Don't I know you from somewhere?

A group of former hostages held during the Iran hostage crisis claim that Iranian President elect Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was one of their captors. For his part Ahmadinejad claims that he was gaining practical, real-world experience.

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Cold War II Averted

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft (who always wears the same damn blue shirt with the white collar) decided to show off his Super Bowl ring to Russian President Vladimir Putin who then pocketed the jewelry.

Taking one for Team USA Kraft explained that the ring was a gift but that the next motherf***er who tries to take his jewelry will get a visit from the Patriots' defensive line.

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Just don't call it Viet-Raq

In his speech yesterday on the war in Iraq, President Bush continued to make the 9/11-terrorist drumbeat, conventiently ignoring the fact that Iraq became a terrorist haven after the US invasion. Presisdent Bush is apparently also confused by the chicken-egg conundrum.

President Bush also did not set a timetable for US withdrawal from Iraq in order to avoid cases of "senioritis" among soldiers stationed there.

President Bush reportedly does not understand why the National Guard has a hard time recruiting, after all it was once a great place to avoid a war.

One means of increasing the number of military recruits would be a military draft. A draft, however, would involve Senators and Congressman creating loopholes for their own families, loopholes that might hurt their chances in 2008.

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Summing up the Supreme Court

If you happen to be a pothead, cancer-patient journalist, who relies on anonymous soureces to cover the war on terror, like to swap royalty-free music files over fiber optic cables not provided by your Internet Service Provider and wish your town hall would put up a brand new monument to the Ten Commandments, then you are not very happy with the Supreme Court today. Drug-free atheists who still buy CDs are, however, very happy to be on the good side of the law.

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Only you can prevent flag fires

Now that the House has passed its anti flag burning amendment and the Senate looks to follow, it is imperative that all concerned citizens of the United States of America do their part to alleviate the epidemic that is flag burning. After all a burning flag may smell like the burning of glorious freedom to the trained nose, but to the untrained nose, it smells just like burning cloth.

Here is how you can help:

If you happen to encounter a homeless person on a cold night using a flag for kindling, kindly ask that person if he/she values freedom. Then you may promptly seek the arrest of that homeless person.

Do you know who the potential flag burners in your neighborhood are? It is imperative that you find out. We suggest you look for these telltale signs: drinks wine, does not follow sports, rides a bicycle instead of driving, does not eat meat. Please note, these are only some of the signs. If you encounter any other signs of a flag-burner, please let us know.

Do not let your flag near your grill: this is an accident waiting to happen. Besides grilled flag does nothing to enhance the flavor of a nice juicy steak.

Cover your flag with a flame retardant chemical in order to avoid any accidents that may occur while leaving a four-year-old alone with a book of matches and your flag. Think man!

If you are a firefighter, please keep all flags out of burning buildings. If you should perish in the fire, you wouldn't want word to get out that your last act was one of flag desecration.

Finally, you should carry a fire extinguisher with you at all times, should you come across a potential flag burning. Even though you may not be the perpetrator, your refusal to do nothing about it could make you an accessory.

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Florida Governor behind prank calls

Florida Governor Jeb Bush has launched an inquiry into the details surrounding the collapse of Terri Schiavo fifteen years ago. The governor has apparently made it his life's mission to persecute Michael Schiavo, husband of the recently deceased and very much brain dead Terri. Bush next plans to launch a string of prank phone calls to Mr. Schiavo and dedicate Florida State Police to twenty-four hour surveillance. "If he so much as goes one mile per hour over the speed limit, we'll know he had something to do with Terri's death," said Governor Bush.

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Playing what?

President Bush recently accused a bunch of politicians of "playing politics" with the Bolton nomination. Bush will soon accuse the Boston Red Sox of "playing baseball."

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Cruise-Holmes seek to steal spotlight back from Jackson

Satire

Today promises to be a very big news day as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced their engagement in an attempt to steal the media spotlight back from the recently acquitted Michael Jackson.

"[Jackson's acquittal] was just a temporary speed bump in our attempts to promote 'Batman Begins' and 'War of the Worlds,'" said Tom Cruise. "But the Eiffel Tower and our love should be enough to bring the public back.

Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment.

