Red Sox fans begin to understand their compact with the Devil

After having his ankle sutured together for a third time, Curt Schilling will introduce George W. Bush at a campaign rally in New Hampshire today.

Correction 11/1/04: Schilling did not attend the rally, but lent his voice to an automated telephone campaign. Sox owners, John Henry and Tom Werner, and GM Theo Epstein attended an event for Kerry. At least Sox management and Schilling are on the same side of the Sox/Yankees debate.

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BOSTON RED SOX -- WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS!!!!

All 1918 signs and chants are now officially null and void.

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Rehnquist illness to even Supreme Court pickup basketball league

Because Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist was recently diagnosed with thyroid cancer the Supreme Court Justices' pickup basketball league can now be evenly divided 4-4. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a clerk for Justice David Souter noted that "Sandy" (Justice Sandra Day O'Connor) no longer needs to be switched from team to team while the Chief Justice recovers. "They're pretty evenly matched on the court now," notes the anonymous clerk.

League games take place between oral arguments and teams are divided Robes v. Non-Robes. Tickets are not sold as there is no expressed desire to see a disrobed Justice Antonin Scalia playing basketball.

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Lawn Toilets - the latest suburban fad

Tired of the same old shit? Well, so was Lydia Hanson. Lydia decided she had enough of the odor left in her bathroom after her husband paid a visit. Lydia had the same problem that most of you had: taking a shower or a bath. "The smell was atrocious," says Lydia. "I would feel so dirty just using the shower."

Lydia then had a brainstorm. "I get this call from this lady asking me to put in a toilet," said plumber Joe McBride. "I'm thinking, 'You're nuts, lady, but whatever you want.'"


Lydia's brainstorm turned into reality

At first the neighbors refused to look into Lydia's yard, but then Lydia began to notice that plumbers we installing toilets in at several of her neighbors' houses. It's not just Lydia's neighborhood, the lawn toilet trend has truly captured the American imagination.

After she noticed that her neighbors were installing lawn toilets, Lydia Hanson and Joe McBride decided to start Lawn Toilets, Inc. Lawn Toilets will design and install a toilet directly on your lawn. Lawn Toilets operates in fourteen states and is looking into offering outhouse design and construction along with the Lawn Toilet itself. "Our goal is to make the Lawn Toilet a symbol of good suburban living, like the Support Our Troops ribbon magnets or the different flags marking each holiday," says Lydia.

Designer Cindy Sherman sees the lawn toilet as "a new kind of freedom for the home." Writing in Kitchen & Bath magazine Sherman notes that the lawn is still usable as a lawn and that the toilet can actually be used to fertilize most lawns. "It really serves a double purpose," says Sherman, "Plus you get rid of that odor in the house. A win-win situation if you ask me." Then Sherman pulled down her pants and asked that I give her some privacy.

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Keep America strong - flu shots for the needy only

Guest Editorial: Horace T. Winwax, III

Recently I tried to obtain my yearly flue-shot, but was turned away because I am too young and in too good health to require a flue-shot. I asked the medicos as to why I would not be allowed a flue-shot, and they informed me that it is due to a short supply.

Normally I am very kind to old people, and would give them half of a bagel, or my left over coffee if they asked, but saving flue-shots for them seems perfectly unreasonable. After all who benefits when the old or the sick don't get any sicker? Not me! And not the USA. Imagine all the hours of lost productivity if I, and others like me have to lay in bed with the flue because we were not allowed to get a flue-shot.

Saving flue-shots for the sick and the elderly is the worst kind of favoritism imaginable, I mean, why not enroll them in special college courses so they can get a masters in senility? I propose that we save these flue-shots for the young and healthy so that American productivity remains at a high level throughout the winter time and contributes to our economic success.

Horace T. Winwax is the author of several non-fiction books that have never been published. He would claim to be a Senator in order to get a flu shot. Currently he is working on learning the difference between flue and flu.

