Just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard

Verbal Jazz saw this quote today: "Being pushed to the wall...Gives you the momentum you need to get over it."

More likely, being pushed to the wall gives you the momentum you need to be crushed between what is pushing you and the wall, unless you are in to rock climbing and brought the appropriate gear with you.

Another possibility is that you will run smack into the wall where your inertia will force you to lose balance and tumble to the ground.

And what if that wall had a ceiling? You might also try the door or simply call 9-1-1 if you are being pushed against said wall.

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Could someone get these hills a bra?

Should small children be seeing naked hills like this? Whatever happened to our new moral outrage?

Photo of the Bubbles at Acadia National Park taken this past October.

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Supreme Court to decide on carcinogenic behavior and paranoia

The Supreme Court heard arguments today over the medical uses of marijuana. Should the Court decide in favor of those who would use marijuana medicinally, it is expected that carcinogenic activity like smoking and sunbathing will rise. Apparently the Bush Administration was all for medical marijuana when it was discovered that increased paranoia is a side effect of smoking pot. An Amicus brief from the White House is expected extolling the virtues of paranoia in a post 9/11 society.

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New name for Ukraine

In the Ukraine, there are some legitimacy questions concerning the recent election, in particular the results of the ballot question asking voters if they would like to rename their country "Florida 2000."

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Verbal Jazz reaches out during the Holidays

Verbal Jazz hopes that you all had a nice Thanksgiving. If your Holiday did happen to suck, Verbal Jazz promises to hunt down those evildoers who ruined it for you and make sure they ruin no more of your holidays. Also, if you suspect that someone, say a family member or mentally unstable acquaintance, plans to ruin any upcoming holidays, Verbal Jazz promises to launch a pre-emptive strike in order to ensure that your Holidays are pain free. That's service, that's what Verbal Jazz is all about. For those planning on ruining an upcoming holiday, Verbal Jazz knows who you are...

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Dan Rather to take post at Weekly World News

After 24 years as anchor of CBS Evening News Dan Rather announced he would retire to take a post as co-editor of Weekly World News in order to "focus on more accurate and thoughtful journalism."

In his new position, Rather hopes to bring to light conclusive evidence linking the president with Bat Boy, a story that Mr. Rather claims CBS would not touch after his tenure at CBS was rocked by a scandal in which forged documents were used to question president Bush's guard service.

"I have photos that prove the president and Bat Boy both failed to complete their duty in the Alabama Air National Guard," said Rather.

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ABC abandons plans to pair naked stars with football players in MNF openings

Satire

ABC chose not to air the original introduction planned for last night's telecast of Monday Night Football featuring a contest between the New England Patriots and Kansas City Chiefs. The original introduction called for a naked Jim Belushi to jump into the arms of a uniformed Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady. "We had planned to go with a theme of naked ABC stars jumping into the arms of clothed football players in order to cross pollinate our programming, but that obviously didn't fly after the whole Nicollette Sheridan/Terrell Owens thing." said ABC sports program director, John Harris. Next week it would have been a naked Damon Wayans jumping into the arms of Packers quarterback Brett Favre who, in a cross promotion with his own Mastercard commercial, would have suggested a different way of jumping ("I would have jumped more to the left.").

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Stunning admission: woman would refuse to marry into own family

After attending her brother's wedding on Saturday night, Brianna Murphy, 25, came to the painful conclusion that she would never willingly have married into her own family.

Murphy listed the ways in which her family doesn't measure up: "Four god freaks including one who won't use birth control, brother is a crack head, my uncle is a drunk, my sister snorts cocaine, a cousin who is slowly turning into a psychopath at the age of six, another little cousin who won't stop whining, a nosy uncle who thinks my business is his business, a cat freak, a fifty-year-old aunt who acts nineteen, an emotionally unavailable father, and a mysterious martyr complex running throughout. Would you marry into this family?"

Members of Murphy's family vigorously defended themselves. "This is the only family she's got," said the self-described nosy uncle summing up the feelings of the other family members. The drunken uncle merely tried to feel Murphy up. "I married into this family," said the drunken uncle, "Besides, I'm drunk, I don't know what I'm doing." Throughout the evening, the god freaks attempted to get Murphy to accept Jesus Christ as her lord and savior, while the psychopath cousin vigorously kicked her.

Murphy then decided that the only way she would ever get married herself is by hiding her family from her potential groom until the wedding day or by eloping. Murphy also did not rule out lesbianism as a way of keeping her family away from the wedding. "I have options," said Murphy, "and I intend to use them."

