Spanking advocates seize opportunity

After giving a warm testament to having the shit beat out of him by his grandmother, Best Actor winner Jamie Foxx has been contacted to serve as a spokesperson by the makers of The Rod, a product whose purpose is to provide good Christian parents with an ergonomic means of hitting their children. After all, one would hate to develop carpel tunnel syndrome during a good spanking, thus speaketh the lord.

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Fear and Loathing over crocodile tears

Satire

David Johnson reacted with "fear and loathing" when he heard the news that Hunter S. Thompson had committed suicide. Johnson told all of his friends that he was "completely bummed out [by Thompson's death] and needed some time to collect his thoughts.

Johnson now admits that he doesn't care about Thompson's death. "I never read anything the guy wrote," said Johnson. "I always meant to, but it always seemed to me that he was more personality than talent.

Johnson claims that the lie grew innocently enough. He was at his friend Steve's house when they both heard the news that Thompson was dead. "I wanted to appear cool and hip, so I told Steve that I read everything by Thompson," said Johnson. "I mean you can't just maintain your cool friends if you don't like Hunter S. Thompson, Henry Miller or Jack Kerouac and I strike out on all three."

Secretly, Johnson worries that his friends might think he is too middle of the road. "Maybe I should just join the Bible study group now," said Johnson, "before I tell them that I think 'Naked Lunch' is an incoherent mess."

Johnson maintains that he was really upset when Kurt Cobain died.

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"European Vacation" helps President Bush prepare for European Vacation

Satire

President Bush is having a grand old time in Europe but don't think he went into this trip unprepared. Far from it, in fact. Speaking to reporters today the president said he planned for his tour of Europe by watching "National Lampoon's European Vacation" fifteen or sixteen times.

Watching "European Vacation" prepared the president for the "vast cultural differences" between Europe and America. Among the things that the president learned about Europe are: never buy a beret with your name on it, never take your shoes off and stand in a fountain in Italy lest the charming Italian gentleman who is taking your picture runs off with the camera and that Big Ben and Parliament are best viewed over and over again to get a sense of how the light affects the objects throughout the day.

The president admitted that he identified with the character of Clark Griswold, "a man of integrity, a loving family man."

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Contributions of lesser-known presidents

Happy President's Day, everyone! Today we commemorate the executive office of the President of the United States of America. Would you believe that some believe that the presidency is a divine rite bestowed by god upon the most deserving...yet god only seems to care only because a certain tsunami aid worker had a bit of a dalliance in his office. But this isn't about the divine rite of the presidency, this is about those lesser known presidents who don't show up on the list of favorite presidents. Everyone lists common stalwarts like Lincoln, Washington, Kennedy, Reagan, FDR and Bush among their favorite, but what of those others?

Andrew Jackson - Without A-Jax there would be no twenty dollar bill. Money would skip from the ten to the fifty, making the process of getting change for a Ben Franklin that much more difficult.

Grover Cleveland - A muppet and a city on lake Erie. Imagine if the Muppet were named after James and the city on lake Erie were named Blaine ("that's an appliance, that's not a name!"). That's right, it was James Blaine whom Cleveland defeated in the 1884 presidential race. Now do the same with Benjamin and Harrison

Herbert Hoover - that giant sucking sound? Thank this president for the vacuum that bears his name.

James Garfield - that's right, that lazy comic about a lazy cat could very well be named Hancock...Garfield's opponent in the 1880 election.

Chester Arthur - without this president there would never have been "Maude" and "Golden Girls" star Bea Arthur. Think about that one.

Your assignment now is to find other lesser-known presidents and discover their contributions to history. And good luck!

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Mets to undergo name change as a result of new partnership

Satire

The New York Mets have announced that they will be changing their name to the New York "Mezzo-Sopranos" as part of a cross promotional campaign with the Metropolitan Opera.

New York Mets, nee Mezzo Sopranos general manager, Omar Minaya sees this new partnership as a "golden opportunity." "With a diva like Pedro Martinez now on this team it became abundantly clear that there was an opportunity for this baseball team and the Opera to place our collective energies into a single branding strategy," said Minaya.

