Breaking News: Saddam defeats Truman in Iraqi election!

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Secretary of Education tells Verbal Jazz to "Return the money -- those bears are gay!"

Education Secretary Margaret Spellings is calling on Verbal Jazz to return the money we have received for writing: "President Bush's Social Security plan is the best way for young Americans to save for the future." The Secretary apparently is upset with our plan to run the following picture:



The polar bears in the picture happen to be a gay couple, but the photo was intended to be a piece about the excess cold and snow in the Northeast, never once mentioning the sexuality of the bears. Verbal Jazz planned to show this photo because these polar bears happened to be available.

In order to make good with Secretary Spellings, Verbal Jazz would like to say: "The Department of Education leaves no children behind."

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Dr. Rice to be sworn in again because you can never be too sure

Condoleeza Rice will be sworn in again today as Secretary of State. The White House explained that the second swearing in is to be sure that Dr. Rice is sworn in properly, because, well you know, government isn't always that efficient. For her part Dr. Rice has been preparing for her new position by staring into a mirror and boldly declaring, "That's Doctor Rice to you, ambassador!"

Dr. Rice plans to mail DVD copies of both of nomination ceremonies to California Senator Barbara Boxer with a brief note: "Ha ha!"

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God, however, does not have thee answer for sloppy spelling and poor grammer

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Patriots and environmentalists upset over plan to eliminate Eagles

Many Americans have gotten their feathers ruffled by a report that a group of Patriots is looking for the quick extinction of a flock of Eagles. Rumor has it that the attempted massacre will take place on February 6. Since this announcement there have been numerous attempts to mobilize and defend the Eagles.

"This is America in a nutshell," said Ben Rhodes an advocate with the Eagle Defense Fund. "You have a bunch of yahoos going around calling themselves patriots, and suddenly they want to just go out and destroy animals. A few years ago these same patriots mutilated a herd of Rams, and then last year fought viciously with Panthers. And lets not forget how every year these Patriots send Colts to the glue factory. Jeez, even England has banned fox hunting!"

Rhodes is not alone in his desire to protect the Eagles, and he has an unlikely cohort in Tim Robinson, a self-proclaimed "libertarian and defender of freedom." Robinson is "sickened" by the thought that a Patriot would intentionally hurt "such a symbol of our nation's freedom as the eagle." "That doesn't sound like anyone who loves this country," said Robinson.

Robinson plans to join Rhodes and the Eagle Defense Fund as they march in Jacksonville, FL, the site of this supposed Eagle hunt. Robinson has a word of caution about his participation in this protest, "I'm not turning into some enviro-weenie; this is the eagle we are talking about, besides I plan to drive my SUV."

"We take help wherever we can get it," said Rhodes. "I don't think Americans are as aware of this hunt as they should be; they're too focused on the Super Bowl and need to wake up."

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Summers apologizes for insensitive birthday gift

Harvard President Lawrence Summers has come under even more fire in the last couple of days since it was reported that he bought an EZ Bake Oven for a niece who had asked for a chemistry set for her birthday.

Summers has since apologized profusely for the gaffe but explained that he hoped the EZ Bake Oven would facilitate his niece's interest in science with a more practical interest in the domestic arts. "After all, cooking is kind of like chemistry, you experiment until you come up with the correct proportions," said Summers.

"Bullshit!" said the Susan Boyd, Women's Studies chair of Flynn-Boyle college in Monson, MA, and certainly not a respected scientist. "All [Summers] wanted to do was put that little girl in her place in front of an oven and not a Bunsen burner."

Summers has since abandoned his plan to introduce a new scientific topic every month. In February he was planning to ask: "Are scientists naturally ugly?"

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SNOW DAY! A photo essay

Verbal Jazz had a snow day today. Instead of staying in and drinking hot liquids I went out and took some pictures in my home town of Maynard. This, I do for you. Now thank me. I said thank me!


I see you, sneaky Clock Tower!


How will the trash in the river find food?


Ha, ha! You had to work today!


I would hope that this gratuitous snowy pine tree shot would lend a bit of gravitas to this piece.


The Missus Jazz is very glad we did not buy a house on this street - neither of us ski


When snow blowers attack!


Ice skates $5...go ahead, it's safe!


Stand under it and look up...go ahead, it's safe!


Just once I would like to see an SUV take on a mound of snow like this.


Whatever you do, don't cover this sign!


Tractor, be proud of your hard work!


And I, I will take the road more traveled by because I don't want to get any more snow in my shoes because it's cold and wet and I am about a mile from home, without a car. What? You think it's easy taking the road less traveled by, you freak?