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Creepy uncle gives the "If you hurt her" speech

Brian Clark and his girlfriend Deanna Mayhew have been seriously dating for seven months. Recently at Mayhew's parents house, celebrating the birthday of Mayhew's three-year-old nephew, Clark was approached by Mayhew's creepy uncle Jack and given the "If you hurt her" speech.

"I was stunned," said Clark. As Clark tells is, he just getting some leftover birthday cake in the kitchen when Uncle Jack approached him. "He basically said 'if you hurt her, I'll kill you' or something like that. I mean I've heard that from friends of girls I've dated, but this was just weird."

Psychologist Betty Masters describes the pattern thusly: normally the "if you hurt her" speech is delivered by someone who has feelings for the woman in question, or by her brother if they have gone through some shared emotional trauma such as a divorce. When it's delivered by and uncle or a father, that is just plain weird."

Clark and Mayhew have no immediate plans to tell Uncle Jack that they are moving in together for fear that Uncle Jack will check in periodically. Deanna Mayhew declined comment for this story.

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Kerry to donate left over campaign funds to worthy cause

Satire

With $16 Million left over from his presidential race, Senator John Kerry has decided to put that money to good use. Kerry plans to donate the campaign surplus to the Red Sox in hopes that they can use the extra cash to re-sign either catcher Jason Varitek or pitcher Pedro Martinez. In a Kerry campaign press release the former presidential candidate expressed the hope that the $16 million would serve the greater good.

The money would ideally help the Red Sox sweeten any deal they would make to either player. "This kind of a gift allows us to stay within our operational budget while providing much needed relief in helping us keep the core of this World Series championship team together," said Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein.

Normally a candidate will donate unused funds back to the party. This has the Democratic National Committee rather upset, but they will not express that publicly. Speaking off the record, one DNC employee said, "This is really a way of paying back the city of Boston for the inconvenience of the convention. But really, we should keep the money."

Other Major League Baseball teams may soon get into the act of charitable giving, as small market clubs like the Milwaukee Brewers and Kansas City Royals will begin collecting donations at local retailers throughout the holiday season.

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Ouch! That had to hurt!

No birds were killed in the taking of this photo, but one was seriously embarassed.

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College students learn to deal with Bush reelection

Recent college graduates Andrew McMeel and Sarah Devers are not happy about the recent reelection of George W. Bush. Instead of moping through the next four years and pinning their hopes on, say, Hillary Rodham Clinton or John Edwards, McMeel and Devers have developed a coping plan.

"Sarah and I knew that the next four years would be utter hell," said McMeel, "So we decided that we're just going to get completely fucked up."

"We're hoping that if we drink enough and smoke enough pot that we won't be able to remember these next four years," said Devers. "I mean, in a drunken stupor is it really going to matter if the US revokes the statehood of Massachusetts because they let gays marry?"

Both McMeel and Devers insist that their plan won't lead to alcoholism or more addictive drugs. "It's only four years," said Devers.

McMeel concurred, "Yeah, we'll can quit anytime that Bush is impeached."

Devers began to giggle uncontrollably while McMeel reached for the potato chips.

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Democrats mark one-year anniversary of being screwed by Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court

Festivities to include blaming Massachusetts' Chief Justice Margaret Marshall and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, a workshop on distancing yourself politically from the decision, and a renewed commitment to reactionary religious belief.

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New CIA application to feature proverbial "jumping off a bridge" question

At the directive of CIA Director Porter Goss, new recruits to the CIA will be subjected to answering a series of questions about their loyalty to the President. Among those questions being asked on the application are:

If the President asked you and your friends to jump off of a bridge why should you, even if your friends refused?

A family member has acted in a manner that may get his or her ass kicked. You're asked to provide information that your family member acted correctly even though all evidence points to the opposite. Why is it more ethical to support your family than discover the truth?

Did you vote for our hero in the Oval Office, or that traitor to god and country from, now try not to gag, Massachusetts?

The White House has identified three potential threats to national security. Two of them have substantial evidence to back them up, but we really want to go after the third one. How would you take scant evidence to make a compelling case for war?

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Liberals hesitant to insinuate Condoleeza Rice slept her way to the top

The nomination of first African-American woman Secretary of State a double edged sword, say area liberals also trying to swallow the nomination of White House Counsel Alberto Gonzalez to the post of Attorney General. Classes and workshops on "Us-and-them"-ing to begin in January.

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Surprise! Classic Rock radio station plans "Beatles Weekend"

Also on tap are a daring "Stones Weekend" and a "Zeppelin Weekend." Station also plans to introduce a little known song called "Brown Eyed Girl" by some guy named Van Morrison, and then play the song every hour.

