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Going Nuclear

After a season-long stint on the Disabled List, it appears very likely that Chief Justice Rehnquist will be stepping down soon unless Massachusetts and California make serious progress in stem cell research. In other words Democrats and Republicans are already seeking an edge in the battle over Supreme Court nominees. Unlike the Pope, the Supreme Court justices are not voted on by secret conclave. The hearings are public, or pubic as was the case for Clarence Thomas.

As a pre-season warm up Republican Senators have taken umbrage with the Democrats' use of the filibuster to block President Bush's nominees to the Federal Judiciary. A filibuster is traditionally a long-winded speech given with the sole intention of getting absolutely nothing accomplished. Sixty other Senators can decide they don't want to listen to the "filiblusterer" and effectively end the speech in order to vote. All told only ten out of more than two hundred nominees were blocked by use of the filibuster. For those not adept at math that means the Democrats have waged war on people of faith. The people of faith, meanwhile, sit humbly waiting for the Lord to choose them for good works such as weakening environmental regulations and forcing rape victims to carry pregnancies to term.

Naturally, the Republicans want to clear up all the thorny issues surrounding the filibuster quicker than you can say, "Chief Justice Scalia." The Republicans, behind Senate Majority Leader Dr. "Don't Call Me Senator" Bill Frist (R-TN), have been exploring the use of the "nuclear option." The "nuclear option" would essentially end the filibuster of judicial nominees and allow the Republicans pick and choose justices with no debate.

The Democrats, meanwhile, are trying to defend an institution whose most famous usage was a twenty-four hour, eighteen minute speech by Strom Thurmond in order to maintain the glorious tradition that is racial segregation. The second most famous filibuster is a speech by Jimmy Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." I've never seen the film, but I'll stand by my assessment that it is Capra-esque since it was indeed directed by Frank Capra.

The moral right has been waging war on the Judiciary ever since "Roe v. Wade" made it possible for women to choose whether or not to keep a parasite. Just recently "activist judges," as they are known in the current nomenclature, ruled that Terri Schiavo's feeding tube was a family matter and that homosexuals might have the right to define their own relationship and contribute to the economic prospects of divorce attorneys. Activist judges apparently do not carry hand made signs to the bench calling on the government to "Make Peace Not War."

Until recently, did you think the filibuster was that part of a lightbulb that makes it glow?

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Pro-Life Group takes on cause of tree abortions

Satire

This Earth Day, many pro-life advocates have taken up a new cause: tree abortions. The pro-life group Families for Families staged a rally today on Boston Common decrying the "sudden and pervasive" tree abortions, known as "Arbortions," that threaten to undermine the "culture of life."


Several aborted trees.

According to Families for Families founder Ron Stilton, "Arbortions are the first step on the slippery slope that leads to an acceptance of abortion." Stilton then asked the assembled crowd if Jesus ever said anything about accepting gay trees.

Bearing slogans that read "It's a sapling, not a choice" pro-life Families for Families members then picketed the homes of several suburban homeowners who have been removing baby trees. Several Families for Families members even tried to handcuff themselves to saplings at the home of Harris Charles, but ended up pulling some ssaplings out of the ground.

"I love trees, too," said homeowner Harris Charles. "But if I allow these to grow, then they will interfere with my fence, my porch and I will have no yard to speak of."

In a related development, a hardware store manager in Indiana has refused to sell weed-pullers.

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Meet the New Pope

In a surprising development a male European Roman Catholic Cardinal has been selected as the new pope. Many non-Catholics were hoping that the new pope would come from a different theological strain such as Hindu, Atheist or Unitarian. It just goes to show that the Catholic Church is not an equal opportunity employer, or even a democracy.

The selection of Joseph Ratzinger as Pope Benedict XVI took relatively no time at all. Explaining it to those who think the guy who played Cliffy the mailman on "Cheers" is now the pope may take a bit longer. One might think that the Cardinals, locked away in a $20 million hotel facility might have taken a bit longer to announce their decision. Then again, one can understand the Cardinals wanting to get back to their email and cell phones: "Dude, what's up...? Say Vespers yet...? Cool, yeah, we just selected a new pope. You in the middle of saying mass or something? I'll check back with ya later."

For those raised on John Paul II, Pope Benedict XVI is definitely not a rock star. He's more like Lawrence Welk, a bandleader with no swing. Just look at his name -- it's derivative. Ratzinger could have gone in a new direction, say Pope John Paul Pius I or Pope Bono. He is also old school when it comes to contraception, homosexuality and abortion. In other words condom using Catholics who use sex for recreation not procreation are still in line at the cafeteria waiting for a Jelly Sandwich on pita bread. A seventy-eight year old man who has spent the better part of his life practicing celibacy isn't going to go back on that now.

It would all be a bit easier if Jesus came back every few years or so to hold a press conference on these matters. This guy supposedly rose from the dead and he can't check in with his followers every now and then to keep them in line? That would be one hell of a news break: "Jesus Christ's publicist has announced that Jesus will give a one hour press conference this afternoon on the following topics: Terri Schiavo, contraception, homosexuality and the war in Iraq." There is nothing like getting it straight from the source.

