Urine Review

It's that time of year when everyone who writes for a living, or for a hobby, must contemplate the Urine Review. I find that my own urine is frequently pungent after eating asparagus and that I often have a feeling of relief in the morn---


Where Verbal Jazz frequently contemplates the "Urine Review"

Wait...I've just been told that it is supposed to be a "Year in Review." Verbal Jazz apologizes for the confusion. Well, I suppose I'd better do this quickly. Here is my year in review:

A lot of people did really stupid things and I made fun of them mercilessly.

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A moment of silence

Yesterday, the tsunami death toll raised from 22,000 to 33,000 to 55,000, now 63,000...roughly 21 times the number that died in the 9/11 attacks...now, let's take a moment of silence for the dead and their families

4:15 PM Update: 80,000 dead...26 times number killed in 9/11 attacks. To donate click here.

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Steinbeck Library closing an act of revenge

The city of Salinas California is planning to close all of its public libraries, including the one named for author and native son John Steinbeck. The City Council expressed the desire to "get back at Tenth Grade teachers everywhere" after for forcing students to read The Grapes of Wrath. The City Council also hopes to spare students the pain of Of Mice and Men. Sources confirm that the author would have been completely pissed off.

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Santa taken to court over cases of post Christmas depression

The sugar high from Christmas cookies has turned into a sugar low. Santa Claus has come and gone for another year. Toys that were once longed for fail to live up to the hype, or all the batteries have been drained of energy. Christmas trees are being places on the curbside. The period directly following Christmas is often one of darkness and psychological burden for children everywhere.

"We see this every year, children get really excited for Santa Claus, and then, when he's gone, the letdown follows," said child psychologist Barbara McHugh. "This constant up and down can lead to a cynical outlook on life."

A group of parents have decided to do something about this yearly depression, by filing suit against Santa Claus. This lawsuit is meant to stop Santa from delivering presents on Christmas Eve in order to prevent the post-Christmas blues. "Taking Santa to court should put an end to this nonsense," said the plaintiffs' attorney Arnold Alderson. "Santa has to take responsibility for these actions that put children through a yearly roller-coaster of emotions. Santa's culpability in this instance is huge."

Santa's attorneys are seeking to dismiss the lawsuit as "frivolous." In their motion to dismiss, Santa's attorneys list the numerous gifts received by both the parents and children and claim that the lawsuit is an attempt to "commit larceny by forcing [Santa Claus] to leave more presents as part of an out of court settlement."

"Not true," says parent plaintiff Shirley Masters. "My children are already bored with their video games and have watched their DVDs four or five times. They feel hopeless without Santa coming for another year. What kind of person fills a child with such hope and promise and then disappears, other than their daddy?"

A second suit is expected to be filed tomorrow accusing Santa of delivering more toys to the houses of the rich then to those of the poor.

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If you think the Holidays have become too secular...

I hope you had a Merry X-Mas. I can't wait for Springtime "Bunny Day."

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Questions to ponder

TV sitcom division

Why is it that characters in TV sitcoms who aspire to be acting professionals are always depicted as really stupid?

Why is it that characters that aspire to be teaching professionals always had problems in school? Would you want a teacher like that?

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Yankees rejected after making offer

The New York Yankees offered baseball fan Chris Vallancourt a 5 year $55 million dollar contract to be a Yankee fan and perform "Yankee fan services." Vallancourt, a long time Red Sox fan reportedly turned down the Yankees' offer, telling owner George Steinbrenner, "You can't buy my love, I'm a Sox fan."

Sources close to Vallancourt speculate that he may have considered an offer from any other team, except the Cleveland Indians since he finds Chief Wahoo offensive. "That's a lot of cash to turn down just to stay true to a baseball team," said one Vallancourt confidant, who refused to be named.

