A debate primer for the undecided voter

Congratulations! You are an undecided voter and, if you live in a "battleground" state both of the Presidential candidates are trying to reach out to you. Tonight the candidates will spend most of their time talking about issues that are tangential to the campaign, specifically terrorism and international affairs. Booooring!

The real issue is: who seems more presidential? To that end Verbal Jazz has constructed a series of questions that will help you score tonight's debate.

Did either candidate appear to be visibly sweating? -4 points

Did either candidate flub a response and have to start again? -3 points; +1 point for each point the candidate makes after tripping.

Did you understand the candidate's response to a question? +5 Yes; -10 No

Did you disagree with a candidate's response? Even, the issues aren't all that important.

Did the candidate engage in verbal obfuscation in order to appropriately diminish the appearance of prevarication? -15; "Huh?" +12

Did the candidate excessively bob his head in a futile attempt to convince himself and the American public of his own bullshit? -20

I like his wife better: +35

He seems like the kind of guy I could hang out with: +60

Okay, now tally your scorecard. Take the winning candidate and subtract enough points to put both candidates in a tie. Now, when a pollster calls to ask if you, an undecided voter has made a decision, you can continue to feel the love. On November 2 you now have two choices: stay home because your lack political knowledge is a liability in this election...or flip a coin. You might even flip a coin to make the decision of whether to stay home or vote on November 2. Better make it best 3 out of 5 just to be sure.

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Coffee is a gateway drug for ...caffeine!

Researchers at the Institute for that Which You Already Know have discovered that even as little as one cup of coffee per day can cause an addiction, and with that addiction comes symptoms of withdrawal.

Expect the anti-drug and anti-caffeine lobbies to petition the government to criminalize caffeine. Fortunately the coffee industry can afford lobbyists that will keep caffeine safe and legal and readily available to addicts like Verbal Jazz, that way we can avoid caffeine detox centers, coffee grounds being sold under bridges and head shops that sell French presses.

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Sideshow Bob found!

...On second thought, it might just be the kid who played Mike Myers' brother in "So I Married an Axe Murderer."

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Verbal Jazz Political Spectrum Reference Guide

Unsure of where in the political spectrum you fall? Has this got you down when you think about the upcoming election?

Well, Verbal Jazz has the perfect remedy for you: The Verbal Jazz Political Spectrum Reference Guide! [pdf].

The Verbal Jazz Political Spectrum Reference Guide can help you clear up all of those nagging questions about where you may be politically, such as:

Do you like being a selfish prick without concern for others? Then you may just be a Libertarian!

9/11? Then you are probably a Republican, at least for this election.

It depends? Then you may be an Independent.

Don't really think your guy is electable, but can't break up before the wedding? Hello, Democrat!

Still feeling guilty about Nader/Laduke 2000? You must be with the Green Party.

Take a look at the Verbal Jazz Political Spectrum Reference Guide today, so that you may have at least some clue as to how you should vote on November 2!

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A sad and ill-fated comeback attempt

In a futile attempt to regain past glory, Hurricane Ivan attempted to re-form and ended up in tropical depression. As Ivan once again started to sputter

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Allawi: "Red Sox looking good"

Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi told reporters that he likes the Red Sox' chances to win the World Series this year. In particular the Iraqi Prime Minister thinks the Sox can sweep the vaunted in this weekend's three game series in Boston. John Kerry retorted that the Prime Minister is painting "too rosy a picture" of the 2004 Red Sox who have looked "absolutely pitiful" against the Orioles and last weekend against the Yankees. Kerry then went on to express that he has a plan for the Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs to finally win World Series during his presidency.

Other teams that Allawi claimed to look good include the Kansas City Royals, Arizona Diamondbacks and Seattle Mariners. Allawi feels that any of these teams will win the World Series this year.

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Two polls, two results

Two different presidential polls conducted by the Verbal Jazz Institute for Subjective Polling have come up with two surprisingly different results:

First, a survey of likely John Kerry voters found that 98% of likely John Kerry voters will vote for John Kerry on November 2. The remaining 2% were confused by the butterfly ballot and voted for Pat Buchanan.