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Red Sox success tied to Bush Administration

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney told a group of supporters this morning that the policies of George W. Bush have led directly to the Boston Red Sox current postseason success. "Liberal fans of the Boston Red Sox can thank George W. Bush for helping this team go up two games to none in the World Series. Under a liberal Democratic administration you can be sure that there would be no seats on top of the Green Monster and once again we would be watching the Yankees in the series."

Romney then challenged members of "Red Sox Nation" to vote with courage and conviction for President Bush should the Red Sox go on to win the World Series. "Just as the Red Sox are selected by god to be American League Champions, George W. Bush was selected by god to be your president."

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Fox Sports to run World Series disclaimer

During the World Series telecast Fox Sports is scheduled to run the following disclaimer: "Announcer Joe Buck is the son of legendary ardinal broadcaster Jack Buck. Tim McCarver was a member of the 1967 Cardinal team that beat the Red Sox in the World Series. The views of these broadcasters, like those of Fox News, are naturally Fair and Balanced."

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Society of Elliptical Reasoning welcomes Tim McCarver

The Verbal Jazz Society for Elliptical Reasoning is proud to extend its membership to Fox Sports baseball analyst Tim McCarver.

McCarver is frequently guilty of excessive loquaciousness, but it is the events of the American League Championship Series that have earned McCarver the privilege of being a member of the Society for Elliptical Reasoning. Throughout the Series McCarver frequently excoriated Boston Red Sox fans and media for second guessing Red Sox manager Terry Francona on a few occasions. McCarver even went so far as to emphatically state that Boston fans and media are "wrong!" However, in Game 7 of the ALCS, McCarver spent the entire 7th inning second guessing Francona for bringing in starting pitcher Pedro Martinez. While this was indeed a questionable move, one who second guesses baseball decisions for a living should not call an entire city "wrong!" for doing so.

Welcome to the Society for Elliptical Reasoning, Tim!

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Yankees to receive special trophy

In the wake of the greatest choke in sports history, the management and players of the New York Yankees will have their asses handed to them in a special private ceremony held by Yankee owner George Steinbrenner. The asses are sure to look nice in a trophy case and are custom designed to produce that pure ass odor. Congratulations, Yankees!

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The real reasons the Red Sox beat the Yankees in the ALCS

The real reason that the Red Sox won game 7 of the ALCS, or even managed to come from behind down three games to none in the Series has nothing to do with actual baseball things like hitting, pitching and fielding, but everything to do with the routines of everyday normal fans. Most fans do things like put on rally caps or make homemade signs, but the true key to victory were these unusual breaks in routine among Yankees and Sox fans:

Brian Shaw refused to urinate once during the last four games of the ALCS. In the eighth inning of Game 7, he thought of breaking his streak until Pedro Martinez gave up two runs.

Will Banion watched each of the last four games on his knees in prayer from the first pitch to the final out. When asked if he wanted a kneeler or some kind of cushion for his knees, Banion adamantly refused.

Barry Wilson wore a Tampa Bay Devil Rays hat in order to divert his chronic bad luck from the Red Sox.

Jill McDermott and her boyfriend Al Jilson refused to have sexual intercourse during the entire series so that they might focus their energy on rooting for the Red Sox.

Yankee fan Scott Shepherd took a different route to work on Wednesday morning.

Sox fan Kerry Harper renamed all of her stuffed animals after players on the Boston Red Sox.

Yankee fan Jenna Fortin bought a Times instead of the Post on Sunday.

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Early voter disenfranchisement begins

30 states, including Florida began early voting yesterday. Early voting provides a wonderful means of voter disenfranchisement, particularly for African Americans who share names similar to those of convicted felons, have two weeks longer to realize that their vote won't count:

"Well, Mr. Jones, it says here that you were convicted of rape and murder in 1996, you can't vote."

"I've never raped or murdered anyone!"

"You are William T. Jones, are you not?"

"No, I am William J. Jones."

"Close enough, no ballot for you."