"This is a highly unusual move for Steinbrenner, after all the Yankees have a huge fan base in the New York metropolitan area and fans spread throughout the country," said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons. "It seems that [George Steinbrenner] was so shaken by the Yankees' ALCS loss to the Red Sox that he is even attempting to buy the Red Sox fans."

It is not known whether the Yankees have made offers to other Red Sox fans. Sources from inside the Yankees camp speculate that Steinbrenner won't make a move toward Ben Affleck because his movies have really sucked lately.

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Reviews and sales of "Rumsfeld's Book of Letters" disappoint

Reviews and sales of "Rumsfeld's Book of Letters" disappoint

Publishing Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's letters seemed like a great idea for a Holiday bestseller, but thus far "Rumsfeld's Book of Letters" has been a huge disappointment.

Most reviewers find the book to be repetitive. "The theme, 'we regret your loss,' is never fully explored throughout the book. By the end, there is no journey of enlightenment, just a sea of letters with different names," Writes Adam Clabron of the Vermont Daily Dispatch.

Other reviewers think Rumsfeld is making a statement. "Through repetition Rumsfeld manages to find the zen that comes with the sadness of any soldiers family. By the end of 'Letters' the cumulative effect is overwhelming," wrote Julia McBride of the Las Cruces Crusade.

Sales of Rumsfeld's Book of Letters have been less than brisk. "Well, it says this is an autographed copy, but it just looks like a stamp with Rumsfeld's name," said shopper Victor Petropoulos, leafing through the remainders at his local bookshop. "This blows, I'm going to get that swift boat vets book for my dad instead."

Calls to Secretary Rumsfeld's office reveal that the Secretary had no part in planning the book and that the project was rubber stamped in time to get it on the shelves for the holidays.

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Rumsfeld signature to drop in value

Now that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has promised to personally sign letters of bereavement to families who lose a loved one in the line of duty, collectables experts expect the price of a Rumsfeld signature to drop dramatically.

"Essentially, Rumsfeld has just told signature collectors that he plans to flood the market," said George Braithwaite, a noted collectables expert. "He's completely upset the apple cart on this one."

Currently, a Rumsfeld signature goes for about fifty cents. Braithwaite expects the price to drop to fifteen cents within the next week and stabilize at somewhere around a dime. "The price of an individual piece with Rumsfeld's signature may be worth more if the Secretary includes a personal note, but his signature will no longer be as rare," said Braithwaite.

The Department of Defense refused to discuss this issue with Verbal Jazz, but noted that would send a form-letter response using Rumsfeld's electronic signature. Braithwaite encouraged me to keep it noting that Rumsfeld's electronic signature may be worth more than his actual signature due to the novelty.

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Rudolph the Red Nosed Mutant

Part three of our investigation into ethical violations in the North Pole

You know him as the cute and cuddly reindeer with the very shiny nose who saved Santa's ass one foggy Christmas Eve. The real story, however, is much more harsh than a freak reindeer getting lost on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Records obtained by Verbal Jazz show that there was significant testing of nuclear weaponry in the North Pole in the 1950s and 1960s. Biologists believe that such tests may have contributed to genetic mutations of reindeer born in that period and may have directly led to Rudolph's red nose.

"It was the height of the Cold War and Santa was desperate for cash," said an Freddy the Elf, who at the time was in charge of negotiating with the Soviet Union for North Pole testing rights. "The Russians were willing to pay cold hard cash to detonate weapons, and Santa had to keep delivering toys. The russians gave us the Capital to do so."

The rest, as we know, is history. Rudolph was born a genetic mutant who was not allowed to play in any reindeer games. "At first they were just scared," said Blitzen, a Hall of Fame member of Santa's sleigh team. "I mean there the reindeer are learning how to fly when all the sudden this kid has a shiny red nose. We didn't know if he had some kind of disease or what. I mean what if that red nose were contagious, or a form of cancer or something?"