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Police Academy 8: Border Patrol

American volunteerism got a shot in the arm recently when a group of self-proclaimed "Minutemen" set out to guard the Arizona-Mexico border from illegal immigrants. For those keeping score at home, the "Minutemen" are not trying to stem the tide of Americans heading to Mexico for Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

If I were a guessing man, I would venture that the "Minutemen" are overreacting to "Spanglish," a film that tells the tale of a culture clash between a Mexican woman and her daughter, who are in the US illegally, and a wealthy LA family with such modern problems as alcoholism, promiscuity, weight and overall unconvincing dialogue meant to purge the demons of wealthy liberal angst. If any film deserves a one-word review it is this one: "Spanguish." If the Swiss had "Minutemen" guarding the Austrian Alps back in the 1930s, they would have perfomed the important task of preventing "The Sound of Music."

Why these volunteer border guards settled on calling their activism the "Minuteman Project" could have myriad possibilities: an homage to the University of Massachusetts mascot; the overall time commitment that "Minutemen" put into getting Biblical with their spouses; an homage to the punk band; or an attempt to liken themselves to Revolutionary army volunteers who had taken up arms against the Redcoats in order to get cheaper tea and launch John Hancock's career as a colloquialism for signature.

What incredibly bad fashion sense one must have to wear a red coat when there is a war going on. Anyone who has ever played some form of wilderness survival combat knows that red coats makes you an easy target for your gun wielding opponent. Do we give the troops in Iraq Day-Glo orange and wish them well against the insurgency?

Picking out illegal Mexican immigrants who are trying to conceal themselves is likely to be a bit harder than pointing out the British in their silly red coats. Even though many are armed, the "Minutemen" are only supposed to count those crossing the border illegally and then tell US border guards, wink wink. In other words the "Minutemen" are supposed to be volunteer inventory clerks with guns instead of fancy hip calculators. They apparently don't need calculators as their weapons may be used as an abacus.

Let's hope the Minutemen branch out and start protecting the Canadian border as well. We don't need no hockey lovers infiltrating our way of life.

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A Social Security Gamble

Social Security is in crisis - I only know this because the President told me so. He told everyone else, too, but I was paying attention. I always listen to people standing in front of file cabinets. I'm a good listener. If I hadn't listened to the President then I would have assumed that everything was just fine, but alas I had to take down my secret FDR prayer wall complete with a life size replica of the former president's beloved dog Fala. Occasionally I do lapse and take Fala out of storage to play for an hour here and there.

The main problem with Social Security is that it is out of step with the times. It's been around since the 1930s. That was before TVs, MP3s and even X-Boxes. Back then the president was in a wheelchair! No wonder there was so much depression. At least now we have the courage to elect a president who can run a mile in a decent time. Instead of voting on the first Tuesday in November every four years, why don't the nominees duke it out in a 10K. With that arrangement Jeff Gillooly could be busting kneecaps for a much bigger payday than Tonya Harding ever promised. Third party candidates would be allowed to race, too, but race rules would prevent them from starting until and hour after the starting gun. Even then, they may not get official racing bibs.

Regardless of how fast the president can run, the Social Security crisis cannot be averted and the proverbial feces and fan commingling is due to strike right around the time I enter my "golden years." The time to act is now.

One means of fixing Social Security is to raise the age at which the benefits are paid out. This is all well and good, but why not go a step further - make "Upon Death" the age at which one is eligible for benefits? Sure, there would be some short-term gain, but really what have older folks ever contributed to society? Besides, the fund would be solvent in time for my retirement.

The main drawback to this plan is that baby boomers would be forced back into living with their children. I, for one, couldn't survive the countless references to how the bands and protests were better "back in my day."

We could always euthanize the Baby Boomers when they get over a certain age. After all, it is because there are so many of them that the Social Security fund is drying up. This would also lessen the burden on the current system, while removing its least productive members who, let's face it, don't have much of a future. That wouldn't play out very well politically, especially since old people vote. With all the old boomers gone and no one going to the polls on Election Day except evangelical Christians, who's to say that George W. Bush wouldn't become king after a special election? The Bush twins would only be a heartbeat away from the monarchy with Dick Cheney in a pickle jar clinging on to the Vice-Monarch title.

Since Bush is not yet a king, he is forced to convince the masses that his Social Security plan is a humdinger. It's kind of like "Twelve Angry Men" in the way that Henry Fonda convinced everyone that the defendant was innocent - only Bush invites the choir before he starts preaching. So far the President's plan has revolved around the "tom-a-to/tom-ah-to" debate over whether younger workers should invest in "private" or "personal" accounts. I prefer "funnel accounts," as in our money will be funneled toward some brokerage house with a history of political contributions. The basic idea behind "funnel accounts" is this: people under 55, armed with a copy of "Investing for Dummies" and the dim memory of panning for gold in the NASDAQ circa 1999 ("there's gold in them thar stocks!") would be allowed to invest their Social Security funds in anticipation of reaping the benefits of private investing. Thus, we won't be living check to check but portfolio earning statement to portfolio earning statement. Somehow this is supposed to keep Social Security going well past the expiration date of the Patriots XV-eth Super Bowl win in a row. Financial writers are already champing at the bit to write the "definitive" Social Security investment tome.

