Oprah Enlisted in "War on Terror"

Satire

Suspect terrorist detainees will now be interrogated by Oprah Winfrey on her popular daytime television talk show in a new deal announced by the White House reached and Republican Senators who objected to the use of torture to obtain information.

“Ms. Winfrey has graciously allowed us to reach a compromise in accepting the responsibility for this type of interrogation,” said Senator John McCain (R-AZ). “We know from watching her interrogation techniques that Ms. Winfrey will be able to provide valuable intelligence to the American people without putting US troops in further danger.”

In a press release, the White House also praised the deal as a means of “bringing the ‘War on Terror’ back to the American people.” The White House also said it would rely on Ms. Winfrey’s assessment as to the future danger of the detainee. “The White House is certain that Ms. Winfrey’s interview techniques will generate quality intelligence.”

Political analysts see this as a shrewd move by republicans to reach out to women in an election year. “Oprah will make women feel involved in the ‘War on Terror’ and more likely to vote for Republican candidates this fall,” said Jillian Jones an independent political consultant. “Senator McCain will also gain some momentum from this demographic going into a 2008 presidential run.”

Human rights groups have already said that the compromise does not go far enough to reduce torture. “We’ve analyzed clips of Oprah and have determined that her interrogation techniques, while seeming soft, leave much to be desired,” said Greg Pacheco of Humans United Against Torture. HUAG issued a study in which the effects of Ms. Winfrey’s interview techniques “border on torture.” The report cited interviews with James Frey, in which “coercive techniques” were used, and Tom Cruise, an interviewee who “acted in a perturbed, emotional fashion,” after being subjected to Ms. Winfrey’s interrogation.

The effectiveness of this new interrogation strategy is due to hinge upon ratings. Ms. Winfrey will also feature a column about her new role in her “O” magazine.

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Guantanamo Bay Prisoners Fed Bagged Spinach

Satire

Bagged spinach may have disappeared from the supermarket shelf after a breakout of E-coli, but those bags of spinach have turned up at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp and have been cooked into numerous spinach-based dishes.

“We were brought numerous bags of spinach last week and instructed to feed it to prisoners,” said one guard stationed in Guantanamo Bay. “We were also instructed to interrogate prisoners who ate the spinach.”

“We’re very concerned about what seems like a very severe interrogation technique,” said Morgan Howard, spokesperson for SPLAAT, Society for People and Living Animals Against Torture. “It seems like a clear violation of the Geneva Conventions, as feeding these prisoners is tantamount to torture.”

The White House has been very forceful in its defense of the Guantanamo Bay nutrition initiative. “There are those that will tell you what we are doing is torture, but what we are providing is nutrition; spinach is healthy,” said President Bush. “The Geneva Conventions don’t tell us not to feed prisoners. We’re feeding prisoners. If feeding prisoners has the side-effect of making America more secure against terrorists then I am all for it.”

Thus far, there have not been any reports of illness related to the bagged spinach at Guantanamo, but today’s menu calls for a spinach salad.

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Pluto Now an Election Wedge Issue

Satire

Pluto has gone from ninth planet to mid-term election wedge issue in a matter of two weeks. Ever since the International Astronomers Union declares that Pluto is no longer a planet, Democrats and Republicans have been jockeying for position to introduce legislation that would refer to Pluto as a planet in US textbooks.

“Republicans have never been about inclusion,” said Owen Phillips, Press Officer for Brooke Keller (D-NV). “The Republican Congress allowed the International Astronomers Union to force its definition of planet upon the world. What does that say about how a Republican Congress will stand up to the International terrorist threat? Brooke Keller has promised to introduce legislation that will bring Pluto back as a planet, something the Republican Congress has not done.”

Republicans see the demotion of Pluto differently. “Pluto has been a planet, and always will be a planet,” said Horace Wingate III, a spokesperson for Neal Duncan, a Republican running for Congress in Massachusetts. “The only reason it was demoted from its planetary status is that Democrats threatened to filibuster bills that would not recognize the new status of Pluto. We did it with the Kyoto Protocol; we can do it with Pluto. We will not let a group of renegade scientists dictate environmental policy or planetary status.”

Political analysts see the demotion of Pluto as an issue that can motivate the electorate. Polls show that 82% of voters would be more willing to vote for a candidate who voted to keep Pluto a planet. “Voters really care about this issue,” said Leonard Hastings, a researcher with the Livingston Center for Policy Analysis. “The War in Iraq the War on Terror are abstract ideas to most voters, whereas Pluto’s planetary status threatens the very core of most voters’ upbringings. How many will have to go disassemble their papier mache model of the Solar System?”

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Excerpts from the Scholastic Study Guide to "The Path to 9/11"

Due to strong Democrat opposition Scholastic has pulled a study guide regarding the new ABC Docudrama "The Path to 9/11." Verbal Jazz has obtained a copy of the study guide and provided some of the questions so that you can see for yourself: is this study guide unfair to Democrats?

Questions:

1. George W. Bush was obviously the leader we needed after 9/11. Discuss how an Al Gore presidency would have invited Osama bin-Laden to the White House as a special policy advisor after the attacks.

2. Many Democrats would have you believe that Iraq was not involved with 9/11. Discuss how you know in your heart that this is not true and that Democrats are born liars. Compare Democrat lies like John Kerry's Vietnam Swift Boat experiences to the approach of George W. Bush, an honest National Guardsman.

3. What if we told you Bill Clinton helped plan the 9/11 attacks? We’re not saying he did, but look at all the people he pardoned in the final days of his presidency: terror attack planning is not out of the question, is it?

4. Guantanamo Bay is now used to house terrorists. Describe how the Democrats would have used Guantanamo to jail truly patriotic congressional representatives like Tom Delay.

5. How would you feel if you didn’t know how to face Mecca after your forced conversion? Would you be scared or afraid you wouldn’t fit in? Shouldn’t you thank George W. Bush for preserving Christianity in this country?

6. Islamic terrorists don’t like football. Kind of fitting that the “Patriots” won the first Super Bowl after 9/11, isn’t it? Describe how the Democrats would have insisted on the Super Bowl winner changing its name to the “Meccans” so as not to offend our new ally, Osama bin-Laden.

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