The nation can safely turn its attention back to the Michael Jackson trial

Terri Schiavo died this morning.

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Cochran's death leaves void

Satire

The recent death of attorney Johnnie Cochran has many in the United States scrambling to find a new "least favorite attorney."

Cochran led the "Dream Team," a high-powered team of lawyers who successfully defended former N.F.L. star and actor O.J. Simpson charges of murdering his wife and her boyfriend. In the ten years since Simpson's acquittal Cochran has been the standard bearer for all that is wrong with the legal system.

"Without Cochran I feel so empty inside," said a misty eyed Walt Dundeegan, one of many people certain that Cochran helped Simpson get away with murder. "I suppose I could look to other members of O.J.'s legal team, or Robert Blake's attorneys, or John Edwards, but it will take some time. I'll have to wait for the Michael Jackson verdict, I suppose."

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Schiavo supporters refuse to give up

"We'll keep her from Heaven yet," they vow. Meanwhile polls indicate that the rest of the country would yearn to be dead too if Schiavo's supporters had taken up their cause -- even if they were not in a persistent vegitative state.

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Public Service Announcement from the Plush Animal Rescue Fund

When you first meet Pat, he seems like a happy-go-lucky bear. With his tri-corner hat, Pat is a gentle reminder of the revolutionary war era.

But not all is okay in Pat's world. Like many plush animals without owners, Pat found himself with nowhere to go. In order to make ends meet, Pat turned to a life of stripping. Night after night, Pat loses his vest as women beg to see his "musket."

Pat dreams of a day when he can study the history of bears in the Revolutionary War. In order to do that, he must give up his life of stripping, something that can only be accomplished by providing him with a warm, loving home.

The Plush Animal Rescue Fund is actively searching to find a home for Plush Animals like Pat. Do what you can to help, please contribute today.

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Going gently into that 15 minutes of light?

It's nice to see that Florida governor Jeb Bush is such a strong supporter of adoption. In this case, however, the fetus in line at the abortion clinic is a grown woman whose life was technically over 15 years ago. In his rush to save the "life" of Terri Schiavo, Bush hired a doctor to speed read the case for less than an hour and report that Schiavo could very well be the modern day equivalent of Rip Van Winkle. Bush is now trying to gain legal custody Schiavo for the state of Florida, a state that can't even get an election done without controversy.

What is essentially a "he said, they said" argument between Schiavo's husband and her parents, has devolved into a morass of court decisions and legislative activity and protests from "supporters" who have erected her supine body as the golden calf of the pro-life movement, expecting her to magically recover, Lazarus-like, in order to rat out a supposedly sleazy husband.

Congress, of course was more than willing to get involved in this fiasco, it is chest-puffing season after all. Fresh from the afterglow of grilling Major League Baseball players and executives about the use of steroids in the sport, Congress voted to allow the Schiavo case to be heard in Federal Court. Now Congressional legislators can say they did some important work and the President, who flew in to Washington to sign the bill, can notch another defense for "culture of life" which mysteriously includes a loving embrace of capital punishment. If a woman who has been in a vegetative state can magically recover, why couldn't a murderer find remorse after years in prison?

As a result of Congressional intervention, retired baseball slugger Mark McGwire walked away with a more tarnished reputation and Terri Schiavo is still without her feeding tube. Questions abound in both cases. After all, no one is yet absolutely positive that Mark McGwire used steroids. All we know is that he gave evasive testimony and the Magic 8-Ball that I consult with regularly replied that "Signs Point to Yes" when asked about McGwire and steroid usage. In today's media feeding frenzy that means he is guilty as charged.

As for Terri Schiavo, would she be pleased to wake up and see herself splattered all over t-shirts, key rings, bumper stickers, news media and blogs all in the name of protecting her dignity? How about the manipulative tactic of sending a ten-year-old boy to bring her water? That hardly seems like compassion.

Now that the Supreme Court has refused to hear a final appeal, it's time to let go and gracefully give Schiavo back her fifteen minutes of fame. If it bothers you so much, take up some other worthy cause in her memory, like protecting the lives of those subjected to ethnic cleansing campaigns in Darfur or some other remote place where a feeding tube for someone whose time is past due is not as much of an issue as is survival.

