Verbal Jazz investigates John Roberts

Satire

The Verbal Jazz investigative unit has been working tirelessly to bring you news on Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Periodically and from time to time, we will bring you stories that may shock and outrage you about the nominee. The following is the first in our series.

When nominated to the Supreme Court by President Bush, John Roberts seemed the very model of boring respectability. The Verbal Jazz investigative unit has uncovered sources who reveal that Roberts may not be as squeaky clean as he seems. According to Wilma Ball, a classmate of Roberts at Harvard Law School, Roberts was seen on at least three occasions with uncombed hair.

"This crazy looking man with a wild mane showed up in my Constitutional Law class one day. I did a double-take, it was John," said Ms. Ball, still clearly upset at the sight of an unkempt Roberts. Ms. Ball is still "very concerned" that someone who is so reckless with his appearance could potentially decide cases for the next thirty years.

Ms. Ball is not the only one who has seen Roberts with unkempt hair. Peter Sheldon, Robert's one time mail carrier in Washington, DC claims to have seen Roberts carrying the beginnings of a mullet for an entire week. "[Roberts] would be waiting at his door for the mail wearing nothing but a bathrobe and mullet," said Mr. Sheldon. "I don't know if a guy who can't maintain a consistent appearance should be allowed to decide the future of Roe v. Wade."

Repeated phone calls to the White House and Judge Roberts went unanswered.

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More NASA cancellations loom

Satire

In the wake of foam falling off fuel tank of the Space Shuttle Discovery NASA has cancelled its annual summer clambake and barbecue.

"Until we correct this problem of the falling foam, NASA believes it is unsafe to continue to pursue a sociable culture," said Jonathan Klave, Director of Event Planning for NASA. "Engineers are worrying too much about their lack of social skills and are not focusing on fixing problems with the shuttle."

After canceling the summer clambake and barbecue, NASA apparently got carried away and tried to cancel NBC comedy "Will & Grace" because of the hit comedy's "over reliance on predictable jokes and plot lines." NBC did announce that "Will & Grace" is in its last year but emphasized that NASA had absolutely nothing to do with this decision.

NASA is also expected to cancel this year's holiday party.

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I'm going to get rich off Ebay

With this heart shape appearing in my watermelon, I just know the next one will have a fully carved replica of the Madonna and Child.

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It would be funny if...

Hey, have you seen the Monty Python sketch where the London Police shoot and kill an innocent man under the assumption that he is a terrorist? Me neither.

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Look to Lance for the current threat level

Satire

A recent poll summing up American attitudes about the Tour de France found that 58% of Americans believe that the color of the tour leader’s jersey is tied to the Department of Homeland Security threat level, which is currently yellow. Other sources confirm that Lance Armstrong, well on his way to a seventh straight Tour de France victory, is retiring because he simply does not look good in yellow. It is not known whether Armstrong will continue to dress in accordance with the Homeland Security threat level.

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A recap of stories you didn't miss

LONDON
Today, the Missus Jazz told me that she is glad I no longer ride the train to Boston, despite making half as much money in my temporary gig. This is because of the attacks that have hit the London transit system in recent weeks. The only song I can think of that fits is The Smiths’ "Panic:" "There's panic on the streets of London/ Panic on the streets of Birmingham/ I wonder to myself...can life ever be sane again?" Sure, it was written about the pitiable state of music in English nightclubs, but the song resonates as four more bombs were set to go off and London police shot and killed another terror suspect.

SUPREME WHITE BREAD
It would have been a lot more fun if President Bush had nominated a fiery ideologue to the Supreme Court instead Supreme White Bread John Roberts. Liberals like Verbal Jazz could then raise a vociferous hissy fit about how the black robed nine would insist that Americans kneel in prayer before performing every back room abortion. Watching the Republicans try to insist that a judge like Roy Moore (he of the Ten Commandments rock) exerts the temperance and humility we expect from the judiciary would be almost worth a ticket at Fenway Park prices. Instead, the president has decided to lick his wounds from the John Bolton confirmation process and deliver as inoffensive a nominee as possible. Within seconds of the nomination, however, liberal interest groups began going through the motions of trying asserting that Roberts is a partisan hack along the lines of Robert Bork.

MAY THE LEAK BE WITH YOU
The Roberts nomination, coupled with the latest news from London, has essentially put Karl Rove on the backburner. You may recall that Machiavellian “Turd Blossom” was the White House leak that led to the outing of Valerie Plame as a CIA agent. If you still wonder whether Rove did anything wrong, consider the following scenario: I hand you a map with your route highlighted, but never tell you where you are going;
have I just given you directions?

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The secret to naming a Supreme Court justice

Satire

What's in a name? Apparently a lot when it comes to the Bush Administration's nomination to the Supreme Court. Verbal Jazz has discovered, through a highly placed White House Source (and one that I would not go to jail for, mind you), that Supreme Court nominee John Roberts was chosen not because of his conservative values, or superb legal acumen. John Roberts was chosen because his name is sufficiently bland.

In choosing the nominee, the White House worked tirelessly to avoid picking a name that stands out like, say, Thurgood Marshall or Antonin Scalia. The reasoning behind this decision is simple: Americans are more ready to rally behind a nominee with an average sounding name rather than a nominee, like Miguel Estrada.

The Reagan administration also played the name game in nominating Anthony Kennedy seeing that Kennedy is a good liberal sounding name. Somehow, the Bush administration could not stomach the idea of Justice Clinton, even if it was not Hilary on the bench.

