A brief synopsis of the Republican Party platform as articulated at the convention

Bush was president during 9/11. And by the way: 9/11 = terror. Got that? 9/11? Terror? Good. Oh, and by the way, we don’t like Michael Moore, so is there anyone for a tax cut to help support the war on terror?

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Stay tuned to Verbal Jazz for complete coverage of the Olympic Games

Verbal Jazz is now ready to devote this space to exhaustive Olympic coverage. We'll offer insight into such items as medal breakdowns by country, which athletes are on drugs and why there should be a dope-full Olympics, how awful those tv announcers are, and which athletes have the greatest sex app---

Wait, Verbal Jazz has just received news that the Olympic Games are over. I apologize. In the future, I will start actual Olympic coverage on the day the games begin. Sorry, but do remember to re-visit this page in time for Beijing 2008.

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If Craig Kilborn leaves the air, does it make a sound?

Or at least one that anyone wants to hear?

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Hamm refuses to return extra change to grocery store

Satire
Save and Go Supermarket on Hennesey Boulevard in Worcester, MA recently sent a letter asking American Gold Medal gymnast Paul Hamm to give up the extra $5 in change he received from a purchase of a banana and a cup of yogurt.

Said former cashier Katie Masterson, "[Hamm] just walked away from the checkout" without questioning the extra five dollars in change he received.

According to store records, Masterson was demoted to bagger shortly thereafter, after it was proven that her register had been short for the third time in a month.

"[Hamm] paid with a five, and gets more than that back, that's just not right," said store manager Russell Wilborne. "We have taken steps that will hopefully get that five dollars back in this store, where it belongs."

Sources close to Hamm allege that Hamm has no intention of returning the $5 to the store. "That was well over a year ago, and besides the Save and Go let [Hamm] walk away with the money."

Save and Go Supermarket plans to ask the International Olympic Committee and the US Olympic Committee to step in.

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Swift Boat Vets Q & A

Being that a few people have asked me to clarify the controversy surrounding Presidential Nominee (just about a month removed from presumption) John Kerry and his Woody Woodpecker-like nemesis the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, I have decided to put together a "Swift Boat FAQ." Well, actually no one has quite asked me, but I know that it is on the tips of your tongues and you may be more than a little intimidated to ask, so here goes...

Who's telling the truth?
One might be tempted to think that a group calling themselves the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth might, in fact, be telling the truth. If you have an absolute hatred of John Kerry to the point where just the sound of him talking about when he is president makes you vomit, then the Swift Boat Veterans are telling the truth. If you take the time to realize that most of their claims have been refuted by major news sources, and to understand that the Swift Boat Vets have a vendetta, well, then Kerry is your man.

Is the boat really that swift?
They wouldn't just refer to it as a "swift" boat, if the boat were, in fact slow. Geez people, ask questions that make some sense.

What is a Veteran?
Either someone with experience, or someone who has served in a war. Veterans like to be thanked for taking the thankless job of going to war. War sucks.

What is Truth?
An abstraction. Oftentimes Truth (capital "T" version, that is) is crouched in ideology. And we all know how great ideology is...ideology helps one separate the good guys from the bad guys quite easily.

So a Swift Boat Veteran for Truth...?
Is an idealogue who was once on a fast boat who wants your thanks. They also don't like John Kerry.

John Kerry just looks French, isn't it true that all French people are pussies who lie about their acts of valor?
Well, no, the French are pussies and proud of it. Make love not war. Besides, it is better to look French than it is to look like your making it up as you go along, isn't it? Wait, scrathch that, who wants to start a war? You don't want to start a war, you must hate freedom. And be French. What was the question again?

Explain the significance of John E. O'Neill and Jim Rassman.
Rassman is the guy who's ass John Kerry pulled out of the water and lived to tell about it. O'Neill is the guy who's ideology is crouched in a lifelong attempt to discredit John Kerry. O'Neill is one sick man with a John Kerry sized chip on his shoulder.

