Stop Shaking Already

Rant -- Toungue in cheek variety

Michael J. Fox is a complete disappointment. In the 1980s he played uber-Republican Alex P. Keaton, and now he is appearing in ads supporting Democratic candidates who support stem-cell research. Isn’t he aware that the souls of stem cells, stem-souls, if you will, are going to haunt him and give him the shakes? Ha! You say, he already has the shakes. My answer to that is, yeah, he has the shakes because he supports the elimination of stem-souls, and Jesus’ position on stem-cell research, any scientific research is quite clear – Who needs science when I’ve got the Jesus voo-doo working? Ain’t that right, Lazarus? Besides, in our instant gratification society, waiting fifteen years for any possible research benefit is far too long. If Kurt Warner, Jeff Suppan, Mike Sweeney, Jim Caviezel and Patricia Heaton understand this why can’t people who actually think for a living?

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New Plan - Foley Was a Democrat All Along

One week ago Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) resigned from his Congressional post among allegations that he had inappropriately solicited a young male page. The Republicans, in a break from form, decided not to defend Foley’s actions as part of the larger “War on Terror.” Imagine, if you will, Denny Hastert ducking questions about what he knew of Foley’s IMs and implying a link between the page and Al-Qaeda. A few years ago that would have gotten the page a free ride Guantanamo or some undisclosed location in Eastern Europe.

Instead, Hastert has to defend his job as Speaker of the House, while various Democrats call for his ouster, and Republicans are secretly hopeful this will succeed. Just imagine all of the Republican Senators jockeying for the Majority Leader position when Trent Lott envisioned a Strom Thurmond presidency as some segregationalist Gilead. If Republicans really wanted to help Hastert, they would claim that Foley was really a Democrat all along, while ignoring the Log Cabin in their midst.

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The Fourth Annual Verbal Jazz Major League Baseball Playoff Prognostication

Here it is! The fourth Annual Verbal Jazz Major League Baseball Playoff Prognostication. For those of you unfamiliar with how this works, Verbal Jazz ranks the playoff contenders by the arbitrary manner of whom he would most like to see win, not by who is likely to win. So sit back and relax as Fox tries its hardest to ruin the game of baseball for everyone!

1. Detroit Tigers – The Tigers looked like magic earlier this year, and then fell apart. The Tigers have classic uniforms, a hard-ass manager, and a recent history of franchise futility. All of this points to a three game sweep in the first series, but one can always hope the Tigers can channel the ghosts of Al Kaline, Hank Greenberg and Ty Cobb. Maybe not Ty Cobb: he was a bit of a jerk.

2. Minnesota Twins – I had Francisco Liriano on my fantasy team and then traded him for David Ortiz after he got hurt to a Twins fan. The Twins know how to develop players and have been playing great in the latter half of the season. It would be nice to see a small market team like this go all the way.

3. New York Mets – 1986 was twenty years and one Red Sox World Series victory ago. If a New York team is going to win this thing, one hopes it is the Mets.

4. St. Louis Cardinals – Classic baseball town, classic baseball team. Great uniforms, and friendly fans that would have allowed Red Sox fans to urinate on them in 2004 if asked. Hugs, Cardinals fans, hugs!

5. Oakland A’s – “I’m not made of money, we’ll swim to Oakland!” The Raiders absolutely stink. The A’s also use the same color scheme as my elementary/junior high school: St. Edward School in Brockton, MA.

6. San Diego Padres – Cla Meredith, Josh Bard, David Wells, Alan Embree, Rudy Seanez, Mark Bellhorn, Todd Walker, Dave Roberts. Why do these names all sound familiar? The Padres have the ugliest uniforms in the playoffs. The Padres uniform is kind of like a pair of pajamas that make your love interest question your taste.

7. LA Dodgers – Rooting for Nomar Garciaparra or reliving the horror that was Grady Little? The Dodgers became one of my favorite National League teams when Kirk Gibson homered off of Eckersly in 1988. Then Grady Little took the helm. True story: Game 7 of the 2003 Red Sox-Yankees series (otherwise known as the Aaron Boone game) was two days before my wedding. I was yelling at the TV when Grady left Pedro in. Yes, it was Grady Little’s fault the Sox lost. I couldn’t stomach him winning one.

8. New York Yankees – When the Yankees took five games from the Red Sox in Fenway Park, any Sox fan knew that the Sox were cooked for the season. The animosity toward the Yankees from this corner is well documented.

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