..and as we wind on down the road

Today, while waiting on hold at the temp job, I was treated to "Stairway to Heaven" from the end of the guitar solo through the end of the song. I decided not to hold after Robert Plant sings the final "..and she buying...a Stairway..to..Heav-uuuun" and promptly hung up the phone.

When I was a teenager it was so cool to able to learn "Stairway" on the guitar. And, yes, like the "Wayne's World" movie every guitar player who knew the song would try it out on both acoustic and electric guitars.

I once played a sped up, ska-funk version while my friend who hated Zeppelin banged the rhythm along on the bongos.

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About Verbal Jazz #4

Verbal Jazz finds the term "good success" highly aggravating. Success, by its very nature, is good.

The number one culprit of this inanty is Red Sox analyst Jerry Remy. Remy is one of my favorite broadcasters, but I always bristle when I hear him say something like, "Manny's had some good success against this pitcher."

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On not pulling out

I see that President Bush is steadfast in his resolve to not pull out. Usually that leads to a paternity suit.

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I'll give you something to scream about

The children from the daycare downstairs are outside and screaming again. Using their outside voices. My suggestion to use boiling oil is rejected. Bummer.

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Acts of Christian charity

Pat Robertson endorses the assassination of Hugo Chavez. Next week Robertson will suggest that detaining Cindy Sheehan in Guantanamo Bay would be the Lord's Work.

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Overheard Saturday in Crawford, TX

Satire

"Mr. President, do we really have to go for a bike ride? My ass still hurts from that three week ride around France."

"Don't be such a baby...by the way, we're not going anywhere near those white crosses out there."

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Cloning for Justice

Satire

One day after the Dennis Rader, the B.T.K. Killer, was sentenced to ten consecutive life sentences, Congressional Representative Jim Ryun (R-KS) has introduced legislation that would allow cloning of criminals who would otherwise have no chance to serve their full punishment. "This legislation will allow those families who have been victimized the closure that comes with knowing that their relative's killers have suffered for each and every murder they have committed."

Speaking from his ranch in Crawford, TX, President Bush praised Ryun's bill. "Congressman Ryun should be praised for his attempts to bring criminals the justice they deserve," said the President. "It is too often that we let criminals off lightly either serving one life sentence or being put to death only once for multiple murders."

The President downplayed the potential ethics issues associated with cloning for punitive purposes. "We're talking about justice here."

Democratic legislators have been hesitant to outright dismiss Congressman Ryun's legislation until they have had an opportunity to conduct an opinion poll.

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Email sent to Verbal Jazz Newsletter subscribers

Due to various time constraints, which include watching sit-com reruns on TV; obsessively following the Red Sox (while strangely free from the knowledge that they will continue to break my heart); maintaining a photo blog, watching the back yard for garter snakes; walking to and from my temp job; looking for full time work, chit-chatting with neighbors about such topics as the weather, the aforementioned Red Sox, and the sorry state of my yard; searching high and low for examples of onomatopoeia; attempting to commit both the "Iliad" and the "Odyssey" to memory in one confused epic poem known as the "Ilyssey;" spending time with my wife; trying to find a country that is working to impoverish uranium; contemplating the following philosophical questions: Is hanging one's towel incorrectly morally wrong or just sloppy? Since science has proven that the earth was created by means that deviate greatly from those described in Genesis, does that mean that the Bible is an early instance of poor reporting based on unreliable sources? If we had six fingers per hand, would Martin Luther have nailed 119 theses instead of 99? Are Terrel Owens' issues with the Philadelphia Eagles the beginning of the end for the NFL?; beginning a voice re-education workshop for males born in Eastern Massachusetts; waiting for the prophecy to be revealed; preparing a book length essay on how the Harry Potter novels will lead directly to cult; and because it flat-out does not pay for the bills, the thrills, the pills that kill Verbal Jazz will no longer be writing a periodic newsletter.

Verbal Jazz apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause. Our goal in beginning the Verbal Jazz newsletter was to keep you, the public as misinformed as possible as to the state of world affairs. We have been successful in achieving that goal. Reading Verbal Jazz has not likely made you smarter, kinder or braver. Rather, we hope, that reading Verbal Jazz has made you more shallow, crass and unconcerned about the human environment. Those are skills that will carry you through life!

The end of the Verbal Jazz newsletter is not the end of Verbal Jazz. Do stop by for more ill informed updates on world events. Click to see a new daily photo on "Verbal Jazz Goes Visual." Drop a line whenever you feel the void of the Verbal Jazz newsletter in your life. In short: do not be a stranger.