Didn't John Kerry betray his country by speaking out against Vietnam in 1971?
Why, yes, he did if you prefer to live in a totalitarian regime where speaking out against the government could earn you some jail time and may cost you an eyeball or two just to teach you a lesson, or hawk Viagra for a living after a long, distinguished career in the Senate (right, Senator Dole?). A totalitarian regime sounds like a great place to me: "Mr. President, all these casualties and atrocities performed in the name of America are just aberrations in this great game we call freedom...do I keep my eyeballs now if I give you free Viagra?"

Why do the Swift Boat Veterans all hate John Kerry so much?
They all wish they were married to the widow who inherited the Heinz fortune. Actually, they all think Teresa is a babe and could care less about the money. The money's nice, but not all that important.

Why don't we just compare the military service records of George W. Bush and John F. Kerry and make this whole Swift Boat Vet thing go away? I'll turn to the Swift Boat Vets for an answer to this one: "Why do you hate America?"

What does John McCain have to do with all this?
Simple. John McCain is a Republican. A popular Republican at that. He is also a veteran who spent some time in a Vietnamese jail as a POW. Back when he dared to take on the all powerful George W. Bush, McCain was a traitor to his country. John Kerry wants him to be a traitor to his country again by speaking out against the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Actually, all Vietnam vets are traitors to their country if the happen to be Democrats, or run against the chosen Republican. Write that down, it's very important and you will be quizzed later.

So what is the bottom line?
The bottom line is that the Swift Boat Vets would call Jesus a traitor to the cause of Christianity if it would prevent Kerry from defeating Bush this November.

There, I hope this clarifies the Swift Boat controversy for you. I'll also be happy to explain other complex questions, just to keep you informed.

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We just hope you can learn from your mistake

A four-person panel looking into the offenses (or frat-like hazing if you happen to be a Rush Limbaugh fan) at Abu Ghraib traced the breakdown of the system all the way up to Defense Department head Donald Rumsfeld. The panel, however, did not call for Rummy's resignation instead they suggested he seek counseling and learn from his mistakes.

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Dick Cheney: liberal

Vice President Dick Cheney recently took the bold move of suggesting that the question of gay marriage should be decided on a state level, not by the US Constitution. Many conservative pro-family groups have begun to seek shelter to protect themselves from the wrath of god. Expect a full investigation of whether Cheney really believes that gay marriage is acceptable, or his speech is part of a greater strategy to siphon gay voters away from Kerry, who happens to fall slightly to the right of the Veep on this issue (Kerry has publicly said he does not believe in gay marriage, but would vote to not amend the Constitution). Expect mathematicians to offer testimony with regard to resolving the equation "Marriage=X+Y", whereas X and Y define gender or are stand-ins for people in love.

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The Hobbies of a Swift Boat Veteran

The hobbies of Swift Boat Veteran for Truth John E. O'Neill reportedly include such games as "I'm not touching you," "I know you are but what am I," echoing, kazoo, and accordion, in addition to a bizarre fascination with John Kerry, not unllike that of Bill Murray's character in "Caddyshack" who obsessed over a certain gopher. Said O'Neill of his hobbies: "A man has to keep busy."

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NYC Protestor Rewards System

Dear Republican Convention protestors:

I think we learned from those good folks in Boston that a convention protest can be a fun and peaceful affair. However, we understand that with the recent troubles in Iraq, that there may be more protestors here in New York City. With that in mind we have developed a "Protestor Rewards System" that will only pay dividends if you all cooperate and behave peacefully. Should there be minimal arrests made during Convention week, all registered protestors will be entered to receive one of the following prizes:

One (1) Grand Prize Winner will receive an all expenses paid protest vacation of your choice: you can visit the bloody sands of Iraq, spend a week in a tree in Oregon, or visit a selection of six college campuses across the country. In addition to the trip the grand prizewinner will get a flag burning kit, without the flag. We hope you will choose any flag that is not an American flag. We here France's flag makes a great fire.

Ten (10) lucky first prize winners will receive autographed copies of Michael Moore's "Dude, Where's My Country?," Al Franken's "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them," in addition to a private screening, and DVD copy of "Fahrenheit 9/11." In addition to this, we will throw in a copy of "Unfit for Command" and let you decide for yourself about John Kerry.

