An Unsolicited Immigration Proposal

Dear Mr. President:

It has come to my attention that there is crisis of border security, particularly with illegal undocumented alien workers from the south. As you mentioned in your speech, you plan to dispatch 6000 National Guard troops to assist in this situation. But there is another solution to your problem that you overlook.

It was once proposed that that the United States erect a wall between itself and Mexico. This may work in principle, and become a tourist attraction in five hundred years after Canada expands its territory to the Panama Canal, but it still costs money and will face years of debate in Congress. As the President of the Society of American Mimes, I propose that you hire 6000 members of our organization to mime a wall at the US/Mexico Border.

You may ask yourself, “What kind of clown proposes to mime a wall?” I am not a clown I assure you, but a mime. Allow me to demonstrate the mimed wall; now imagine a force 6000 strong! I assure you, anyone trying to cross the border will think twice when our members create the perfect illusion of a wall.

In addition to solving your border problems, you can make a show of supporting the arts, spur job growth in the mime industry, and prove that mime is a brave and disciplined career path, not unlike police work or firefighting. Additionally, those National Guard troops you propose for the border can focus their energy on other important projects.

I eagerly look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Bertrand Melimeaux
President, Society of American Mimes

P.S. I understand that there has been some difficulty between you and the French. We mimes would be willing to denounce the work of Marcel Marseau if necessary.

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The Search is Over

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now
- The Smiths

Yes, that’s right, after well over a year of looking, Verbal Jazz has finally found a job, but it won’t make me miserable. It just happens to be the one at which he has been working for the past year. Allow a brief explanation: for the past year Verbal Jazz has been temping while trying to find a job doing something meaningful (i.e. one that pays well and offers little aggravation). Then the company at which I have been temping decided they like me, they really like me.

I like the pay, the commute (a ten minute walk from my house), and the relative lack of stress that comes with the position. Unlike some previous positions that I have held, this one promises to

Some of the experiences I have had over the course of the past year:

- The one guy who looked like a skinny frog with Gary Sandy hair and smelled like smoke. He also talked for the entire hour we met, most of which he had already said on the phone. And, yes, that Gary Sandy, the one who played Andy Travis on “WKRP in Cincinnati.”

- The one company that relied on a committee approach to make a decision. The committee consisted of a hyper Martin Scorsese look-alike and a Director of Marketing who insisted that I not send a “Thank you” note. I interviewed there in October, and noted that the position was still open as recently as two weeks ago.

- The angry HR Director with a speech impediment who launched into a telephone interview when I was completely unprepared.

- The person who harped on one small aspect of a position I held four years ago that had absolutely nothing to do with the position for which I interviewed.

- The person who told me during a telephone interview that specific industry experience was not important only to later email me to say that I did not have enough specific industry experience.

- The headhunter who suggested I call her if I see a job I’m interested in because she would be better able to get me in the door. That idea was considered very seriously for less than one full second.

- And last, but not least, the three companies who had me come in for an interview, and then never bothered to let me know whether I was hired or not, even after I followed up with them.

While focused on the job search and the photo blog (http://visual.verbaljazz.com/) , I missed a lot of great news stories to which I would have added nothing: Jack Abromoff, Dick Cheney’s hunting accident, the President’s declining popularity, Porter Goss resignation, immigration reform, Britney’s Baby II, Suri Cruise (can I pre-order the eventual tell all book from Amazon now?), Barry Bonds’ quest for second place on the all time home run list, Ted Kennedy not wishing to give up his beachfront view… *pant* *pant*

Needless to say, I’m glad “the search is over [the job] was with me all the while.”

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