Who is that creepy guy out taking pictures?


Having a snow day can help anyone find god. Hallelujah.

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Hey, Caaahl, you shoulda pissed your name in the snow!

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Pigeon Man!

Think any of these birds will shit on the guy who feeds them?

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Another dream dies in the shadow of City Hall

Those balloons, once so hopeful and full of joy, will now choke any bird tried to use them to build a nest.

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The best part of fresh cut flowers?

They're already dead before they die! Take that, irises and tulips!

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How will you spend the inauguration?

On Thursday, George W. Bush gets a $40 million party because he successfully lobbied to keep his job. I wish someone would throw me a $40 million party every time I get to keep my job despite solid evidence that suggests I deserve otherwise. Better yet, just give me the $40 million to do my job and we can skip the party, I'd hate to see all those balloons and tickertape causing an environmental nightmare anyway.

Part of the $40 million is going towards extra tight security to keep those who disagree with the president away from the festivities. You've got to admire this corralling movement. I saw it first hand in Boston during the Democratic Convention. Caging people who just want to be heard is so original. I believe it's there in the First Amendment: Congress shall pass no law restricting an individual's freedom to speak from a cage. Beware the setup, though, one of these days they'll simply lock the cage in order to prevent the outspoken from influencing the complacent. Would it really be so bad if shopping for organic produce after most of the customers have been shipped off to Guantanamo Bay to hang out with their friends in Al Qaeda?

Protesting could be a dangerous occupation in these times, which has led to new fads in inauguration protests. A group of former Kerry staffers is treating itself to a cruise in which no tv or radio contact is allowed on inaguration day, which is eerily similar to how Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts will handle this year's Super Bowl after being once again knocked off by the New England Patriots. Since Kerry didn't win, you can't really say the cruise was hard earned. In fact, most of Kerry's staffers would rather be in Washington whooping it up as Kerry invents new ways to further define his stance on abortion. Those former staffers should prepare to be arrested for treason upon their return. One never knows.

Short of being in Washington to protest the coronatio-I mean inauguration, there are other steps you can take. An email I received recently informed me that a group of concerned citizens is banding together to not shop in protest of George W. Bush's second inaugural. That's really the best kind of protest: sit on your ass and do nothing! That'll show the bastards. Pardon me, if I don't think that a twenty-four hour dip in the sale of "Know Justice, Know Peace" bumper stickers is going to make the administration stand up and take notice. If there were a sudden dip in the sale of steaks and Bible's, the administration might move into damage mode while the press blathers on about an "economic crisis" forcing Bible publishers and meat producers to invent new, creative ways of bundling their products.

The funny thing about this email is that it was a forward. Email forwards are the easiest type to send, they require no thought and effort and easily inspire people to action, such as forwarding the email. If I followed the advice of every email forward that told me not to do something, then my existence would be spent staying away from stores and prodcts based on their reported allegiance to and doing whatever I could to never see "On Golden Pond" or "Barbarella" ever again. Do bans on Jane Fonda extend to Henry and Peter as well? That would be an excellent reason to avoid sleeping through "Ulee's Gold" again.

Personally, I will spend the inauguration trying to praise the Lord, since that seems to be one of the few things I can do in this era of moral values. In particular, I will praise the Lord for allowing me to I live in a country stupid enough to actually elect Bush after he and his cronies showed so little regard for the democratic process in 2000. Dear Lord, thank you for the gift of moral superiority! With the way the whole Iraqi election looks like it might be going down, it appears as though the administration thinks that voter disenfranchisement should be part of the electoral process. In 2008 you can be sure that blue states will be "no drive zone" and that voters won't be told where to vote until the day after the election due to security issues. That might be a good time to take a cruise.

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Raising Standards

President Bush recently announced that he intends to increase Pell Grants by $400. "Students can use it to buy a semester's worth of textbooks, or they can drive our nation's economic engine and buy an iPod," said the President. "I hear those things are pretty cool." The president plans to fund this new initiative through another tax cut for the wealthy, stating that students who receive Pell Grants should be able to work out the math by the time they graduate.

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Sticker shock in Cobb County, Georgia

A federal judge ordered school officials in Cobb County, Georgia to remove stickers on textbooks that remind students that evolution is a theory not a fact. Because of this ruling Cobb County school officials will also be forced to remove stickers placed on Bibles stating that the stories contained may not necessarily factually accurate descriptions of the events...oh, wait, they just had the science book sticker. One Cobb County official plans to put the unused stickers on his bumper, alongside the sticker that reads: "If you can read this sticker, you are too close."