One hundred (100) second prize winners will get tickets to a Yankees game. There, you will sit in a special protest zone where you will protest the amount of money lavished on the Yankees and the amount of money in professional sports overall. Tickets are not redeemable for cash.

One thousand (1,000) Third Prize winners will receive an "I Love New York" pin and bumper sticker set.

All winners will receive an "I survived the Republican Convention '04" t-shirt.

Contrary to popular opinion the city of New York will not be distributing any "Get out of jail free" cards in connection with this promotion.

Remember, stay out of jail to be entered to win any one of these fabulous prizes and peace through anarchy!

Sincerely,

Michael Bloomberg, Mayor

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Merchandising renders art theft pointless

One of four versions of Edvard Munch's iconic "The Scream" has been stolen. Thanks to the power of merchandising, we have enough mouse pads, punching bags, t-shirts, coffee cups and underwear to help us remember "The Scream."

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The Plush Animal Rescue Fund Needs Your Help

Warning: the following images may be disturbing as they contain graphic scenes of plush animal abuse.

There are atrocities being committed all over America, but not the kind that you hear about every day. Every forty-seven seconds, another plush animal is subject to abuse. From pranksters playing jokes to children unleashing their aggression, somewhere there is a plush animal that needs your help. Just take a look at the following examples:


This plush animal was left for dead after a hit-and-run. The police have not actively pursued an investigation.


This lamb was unceremoniously covered with stamps and dropped into a mailbox. It could not be "Returned to Sender" since there was no return address.



This donkey can't lift its neck, and it also bears the sign of an earmark. It is believed to be the work of a hole puncher.


The shape of this dog's body makes it prone to abuse, as abusers violently expand and compress its body to produce high pitch flatulence. Also note the stamps.


This plush lobster was artificially colored in order to give it the appearance of a lobster that has been cooked.


"Gerry" the giraffe recovers from neck injuries.


This elephant is forced to be a symbol for the Republican party.


These dogs were all crammed into the same dog carrier and left there for days.


If you were a bear, would you want to be pink and have a heart design on your chest?


These bears, including a very rare polar bear, attempt to escape after being slated to be the special ingredients in a daring new recipe.


This animal has its eyes permanently sewn shut in order to mimic sleeping.


An example of anthropomorphized cuteness: this dinosaur has a blanket and teddy bear sewn to its front claws, making it unable to hunt and provide its own sustenance.


This bear is male.




This Little Brown Bear was hung and fed to the dog.





Little Brown Bear's friends hold a candlelight vigil in honor of their fallen hero.

...but vigils are not enough, we need to combat the rampant abuse of plush animals. That's why I am asking you to donate to the Plush Animal Rescue Fund (PARF). Every day, PARF shelters take in thousands of abused and homeless plush animals. Your contribution will not only go to plush animal care, but will fund education initiatives across the country, such Plush Animal Care assemblies at our nations schools, and the Adopt an Abused Plush Animal Project (AAPAP).

Do what you can, contribute to PARF today! If you don't, who will?

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Toking one for Kerry

John Kerry is about to receive the kind of endorsement that will lead to lots of jokes about the Kerry campaign having the munchies, laughing at anything and thinking that, yes, those Swift Boat Veterans for Truth really are out to get you. Organizers of Hempest, a hemp festival in the Pacific Northwest are planning to throw their support behind Kerry in direct reaction to the Bush Administration's crackdown on medical marijuana. Kerry is not expected to report for duty while dragging on a spliff.

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Thank you, Senator Kennedy, thank you

Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy (D-MA) recently spoke about being on the TSA's no fly list. It takes bravery, guts and determination to speak out against the TSA. I might be banned from flying for life for writing this item.

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Don't even think about substituting a corn muffin, you godless freak

An eight-year-old girl in New Jersey had her recent First Communion overturned via Catholic Church Instant Replay. Her offense? Due to a condition that makes it harmful for her to experience the miracle that is wheat, she received a rice based Communion substitute. That's right, folks, being unable to eat wheat puts you in the same boat as being gay and supporting abortion rights. If you happen to be a pro-choice lesbian with a wheat allergy, you can kiss that sweet grace of god good-bye.