Thankfully, we can count on Florida to provide the kind of exciting finish to this election that they provided in 2000, especially now that some districts have electronic voting...and no paper trail.

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Obsessed with time? Welcome to hell!

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Verbal Jazz will now commence to piss off Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter whom he loves very much and openly supports. There, that should piss off Dick Cheney.

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Street Team stresses importance of voting this election season

Oops, sorry, that's the importance of video gaming this election season. That headline, again, should read: "Street Team stresses importance of video gaming this election season." Now break out that Game Boy as the Founding Fathers intended.

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Undecided voters just looking for attention

Satire

A group of undecided voters convened for the third and final debate, admitted that they are not so much undecided as much as they like the attention.

"By remaining undecided I get the chance to be on TV," said Paul Miller, who then went on to score the debate as a tie in order to retain his enigmatic air and boost his chances of making more TV appearances. "You know, I've tried getting on reality shows and game shows, and I even go to baseball games with my cell phone handy just in case."

A few of the other undecided voters agreed that the media attention could be a career boost, while others were looking for a more personal connection. "I don't want some anonymous voice from a phone bank," said Sarah Bridges, "I want a call directly from the candidate and a personal promise to me. Maybe a White House tour and a stay-over in the Lincoln Bedroom."

Overall these voters recognize their importance and do not take their responsibility lightly, after all, they could be the deciding factor in this year's election.

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Congress seeks to declare president "Infallible"

Satire

Hours before the third and final Presidential Debate, Congressional Republicans are seeking to generate support for a bill that would declare the infallibility of the President. The bill (H. 10547) aims to prevent questions similar to one that President Bush fielded in last week's town hall style debate in which he was asked him to name three mistakes he has made while in office. The bill would also make it harder for challengers to the Oval Office to question "decisions made under the most stressful of conditions."

"It is clear that the American people need to recognize the infallibility of the office of the President," said bill co-sponsor Henry Brown (R-S.C.). "Our hope is that in future elections, the sacred office of the president, the man chosen by god, mind you, will not be subject to the kind of lies and deceptions

An emergency vote on this bill is scheduled for this afternoon.

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How to tell your baseball team needs help...

Your closer barely pulls down $15K...

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And a porous defense would let Satan convert on first and ten

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Undecided voter can't decide between Red Sox and Yankees

Lifelong baseball fan and undecided voter David Candiotti of Las Cruces, NM is having a hard time deciding who he wants to win the American League Championship Series. "On the one hand, you have the Yankees and their tradition," said Candiotti. On the other hand you have the Red Sox, a team that has a lot of character and some great decision."

Before the series is played, Candiotti wishes they had engaged in a series of debates. "It would have made a difference to hear Mariano Rivera and Keith Foulke discuss the save rule."

Candiotti still plans to watch game one this evening and will base his November 2 vote on which of the convention hosts wins the ALCS.

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Goodbye, Superman

The Bush camp was relieved to learn that Christopher Reeve, an outspoken proponent of stem cell research, will no longer be speaking on the subject.

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Friday night debate?

Who decided that debate #2 would be on a Friday night? The only people who are going to watch are those who think channel surfing is a night. College students could conceivable turn it into a drinking game, drinking every time a candidate says "9/11" or any variation thereof. Verbal Jazz will hopefully be in transit at during the debate and will thus miss that, as well as the hopeful clincher of the ALDS against the Anaheim Angels (Headline to read: "Rally Monkey: Spanked!"). A Friday night debate may have the opposite effect of what the Bushies had hoped: that their man would win foreign policy and no one would watch on a Friday night giving him a 2-0 lead. Now that it is widely accepted that Bush lost debate #1, their man is facing an 0-2 deficit that somehow will be couched as a victory ("I may not use fancy words or sound reasonably intelligent, but I stand with conviction.").