In addition to the name change for the Mets, the Metropolitan Opera and the Mezzo Sopranos will offer season ticket packages that will include opera performances as well as baseball games at Shea Stadium. The Opera also plans to sell hot dogs and beer at its concession stands and play "Take Me Out to The Ballgame" and "God Bless America" during intermissions. There is also talk of the Opera opening with "The Star Spangled Banner" before each performance.

It is not expected that the name change will affect rumors surrounding the sexual orientation of Mezzo Soprano catcher Mike Piazza, although it is not known at this time whether Piazza lobbied for this partnership.

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"Constantine" opens today

Keanu Reeves fighting demons who want to cross over? We're screwed.

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That Stanley Cup thing would sure make a nice end table

Well, they've gone and done it now - the NHL has cancelled the entire hockey season. That's like canceling Christmas if your idea of Christmas involves grown men sliding around on frozen water and getting in fistfights over a piece of hardened black rubber. If you're going to have a fight at least make it over a girl or money.

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If the liberal media weren't so biased we wouldn't have to do this sort of thing

There still many questions unanswered as to how male escort James Guckert managed to get hold of White House Press credentials while writing under the pseudonym "Jeff Gannon" "Talon News." Apparently no one read the FBI White House Press Corps Credential Criteria, Section 5, Paragraph 17: "Credentials shall be given to any member of the press corps who writes under an assumed name for any journalistic entity that has completed a thorough investigation of the president's policies and can find no fault with those policies. This same press corps member may also moonlight as a male escort under our 'don't ask, don't tell' policy for serious news organizations such as Talon News."

Be prepared for the following defense of allowing "Jeff Gannon" into the White House press corps: "The liberal media is so biased, we needed to even out the coverage."

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Born Again marriages

In front of 5,000 of their closest friends Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee and his wife Janet super sized their marriage of 31 years to "covenant marriage" on Valentine's Day. These new marriage vows now give the Arkansas Governor a protective shield against any gay man that may ask for his hand.

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"Candle in the Wind" week

Arthur Miller, former husband of Marilyn Monroe (the original "Candle"), dies and Prince Charles, former husband of Candle II to wed the "Candle Snuffer" Camilla. Elton John could not be reached for comment.

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Watch what you drink

New study finds that juice is bad for kids, many kinds even worse than soda. Juice sales skyrocket among rebellious teens...along with vodka mixers.

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North Korea's got the nukes

Kim Jong Il demands Lombardi trophy as collateral against using weapons. US refuses to talk.

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Pope released from hospital

College of Cardinals petitions UN for free election to get rid of the old guy in the pointy hat.

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Jason Giambi issues an apology, but no confession

One can only assume it is for signing with the Yankees in the first place. MLB players should be forced to take steroids. After all chicks do dig the long ball...

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Arthur Miller dies

Only in America could a great playwright's true claim to fame be boffing Marilyn Monroe. But, then it was Marilyn Monroe...kinda makes "Death of Salesman" seem irrelevant when you think about it.

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Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles to marry

Only in England could they neuter the monarchy, yet keep them around as a means of selling newspapers.

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On the ethical boundaries of Grecian Formula

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, a supporter of stem cell research, recently came out in favor of "ethical boundaries" for such research. Since he has no "ethical boundaries" on the artificial coloring of his own hair, one can only assume that "ethical boundaries" is code for "Romney for President 2008."

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Bush White House fails to recognize New England victory

President Bush has invited the "World Champion Philadelphia Eagles" to the White House to celebrate their "Super Bowl victory" despite overwhelming evidence that the New England Patriots won the game and are the actual champions.

Speaking to reporters this afternoon, White House press secretary Scott McLellan asserted that the president is aware that the New England Patriots scored more points, but that the true winner of the contest was the Eagles. The Department of Defense also released a statement throwing its support behind the President. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice speaking from The Vatican said, "How can anyone who watched that game not come to the conclusion that Philadelphia did win? We are calling on the New England Patriots to relinquish the Lombardi trophy or else face grave consequences."

Conservative commentators immediately threw their support behind the administration on this issue. Anne Coulter appeared on "Hannity and Colmes" to decry the "liberal media conspiracy" that would have a Massachusetts football team winning the Super Bowl three times in the last four years. "This is the land of Teddy Kennedy and gay marriage; who are they to call themselves 'patriots' anyway? They should be stripped of any achievements until they come in line with the rest of the country."

Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly echoed Coulter's comments. "Who are these so called New England Patriots?" Bill O'Reilly asked his guest, football columnist George Sanry of the New Jersey Sun. Sanry's response, "Super Bowl Champions," was immediately cut off by O'Reilly, who told his guest to "just shut up!" O'Reilly then referred the Patriots as "A group of thugs who won't give up the trophy that they stole."

Former football commentator Rush Limbaugh also agreed that the Eagles won the game but made sure to note that the Eagles' claim to the Lombardi Trophy is, in no way, connected to the play of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb. "The liberal media is totally giving McNabb a pass on those three interceptions and blaming the Eagles' coach a fine, upstanding overweight white man, for poor clock management in the fourth quarter," said Limbaugh.

Democrats immediately leapt to the defense of the Patriots. "This is clearly a strategy to move key votes to the GOP in an important battleground state like Pennsylvania," said Howard Dean, who is running for the chair of the Democratic National Committee. Dean refused to scream for the cameras.

The White House also derided the NFL's use of Roman numerals as intellectual snobbery and urges the American people to go ahead and use plain ol' Arabic numerals, which will soon be rechristened "American Numerals" in order to prevent the terrorists from winning.

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Q: Condi, why do you always pull that football away from Charlie Brown?

A: Because anyone who buys the wimpiest looking tree is obviously a Democrat.

Happy Super Bowl -- Go PATS!

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Verbal Jazz has a new look!

The new look is intended to keep you awake...or let your bosses know you are reading Verbal Jazz at work. Let me know what you think.

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Super Bowl Sunday a "Faith Based Experience" according to group

Is it rooting for your team, or an establishment of religion? Well, a group that promotes the separation of church and state has filed court papers to have all references to the Patriots' appearance in the Super Bowl this Sunday removed from state and municipal property in the state of Massachusetts on the basis that such displays "promote the establishment of a religion that may appear secular in nature, but, in the end, follows that same patterns of worship and ritual displayed by those religions that are admittedly more spiritual."

"It's no accident that the Super Bowl and most NFL games fall on a Sunday," said Steve Barrett of the Center for the Separation of Sports and State. "Sports fandom follows a very ritualized behavior pattern, plus the Patriots logo amounts to nothing more than a symbolic talisman. Tailgate parties are really just a high calorie Communion."


Does one genuflect at such public displays of faith?

Jerry Wilkins of the Center for Faith Based Government finds the notion that sports fandom can be equated with religious worship absurd. "This nonsense is ridiculous," said Wilkins. "Everyone knows that Jesus is a football fan, but I haven't seen Tom Brady ever rise from the dead. Maybe the Patriots as a franchise, but that's so different. "

The major assertion of the Center for the Separation of Sports and State is that displays intended to root for one team create a culture of "groupthink" that then leads to a state sponsored religion. The judge hearing the motion to remove signs supporting the Patriots is expected to laugh his ass off.

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Iraqi Election offers lessons for US officials: Purple Middle Fingers!

Following what many believe to be highly successful Iraqi elections, US election officials have begun to brainstorm ways to increase voter turnout here at home

The first is a visible sign that the participant voted. While Iraqis had their purple index fingers, election officials believe that special voting tattoos could even more greatly spark US voter turnout. "The purple finger is a nice idea, but I think most young people would see it like wearing a sticker after giving blood: kind of dorky. A tattoo, on the other hand, is permanent and rebellious, exactly the kind of people we are hoping to reach," said Jim Mason, US Director of Election Policy.

Mason is even considering a rise in the security threat level on Election Day. "Just tell people there is a possibility they will be shot at for voting, and people will come out chests a thumpin' in order to defend their freedom." To raise the security level, Mason would have to petition the Department of Homeland Security. Mason plans to convince the Department of Homeland Security that under voting presents a severe threat to democracy everywhere. "If we do raise the Security threat, we may even get away with marking the middle fingers of voters purple, and save money on the voter tattoo project," says Mason.

Perhaps the greatest lesson learned from the Iraqi election is to not know who the candidates are for office. The "Blind Ballot" as Mason calls it would force voters to make a quick decision without having to muddle through months of political advertisements. Candidates could also save money on expensive political ads and find more creative uses of the funds they raise.

Election officials are currently not exploring the possibility of halting vehicular traffic on election day citing economic consequences far greater than "not one damn dime day."

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