In different poll, conducted of likely Bush voters, there was an altogether different result: 97% were likely to vote for Bush. The other 3% erroneously selected Ralph Nader in hopes that it would get Nader on the ballot in key battleground states and therefore dilute votes for John Kerry.

What does it all mean? The Verbal Jazz Institute for Subjective Polling can guarantee you the results you want with your next poll! Call for details. What are you waiting for? Get the poll results you want now!

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A confused John Kerry mistakes Iraq for a "Battleground State"

John Kerry recently accused Iraqi Prime Minister (installed) Ayad Allawi of painting "too rosy a picture" of Iraq's future under a continued Bush administration. In an further attempt to garner all of Iraq's electoral votes, Senator Kerry later promised Iraqis "good jobs at good wages," and implored Allawi to let the voice of Iraqi citizens be heard on November 2.

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Keith Richards, banned from cycling, stripped of gold record

When the International Cycling Committee realized that Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards receives yearly transfusions due to his drug addictions, the Committee voted to suspend Mr. Richards pending further inquiry. Mr. Richards position was found to be further untenable when it was discovered that US cyclist Tyler Hamilton is in the same blood transfusion discussion group. Mr. Richards is expected to be stripped of his gold record for his work on "Sticky Fingers."

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Bush to UN: Please! Please! Please! Help us get out of this mess!

Yesterday, President Bush spoke to the UN General Assembly where he got down on his knees and begged the assembled for their help in getting out of Iraq. Then Kofi Annan woke up.

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Time for the debates

President Bush and the challenger, John Kerry, have agreed on a series of three debates with the Vice Presidential candidates sharing "I-Told-You-So"s for one debate only. Apparently the debate rules are bound by a stringent contract that calls for the following provisions:

* No brown M&Ms
* Instant disqualification for fist fighting
* No challenging the opponent to a duel
* No other form of physical attack, including but not limited to gunshots, crosschecks, intentional tripping, thrown mud, pies to the face and other potential projectiles.
* No front row seating for the Swift Boat Veterans for Bush
* Dan Rather does not validate the veracity of either candidate's claims
* No sales of George W. Bush bobbleheads or John Kerry flip-flops

In addition, the Vice Presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards will feature a 10-second delay in case Vice President Cheney should choose to drop any of his patented F-bombs.

Beer stand concessions and hot dog sales are expected to fund Debate security.

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Living to tell the tale of Yankee Stadium!

Yes, Verbal Jazz made it out alive! In order to survive the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, I suggest an oxygen mask and a good set of climbing ropes. Really, it feels as though you might just fall out of your seat and onto Hideki Matsui as he tries to catch a fly ball. Plus, the dogs suck, They taste like hot dog jerky. Fenway Franks are much more enjoyable.


It's a long way down

I also suggest not being a Red Sox fan as the Sox get their asses handed to them on a Sunday afternoon. Yes, Yankee Stadium was packed with a raving lunatic mob of privileged Yankee fans who smelled blood as the Red Sox imploded under the weight of their own history, fan expectations, and the intimidating haunted house in the Bronx.

While most Yankee fans engaged in pleasant ribbing with Red Sox fans (patently untrue, Yankee fans are vicious beasts expert in the art of torture!), the greatest embarrassment came from this person:



who questioned Mark Bellhorn's sexual preferences by telling the Sox second baseman to "cut your hair, you faggot!" (this from a boy with two earrings), gave Pedro Martinez the finger (I'm sure Pedro saw it all the way up in the second deck out in left field), and declared that "it's easy being a Yankees fan." At least his girlfriend told him to "cut it out" after the Bellhorn comment; one day she will horribly dump him and he will put a gun to his own head mercifully removing himself from the lives of those that have to deal with this nitwit on a daily basis.

