Snippet of a Breakfast Conversation

The following conversation between a Young Man and Young Woman was overheard this morning at my temp job. Now, picture them speaking very slowly with sever Mass-hole accents.

Man: What's that you have for breakfast? A muffin?

Woman: No, it's a bagel.

Man: That's like that nursery rhyme where the spider scares the girl having breakfast.

Woman: What?

Man: What was her name? Miss Mary Muffin, or something like that?

Woman: Oh, yeah, it was something like that.

Now imagine if they tried to remember "curds and whey."

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March Madness Loss of Productivity Felt Beyond the Workplace

As many American males begin to overdose on the NCAA basketball tournament, known colloqiually as "March Madness," the Verbal Jazz Office of Nonsensical Statistics Randomly Generated in Order to Create Media Buzz for this Office (VJONSRGOCMBO) calculates that approximately five million potential sexual encounters will be delayed or postponed. This delay is expected to produce a dip in the number of births in mid-to-late December, but the VJONSRGOCMBO does not stand by this interpretation.

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You Can Have Your Corned Beef -- and Eat It, Too!

A number of American Bishops have issued a special dispensation granting Catholics permission to eat meat, specifically corned beef, on St. Patrick’s Day. Catholics are typically prohibited from eating meat on Fridays during Lent because Jesus was a big supporter of the commercial fishing industry, and is, to this day, believed to hold stock in StarKist Foods, which he will redeem upon the Second Coming. Catholics are told not to expect this dispensation extending to birth control measures, seeing that Jesus also preached about the evils of contraception in the Sermon on the Mount.

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"I'm not pregnant!"

The female fertililty drug Clomid is alleged to be one of the pharmaceutical enhancements by Barry Bonds so that he may hit more home runs or increase his cap size. Were Verbal Jazz advising Mr. Bonds, I would immediately recommend that he get an E.P.T and conclude that a negative result means that the drug cocktail is largely ineffective.

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The real reason the Dubai ports deal is dead

Congress voted to kill the Dubai ports deal yesterday becuase Dubai Ports World was never a client of Jack Abramoff.

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A Beautiful Ending...Really!

Don't ask why, but I found myself watching five minutes of Larry King last night. Larry was in full grief counselor mode over the death of Dana Reeve (vital stats: 44, widow of Christopher Reeve, Chair of Christopher Reeve foundation) from lung cancer. In addition to Deepak Chopra, Larry King had another "Spiritual Advisor" on as a guest. Unfortunately, I did not catch the name -- but she had dark hair and spoke the way a "Spiritual Advisor" is supposed to speak. This "Spiritual Advisor" asserted that Ms. Reeve's death from lung cancer was "a beautiful ending" to "a classc love story" all while neglecting to mention that the beautiful ending has now orphaned a thirteen-year-old boy.

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