Upon hearing the news of the Holmes-Cruise engagement, lonely men around the world have stepped up their attempts to lure Holmes away from Cruise. "I promise to not make you join my cult," professes one of many emails intercepted by Holmes publicist.

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A ticket to park?

Verbal Jazz was the proud recipient of a delinquent parking ticket notice from the Town of Newport, Rhode Island. The only problem is that neither I, nor the Missus Jazz were anyway near Newport on the day in question. After playing verbal tennis with the parking office clerk, I found out that the actual car in question is yellow while the automobile of Verbal Jazz is blue. When I asked how this error could occur the parking office clerk suggested that the ticket blew away. Yes, there was a brief, stunned silence on my end. My working theory is that the meter maid who wrote the ticket in question didn't like something posted on Verbal Jazz.

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Bin Laden not hiding in Afghanistan

U.S. envoy Zalmay Khalilzad told reporters today that Osama Bin Laden is not rumored to be in Afghanistan. This intelligence is based on the fact that Bin Laden did not respond to calls of, "All the, all the oxen free!"

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Autopsy results are in

An autopsy on Terri Schiavo revealed that her brain was half the size of a normal brain. Those who protested on behalf of keeping Schiavo's feeding tube inserted counter that this is still larger than their own brains.

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More fallout from the Michael Jackson verdict

* The Vatican has announced plans to hire Michael Jackson's defense team to defend any priests accused of clergy sexual abuse. After all, any mother that leaves her child alone with a priest has some 'splainin' to do.

* A recent public opinion poll finds that most Americans would prefer an audience participation vote on high profile trials such as Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson and other African-Americans who can afford a competent legal team. Said one respondent: "Letting the public vote removes the taint of jury bias."

* Americans are warned that there will be a barrage of jokes about Michael Jackson trying to find the real molester.

* Those who quit jobs to conduct protests in support Michael Jackson during his trial may find it difficult to once again become a productive economic contributors. Employers who consider hiring these candidates should weigh the fact that these candidates can find a sense of mission in an essentially menaingless task. In other words: they should fit right in.

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Michael Jackson acquitted on child molestation charges

As a result Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will face their first real challenge: not being the top story. Experts believe that the newfound quiet could either make or break the budding relationship.

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President Bush seeks to make Patriots permanent

Satire

At a rally in Columbus, Ohio yesterday President Bush implored Congress to make the Patriots the permanent Super Bowl champions.

"The Patriots' Super Bowl victories have accomplished exactly what they were designed to do. They have promoted freedom across the NFL and protected America from the uncertainty of having a different Super Bowl victor from year to year. I urge Congress to make the Patriots permanent," said the President.

The crowd of Browns and Bengals fans cheered reluctantly.

Congress is not likely to act on the President's urging as many Senators and Congressional Representatives have already pledged loyalty to their own local football team. "Despite the recent public relations errors of my team, the San Francisco Forty-Niners, it is impossible for me to support the President on this issue," said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

Conservative bloggers are expected to take up the President's cause in full force citing statistics that show the world has been a safer place since the Patriots' first Super Bowl victory.

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Sign Heeded

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Jackson jurors hire public relations consulting firm

Satire

In a bizarre twist to the Michael Jackson child molestation case, jurors deliberating over the guilt of the "King of Pop" have hired PR Consulting Firm Cahill, Wise and Keller.

"The jurors have retained my services in order to help the country understand the eventual verdict they will come to," said Constance Cahill leader of the jurors PR team. "The jurors may be enjoying free food and the pleasure of each other's company for now, but once that verdict is handed down, they will be under enormous pressure to defend that verdict."

Cahill cited the verdict in the O.J. Simpson case as a prime example of the dangers that juries face in determining a verdict. "Let's face it would you want to be known as one of those who put the King of Pop behind bars, or, alternatively, let a child molester walk? Let's face it, these jurors are about to face intense public scrutiny."

Cahill is not allowed to discuss details of the case with the jurors as she plans for either verdict in this case.

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Deep Throat's Crying Game

The star of "Deep Throat" has been revealed to be none other than W. Mark Felt, former #2 man at the F.B.I. Fans of the film are now forced to confront their own sexuality in the wake of this revelation that a 60 year old man fulfilled their sexual fantasies.

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