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Weapons Of Mass Mass Destruction Found!

A public beach is the apparent dumping ground for Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction. The CIA discovered the weapons in this barrel, purposely labeled WMMD, short for Weapons of Mass Mass Destruction, in order to throw weapons inspectors. "You have to admit, it was a pretty good strategy, as our search engine research never came across 'WMMD,'" said CIA operative Hank Fournier.

Porter Goss, the Bush administration's nominee to head up the CIA praised the discovery: "We knew all along that these weapons would show up, and it is thanks to the diligence of the CIA. This is a victory for America and the administration, and I mean that in the most bipartisan way possible."

The president even took time off from his busy schedule. "We knew the weapons were there all along, and that's the reason they were there. Now I bet that John Kerry no longer regrets that vote he said he would still vote. And this is all thanks to the leadership of Porter Goss. He will make a fine Director of the CIA."

Based on this new information, the CIA plans to look for more weapons stashes in mislabeled barrels: "WDM," "MDW," and simply "Wepins."

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Is our children learning?

Researchers for the American Federation of Teachers discovered data in a report released by the Department of Education that concludes that charter schools are lagging behind the more common bureaucratic institutions known as public schools. For those not in the know charter schools are schools run by private companies and a darling of the Bush administration due to such things as efficiency, and, well letting the free market decide issues of public policy. The report was released without any press releases and the information was buried well within a very thick tome.

Lesson to be learned: should the administration get its way on privatizing Social Security be sure to read your quarterly statement: all 75 volumes included appendices and footnotes.

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Police investigate plush toy fatality

Police are investigating a hit and run fatality involving a large red plush toy. Responding to a 9-1-1 call at approximately 8:46 PM, Officer Dennis McLean described the crime scene as "one of the most brutal I have ever seen involving a large red plush toy...I can't even tell if it's supposed to be an Elmo or a mis-colored Pink Panther."



If you have any information about this crime or the identity of the victim, please contact Verbal Jazz, or your local chapter of the Plush Toy Defense League (PTDL).

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No more wiener schnitzel for you, GI Joe

Yesterday President Bush promised massive troop reductions in Europe and South Korea, leaving soldiers stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan to wonder where the love might be for troops engaged in actual combat.

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Essay topic: what does this say about karma and desire?

The Iraqi Olympic Soccer team continues to roll, having now won two games, and continues to play for national pride after one brutal dictator has been ousted and military chaos ensues. The US basketball team, on the other hand, rolls over and loses to Puerto Rico. This all struck Verbal Jazz as odd in a vague, non-definable sort of way.

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President Bush urges Kerry to "help the good people of Florida"

Satire
After touring Florida to witness the devastation caused by Hurricane Charley, President Bush called on Democratic Presidential nominee, Senator John Kerry, to "provide disaster relief for the good people of Florida." The President went on to take notice that Kerry had not yet promised disaster funding to Florida: "my opponent is afraid to see the world as it really is. This is clearly a disaster area."

Kerry issued an immediate response: "We are trying to take the high road in this campaign. Calling Florida a disaster area even in the wake of something as tragically unavoidable as that weather phenomenon known as a hurricane that grows from a tropical storm, then back into a tropical storm, and then into a series of rain showers, would be to denigrate the people of Florida in a time when their spirits need to be uplifted. Besides, as for the matter of disaster funding, I am powerless to approve such fiduciary commitments until I am elected president, and then go through the nomination process."

This evening the Bush campaign will launch an ad campaign based on Kerry's admission that he is "powerless."

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Playing politics with Charley

Satire
President Bush declared the state of Florida a disaster area yesterday, in the wake of Hurricane Charley and its 145 MPH winds. "Our resolve is clear," said the President. "This is an important piece of the War on Terror and we will not give in terrorists weather. My opponent will tell you that Charley is merely a 'hurricane,' but I would ask that opponent now if he would declare a disaster area following the destruction of Charley."

Upon hearing the remarks of President Bush, Senator Kerry said, "With the amount of destruction caused by Charley, I would have to say that, yes, I would declare Florida a disaster area and as President of the United States, I would take the steps to insure that Charley never happens again."