What this cretin, and many Yankee fans don't realize, is that is relatively easy being a Red Sox fan. Sure, it would be nice to win a World Series, but we support a team that is consistently competitive, plays in a truly intimate gem of a ballpark (unlike the vast wasteland that is Yankee Stadium), and has a wonderful history of losing tragically. Now, if the Sox consistently sucked as badly as a new season of sit-coms, then I may call it quits and never wear my dark blue hat with the red B again.


Little known fact: Addidas is an American League team

Really, it must be worse being a Yankee fan. They seem much more obsessed with 1918 than are Red Sox fans. This has nothing to do with World War I, and everything to do with the last time the Sox won the World Series. In short, Yankee fans suffer the kind of paranoia that exists when you have the most successful franchise in baseball, yet fear that one day you will stop winning World Series. I imagine that most Yankee fans get night sweats when they think about the possibility of the Red Sox winning a World Series. Sure, they've got the winning tradition, but they just can't seem to enjoy it without constantly crowing about it.

Certainly, Verbal Jazz can understand the Yankee fan's enthusiasm for the best team that money could buy, but, overall, fandom is much more an accident of birth, kind of like fervent nationalism. Seriously, would you be a patriotic American if you were born in France or Brazil? No, you'd be eating crepes and fervently watching World Cup Soccer every four years respectively. Trust me. You wouldn't be pining to sing "God Bless America" during the Seventh Inning Stretch.

Of all the people I know, the Missus Jazz seems cognizant of the randomness of fandom. She, a Red Sox fan, insisted on purchasing a Mariano Rivera t-shirt (Yankee pitcher) because of her abnormal infatuation with him. When I say abnormal, I think he is probably the only person that could convince her to break up our marriage. I think this because she tells me this is so. She also once rode in an elevator with Derek Jeter (staying in the same hotel) and told him that "[he is] an amazing player." As rational as it may be to respect her feelings on these matters, I now have sufficient grounds for divorce.


How could you betray me like this?

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Dan Rather's signature revealed to be a forgery

Satire

Internet Blogger Verbal Jazz (hey! that's me!) recently discovered that Dan Rather's signature is an elaborate forgery and is really the work of one Steven Bartholomew of Youngstown, OH.

This discovery could have serious ramifications for Mr. Rather, invalidating any checks he may have written, any credit card transactions, and his complete oeuvre of tax returns, rendering Mr. Rather a tax cheat. The IRS is expected to begin a full investigation into Mr. Rather's signature in an attempt to find out whether the journalist had attempted to defraud the government and used his fake signature to fund terrorist operations.

CBS News issued a full retraction of Mr. Rather's signature today, finding that there is no evidence that Mr. Rather's signature ever existed.

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Into the Heart of Darkness

Verbal Jazz heads to New York this weekend for the Red Sox v. Yankees on Sunday.

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House Bill to create special "Pundit License"

Satire

As a response to "all these sill commentators, Bloggers and such," Congressman Dick Armey has introduced a bill that would require "commentators, pundits, and those who express opinions through various media channels, including television, newspaper, internet and radio" to have a special "Pundit's License."

"The 'Pundit's License' is really an attempt to curb the flow of disinformation that is permeating this nation in a time of crisis," said representative Armey at a press conference yesterday. "We can use this as an opportunity to be sure that bloggers and others are representing the facts."

The plan would call for potential pundits to attend special classes in order to be approved for their license. The legislation would also prevent licensed pundits from writing articles outside of their designated area of expertise which would prevent, "a steady stream of factual inaccuracy from a pundit who is not a recognized expert."

If approved, the White House is expected to fast track the licensing of Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter. Verbal Jazz does not expect to become a licensed pundit.

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For now your clickers are safe, thanks to the NHL

NHL hockey is now locked out, which means that Americans no longer have to reach for the clicker when Sports Center begins showing hockey highlights. For now we can concentrate on sports that really matter: baseball and football.