Moral of the story? If you want reach the bench, you best start our with a dull name.

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Massachusetts legislators to rename tunnel for Rove

Satire

The Massachusetts State Legislature is carefully considering a bill that would change the name of the Big Dig tunnel to the "Karl Rove Memorial Tunnel." According to bill co-sponsor Brendon Steidinger (D-Framingham), "Naming the tunnel after Rove makes perfect sense." Steidinger then unveiled a mock-up of a proposed tunnel sign that reads:

"Now Entering
The Karl Rove Memorial Tunnel
Watch for Leaks"

Congressional Republicans and the White House were both skeptical upon hearing that the overwhelmingly Democratic Massachusetts Legislature has so chosen to honor Rove. Due to a pending criminal investigation into Rove's role in unmasking a CIA operative, no one from the White House or Congress would speak on the record.

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, widely believed to be seeking the 2008 Republican Presidential nomination, chided the Democratic Legislature for even considering a bill that would, "essentially insult a public figure." Romney continued speaking about abortion, stem cell research and the death penalty long after anyone had stopped listening.

Ted Williams, who shares the name of another Big Dig tunnel, could not be reached for comment.

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Panic on the streets of London

Wherein Verbal Jazz, for once, is serious

While Verbal Jazz vacationed on the rocky coast of Maine last week, terrorism once again reared its ugly head in a country that is not at war on its own soil, at least.

Between collecting photos of my nephew and niece climbing on the rocks, building sand castles and looking for beach glass, I managed to hear very little about the havoc wreaked on the London transit system.

My mother-in-law and I would have stayed glued to the CNN all day after hearing about the bombs, but the Missus Jazz didn't want the niece and nephew to have nightmares witnessing live feeds from the aftermath.

Time will reveal more details about the terrorists and it has already been that the terror team was home grown...it makes one wonder what kind of cause justifies strapping a bomb to your body and trying to blow as many people to smithereens as possible.

I'm glad I was teaching my nephew how to skip stones.

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News Flash: McCarver NOT worst thing about All-Star Game

In an effort to take the pressure off of the superbly annoying analyst Tim McCarver, Fox Sports went out of its way to focus on everything but baseball last night:

1. "Bad News Bears" tie-in

2. "Fantastic Four" tie in

3. Mark Fydrich, sporting a Taco Bell cap and jersey offering encouragement to the Rick Ankiel protege trying to get five balls through the little circle in order to win $1 million.

4. Chevrolet tie-in (Although ASG MVP Miguel Tejada looked genuinely moved upon receiving a yellow Corvette).

5. Kevin Kennedy (lousy former manager and even worse TV personality) talking with Puddy from "Seinfeld," oops, I mean Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers. Sample question: "How does it feel to be booed after you acted like a complete asshole in beating up a cameraman?" Sample answer: "I'm still an asshole, but other players wish they could do the same thing, like when Jerry heckled the heckler in the workplace. I wasn't in that episode."

6. "Scooter", the animated baseball describing a change-up because Tim McCarver isn't willing to do so because his researchers have failed to find the perfect Shakespearean quote to augment his description.

7. Despite not being present at the game, Joe Torre cannot go a single day without getting some love from Buck and McCarver.

8. Jeannie Zelasko cutting off legendary broadcaster Ernie Harwell in the midst of his discussion of Al Kaline. In Zelasko's defense, maybe she thought her water was about to break, although her maternity costume made her look like a failed attempt to create the Great Pumpkin for a Macy's day parade float. Since she kept yammering after cutting Harwell off, Verbal Jazz can only conclude that Zelasko was jealous of the real talent and love for the game that Harwell exhibited.

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The real reason for poor All-Star Game ratings: Tim McCarver

Tonight is the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. The only real reason to watch is to see if Commentator Joe Buck can fool his broadcast partner, Tim McCarver, into a game of "Let's play let's be quiet."

Not sure if I remember this correctly, but the funniest line in "Fever Pitch" comes from McCarver, who says something along the lines of "I hate to interrupt..." Any baseball fan knows that McCarver loves nothing more than to interrupt.

If you happen to be consuming alcoholic beverages while watching the All-Star Game, you might try taking a swig every time McCarver says, "actually," you'll be drunk in no time.

Please, Bud Selig, for next year's All-Star game, can the winning team have the priviledge of hog-tying McCarver and running him out of town?

Now, if Texas Rangers pitcher and All-Star Kenny Rogers went after McCarver, I would support a reduction in his 20 game suspension for beating on a cameraman.

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Scalia to double-dip on Supreme Court votes

Satire

The White House is expected to nominate Justice Antonin Scalia to take the place of retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor O'Connor's place.

While it may seem highly unusual for a sitting Supreme Court Justice to be nominated for a vacancy, the White House is hoping to avoid being Souter-ized (expecting ideology from a Supreme Court Nominee only to be greeted with sound legal judgment) as happened to the first President Bush. As "a known commodity dedicated to outstanding jurisprudence" the White House expects Scalia is to sail through the nomination process.

If Scalia's nomination is approved, the Justice will have two votes. Legal scholars do not expect that Scalia would split his votes within the same opinion. White House strategists are hard at work making a compelling case for Justice Scalia to receive two Supreme Court votes.

It is expected that Scalia will be introduced to the press next week in front of a lovely "Committed to the Constitution" backdrop.

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