Costume shops stuck with Miers masks

Satire

Costume shops around the country are stuck with an abundance of Harriet Miers masks this Halloween. Prior to the former Supreme Court nominee stepping away from her nomination last week, costume shops had stocked up on Miers masks hoping to catch in on the political zeitgeist of the moment.

"I try to sell these things for forty, fifty, even sixty percent off and no one buys them," said Stanley Burrows, owner of Stan's Costume Shop in Lawrence, MA. "It's ridiculous."

Other costume shop owners have expressed frustration with the Bush Administration over its handling of the situation. In an open letter to the White House, costume shop owners chide Bush for not waiting until after Halloween to rescind the nomination of Harriet Miers.

"They like to say they are pro business, but what the hell am I going to do with a hundred Harriet Miers masks?" said Byron Stiplesi owner of Easy Costume in Waltonburgh, PA.

Stiplesi and other costume shop owners may sue Miers over the lost revenue from Miers masks. "This was going to be this year's Ruth Bader Ginsberg of costumes," said Stiplesi, wiping a tear from his eye in fond memory.

|

Coming to Broadway!

Satire

After a stunning performance in the play "Iraq War: the Pep Talk/Q&A Session," President Bush and the ten American soldiers and one Iraqi soldier are planning to take the production to Broadway.

"Broadway would have been impossible if those soldiers had not rehearsed so well for this opening night performance," said Director, Albert T. Kirby. "But then, if you are going to play a soldier in front of the president, then maybe you should actually be a soldier."

Reviews of the performance "Iraq War: the Pep Talk/Q&A Session" are cite the chemistry that the soldiers were able to achieve with the president despite their rehearsal with a stand-in. "These people are professionals, plain and simple," said Kirby.

Look for "Iraq War: the Pep Talk/Q&A Session" to play in Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles before hitting Broadway in Spring 2006. Each soldier is expected to have five understudies becuase it is believed there is still a war going on.

|

Coming in 2006: Hurricane Bud Light

Satire

The National Weather Service announced plans today to abandon the practice of using proper first names to identify hurricanes, tropical storms and tropical depressions. Instead tropical storms names will be "open to sponsorship."

"It has come to our attention that the practice of using proper first names for tropical storms and hurricanes has an adverse effect on baby name statistics," said National Weather Service spokesperson Dominick Wyatt. Wyatt cited significant statistical research that found a lower probability of a baby receiving the name of a particularly intense hurricane as key reasons for this change.

The National Weather Service hopes that selling naming rights to tropical storms will help those sponsors increase brand awareness while funding our ongoing research into weather phenomena. Sponsorship rates are based on storm intensity and length of time the storm holds together.

Wyatt would not say if there were any sponsors lined up, but one ad industry executive believes that Anheuser-Busch has signed a deal to sponsor the first ten tropical storms of the season.

Congressional Republicans immediately drafted a bill that would tie tropical storms into recognizable failures of the Democratic Party, including: Tropical Depression Billy Carter, Hurricane Whitewater and Tropical Storm Howard Dean Scream.

It is believed that this new sponsorship initiative will also speed up FEMA response times as the agency seeks to maintain a positive relationship with key sponsors and political donors.

|

3rd Annual Baseball Playoff Prognostications

Here it is! The third Annual Verbal Jazz Major League Baseball Playoff Prognostication. For those of you unfamiliar with how this works, Verbal Jazz ranks the playoff contenders by the arbitrary manner of whom he would most like to see win, not by who is likely to win. So sit back and relax as Fox tries its hardest to ruin the game of baseball for everyone!

1. Red Sox - 2005 is the most difficult year to be a Sox fan. They finally won the World Series and inspired a great big letdown. If they lose, I can go back to self-flagellation. If I was not a Red Sox fan would I be sick of them and Red Sox Nation in general? Maybe then I could score more tickets next year and not have to travel to Tampa, Baltimore or other parts to see them.

2. Padres - The Padres were just over .500 for the year and still managed to win the hapless NL West. A Padres World Series victory would be worth it just for the teeth-gnashing amongst the baseball writers of America prompting Bud Selig to change the playoff scenario to ensure that baseball never has to endure such a travesty again. (See also, Twins circa 1987). Plus, they have Dave Roberts, who had the most important stolen base in Red Sox history and is a genuinely classy guy.

3. White Sox - The Pale Hose have not won since 1917. Some of you kids out there may remember that eight members of the 1919 team took money to throw the World Series. What does any of this have to do with ranking them third? Well, of the playoff teams, the White Sox had the greatest representation on my fantasy team, second only to the Cubs. I still finished last. I wonder what that says about the White Sox chances this postseason?

4. Cardinals - If they won the whole shebang (that shebang being the World Series), then the Cardinals will have sent Busch Stadium out in style. Then again, Busch Stadium is named for an inferior product line of adult beverages. Would they dare call the next one Bombay Sapphire Stadium or would sapphire in the moniker run counter the sea of red that is worn by Cardinal fans?

5. Angels - ThunderStix. Rally Monkey. Guy with pine tar on the glove. That silly Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Angels of Anaheim Los Angeles thing. How can anyone love this team without David Eckstein at shortstop?

6. Astros - As far as ballpark quirks go, I just can't get over that hill-thing in centerfield at Minute Maid Park. I mean, I go to a park where there is a ladder in the field of play! Plus, whenever I think of the Astros, I think of those bad Orange hued rainbow uniforms they used to wear. Plus, Houston has an airport named for George Bush. Although, it would be fun watching Clemens and Pettite defeat the Yankees to take the World Series trophy.

7. Braves - Simply boring. They win the division every year. But it can be hypnotic watching Pitching Coach Leo Mazzone rock back and forth throughout the game. I wonder if Mazzone has ever thought of changing his title to "Specialist in the Field of Pitching Pedagogy" and insisting his pitchers refer to him as "Grand Guru Sensai Leo." On a side note, the Missus Jazz and scaled back our cable subscription to include the basic package only - no TBS and no Skip Caray. That's not a bad thing.

8. Yankees - This team is apparently bellyaching about traveling across country to play the Angels somewhere in the Los Angeles Anaheim area. Apparently Alex Rodriguez thought that being a Yankee meant an automatic appearance in the World Series. If the Yankees are on the verge of blowing another 3-0 lead, will Steinbrenner fire Joe Torre and hire the ghost of Billy Martin?

|