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Bush: Proud of time spent drinking

Speaking before members of the National Guard yesterday, President Bush said he was proud of his time spent campaigning, missing physical exams, indulging his drinking habit, and staying out of Vietnam.

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National Park Crowd disappointed by sand

A crowd assembled for the opening of Great Sand Dunes National Park in Colorado was surprised to discover the park consisted of, well, huge sand dunes. "I just thought that was a name, or something like that and that there's be roller coasters, or something," said Paul McHugh, a spectator at the grand opening. "I mean this isn't a park, this is just a beach without water."

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You only have twenty days left to say, "Bush is a wanker"

Satire

First it's a prohibition on burning flags, next comes a moratorium on criticizing the President. Senator Zell Miller (D, but really R-GA) recently introduced a bill into the Senate (S.108551) that would make it a crime to criticize the president "during a time of war or a crisis of national security." If passed, this legislation would essentially prevent the Kerry campaign from debating President Bush head to head and from running advertisements questioning Bush's policies. It would also virtually eliminate the ability of 527 groups that are critical of Bush to continue fundraising and getting their message out.

"John Kerry and these other Democrats make me so mad," said Miller. "Can you believe how little respect they are showing for our president and our country now that we are in a time of war?"

Regardless as to whether this proposed legislation violates the First Amendment, the Democrats are expected to vote for it as a show of support for the office of the presidency, if not for the president himself, whom they would then have to support.

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Sound familiar?

In the wake of a devastating terrorist attack, a country's leader seeks to increase the power of the government citing the desire to unite his country against terrorism. Yes, it's happening in Russia. Thankfully, the Patriot Act isn't that far reaching.

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There will be dancing (and several speedy rounds of gun shots) in the streets!

Verbal Jazz is very excited for the opportunity to purchase a new assault weapon. It’s been ten long years of more conventional firearms, but in the long run what is a rifle or a shotgun? The beauty of assault weapons? They can really fuck some shit up. Everybody, go out and fuck some shit up today! Yee haw!

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Hurricane Preparation Guide

With the third major hurricane scheduled to hit Florida in the past five weeks, Verbal Jazz would like to offer a few tips from our "Hurricane Preparation Guide."

You may notice a slight uptick in songs relating to hurricanes. Examples are "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by Scorpions and "Like a Hurricane" by Neil Young. This is to be expected, as most radio programming managers are correct in assuming that their listeners are dumb enough to think that is funny.

Since this latest storm is named Ivan, expect plenty of newspaper headlines reading "Ivan the Terrible." The real Ivan the Terrible lived in Russia.

Expect another visit from the President after the fact. Don't expect that pussy to wait out the storm like his brother, Jeb, your governor.

If you believe the large number of hurricanes is the wrath of god, take a deep breath. If this were the case, those heathens in Massachusetts would be under ten meters of water right now.

If you still believe that it is the wrath of god and are hellbent on proclaiming the apocalypse, there are a few possible reasons that god is mad at you:
1. Disney World
2. Disenfranchisement of minority voters
3. The Florida Marlins two World Series wins
4. Climate change (Global Warming re-branded) has created volatile weather patterns that create increasingly powerful and unpredictable storms.

The best way to avoid future hurricanes is to vote for Bush/Cheney because a vote for Kerry/Edwards is vote for more hurricanes. Oh, and terrorists. Hurricanes and terrorists are both bad and need to be stopped.

This has been a public service announcement from Verbal Jazz.

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Advisory: lunatic on the loose, considered dangerous

AUGUSTA, GA - Authorities were called in when a 911 caller reported "strange man muttering angrily to himself." After a brief investigation, the police realized the man was Senator Zell Miller and immediately called for psychiatric back up. Miller ran away and was heard challenging police officers to a duel and questioning their patriotism. Miller is considered dangerous if provoked.