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Prince Harry chooses wrong costume

Britain's Prince Harry is catching a lot of flak for wearing a Nazi Soldier costume to a costume party recently. The young prince, third in line for England's throne, regrets the decision and states that he should have gone with his first choice of World War II era costumes: Rosie the Riveter.

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Steroids: The Ultimate Punishment

Major League Baseball announced a stiffer penalty system for players who test positive for steroids. After the first infraction, players will be forced to submit to an interview with Tim McCarver. Civil rights groups currently at work to determine whether such a punishment could result in "severe organ failure." Alberto Gonzalez, the president's nominee for Attorney General, approves of the punishment.

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Lessons in democracy

The White House sees no reason to delay Iraqi elections scheduled for January 30, despite the widely held view that voters face an uncertain security situation in the country. In a statement released today, the White House referred to voter disenfranchisement as a "positive learning tool for a democracy." In fact, the White House plans to use footage of Iraqi voters getting shot at to encourage voters in Ohio and Florida to not be such pussies when having to wait three hours to vote.

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Finally, some real news

After nearly three weeks of endless reporting about some devastation caused by natural disaster, isn't it time we had some real news? Of course I am talking about the recent breakup of stars Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.

While the popular theory holds that Brad wanted a baby and Jen didn't, I think that the steadily declining publicity since the end of Ms. Aniston's stint on "Friends" has really worn the couple down. Verbal Jazz can understand the stress of being to an afterthought in celebrity magazines and entertainment news shows.

Despite the obvious shock of their split we, the entertainment feeding public, can hope that the stars remain committed to assisting each other's career and have worked out a "reconciliation clause" into any eventual divorce agreement, whereby they would agree to get back together to aid in the promotion of any film project that could use the extra publicity.

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Free samples?

Men in Truro, MA are being asked to submit a DNA sample to help police solve the three-year-old murder of Christa Worthington. The Truro police, being on Cape Cod, naturally assume that whoever committed the murder would not have been able to get off the Cape yet because the traffic is always so backed up. The police also plan to save money on testing the DNA sample by arresting any man who refuses to submit one on the grounds that "any freak citing the Fourth Amendment has got something to hide."

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Now, which justice is missing a piercing?

Two Mississippi libraries have banned "America: The Book" by Jon Stewart and the writers of "The Daily Show" because it depicts the Supreme Court justices as naked in a doctored photos. The objection is apparently not because the justices are naked, but because they are using obvious body doubles. Said Robert Willits, director of the Jackson-George Regional Library System: "Any picture of a naked David Souter without his nipple ring is a serious distortion of the truth."

1/11/05: In an update to this story the board of directors for the Jackson-George Regional Library system voted to overturn the ban. One member of the board, David Ogborn, still opposed lifting the ban, saying: "Our libraries are not a trash bin for pornographic material." Obviously, Mr. Ogborn, still confused about his new naked fantasies of Justice Scalia, has not adopted the earth friendly means of getting rid of paper: recycling. Mr. Ogborn now has no friends at the ACLU or the Sierra Club.

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More reason to stay home

Gaaa! You mean I have to watch out for terrorists, natural disasters, drunk drivers, sudden food allergies, bread, leaded gasoline, leaded paint, uneven sidewalks, crazed armed madmen...and now falling ice?

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A new, super corn-fed rainforest

Hoping to inspire a round of "If you build it, they will come" jokes, the state of Iowa has managed to grab $50 million (that's federal dollars) in order to build an indoor rainforest. The reason Iowans need their own rain forest? Because having one in Iowa is a bit more convenient, and a bit less scary than traveling to Brazil.

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Knowing me knowing you

Mahmoud Abbas was recently elected Palestinian president. For those of you who may not be up on your world politics, Abbas should not, I repeat not, be confused with a multitude of 1970s Sweidish pop groups. Verbal Jazz is only here to help. Now feel free to throw on the original cast recording of "Mamma Mia."

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He's a true Yankee now

Randy Johnson got into a fight with a cameraman today on his way to a physical...soon thereafter he received a call from A-Rod (a.k.a. A-Fraud) welcoming him to the team.

1/11 Update: RJ did manage to apologize for this incident...but he should really just apologize for joining the Yankees. The Yankees epitomize everything that is wrong with baseball.