"I knew he would agree with me," the President later said.

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Let the games begin!

Last night marked the opening ceremony for the Olympic Games in Athens, Greece, alhtough the soccer tournament had already started. In a marked chenge from Olympiads past, this year's weightlifting tournament will feature weightlifters lifting drywall, concrete and brick in order to help construction crews finish.

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Breaking News!

Knowing what he knows now, John Kerry would still have had that late night taco. Republicans accuse Kerry of flip flopping on the all important issue of taste versus indigestion.

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Having a hard time letting go

The Democratic Convention is gone, folks. It's okay to miss it, but you just have to let it go. *Sigh*

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Hotel Room -- Cheap

This hotel room has a lovely view of downtown Boston, in fact you feel as though you are right on the common! Watch out, if you decide to get really frisky, you may get arrested for public indecency!

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Breakin' the law -- San Francisco style

4,000 couples who were married in San Francisco last winter suddenly found their marriages "voided" by the California Supreme Court who claimed that San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome overstepped his bounds in issuing licenses that were clearly against California law. Not to be left out of the spotlight, Mr. Newsome now plans to release all the prisoners in Alcatraz, "whether or not the Supreme Court of California says it's okay."

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Bush to endorse Constitutional Amendment Banning Gay Politicians

Satire
In the wake of the resignation of Democratic Governor James McGreevey of New Jersey over revelations that he carried out a homosexual affair while being married to a woman, President Bush today endorsed a Constitutional Amendment banning gay politicians, even of the politician is in the closet.

"Now is not the time to have activist politicians trying to re-define the meaning of politician," said the President. "Politician has always meant one man in a marriage with one woman and sometimes having an affair with another woman or drinking too much, not one man in a marriage with one woman and having an affair with one man."

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) agreed citing that the presence of a gay politician, even a closeted one, could lead to "children calling Mr. Ed their new daddy." Santorum urged us to end this scourge of closeted gay politicians.

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It's just unnatural, is what it is...

At a campaign rally in Pensacola, FL yesterday George W. Bush and John McCain embraced in an awkward man-hug, in an apparent attempt to prove that "compassionate conservative" is not a buzz-phrase that is so 2000. Afterward McCain took five showers and engaged in a full delousing, after which he said, "I love the guy [i.e. Bush] I really do."

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Knowing that prior knowledge was limited, would you choose the path that, what was the question?

Knowing what he knows now, John Kerry admits he still would marry Teresa. President Bush immediately summarized into support for the current state of the Iraq war.

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Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to continue searching for "truth"

Satire
Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, a group of swift boat veterans who have attacked John Kerry's military record, plan to challenge more military records. According to Joseph Cossi, the group plans to "she light on the military record of any individual who do not deserve the honor of having fought for this country."

Among the proposed records they play to "shed light on:" John F. Kennedy, Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, Tom Daschle, Max Cleland, and Wesley Clark. Until Arizona Senator John McCain started campaigning for President Bush, the group had plans to illuminate his status as a former POW. The group had anecdotal evidence that would have described McCain's POW internment as a "Holiday Inn without the wake-up call."

"This isn't really about partisan politics," said Cossi. "This is about patriotism." When asked about the military records of Dick Cheney, George Bush and Rush Limbaugh, Cossi retorted with, "Clinton."

According to Cossi, the group plans to ask the question, "What is Truth?" (With a capital "T") once the election is over.

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No cause for cell-ebration

Laura Bush pulled a stunner yesterday when she took time away from that all important cookie bake off* with Teresa Heinz Kerry to publicly declare support for her husband on stem cell research. For those not in the know, the president supports federally funded research only on existing lines of stem cells because stem cells are taken from embryos. The issue of stem cell research aggravates the president's pro-life base by introducing a difficult to understand concept known as "gray area." The gray area in question: stem cell research could provide cures and treatments for Alzheimer's disease, diabetes and turf toe, while eliminating embryos that never would have the opportunity to grow into sullen teens sporting a t-shirt that reads: "I could have saved President Reagan." Actually, those embryos would never grow into anything, it's just the principle of the thing, really.