I'd like to thank those of you on the newsletter list for your continued support. You rock!

Sincerely,


Chris Vallancourt

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Further proof of the divinity of Ashton Kutcher

This vision occurred while watching a rerun of "That '70s Show."

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The fire drill

During the fire drill, the children from the daycare on the first floor of the building where I temp were led out on a leash to make sure they all stayed together while the infants were wheeled out in rolling cribs. One co-worker suggested that it might be more efficient to tie the tethered children to the cribs like a team of oxen. He's bitter that they get to have recess, the screams of which we can hear from our cubicles.

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My dog ate my Constitution

Iraqi Constitution writers missed the midnight deadline to provide working document thus forcing Iraq to accept total anarchy as its system of government. Those working on writing the Constitution tried in vain to come to a consensus on how to explain the missed deadline. Now Iraqis will have to wait a bit longer to know how to use the word "unconstitutional" to demean the point of view of someone they disagree with.

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Highlights and Low Notes of the Week

1. R.I.P. Peter Jennings
The last time I really watched Peter Jennings was in the aftermath of 9/11. Jennings provided a familiar face. His was the nightly news that I grew up watching at my grandparents' house* after Walter Cronkite retired. The routine was always the same -six o'clock local news followed by "World News Tonight" with Peter Jennings.

2. Iran breaks the nuclear seal
This week Iran broke the seal on a uranium enrichment facility. The Iranian government claims that this was a necessary step to take in order to provide electricity to its citizens. President Bush did not take the news lightly and implored the Iranian government to drill in its own Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Meanwhile Cheney and the neocons have been working on a plan of pre-emptive nuclear war in case a forged document emerges alleging to Iran's purchase of a Nigerian Duncan Hines yellow cake.

3. Speaking of nuclear devastation
Verbal Jazz attended a wedding on the 60th anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima. Needless to say nuclear devastation was the furthest thing from the mind of the bride and groom as they mashed cake in each other's faces, a spectacle that Verbal Jazz and Missus Jazz did not create at their own wedding. AND speaking of weddings, Verbal Jazz highly recommends "Wedding Crashers."

4. A victory for truth in advertising
On Thursday NARAL announced that it would pull an advertisement that stretches (okay ignores) the truth in order to vilify Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Apparently, some Democrats petitioned NARAL to pull the ad, which is all well and good if you believe in a stupid little thing called truth...but it makes one wonder why so many Republicans let the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth get away with their equally truthful anti John Kerry campaign of last year.

5. Verbal Jazz on the job front
Verbal Jazz chased no significant job leads this week and continued on with his temp job. Among this week's challenges: asking the meathead nerd sitting next to me to stop his loud singing. You may ask yourself, what exactly is a "meathead nerd?" A "meathead nerd" is nerd who tries to hard to prove that he is not a nerd, mostly by following sports and drinking too much. This particular "meathead nerd" claimed to read only the sports websites because the news ones were "too depressing." This "meathead nerd" also rolled up his pants to look like shorts one hot day, tapped his Coca Cola can twenty times before opening, and suffered through a Monday hangover. Verbal Jazz also got to train two new recruits to the temp job...which means I have become a veteran.


*For the record: the Verbal Jazz grandparents frequently babysat while the Verbal Jazz mom was at work.

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About Verbal Jazz #3

Verbal Jazz is on a mission to ensure that everyone spells "definitely" correctly. Please remember there is no "a" in "definitely." If you insist on spelling the word "definately," please write "definitely" 100 times and go to confession.

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World-class premium athlete comes clean

Satire

As you may know, I have recently been suspended for using performance-enhancing medication. I will not sit here and claim to not know how these medications came to be in my body. Rather, I will explain, step-by-step, how I came to test positive, plus offer a new strategy for eradicating performance enhancing medications from baseball.

Early in my career my doctor diagnosed me as a diabetic and offered me a private prescription. I found it strange that I did not fill my prescription at a pharmacy, nor did I ever have to check my blood sugar under my doctor's regimen. Soon I gained muscle mass and went from hitting 10 home runs to 47 home runs. It was then that I began to preach that diabetics make better ballplayers.

I continued to accept that the quote-unquote "insulin" injections were both saving my life and making me a better baseball player. Never once did I question why more diabetics were not home run hitting baseball players.

After giving a press conference in which I cited my insulin injections as the reason for my baseball prowess, my doctor took me aside and explained that I had been taking steroids. I was dumbfounded, but realized that I had to keep taking the medication. My team had come to depend on my ability to hit home runs and drive in RBI. I now had an obligation to my team to help them win.