Daring programming like this rarely comes along. Hurry to your radio right now.

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Supreme Court decision raises questions

Today the Supreme Court, by a 7-2 margin, overturned a Texas death sentence because the jury was not allowed to consider the defendant's low IQ as a mitigating factor. This raises the question: if you can't put the mentally retarded to death, then who can you put to death? I mean, scapegoating the mentally deficient has a long, rich history, who is the court to take it from us?

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Colin Powell to promote Christmas album

The Secretary of State is expected to resign today. John Ashcroft guests on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."

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Scott Peterson suddenly wishes he were a celebrity before the murder of his wife

Peterson found guilty. Court-TV viewers stunned.

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Bush and Blair now hoping to fuck up more of the Middle East

Both remain hopeful on Palestine.

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With a name like Arafat...how did he get so thin?

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Fallujah riots continue as US military celebrates Bush victory

"Still, not as scary as it was in Boston after the Sox beat the Yankees," said one observer.

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Torquemada to take over Justice Department

Just one week after the Presidential Election, Attorney General John Ashcroft has decided to step down. President Bush immediately tapped Spanish Inquisition Bishop Tomas de Tourquemada to replace Ashcroft.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan discussed the relative merits of Torquemada. "History indicates that [Torquemada] retains his focus on the task at hand. The President has no doubts that he will prosecute the War on Terror to the fullest extent of the law."

The ACLU, however, is less than pleased. "They've taken the worst Attorney General in US history and have nominated a complete draconian sadist to take his place," said Michael Polny of the ACLU. "Now that we have the Spanish Inquisition, we may as well start a Crusade in the Middle East."

In addition to a relentless prosecution of the War on Terror, there may be another reason to promote Torquemada to the position of Attorney General. "Once we have Torquemada in place, expect those liberals at the ACLU to wish they had John Ashcroft back in office," said Senate Majority leader Bill Frist (R-TN).

The move is also exoected to appeal to Catholics, who have been showing greater support for the Republican Party. Republicans are also hoping that Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA) implodes during the confirmation hearings as he tries to balance his own Catholicism with his likely opposition to Torquemada as a nominee.

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Photos from the John Kerry Concession Rally

I realize these are late, but my home computer is broken


Now, how would moving polls from a private voting boot to the street enhance Democracy?


What will it take? This young woman asks. A better candidate? A smarter electorate? More actual electoral votes for Kerry?


Why would this Yankee fan be bragging about his tee time with Derek Jeter? Oh, wait, I get it, when you cross a Sox fan with a Republican this is what you get...


If this is her saddest day ever, both parents must still be alive and not divorced.


Obviously not a math major: Ohio '04= Florida '00 just does not compute



Yes, I caught a glimpse of John Kerry, there in the lower right. No, that really is his head...

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Gays take over scapegoat duties from Nader

Satire

This election season even the mathematically challenged could hardly fail to notice that Ralph Nader's 400,000 would not have given John Kerry a victory on November 2. Fortunately, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial court and San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome were able to offer up homosexuals as this year's Democratic electoral scapegoat.

"If it weren't for gay marriage ballot referendums then evangelicals would have just stayed home and beat their wives," said Democratic policy analyst Hutch Mickenson. "Instead the gay marriage issue brought them out in droves."

In the months leading up to the election, Democrats did attempt to distance themselves from the gay marriage issue by refusing to allow Cher, in particular the song "Believe" to be played at campaign rallies. "We hoped that refusing to allow songs by such artists as Cher, the Village People, or Judy Garland would send a message that we don't agree with gay marriage," said DNC chair Terry McAuliffe. "I guess it's up to our Democratic legislators to help the president get a Constitutional Ban on Gay Marriage passed."

"This is such an honor to once again be a scapegoat," said Mira Mulhern who married her partner, Beth Dalton at a private ceremony in June. "It's good to see that we can help Democrats and Republicans unite against the same cause."

Ralph Nader is hoping that a recount will show that his campaign, not the gay marriage backlash, is the reason the Democrats imploded at the polls once again.

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President Bush thanks electronic voting machines

President Bush issued a personal "Thank You" to electronic voting machines in Ohio and Florida today. Speaking in binary code, President Bush thanked those machines without a paper trail, for bringing democracy into the 21st century and for supporting the president's agenda.

"100110100011000 01100100011010 1101011100111111001010 11010101 10001," said the president.

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"Will & Grace" triggers gay marriage backlash

On Tuesday voters in eleven states elected to ban gay marriage. Their main reason for doing so may shock you: the rapid decline in quality of TV sitcom "Will & Grace." "Five years ago, I thought gay people were funny," said Penelope Pope of Branson, MO. "Now I just think they live to tell really bad gay jokes."