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Bloginosis Testimonials

Recently, we told you about an ailment known as Bloginosis: an unfounded belief that one's blog is important to other people. Since then, the Bloginosis Treatment Center has received countless testimonials from bloggers like you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Since I talked to my doctor about my Bloginonsis, I have come to see that I manage to take interesting topics and suck all of the life out of them with my pretentious self importance. Your treatment also helped me discover my sense of humor. My next step will be to look away from the mirror...when I can...I have such beautiful hair, though.
- Ken Grandstand

Thanks to you, I now keep a "diary." I never even knew what a diary was until now. - Brittney Felicity Chalmers

I've switched from describing my blog as musings, ramblings and random thoughts to "Focused nonsequiters." Thank you. Now I just have to work on the rants.- Frank L. Ottenfeldt

No one really cares how long it's been since I posted, do they? Even though it has been a while, from now on, I'll keep it to myself. Would they care about how my sprained ankle is doing?
- Chris Vallancourt Bloginosis sufferer and infrequent long distance runner

If you feel that you may suffer from Bloginosis, call the Bloginosis Treatment Center. It's a first step that you can feel good about.

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Congress inserts itself in Schiavo drama

Republican lawmakers want as many voters as possible in Florida for 2008 presidential contest.

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Easter Bunny shut out of town for advocating poor nutritional habits

Satire

CONCORD, MA - The Easter Bunny will most likely be skipping this Massachusetts town after receiving a cease and desist letter from a collection of concerned parents. Their concern? That the Easter Bunny will deliver too much candy and spur an epidemic of Type II diabetes among their children.

"We have no problem with the Easter Bunny bringing colored eggs, aside from the cholesterol content," said Joyce McKnight, the parent who started the campaign to curb the Bunny's activities.

Some parents were not happy to learn that the Easter Bunny may not be visiting. Brenda Dawson is particularly upset. "What am I going to tell my children? That the Easter Bunny isn't real? That the Easter Bunny is peddling unhealthy snacks? The promise of Easter candy is the only way I can get them to go to Church once a year."

McKnight and the rest of the concerned parents are nonplussed. "We don't want that Bunny coming through here distributing milk chocolate death sentences," said Fred Walcott.

Lawyers for the Easter Bunny are reviewing other options to bring Easter to the children of Concord, including a selected Easter basket dropoff area for parents who do want their children to participate and the inclusion of a nutrition and dental brochure in each basket delivered in Concord.


Would you trust this bunny to give your children candy?

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Senate votes to populate Alaska with more black bears

Satire

The US Senate voted a few days ago, by a margin of 51-49, to increase the population of lack bears in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge.

Environmental groups have expressed outrage over this vote, which confuses Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK). "We plan to reintroduce a species of bear into the wilderness that has not been seen for some time," said Senator Stevens, "Environmental groups should be applauding this initiative."

According to Stevens office, the introduction of the black bear into ANWR calls for drilling a new habitat into the soil, under the assumption that the drilling will help native polar bears evolve into black bears.

"That's not evolution," said environmental activist Kent Bravnan. "That's essentially covering polar bears with oil and calling them black bears and that just doesn't fly."

Some bloggers have already begun to take up senator Stevens' cause by questioning Bravnan's sanity and patriotism.

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Go on, celebrate...!

Because St. Patrick was a loud, loutish drunk with a penchant for green beer and leperchauns, you should celebrate. Drink as much as you can. Go on, I dare ya!

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If those two people are in love, then what are we?

A California judge has ruled that nothing in the California constitution prohibits gay marriage. Evangelical Christians, or those who accept a mama's boy that only hung around with unmarried men and wouldn't sleep with the biggest slut in town (hmmmm), have kicked into full gear in denouncing the ruling. Apparently they are afraid that two people with roughly the same anatomy sharing love will expose their own marriages as a sham.

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Senate launches investigation into use of performance enhancing chemicals in music industry

Satire

Emboldened by their investigation into the Major League Baseball Steroids Scandal, the US Senate has called a special commission to investigate the musical recording industry for frequent violations in the area of performance enhancing recreational medications. At issue is whether or not some of "the greatest music of all time" was composed in an altered state which gave the artists in question an unfair advantage in the marketplace.