For added excitement, try watching the debate from sports bar by asking the bartender to switch from the Twins/Yankees game. You can score the contestants based on facial expressions alone. If George W. Bush is bobbing his head, you know he is lying or trying to convince himself of some great untruth. Also look to see if John KErry actually draws a breath.

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George Bush: Dream Crusher

Thanks to a 918-page report by Charles Duelfer, we now know that Saddam Hussein didn't have any weapons of mass destruction, just dreams. Big dreams. Like those dreams you had of being a big star and or punching out the toughest kid in school. George W. Bush crushed those dreams and eradicated the hopeful gleam in Saddam's eye that he might get weapons again.

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Two new meaningless polls

Pollsters, just looking for something to do while waiting to take a poll after the Cheney/Edwards debate, have conducted a few relatively meaningless polls recently. Here is a small sampling. Neither poll is expected to greatly affect with campaign strategy.

Poll of active Al -Qaeda members*: 5% Kerry, 4% Bush, 91% Undecided/Not interested as long as great Satan is taken down. Based on these poll results among active al-Qaeda members, the Bush campaign has begun to reassert its claim that terrorists are clamoring for a John Kerry win on November 2. "It is abundantly clear," said President Bush in front of a crowd honored to be in a "swing state," "that Al-Qaeda would like nothing more than a John Kerry presidency." The Kerry campaign fired back with a thirteen page, single spaced memo in 8-point font that essential said Al-Qaeda clearly does not care.
*Note: retired and/or dead al-Qaeda members were not polled

Poll of suspected Nambla members*: 1% Kerry, 1% Bush, 98% refused to give any poll information for fear it would reveal their identity.
*Only Justin Schultz and Phil Culpizzi of Lincoln, RI responded to pollsters.

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Now playing Dick Cheney: Lionel Barrymore

That's right, Vice-President Cheney came off looking like Barrymore's crotchety "Mr. Potter" in the film "It's a Wonderful Life." I half expected Cheney to offer John Edwards a job making $20,000 a year if he'd just give up that old Building & Loan.

For her part, the Missus Jazz thinks Cheney looked like Statler, one half of the pair of hecklers from "The Muppet Show."

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Bremer calls for draft

Former top US administrator in Iraq, L. Paul Bremer III has been telling audiences that the US does not have enough troops in Iraq. This is sure to raise question over whether we should reinstate the draft in order to win in Iraq. Remember, it's not a real war, unless we start making youngsters that weren't tracking toward a military career grow up and face the death of a comrade, especially the poorer and more useless members of our society. The rich are needed for special purposes back home, such as making more money and creating more rich people who are naturally better than the rest of us. Those who supported the war AND have made contributions to the RNC will automatically excuse their kin from serving in Iraq.

Bremer also said that the US did no provide enough letters for him to have a real first name. While in Iraq, Bremer was hoping that room could be found in the Defense Budget to offer Bremer an "e" and an "s" in order to make his name Les.

Special addendum 10/6/04: Ironically, after the original piece was written, the House voted and soundly defeated a bill that would reinstate the draft. This being an election year, those who voted against reinstating the draft wanted to ensure the "Baby Boomer" voting bloc that their children would not be subject to another Vietnam. Those of you of draft eligible age, expect to be wielding a rifle in the sands of Baghdad sometime next fall, and don't forget your underwear. Just kidding...or am I? Remember, if Bush wins, John Ashcroft will find a way to send those of you heading to Canada, to Guantanamo Bay as enemy combatants.

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The second annual Verbal Jazz MLB Postseason extravaganza

After a long 162 games, postseason baseball starts tomorrow. Like last year, Verbal Jazz will attempt to break down the teams in the hunt by who he wants to win, not by who he thinks will win. The decision of who Verbal Jazz wants to win the World Series is completely arbitrary and frequently decided by such things as uniforms and/or experience with the local cuisine. As for a "prediction," regular readers of Verbal Jazz know that I favor post-nostication: predicting the outcome of an event after said event has taken place. For instance I knew that the Patriots would beat the Bill yesterday 31-17.