Soon, I was being offered large contracts. I now had an obligation to look out for my the well-being of my family. It was for the good of my family that I sacrificed my body day in and day out t o put food on the table, a roof over their heads and shoes on their feet. Never once did my own personal statistics enter into the discussion.

While I may have taken performance enhancers throughout my career, the drug policy and my suspension have done a disservice to the fans of baseball. My fans have long paid money to see me play and hit home runs. This is the product baseball has sold them. Baseball needs a solid strategy for eradicating performance enhancing medication from the game. It would be best to allow those players who have improved the game through the use performance enhancing medication to continue using those medications while testing rookies for performance enhancers. This will give baseball the time to convince its fan base that speed, pitching and defense are the reason to watch the game. For now, I implore baseball to continue providing its fans with the product it has been sold for the past ten years.

Thank you.

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NASA Disaster: astronauts lose luggage

Satire

After a last minute itinerary change that switched the Space Shuttle Discovery landing from Florida to California, the seven astronauts who landed safely today at Edwards Air Force Base found themselves without any luggage. The astronauts waited for close to two hours at the Edwards AFB luggage carousel before reporting their items missing.

"We all have to go buy new socks and underwear," said disappointed shuttle Commander, Eileen Collins. "Next time, I'm bringing carry-on luggage."

NASA maintains that it is working to correct the issue of the missing luggage. A NASA spokesperson told reporters that they believe the luggage to be on the way to Florida. In order to atone for the error, NASA has offered each astronaut a $50 voucher good toward his or her next shuttle flight.

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Bush: Palmeiro Product of intelligent design

Satire

President Bush renewed his support of baseball player Rafael Palmeiro, who recently received a ten game suspension for violating the Major League Baseball performance enhancing drug policy. Bush used part of his Saturday radio address to suggest is Palmeiro's career is the result of intelligent design.

"Rafael Palmeiro is a friend. He testified in public and I believe him," said Bush. "People ought to be exposed to both sides of the debate. Some believe that Rafael used banned substances in order to improve his baseball career. Others, including many prominent scientists, believe that his body was so designed to play the game at a high level for many years. Plus, he said he didn't do it."

Dr. Malcolm Rice, a physiologist studying the sudden, unwitting appearance of performance enhancers in athletes for the Center for the Advancement of Intelligent Design in Athletes (CAIDA), asserts that President Bush may be correct. "Scores of athletes have tested positive for performance enhancement drugs with no knowledge of how those enhancers entered the body," said Rice. "Our studies are on the cusp of proving that those athletes have a body so designed to organically synthesize performance enhancers."

Some Senate Republicans see ulterior motives in Palmeiro's positive drug test. "Mr. Palmeiro is a well-known Republican with a potential bright political future once his baseball career has ended," said Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY). "We know that there is nothing the Democrats won't do in order to advance their agenda and it now seems as though they have our National Pastime in their fevered grasp."

Fox News plans to spend the weekend investigating why Democrats are trying to ruin baseball. The Kansas Board of Education working to introduce guidelines requiring educators to examine all possible reasons for Palmeiro's positive test and has made Dr. Malcolm Rice required reading.

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Palmeiro receives thank you cards

Satire

Baseball slugger Rafael Palmeiro has received hundreds of "Thank You" cards in the wake of his ten day suspension for use of a banned substance. Among the notable:

Karl Rove: Thank you for keeping my "inadvertent" outing of a CIA operative off the front page.

John Roberts: Thank you for giving me a week off from more questions about Roe v. Wade. Why does no one ask me about Plessy v. Ferguson?

Mark McGwire: Let's not talk about the past, Raffy, but thank you for the present.

Baseball media: Thank you, Raffy, for sparing us more stories about how much the trade market sucked. Plus, no more debate: you're out of the hall.

Jose Canseco: Thank you for making me look like a credible journalist.

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Mustaches and 'roid rage

What do Rafael Palmeiro and John Bolton have in common?

1. Steroids: Verbal Jazz once joked that John Bolton's mustache and rage were steroid induced. Now Raffy has been suspended for violation of the Major League Baseball drug policy.

2. Mustaches: and what mustaches they are!

3. Support of President Bush: According to the Associated Press, White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan said that President Bush considers considers Palmeiro "a friend and he believes him." Raffy will prove to be as popular as Social Security reform.

4. Absolutely no chance of getting a yes vote: hence Bolton's recess appointment to the UN and Raffy's future of trying to tunnel into the Baseball Hall of Fame with Pete Rose.

Late night comedy writers are already working on the obvious joke - Raffy thought those little blue pills were for different sort of performance enhancement; perhaps the fact that has not yet gone blind should have been the big tip off.

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