"We're just trying to get the facts here," said Senator John McCain (R-AZ). "People buy records from these people, t-shirts, identify with the band members. The American people need to know whether their heroes were on drugs at the time."

The controversy surrounds a number of bands, most notably The Beatles, whom it is believed composed much of their music, including their album "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" while under the influence of mind altering drugs such as marijuana and LSD.

Among those subpoenaed to appear before the Senate are the surviving members of The Beatles, Nirvana, The Velvet Underground, and Pat Boone. Boone has already agreed to testify before the commission while former Beatle Paul McCartney has not, citing the fact that Sergeant Pepper and all other Beatles albums in question were recorded at Abbey Road Studios in England.

"It could very well be that mind altering substances used by the Beatles and other musical acts created an unfair advantage in the marketplace," said Senate Majority leader Bill Frist (R-TN). "We intend to find that out. Drugs are no substitute for artistic achievements from people like Pat Boone and Jim Nabors."

"The effect of these hearings could be far reaching," said music historian Joel F. Leech. "The Bebop era of Jazz and the entire late 1960s through early 70s era of Rock n Roll could become completely meaningless. So long Coltran, Bird, Miles, Hendrix and Bob Dylan."

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney also decided to address the issue with reporters, "It would be just like the people in this state to listen to the music of drug taking degenerates who want to destroy family and marriage...but I am not yet running for president."

The RIAA has until Thursday to forward results of their drug testing program to the US Senate.

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Do you suffer from Bloginosis? Verbal Jazz is here to help

Are you a blogger suffering from a case of the musings, random thoughts, ponderings, ramblings, or rants? Is the purpose of your blog to pontificate, point out the shortcomings of (pick one: terror-loving liberals, fascist conservatives, idiots, morons, the clueless), or inform the world of your personal demons? Then you may have a Bloginosis: an unfounded belief that your blog is "important" to other people.

Verbal Jazz is here to help.

Bloginosis can be quite debilitating as, with post after post, you try to make sense of your life, politics, or your relationship to a god that treats you like a spittoon. You may even believe that you are a positive force for change in the world - one blog entry at a time.

When posting your blog, it is not uncommon to feel a rush of power, especially when you begin to see comments on certain posts. Remain calm. Take a deep breath, and remember that the only ones who care what you have to say are those within your own echo chamber: right-wing morons who think Ann Coulter makes reasonable, informed arguments, reactionary liberals who claim the phrase "reactionary liberal" should be written as "concerned person of nonspecific gender or bias," and others who may be utterly devoid of irony.

Verbal Jazz is here to help.

Here are some suggestions for when you do feel a bout of Bloginosis coming on:

Remember - your thoughts aren't random: they are a controlled outpouring based on past experiences and beliefs. If your thoughts were random, you would not be able to carry on a conversation - even after they checked you into the mental ward with signs of schizophrenia.

For those of you prone to ranting - remember a rant is inherently illogical and you are most likely writing loudly about something which you probably know very little about. It's okay to be wrong and ill-informed, but you are only impeding your own development by foolishly clinging to beliefs you formed at 17.

If you happen to be musing or pondering you might consider pen and ink so you don't look back on your musings, ponderings or poor attempts at poetry and say: "I let a few hundred people see that? What the hell was I thinking?"

Those of you rambling, try reading your blog aloud. Tape-record it if you must. Listen. Would you read the puerile nonsense coming out of your mouth? You're no Jack Kerouac...but try drinking a bit more before you blog, maybe you'll just forget why you wanted to blog in the first place.

Verbal Jazz is here to help.

If, after following our advice, you continue to experience increased surges in your own self-importance after posting, please call the Verbal Jazz Hotline. Bloginosis is curable and preventable. Together we can fight this disease and promote safe blogging everywhere.

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Dan Rather's cryptic "final message"

Dan Rather may have bid adieu to his CBS anchor post with, "Courage," but once the cameras were off he was heard to mutter: "Vengeance is mine with a scrumptious side of sweet potatoes."