Eventually Rudolph matured into the reindeer we now know as the leader of Santa's sleigh, immortalized in song and stop motion animation. But were there other reindeer affected by nuclear tests in the North Pole? "Flying reindeer are in and of themselves, anomalous," said noted reindeer biologist Milton Vandekirk. "When you mix that genetic predisposition with the results of nuclear testing you're going to get a whole host of deformities that no one has ever heard of."

Among those deformities were Timmy the Two-Assed Reindeer, Frankie the Fungus-Antlered Reindeer (he has mushrooms growing where antlers should be) and Nicky the Night-Light reindeer, so named for his glow-in-the-dark male appendage. Even though Nicky's light was a little brighter that famous Christmas eve, Santa opted for Rudolph so as to avoid the embarrassing questions.

"This is just something that Santa has to live with," said Rudolph's father, Donner, another Hall of Fame member of Santa's Sleigh Team. "We've talked about it and cried about it, he didn't know at the time how devastating it would be. I would still do anything for Santa, though. I would."

The only real positive to this story is that it appears that the mutant reindeer are all sterile, and will not be passing their deformities on to another generation.

In the meantime, with each revelation about life in the North Pole, Santa's legacy is diminished.

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Because Jews, Muslims, Hindus, non Christians, Buddhists, Sikhs, Zoroastrians, Pagans, and Satanists cannot enjoy the Winter Holidays

Verbal Jazz recently read about a movement to boycott stores that use signage wishing their customers "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings," attempting to get those same stores to switch to "Merry Christmas." Because, of course, Jesus was a great self-aggrandizer.

Verbal Jazz will lead a movement attempting to get stores to put up signage wishing everyone a "Happy New Year" because the New Year message has been diluted by all this "Holiday Season" talk.

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Bin Laden Critics disappointed by sub par offering

Critics of the new bootleg Bin Laden tape, "Bin Laden: Tora Bora or Somewhere in the Vicinity! Live!" complain that the al Qaeda leader seems to have "lost his edge." "Early bin Laden had an anger that focused on American imperialism like no one else could," said one bin Laden fan. "I hope he branches out or returns to the roots that made him famous."

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Heathen homeowners need not apply

Verbal Jazz recently received a spam email offering mortgage rates to Christian homeowners. I wonder if the mortgage payment is tied to a tithe, or you have to fulfill part of the obligation in prayer.

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Selfish Pricks take to the air

The FCC is looking into providing a frequency on airlines that would make it safe for cell phone use on airplanes, so be prepared for banal one-sided conversations like the following:

"What are you doing right now? [pause] Yeah, they just started the beverage service, I'm going to get me a drink. [pause] How come stewardesses are all old now, or men, didn't they used to be hot and shit like that?"

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I saw mommy boffing Santa Claus

Part two of our investigation into corruption and ethics violations in the North Pole.

Have you been naughty or nice? Well, if you are an attractive young woman, it might actually pay to be naughty where Santa is concerned. As part of our ongoing investigation into corruption in the North Pole, Verbal Jazz has discovered that Santa Claus is more likely to give better gifts to so-called "attractive" women and their families than he is to those not considered as attractive.

As hard as this might be to fathom, our investigation reveals that it gets even worse: Santa reserves the most special gifts for those women who grant him sexual favors. As part of this ongoing investigation, Verbal Jazz came across Myrna Loosbeck of Shreveport, LA. Last Christmas Santa Claus brought her a brand new Mercedes - because she agreed to perform oral sex on Santa while he filled her family's stockings.

There are Myrna Loosbecks all over the country. Over the course of conducting research for this article, I encountered diamonds for doing it doggy-style, luxury vehicles in exchange for quickies, plane tickets for tropical vacations where the recipient was expected to rendezvous with jolly old St. Nick himself.

I even discovered that some who gave sexual favors to Santa were doing it only to get a better gift for their children or spouses. "Well, my husband just wanted a new set of golf clubs and I just didn't have the money," said Jane Bronson of Pensacola, FL.