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Hollywood Stunt Copter Pilots for Truth unveil anti-Kerry ad

Satire

Shortly after NASA's Genesis mission crashed into the Utah Desert, a group calling itself the Hollywood Stunt Copter Pilots for Truth released an ad raising doubts about Presidential Nominee John Kerry. The ad makes the claim that Kerry prevented pivotal funding that would have allowed NASA to actually buy a parachute for the Genesis vessel that was carrying samples of solar wind. The ad is scheduled to run in all battleground states and nationally on the series premier of "Joey" this evening.

Next week the Hollywood Stunt Copter Pilots for Truth plan to release a book entitled "Falling Back to Earth: Stunt Copter Pilots Speak Out."

The White House categorically denied any involvement with the Copter Pilots, although the group is funded by Halliburton. For his part, Senator Kerry made no references to Icarus, although sources report that he was severely tempted.

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Cheney warns that a Kerry win in November could unleash the wrath of god

The Vice-President warns the American people to expect possible flooding, plagues and unpredictable lightning strikes on clear days. A staffer later confirmed that the Vice-President's remarks were taken out of context. "He merely said that these things 'might' happen. But don't say we didn't warn you if they do."

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Bush administration celebrates 1,000th death in Iraq

Way to go...you earned it!

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Cheney: Democrats can't handle heart disease like we can

Satire

With former president Bill Clinton on the mend from a quadruple bypass, Vice President Dick Cheney took the opportunity to warn a group of Bush supporters that with the Democrats in office, you can expect more terrorism and less heart disease. According to sources Cheney reportedly said, "Let's see that pussy Clinton go through as much heart surgery as I have."

Afterward Cheney sent Clinton a "get well" card to show his compassion.

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John Kerry wants to have a convention do-over

Satire

John Kerry wants a mulligan. Citing the overwhelmingly negative attacks on his record during the Republican convention, John Kerry has stated that he would like to have a "do-over" for the Democratic National Convention.

"Let's reconvene at the Fleet Center [in Boston] and say all the things we should have said about George Bush in July," Kerry told a group of reporters.

Boston mayor Tom Menino reportedly "laughed his ass off" at the notion of reconvening.

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Wishful thinking?

Sign seen Monday (Labor Day in the US): "Memorial Day Yard Sale 12-2."

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Hurricanes believed to be the work of Al-Qaeda terrorists

First Charley, then Frances and, within a week, Ivan. Not only are all of these storms hurricanes, but their development and course of attack against the US may be the work of terrorist cells proficient in accelerating climate change. Speaking to a group of supporters in Youngstown, OH, President Bush revealed that the FBI has discovered that Al-Qaeda is believed to be behind the recent rash of hurricanes. The president then threatened to "hunt down these evil-doers and those who would create this kind of storm that would threaten the lives of the American people, that's why we're safer now without Saddam Hussein in power, who knows how many more hurricanes we will endure with my opponent in power?"

The Kerry campaign responded by noting that the removal of Saddam Hussein from power has not made anyone safer from hurricanes, nor has it led to a significant decrease in tropical storm activity, but regardless of these facts he would still vote to remove Saddam from power.

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Reason to vote for Kerry/Edwards

Better celebrities. Come on: Ron Silver? Fred Thompson? Brooks & Dunn? If Ben Affleck, Bruce Springsteen and Rob Reiner can't change your mind, then I don't know who will...

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Reason to vote for Bush/Cheney

Because we can call foolish consistency "Steadfast Resolve" without irony of course.

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Verbal Jazz will take a brief break from the silliness

To mourn for those who have died in Belsan, Russia and for their families and friends.

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Bush's speech, the condensed version

Because I care so much for you, Verbal Jazz stayed awake to watch the President accept the Republican Nomination for a second term. In summation: "9/11, terrorists, freedom, safety, liberty, support our troops, Iraq, some domestic issues to keep the peeps happy, gay marriage and abortion bone to appease the right wing, tax cuts, and my opponent won't be as bullheaded as I am. In fact it's good to be bullheaded, even if you are wrong, which I never am because I am so bullheaded." There: Verbal Jazz just gave you an hour and a half speech in ten seconds. No need to thank me.