Red Sox: I was born forty minutes from Fenway Park and my first Red Sox game ended with a walk-off RBI single by Carl Yastrzemski. Thankfully, Aaron Boone blew his knee out, which will lead to a walk-off home run by Tanyon Sturtze (a Yankee pitcher). Take heart, Sox fans, we begin the playoffs against the Angels, who got the 1986 monkey off their back two years ago. If the Sox let us down this year, I may have to do something drastic.


Dodgers: You've got to admire Frank McCourt, a Boston land developer who wanted to buy the Sox but couldn't so he bought the Dodgers. Okay, you don't have to admire it, but what the hey? I'll always remember Kirk Gibson's homerun in 1988 off Dennis Eckersley, then with the Oakland A's. Those of us that live in the Boston area sometimes see the Eck on the Red Sox pre- and post-game show. Even though he's a Hall of Famer, you can tell he would love to have that pitch back. Plus the Dodgers have that cool interlocking "LA" hat. The only thing I would not like to see is a Dodgers/Yankees re-match.

Cubs: Oh, sorry, I started writing this a few weeks ago. Maybe the Cubs could sign Steve Bartman to play infield for them. I hear he's got great hands. Maybe Moises Alou could help toughen those hands up.

Cardinals: A rematch of the '67 series in which Verbal Jazz was not yet born? The Cardinals don't have Bob Gibson this year. They do, however, have Jeff Suppan who spent a half season with the Sox. Beware of pitchers named Jeff. Three baseball caps though? A red one for home, a blueish one for the road and that silly one they wear that has the bird on it. Birds don't belong on baseball hats unless they are flexing some muscle, or have some inherent ferocity like a falcon, eagle, buzzard, vulture, or crow. Yeah, crow! You hear that Orioles, your hats suck! Just put a B.O. on them! Sorry, we're talking about the cardinals. A silly, red bird. Even sillier on a baseball hat.

Angels: I actually like the Angels. They showed some balls when they basically fired their insubordinate left fielder. However they are playing the Red Sox in the first round. An Angels win would be painful, just not nearly as painful as a Yankees win. Since it is in poor taste to speak ill of the dead, I will not invoke Donnie Moore. Actually the Angels took care of that curse two years ago in the course of cursing us with the Rally Monkey and Thunderstix.

Astros: Okay, they play in Houston. In a stadium named after Orange Juice. They sometimes wear rust colored shirts that look like they came out of a Lands' End catalog. They fired their manager in the middle of the season. They rallied to win the Wild Card in the last game of the year. Andy Petitte was a bust on my fantasy team this year. Roger Clemens. On the other hand, you gotta admire their spunk.

Giants: Oops! Sorry! Again Verbal Jazz began this before the playoffs began. I read somewhere that some stat-geek determined that a team of Barry Bondses would score 23 runs per game. When Barry retires, expect George Steinbrenner to sign Barry's DNA to a 600 year contract at $14 Million, adjusted for inflation every decade. Until then, a team of Barry Bondses would also likely give up thirty runs a game pitching.

Braves: The absolute most boring good team in all of baseball. All they do is win. I think it's because their announcers, including the highly imitable Skip Caray (just speak like you are reading a textbook on macroeconomics aloud), lull the other team to sleep. And what's with their pitching coach, Leo Mazzone, rocking back and forth like that all game? Someone must have convinced him that if he stops, he will die. And the "Tomohawk Chop?" The only thing more annoying is Tim McCarver. Steve Lyons, too. In fact, hell would be listening to Tim McCarver discuss the intricacies and meaning of the "Tomohawk Chop" while Steve Lyons makes up "Tomohawk Chop" theories based on misinformation and misunderstanding. Yes, Steve Lyons is one person who makes President Bush look smart. Tim McCarver on the other hand makes Bush appear tolerable.