But investing in the stock market is sooooo pre-Bubble and who needs to revisit those years when the President's sex life was big news, tacking dot-com onto anything could make you a paper millionaire (talk about your nonexistent trust funds) and there was no such thing as "American Idol?" What we really need is a plan that speaks to this day and age. Thus, instead of the President's "Funnel Account" proposal I suggest we get our Social Security funds in gambling chips in order to take one good crack at the roulette wheel or the craps table. For every person who wakes up with a hangover wondering why he or she called for a hit on a ten and a king at the blackjack table the night before, there is bound to be someone who reaped the rewards of studying game film from the "World Series of Poker."

I want to be first in line at the craps table yelling, "Come on, snake eyes! Fala needs a spring jacket!"

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Tourist disappointed by 16-hour wait for DisneyLand: Vatican

Admits he expected more than just an overdressed dead guy.

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Tom Delay applies for Pope vacancy

Satire

Sources inside the Vatican confirm that US Congressional Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX) has submitted a resume and cover letter to the Vatican in hopes of securing an interview regarding the recently vacated Pope position.

In his cover letter, Delay cited his ability to crush the opposition, demand absolute obedience and ignore his own complicity in corruption. Delay also claims to have been celibate for sometime, posing the philosophical question: "Would you fuck an asshole like me even if I paid you?"

Delays dream of becoming Pope were dealt a setback as the Vatican sent the following response:

Dear Mr. Delay:

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding our Pope opening. While your credentials are indeed outstanding, we do not feel you meet the necessary qualifications for the position at this time. We will keep your resume on file for one year in the event that we do have any openings that meet your skills and experience. If you wish to reapply for this position in the future, we suggest you join the Catholic faith and become an ordained priest.

Best of luck in your search,

Most Rev. Bruno Magli
Bishop of Cordovan

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Survivor: Vatican

My name is Chris and I'm a recovering Catholic. I entered a twelve-step program (Catholics Anonymous) ten years into this most recent papacy and haven't looked back since. My knees are thankful. Now that Pope John Paul II has passed on that pretty much qualifies me to say nothing about papal succession.

This new period between popes has taken on the air of a Super Bowl postgame and pregame show. The next time you check in to see how the media is covering the events leading up to Pope John Paul II's funeral you just might see his vital stats: # masses officiated, # receiving Communion from him directly, # countries visited, etc.

Don't be surprised if the networks try to come at Papal succession from a new, reality TV influenced angle. Think "Survivor: Vatican" as cameras unmask all the cloak and dagger deception that comes along with a bunch of celibate men in funny clothes deciding on a new leader for millions of followers. The final, white smoke moment will be broadcast Live as Donald Trump tells Cardinal so-and-so, "You're hired."

The Cardinals might not go for that thing, however. The next Pope does have important things to do, such as asserting that Jesus wouldn't approve of the latex condom. If only there existed Lifestyles ribbed in the year 32 AD, we might have a better understanding of this thorny issue. Something tells me that Jesus wouldn't have gone far out of his way to protect a pedophile apostle, but then we don't have the reporters' notes from any of the original Gospels.

All of this really belies the main challenge facing the next pope: can he (yes, it will be a he) get Sinead O'Connor to rip up his picture on Saturday Night Live?

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Baseball season is almost here!

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Annan up for "Worst Parent" award

A recent inquiry into the Iraq "Oil for food" program exonerated UN Secretary General Kofi Annan of any involvement in the scandal. Annan, however, is the early frontrunner for worst parent of the year, since it appears he had no knowledge of his son's own conflict of interest. As part of a parental retraining program, Kofi Annan has been instructed to get involved in his son's life and ask more questions.

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Report excoriates US Intelligence failures in Iraq

A recent report, commissioned by the White House, chided US intelligence for its failures in misjudging the weapons capabilities of Iraq, among other things. In replying to the report, White House spokesperson Scott McLellan noted that, "Weapons of Mass Destruction is so 2003. After careful market research we settled on spreading democracy like soft butter over Syrian bread as our reason for invading Iraq."

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Search Engine Optimization

A semi routine look at search items that brought you all here.

terri schiavo t shirts - perhaps you'll want the key ring, poster and matching travel mug, too.

parents concern of beatles with drugs - DEA agents have uncovered a new means of drug smuggling: carrier beetles are outfitted with drug shipments and then instructed to fly into the US. The Minutemen, self appointed border control agents, are instructed to carry flyswatters in addition to firearms.

jim nabors gay - Gomer Pyle, pioneer of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy?

gay musician michael Bolton - seems to be a theme here: the sexual orientation of bad singers.

aarp beliefs - This is covered in the "AARP-ostles Creed." Members attending AARP ceremonies pledge continued commitment to screwing the young.

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