In rebuttal, John Kerry told a group of supporters that he went to Vietnam, in case any of them forgot.

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I challenge you to a duel because I read it on Verbal Jazz

"Democrat" Zell Miller, fresh from his fire and brimstone speech at the convention apparently challenged Hardball host Chris Matthews to a duel after Matthews asked Miller to clarify some points that did not hold up under scrutiny. Miller is apparently a big fan of Verbal Jazz and read this item:

Dueling Bill introduced in the House

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Forget the Convention, the Kobe Bryant charges were dropped

There is a Republican convention going on featuring self-congratulatory, onanistic, blowhard rhetoric which basically boils down to: "Bush was president on 9/11 and should remain president because he was president on 9/11. Also he likes war. War means we act." However there is a bigger news story this morning: the rape charge filed against basketball star Kobe Bryant was dropped.

Verbal Jazz attempted to rounds up a legal analyst this morning to discuss this momentous occasion, but all I could find was a construction lawyer, as the criminal defense and prosecution experts were all gobbled up by ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, Fox Sports Net, CNN, CNN Headline News, C-SPAN, C-SPAN2, all major networks, the Weather Channel, QVC, the History Channel, Bravo, Spike TV, Nickelodeon, and National Public Radio. Therefore, I will be casting myself as the legal expert:

Verbal Jazz question: Was justice served?
Verbal Jazz answer: Well, no, justice doesn't drink.

Verbal Jazz question: did the prosecution have a strong enough case?
Verbal Jazz Answer: they sure did if the defendant wasn't a multi-millionaire with access to a high-powered legal team. Next time, I expect the Eagle county DA to go after someone who won't generate as much media coverage. They need a win.

Verbal Jazz question: Should the accuser's sexual history, as well as her history of mental illness, have been taken into account?
Verbal Jazz answer: Yes, Kobe should have pre-screened the applicant before deciding to cheat on his wife.

Verbal Jazz question: was this really more important than the Republican National Convention?
Verbal Jazz answer: Would you rather watch Kobe Bryant play basketball or listen to Dick Cheney?

Verbal Jazz question: What next?
Verbal Jazz answer: Well, I'm hoping that the Bush twins can somehow work the Kobe thing into their act before they take it on the road. They also need to work on the delivery somewhat.

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They're probably not R.E.M. fans, however

This morning Verbal Jazz was treated to a replay (thank you, C-Span) of the train wreck that was the Bush Twins introduction of their father (via satellite) at the RNC last night, who then introduced their mother. The one observation I had, other than the pain inducing one-liners was their reference to seeing OutKast when Andre 3000 of OutKast was also spotted at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, leading one to question who he supports for president. John Kerry has dedicated three staffers to try to secure the OutKast endorsement.

Surprisingly Dick Cheney did not lead a rousing chorus of "Born in the U.S.A."

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Scientists genetically engineer trees to grow plastic shopping bags

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Scientists at HulraBIO Labs have discovered a method of genetically modifying trees to grow those biodegradable plastic bags used in grocery stores.

"These bags are more like a tree leaf than they are a fruit," said Lucaas Haarland, chief scientist in charge of the Tree bag project. "But the real beauty of these trees is that you can just harvest the bags instead of manufacturing them."

Expect these bags to be at your grocery store soon.

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Schwarzenegger sought to hire Democrats for marketing campaign

At the Republican Convention last night Arnold Schwarzenegger suggested that the Democrats might have called their own convention "True Lies" after one of the California Governor's movies. Democrats, for their own part, rejected the opportunity to co-brand their own convention with the career of a popular Republican. Said DNC chair Terry McAuliffe, "We would have considered it if Arnold had switched parties."

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Inconstancy, thy name is president

After years of saying that we are "winning the war on terror," President Bush admits to Matt Lauer that maybe the war on terror is not so winnable. Now the President has gone back to saying that the war on terror is winnable. Scared straight by a moment of truth.

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