Pope is not the only voter who feels this way. Exit polls conducted in those eleven states show that the "Will & Grace" factor trumps all other reasons, including the "sinfulness of the homosexual lifestyle," and the "recognition of marriage as one man and one woman," and "because my pastor told me to."

"'Will & Grace' is just so bad that anyone watching it is going to have a negative view of the gay lifestyle," said sociologist J. Robert Garvin. "Voters who associate the bad dialogue and ridiculous plots and don't know any homosexuals are going to have a tough time thinking it is okay for a Will Truman or Jack McFarland to marry another man."

Some see an even bigger plot in the poor quality of "Will & Grace." "I think you can see the big picture here," said conspiracy theorist Curtis Lester. "'Will & Grace' causes a gay backlash, which, in turn, leads voters to reject gay marriage, which, in turn, leads voters to reject John Kerry because he is from Massachusetts, the very state that made gay marriage a campaign issue. The whole thing is a plot by NBC, owned by GE, to ensure that Kerry would not be president."

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Bush plans to unite America

As part of his vision to unite America during his second term, President Bush plans to introduce legislation that would turn the loyalty oath that Bush supporters signed at campaign rallies into a requirement for citizenship. "It is clear that the will of the people is with the president of the United States," said Bush, "this legislation would unite that will under one unified front."

Those who refuse to sign a loyalty oath to Bush will be revoked of their citizenship and lose the right to vote in the next Presidential election.

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Sympathy vote strategy backfires

Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate, John Edwards, was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after Presidential candidate John Kerry conceded defeat. Democratic strategists were hoping to announce Mrs. Edwards cancer before Americans headed to the polls on Tuesday. "Barring a Monday or Tuesday release of the information we were hoping to influence recounts in any hotly contested states," said Mark Twitler, Communication Strategist for the Ohio Democratic Committee. "It appears as though we fell well short of that goal, as well."

Seriously, Verbal Jazz wishes Mrs. Edwards well in her recovery.

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Democrats glad that Bush will be forced to "clean up his own mess" in Iraq

Satire

Democratic National Committee chair, Terry McAuliffe declared John Kerry's election loss a victory for Democrats. "The American people have spoken loud and clear," said McAuliffe, "they want the president to clean up his own mess in Iraq." McAuliffe went on to state that the electoral loss was in fact a victory for Democrats as the American people have "held the President accountable for his own actions."

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Bush began "Who's your dad-dy?" chant when Kerry called to concede

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Second term action items: Supreme Court

Fund stem cell research to ensure Rehnquist can return to the bench.

Clone justices Scalia and Thomas as other justices retire or die.

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Curse of the home computer

The computer of Verbal Jazz (actually, it was the Missus Jazz's before the merging of assets known as our wedding) has been on the fritz this week. I had been planning on running more election comments, and have pictures from yesterday's Kerry concession rally. I'll try to have pics up tomorrow.

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Kerry takes a knee; Bush does an end zone dance

Football analogies end here.

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Tin soldiers and Bush is staying

Yes folks, election night is over and Ohio is still the big electoral prize that has yet to be handed out. With a 136,000 vote lead in the Buckeye State, we can expect four more years of Bush. In fact, Verbal Jazz did the math and Kerry would have to win 78% of the 250,000 outstanding provisional ballots in order to win.

But if the recent history of the Boston Red Sox teaches us anything, it's that nothing is over until the lady with the recently stapled stomach warbles her aria.

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Early election snafus

Satire

Early this morning an Ohio appeals court voted 2-1 to allow armed GOP election monitors into polling stations in Cleveland and Cincinnati. The weapons were allowed for the "personal safety" of the election monitors and should "in no way contribute to voter coercion."

In Florida, Secretary of State Glenda Hood has declared that Kerry voters are most likely felons. Hood has instructed county election officials to be wary of Kerry voters, as many of these voters are "convicted felons in the eyes of the law." Kerry voters in Florida, particularly those in African-American can expect to be arrested.

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Bin Laden mails absentee ballot

Satire

Following up his latest taped message, Osama Bin Laden finally mailed in his absentee ballot to Florida in order to ensure that his "voice was finally heard." Election officials in Miami-Dade County, noting that Osama Bin Laden's name did not appear on a list of felons convicted in the United States, have allowed Bin Laden's ballot. Pundits have already begun to speculate where Bin Laden might cast his vote. In the most recent poll of Al-Qaeda, members were split 50-50 between Bush and Kerry. Despite the statistical dead heat, President Bush declared Bin Laden's vote a "great day for democracy and freedom."

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