"It's more than golf clubs; it's X-boxes, iPods, digital cameras, skateboards, snowboards, ski lift tickets, bicycles, the list goes on and on," said Brenda McNulty a US attorney picked to head up an ethics investigation of Santa Claus. "Santa knows who's naughty and who is nice and by extension knows who will put out for him. There may indeed be some serious ethics violations here."

Verbal Jazz decided to go straight to the source. One day this past summer I attempted to contact Mrs. Claus. She refused to comment and slammed the door in my face. Behind the heavy oaken door I could hear the sounds of sobbing.

"The Clauses like to project this air of a merry and sexless existence in the North Pole," said Darryl Haggerty, North Pole gossip columnist for the London Press UK newspaper and author of several books about Mr. and Mrs. Claus. "It's been obvious to those of us who watch the Clauses that the missus just hasn't done it for the big guy for some time now. It's kind of sad, really."

As of today, the US Justice Department, led by Brenda McNulty, is still investigating Santa Claus for numerous ethics violations. Darryl Haggerty expects Mrs. Claus to request a divorce any day now, "After all, two centuries is a long time to be married and [Santa] is obviously getting his kicks elsewhere."

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The North Pole, Exposed!

Every year we hear the same story: Santa Claus and his merry band of elves make toys for all the good girls and boys. Then Santa and his reindeer fly around on Christmas Eve delivering those toys to those good boys and girls. Over the course of the past year, the Verbal Jazz investigative reporting team has worked tirelessly to bring you the real story behind Santa's operation in the North Pole. We'll bring you overworked elves, mutant reindeer and a Santa Claus doing what he can to keep his smoke and mirrors operation afloat. Through our investigations, we have discovered serious breaches of ethics that call into question Santa's business sense and overall morality. The stories you will read over the next few days will shock you, and young children are advised not to listen, but they are essential to our understanding of the level of corruption and fraud in the North Pole.

SANTA'S ELVES HIT UNEMPLOYMENT LINE

Santa's Elves are frequently depicted as happy go lucky laborers intent on merrily making toys for all the good girls and boys. At one time that was the case: all of the toys that Santa delivered on Christmas Eve were made in Santa's Workshop, but then the good boys and girls no longer wanted handmade toys, leaving the elves to twiddle their thumbs and forcing Santa to lay them off due to their decreased productivity and drain on the financial resources of Santa Claus.

"Kids these days want Barbies or PlayStation games, they don't want handmade toy soldiers or dolls. Spoiled fucking brats!" said one elf who wished to remain unidentified. "We just don't have the capacity or the skill to produce those kinds of products. The technology has just left us behind."

Others see the lost luster in North Pole toy making as an outgrowth of poor brand management. "There is a whole cult of personality built around Santa Claus that hasn't been used to promote the toy making skills of the elves," said advertising expert Seth Klum. "Santa has maintained his own image while letting toy manufacturers and advertisers dictate what the kids want."

After the first round of layoffs, Elf Town quickly became a violent slum filled with rampant alcohol and drug abuse. Believe me, when this reporter tells you that you don't want drunken elf throwing up on your snow boots. Crime rates have risen yearly, making Elf Town a tough place for even a six foot two inch reporter to tread.

Community leaders have been trying hard to rekindle the glory of Elf Town, but it won't be easy. There is hope on the horizon for Elf Town, though. In a twist of irony, the technology that put Elf Town in its current condition may provide the means to help the elves turn it around. Several computer and software manufacturers have begun outsourcing customer service lines to the North Pole. Many elves have taken these jobs in order to prevent themselves from going broke.

"Sure some elves can still work for Santa, but that's only on a contractual basis from November 15 through December 24 processing Christmas requests and setting up shipments from manufacturers," said an Elf named Doug. "At least working phone support provides some security. Particularly on Christmas when those who have just received a new computer are just thrilled that Santa's Elves actually answer their question. We're just happy to let them believe we made it. It's a pride thing and Elf Town has little to be proud of these days."