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NBC to switch to all "Law & Order" lineup

Satire

In order to generate more ratings and stay ahead of the competition, NBC announced today that it would switch to an all "Law & Order" primetime lineup. As part of the new strategy, NBC will fit the "Law & Order" theme into existing shows such as :

"Law & Order: ER"
"Law & Order: Scrubs"
"Law & Order: Joey"
"Law & Order: Will & Grace"
"Law & Order: The Apprentice"

The network also plans to offer special reunions such as "Law & Order: Cheers," "Law & Order: Frasie"r and "Law & Order: Friends." Plans for "Law & Order: The Cosby Show" are currently on hold while Bill Cosby works out his legal problems - and you can expect that show to be "ripped from the headlines."

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There goes my bet on Miss Scarlet in the Study with the revolver

King Tut found to not have been murdered...just merely dead. For thousands of years.

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Sittin' on the dock of the UN

The United Nations was shocked today to learn that President Bush has nominated Michael Bolton to be US Ambassador to the international body. Other ambassadors have already purchased large quantities of earplugs in order to avoid hearing Mr. Bolton cause further death or injury to any number of songs--

--this just in, it is not Michael Bolton who was nominated, but rather John Bolton. Verbal Jazz apologizes. However, a nomination of Michael Bolton would have been a more effective means of sending a message of displeasure with the UN.

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"Caveat Emptor," says suspected BTK Killer

According to sources, Dennis Rader, the suspected BTK killer, is depressed because his jail cell does not resemble anything he has ever seen in the pages of "Martha Stewart Living." Swinging into full damage control, wardens across the country have attempted to depict Mr. Rader as a madman in hopes of attracting more upscale residents. "Martha Stewart showed the country what a prison stay could be," said Jeffrey Castor, Wills County Prison warden, "Come to our county, commit a crime, and stay 6-10 years in our luxury accommodations. You won't be dissappointed."

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Americans urged to exercise caution as AARP has WMD

Satire

Speaking to reporters yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice announced that AARP is in possession of weapons of mass destruction. "Intelligence indicates that AARP is a dangerous organization intent on using any means necessary to promote terror in order to undermine the President's plan to personalize Social Security."

AARP spokesperson Davis Charlton claims that these intelligence estimates are overrated. "AARP has never been in possession of weapons of mass destruction, nor does this association ever plan to acquire such weapons. Our mission remains to serve America's retired community. Ensuring that Social Security benefits remain in tact is one means of achieving that goal. We are also currently working with ESPN to promote shuffleboard."

Based on intelligence estimates of AARP's capabilities, Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff issued a warning for Americans to exercise "extreme caution" when visiting an assisted living facility or a retirement community as these places provide the highest concentration of AARP terrorist cells. "We have reason to believe that AARP operatives have infiltrated almost every retirement community in the US and are planning the mass destruction of Social Security reform as we speak," warned Secretary Chertoff.

The Senate plans to meet these charges head on and to take up a resolution this morning authorizing the President to hold AARP accountable for any weapons or terrorist activity in may be involved in. "If these charges are true, then we'll have no choice but to put AARP on notice," said Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist (R-TN). "This group simply wants to bankrupt America for its own personal gain."

"AARP's real agenda is the destruction of the American family," said Roland Heath, executive director of Familial Association of the American Family (FAAF). "After all they're just a bunch of gay-loving terrorists most likely trained in the abortive arts."

Davis Charlton of AARP claims that we have only quoted Heath because we'll listen to any two-bit crackpot who gives us a juicy quote. Charlton also claims that AARP has no weapons and does not operate any terrorist cells. "As if," said Heath.

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Praise Be! Martha Stewart is out of jail!

I only mention it because the "Bloggocratic Oath" states that we bloggers must "latch onto to most meaningless and trivial news because everyone else is." I promise to soon say something pithy about Michael Jackson being fitted for a Roman Collar, as well.