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Verbal Jazz also yearns to exercise "bad judgement"

Commentator Armstrong Williams recently admitted to being paid $241,000 by the Department of Education in order to promote the No Child Left Behind legislation, referring to his actions as "bad judgment."

Verbal Jazz would like the administration to know, that I, too would be willing to accept large sums of money in order to help with the public relations aspect of promoting legislation. For instance:

* I think it's time we were allowed to invest our Social Security savings in the stock market. By why stop there? Why not invest our retirement on the Colts-Patriots game next week, or even use it to buy our way into the World Series of Poker? After all this so-called "New Deal" thing is so old. Cost: $122,500

* Tort reform: it's not just for pastries anymore. If we don't enact tort reform legislation now, you'll eventually have to have your lawyer attend every medical examination with your doctor's lawyer also present. And large drug companies should be sheltered from financial risk for new medications, after all they are driving the engine of progress on the medical frontier. Cost: $145,678.35

* Tax relief: The only sure way to ensure that our economic future is secure is to spend billions of dollars promoting freedom and then pass that savings onto the poor. After all, the wealthy have enough to deal with without having to also pay the government for services they don't even use. Cost $250,666.67

As you can see there are plenty of ways that Verbal Jazz would be willing to exercise "bad judgment." In fact, I've made too many good decisions in my life and need to add a couple that are ethically dubious. Please, Mr. President, all I want to do is help.

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Judiciary committee accused of torture as Gonzalez suffers "severe organ failure"

Following his Attorney General confirmation testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday, the White House sought to define the line of questioning that nominee Alberto Gonzalez received as "torture."

Questioning from Senators, such as Patrick Leahy led to what medical specialists described as "severe organ failure" as Gonzalez had difficulty recollecting details of many memos and meetings in which torture was discussed.

"It is obvious that the Senators in the Judiciary Committee interrogated Mr. Gonzalez to the point where his brain no longer functioned," said White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan. "This incident demands a full investigation, and I am sure it will find that the Democratic Senators on this committee were in violation of the Geneva Conventions."

In order to avoid an investigation, Senate Democrats are expected to approve Gonzalez as Attorney General.

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Grilled nominee with a side of mashed, please

Confirmation hearings begin today for White House Counsel Alberto Gonzalez, nominated to the post of Attorney General. You can expect there to be some serious grilling, although not the kind that Gonzalez himself would advocate for prisoners in Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib. In other words no one will say: "Fire up the barbecue, we got an Attorney General nominee to interrogate."

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Ayuh, it's Frank-en-shteeen!

A special prosecutor in Maine is investigating whether the brains of 100 people who died suspiciously were improperly donated to research. Let's hope none of them were "Abby Normal."

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The Passion of the Christ slated to win Best Documentary

"The Passion of the Christ," Mel Gibson's film about the crucifixion of Jesus, is considered to be the frontrunner to win Best Documentary at this year's Academy Awards. While not technically a documentary, Gibson's film would qualify under a special "Biblical Provision" that deems the Bible to be "authentic source material." The film's candidacy for the Documentary Award is being backed by the Society for Christian Awareness Realized Everyday (SCARE).

"It's simply obvious that Hollywood must atone for their backing of Democratic candidates last fall," said Jeffrey Wilson, publicist for SCARE. "They really should be thinking Best Picture, but we feel that the Best Documentary would give it more of a weight of truth."

Rachel Wagner with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences points out that "in this political climate it is simply not going to be acceptable to discredit a film that fits under the 'Biblical Provision.'"

"We're certain that Jesus appreciates this film, and will do what he can to deliver the award to Mr. Gibson," said Wilson.

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History textbooks rushed to include key events from 2004

History textbook publisher, the Subjective Press, has begin to rush a new history textbook into production which will include major events from 2004: Janet Jackson's nipple, "American Idol" winner Fantasia, "The Apprentice" winner Bill Rancic, the World Series victory of the Boston Red Sox, and the recent baseball steroid scandal.

"These were all major, earth shattering events," said textbook editor Jeffrey R. Johnson. "We felt it would be a disservice to students everywhere to not include these events."

Johnson went on to note that the textbook would not include in depth coverage such events as the presidential election (including primaries and conventions), the Iraq war, Afghanistan elections or gay marriage as students "haven't bopught in to the importance of those events." In fact, the only fleeting glimpse of the presidential elections was a brief sentence in the textbook referring to Blue States receiveing a "November smackdown from the Lord."

"Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff and the potential 2005 lineup of the Boston Red Sox are important, but some senator from Massachusetts and prisoners of war being tortured are not. It's that simple," said Johnson.

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