Tomorrow: Naughty or nice?

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Peterson faced with trying to make lemons out of lemonade

Scott Peterson has petitioned the state of California to allow him to be the first Death Row inmate to star in a major motion picture. The proposed project will be a documentary "whodunit?" that will feature Peterson's quest to find the real killer and end with the execution of said killer. Peterson is looking to earn 100% of the profits unless he should die before the movie is released.

Meanwhile, Peterson's death sentence has reopened the debate between those who want to kill everyone in jail so that we can start with a clean slate and those looking to give murderers tea breaks and soft down comforters.

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Kerik's nanny part of terrorist organization

Satire

Today it was revealed that not only did former Department of Homeland Security nominee, Bernard Kerik, employ an illegal alien as a nanny, but the nanny in question is also a member of the Nanny Death Squad (NDS). The NDS is well-known a terrorist organization looking to infiltrate the homes of the bourgeoisie in order to control the minds of the children living there.

According to Ralph Smacman, a counterterrorism expert working to eliminate the NDS, Kerik's nanny would have taught children about "the so-called evils of America" from the time the child could first utter "mama" or "dada." Frequently, children as young as one or two are taught to say words like "infidel."

"It's not like the name seems to imply," said Smacman, "With a name like Nanny Death Squad, you would think it would be like a bunch of nannies like that British one from a few years ago, Louise Whatshername. What Kerik's nanny was up to is so much worse and could have a long-term affect on our ability to appreciate freedom. We'll have to monitor these children that were under control of an NDS nanny for a very long time; the may end up burning flags or saying they don't believe in Uncle Sam."

Upon hearing the new news about Kerik's nanny, former New York City mayor, Rudolph Giuliani, injured his rotator cuff while performing a rigorous self-flagellation. It is believed that the self-flagellation will reduce any penance the Bush administration hands down to Giuliani for recommending Kerik to the Homeland Security post.

Smacman recommends choosing a nanny carefully, as there are many applicants who are a member of the NDS.

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Rumsfeld: Santa denied Christmas wish for more troops

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld met with troops yesterday in a morale building exercise. Soldiers grew testy about the number of troops present in Iraq and about the state of the equipment they have been using. Rumsfeld said he asked Santa Claus for more troops last Christmas, and that he learned a valuable lesson when Santa didn’t deliver: "You go to war wit the troops you have, not with the troops you wish you had." Rumsfeld then told the troops that he will accept the troops he has this Christmas as they should accept the equipment they have at this special time of year.

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Dick Clark has stroke

The fate of "New Year's Rockin' Eve" hangs in the balance for millions of people with no social life.

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Today's news

President Bush met with cheering groups of Marines yesterday. To paraphrase the president, the morale boosting message delivered to the Marines was, "You are shit out of luck," as many are seeing their tours of duty extended due to a lack of reinforcements. If the president

Voting 336-75 the House yesterday approved a bill that would overhaul the nation's intelligence based on recommendations of the 9/11 commission. Among the changes will be the appointment of a director of national intelligence. It is not known whether that new director will attempt to devise his or her own color scheme, or will work with the Department of Homeland Security to assess current threat levels. The 75 Congressional Representatives voting against the bill wanted to include a provision allowing for the torture and abuse of illegal aliens under the rubric of "information gathering." Said one Congressman: "immigration is to terrorism as gay marriage is to bestiality, a gateway drug."

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Scarecrow found dead, authorities seek suspect for questioning

Authorities are investigating an apparent homicide this evening. This scarecrow, named Scarecrow, was found face down with its brain removed.



Family members of the scarecrow tell Verbal Jazz that Scarecrow had recently become romantically involved with a woman named Dorothy. "They were doing all kinds of crazy shit together," said the scarecrow's brother, Mike. "I think they were into drugs, talking about munchkins and witches and flying monkeys and shit like that."