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The Ten Commandments according to Verbal Jazz

Today, the Supreme Court heard oral arguments over whether or not public institutions should be allowed to display the Ten Commandments. As a public service, Verbal Jazz has prepared a nifty guide to the Ten Commandments for those who may wonder what the big deal is:

1. I am the Lord thy god; thou shall not have any other gods before me - sounds like the big G is doing a bit of ego tripping right off the bat .. God's kind of like a wrestler or a rap star in that way.

2. Thou shall not make any graven images - hmmmm this seems to be bit of a conundrum: after all isn't a two ton rock hanging out in a courthouse the very sort of graven image that Commandment number 2 seems to go against? This Commandment also applies to any idolatrous shrines to rock stars that any of you may have had hanging in your room as a teenager. God knows if you read "Tiger Beat" when you were a teenager.

3. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain - goddammit! I've always hated this one. Jesus Christ, what's next?

4. Keep Holy the Sabbath Day - unless, of course there's a super deal on a plasma television, or it is the week before Christmas, or you need to make a last minute supermarket run before the Super Bowl. Seriously, when does this god character expect anyone to get any shopping done? Is it alright to say a few words in support of the graven image, I mean lord thy god, and then head out to Best Buy?

5. Honor your father and mother - That's right kids, even if your parents don't understand what you are going through, and they suck, you still have to honor them. That's right: your parents are drunks, meth-heads, abandoned you when you were a baby, whatever it was you still have to honor them. Where the hell is the respect for the goddam (sorry, Commandment 2) children? Please note that a prohibition on urinating on your parents' graves is also understood as part of obeying this commandment.

6. Thou shall not kill - except of course as revenge...that whole turn the other cheek thing was just some guy talking out of his ass.

7. Thou shall not commit adultery - this is the one that officially sanctions gay marriage: if adultery, defined as sexual relations outside of marriage is something god doesn't like and being gay is not necessarily a matter of choice, then surely god would want gays to be married. I'm glad I could clear up that messy little theological debate.

8. Thou shall not steal - Now rightfully claiming what's yours, that's not necessarily stealing, is it? I mean, say my service at a certain restaurant sucked and they forgot to charge me for the after dinner coffee, that's kind of like karmic retribution, right?

9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor -- now about those stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction...

10. Thou shall not covet anything of thy neighbor's including his wife -- Take heed, ladies, the lord your god considers you property. Note that this commandment says nothing about coveting thy neighbor's husband, but that is kind of covered in item number 7.

There you have it, the Ten Commandments, handed down to Moses by way of a Dictaphone, surviving multiple translations, and now explained here for you.

You are welcome!

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Don't cry for Verbal Jazz

What's the matter, you've never seen a grown man limp while wearing tights in front of the lumberyard? Yes, if you happened to be driving by Butler Lumber in Maynard, MA on Saturday, you would have seen Verbal Jazz slip on a piece of ice and twist his ankle then get up and limp the whole half-mile home. As for the tights, they were the running variety designed to give me flexibility and comfort, while completely emasculating me. Given Governor Romney's new anti-gay-stem-cell crusade we may soon see legislation passed that would outlaw exercise clothing that calls into question one's gender or sexual preference.

I then managed to watch the entire Academy Award telecast with an elevated leg. I learned that it is possible for Carlos Santana and Antonio Banderas to both ruin a song, that Sean Penn is hoping to fill in on Jude Law's promotional tours and that Beyoncee could conceivably sing the National Anthem at every baseball stadium on Opening Day.

Fresh from the giddiness of being thanked by Hilary Swank, on Monday Verbal Jazz limped into the office of his boss and promptly gave three weeks notice...without the benefit of a backup plan other than website revenues and my soon to be lottery winnings. Suddenly, a weight was lifted off of his shoulders and now Verbal Jazz can live off the street value of found objects.

But don't cry for me. Just read Verbal Jazz.

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Supreme Court overturns teenage executions 5-4

To summarize Justice Scalia's dissent: "What is this country coming to when we can no longer execute juveniles? This mercy and redemption crap is for weenies, not a god-fearing Christian country like ours!"

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How is Verbal Jazz like the Lebanese government?

We both resigned on the same day. Although Verbal Jazz did not resign amid protests over my syrian connections -- my soon to be former employer was okay with my choice of bread.

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