A's: Sorry again, I did start writing this a while ago. Now get set for six solid months of debate on the end of the "Moneyball" way of running a baseball team. The Oakland A's: a stat-geek baseball fan's dream team. Too bad they succumbed to a team that actually does more than throw stats out onto the field and hopes they stick.

Twins: My fantasy league has a Twins fan who also happens to have Johan Santana on his team. Plus they play baseball in a glorified air hanger. And this is the state that gave us Walter Mondale in 1984. On the plus side, Minnesota to spring novelist Tim O'Brien who is seen in early author photos wearing a Red Sox cap.

Yankees: Pure evil. Need I say more?

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French judge to be investigated

After his decisive defeat in the first Presidential Debate last Thursday, President Bush's campaign team is calling for an investigation of the French judge as well as the entire debate judging process. Speaking to reporters, Bush advisor Karen Hughes said, "It is clear that there are irregularities in the deciding who wins these debates, irregularities that demand an investigation." Hughes then alluded to rumors that the French judge was paid to give the President a lower score in order to boost John Kerry's standing in the polls. Hughes blamed the media, for "showing the President's reactions [to Kerry in the debate] out of context." When asked to clarify what she meant by out of context, McClellan said that "by posing questions like that it seems the media are hoping the president loses this election."

President Bush also addressed the issue on the campaign trail. "It is clear to me that we were showing steadfast resolve, not bored arrogance," said the President who is on the campaign trail. "There are some out there that think we need a global test to see who won the debate, to them I say, it doesn't matter how the French judge rated my performance."

To correct further inequities in debate postmortem judging, the administration is working with Congressman Tom DeLay (R-TX) to draft legislation that would grant only Fox News the rights to broadcast and show footage of Presidential debates and to ensure that those debates will be moderated by Bill O'Reilly "in order to ensure a fair and balanced debate process."

When asked for his thoughts on this latest controversy, Senator Kerry merely said, "Dans votre visage!"

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Judges scores are in, until they change

Judges scores are in 9.543 for Kerry; 9.245 for Bush, though they are subject to change based on candidate spin.

The first debate between President George Bush (without the "W" what is he?) and challenger John Kerry ("J (there's something missing here) K")was not scintillating television by any stretch of the imagination. The most common metaphor, or simile depending upon the usage of "like" or "as," was that of a boxing match. If what we saw last night was boxing match, then it was one between two candidates, each with a glass jaw, who were prevented from punching by the rules of the debate in which the candidates were not allowed to directly engage each other. That non-engagement certainly seems strange given that the topic was engagement: the "War on Terror," Iraq, military. What we got instead was a figure skating competition: two well rehearsed routines on foreign policy now awaiting the judges' scores before moving on to the next round.

If he were to grip the sides of his face in anguish, John Kerry might look like Edvard Munch's "The Scream" come to life. His face has taken on an even more elongated look of that iconic (and missing) painting. The rigors of campaigning seem to have made the candidate gaunt and thin, as though the fate of the world might soon be on his shoulders.

For his part, the President seemed lost in his own private echo chamber, delivering lines that normally elicit cheers and applause from his non-dissenting audience. This time, however his lines fell flat against the backdrop of silence that audience members at the University of Miami were sworn to uphold, and he breaks in his speech couldn't be dubbed in with canned laughter after the fact.

Over the next day or two, the media spin-doctors will decide who actually "won" the debate. The winner isn't the candidate who performed the best under the lights, but the candidate whose campaign staff makes a better case for victory with the press, who then spin the results to the people who then decide in November based on media interpretations in October. Instead of a Democracy (or Constitutional Republic if you really want to be literal), maybe we should refer to America as "Spinocracy" or a "Mediacraty."

Spinocracy: a political system in which a candidates are elected solely on the ability to turn unfavorable character traits or results into positive traits or results based on misleading or incomplete information provided by the candidate's staff and supporters.

Mediacrity: a political system in which the media decides the outcome of elections, not through an honest assessment of the candidates, but through obsessive polling and improperly weighted stories designed to make good copy.

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