Over the course of his involvement with Dorothy, the scarecrow apparently developed quite a shoe fetish. "He was always telling her to click those heels together on those ruby red slippers. I think he got off on it," said Mike.

Other family members noted that the scarecrow recently took to reading and became quite the intellectual. "It looks like someone had it in for my boy," said the scarecrow's father. "I just hope they find Dorothy, I know she has the answers."

The family also hopes out how Scarecrow got brains to begin with and why his leg always smelled like dog pee.


Wanted for questioning concerning the murder of Scarecrow.

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Latest on Boston's Big Dig: Leaks an essential part of traffic mitigation plan

The most expensive highway project in the nation, Boston's "Big Dig," is leaking. Amid all the questions and finger pointing, Verbal Jazz predicts that it will be revealed that the leaks are an essential part of the traffic mitigation plans. In summation, a leaky tunnel (think roof drips in a rain storm) will frighten travelers away thus increasing travel time and thus making the project seem even more worthwhile.

For continued insight like this, please consider a sizable donation to this website.

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Verbal Jazz admits to BalCo doping

Note: due to the sensitive nature of this topic, this story was written by reporter Denise Khuma

Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Marion Jones - now you can add Verbal Jazz to the list of those who allegedly took performance enhancing steroids. The San Francisco Chronicle reports that web logger or "blogger" Chris Vallancourt, a.k.a. "Verbal Jazz," admitted to a grand jury that he applied the BalCo products known as "the clear" and "the cream" to his ass in order to develop a cleaner smell in association with his flatulence.

According to his testimony, Verbal Jazz was desperate for any means to make his flatulence stink less. Verbal Jazz claims to have ended the treatment and his relationship with BalCo once he realized that the steroid treatments were doing nothing to decrease the odor of his flatulence.

While taking the substances several Verbal Jazz colleagues noted that his ass grew significantly. "It was like he couldn't fit his ass in his pants any more, you know what I'm saying?" said former colleague Elizabeth Miles. "I mean, it just grew so huge that it didn't fit with the rest of his body!"

"This certainly raises some questions as to the legitimacy of the Verbal Jazz website," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "It also sheds new light on his constant attacks on beloved baseball commentator Tim McCarver and begs the question of whether that entry on August 21 really funny, or was the result of the steroids." Major League Baseball is not in a position to suspend Verbal Jazz or put the website on hold, a situation that Selig privately laments.

Verbal Jazz declined to comment about his own use of performance enhancing drugs, but did report that Baseball commentator Tim McCarver is also being investigated for using performance enhancing drugs prepared by BalCo to stroke his own ego and develop the stamina needed to be a braying ass for three straight hours. We'll keep you updated on this story as it develops.

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Bush prepares to ship butterfly ballots to Iraq

Satire

With Iraq preparing for its first major election since the US invasion, the Bush administration announced that it plans to deliver "butterfly" ballot voting machines. "These voting machines should help the Iraqi people better facilitate a Democratic Election," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

"With Saddam the Iraqis had it easy," said Congresswoman Katherine Harris (R-FL), who has been tapped by the White House to oversee the election. "Vote counters knew that Saddam would win, so they didn't even bother to count. In just a few short months, the Iraqis will be thanking the good people of Florida for bringing them democracy."

The administration plans to introduce the concept of the Electoral College in time for the Iraqis to get used to the system. Fallujah is expected to account for very few Electoral Votes.

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Tom Ridge wants to explore options

Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid (a.k.a. Homeland Security), announced his resignation yesterday citing his boredom with toggling between only yellow and orange security levels.

"Just once I would like to kick that puppy on up to red, I mean just for kicks, bit because there is an imminent threat," said Secretary Ridge. "Okay, I would settle for kicking that puppy down to blue or green. I just want to explore the options on that color chart."

Asked what he would miss most about the post that he created Ridge sited the ability to frighten Americans with vague references to terrorist threats. "Fucking with people like that is real power," said Ridge.

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