Mrs. Bush urged caution in exploring stem cell research because stem cells have not yet been proven to cure anything and we (as in the American people, but presumably those of us more in the blue states since we are more likely to support stem cell research and something wacky like a woman's right to choose) should not have false expectations as to what stem cells can do. This is a bit like urging the Red Sox to base a season on their spring training. The way this season is going, perhaps the Red Sox were not the best analogy.

The most shocking part is that in this day and age a political wife would actually support her husband!

*for those even further not in the know, Teresa Heinz Kerry freely admitted to her pumpkin spice cookie recipe as having come from a staffer, which is important because we are talking about the death of motherhood here, people! Next, apple pie goes out the window...what will become of America if the first lady doesn't have a cookie recipe handy for all those visitors?

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Nomar hurt Achilles during gay marriage rally

Satire
Over the past ten days there have been numerous conflicting reports as to how former Boston Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra injured his Achilles tendon. Verbal Jazz has discovered that it was not hurt playing soccer or with a baseball. Nomar injured his Achilles marching in support of gay marriage. Fellow marchers noticed Garciaparra on the ground, writhing in pain and sporting a pin reading: "Straight but not narrow."

Apparently, Garciaparra's support of gay marriage ("I just don't see anything wrong with it," he reportedly said) had served to further alienate them from his Red Sox teammates, many of whom are religiously conservative and seeking to display their alpha male dominance.

"We didn't really care whether he supported the rights of people to marry plush animals," said one Red Sox staffer, "but he chose to take a side that many on the clubhouse were uncomfortable with. Especially since the Red Sox play in Boston, which has become ground zero for the gay marriage debate."

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Those who hardly knew him, knew him best

"Unfit for Combat: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against Kerry" is due to hit the bookstores next week. The book apparently features the kind of in-depth analysis that only those who did not serve on the same swift boat could bring. Next will be an expose of Bush's National Guard duty by those who barely remember..well, never mind.

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Missourians need more time to accept homosexual lifestyle

71% of Missouri voters passed a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Missourians reject being known as "The Gay State That Spawned John Ashcroft" but are comfortable with simply giving us John Ashcroft.

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New! Low Carb Bank

Because your low-carb diet is a major lifestyle choice, there is now a bank out there that meets your needs. When you choose an account with us, you will not receive a free toaster, which leads to toasting bread, which we know has carbs. Instead we offer a free sausage press and meat grinder with every account you open.

Other banks don't care about your low carb diet like we do, so switch today.

Please consult your physician before beginning a low-carb bank account.

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Still seething over those French

Fox News reports that legendary photographer Henri Cartier-Bresson is better off dead and will not be missed due to the fact that he was French, chose to live in France, ultimately chose to die there, and spoke the language. Fox's Bill O'Reilly praised Cartier-Bresson's death as a "much needed reduction in the number of French people in the world." Cartier-Bresson was 91.

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This just in: Newark tourism shows no ill effects from Orange Alert, tourism remains at zero

Tourism in Newark remained nill just days after the Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid issued an Orange Alert for D.C., New York and Newark. Newark officials are pleased that they can continue showing tourism as 0 as opposed to a negative number. "How do you explain negative numbers for tourists, anyway?" said Ralph Manka, President of the Newark Chamber of Commerce.

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Yoko Mia?

With Nomar Garciaparra long gone from Red Sox Nation rumors are starting to circulate that the shortstop's undoing in Boston had less to do with the attempt to trade him last fall than it did with the negative influence of his wife: Mia Hamm. According to one source, Hamm, currently playing with the US Olympic women's soccer team, no longer wished to live in the Boston area and convinced her husband that he would be better off without the Red Sox. Said one player who whished to remain anonymous: "She certainly had her own agenda: 'Revolution #5.'"

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Abu Ghraib was a special place

The court martial trial of Pfc. Lynndie England began yesterday. In all of the pictures, Pfc. England displays none of the happiness or frivolity that marked her photos from Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. In those photos, Pfc. England was frequently seen smiling or hoisting her thumb in the air. That just goes to show that Abu Ghraib was a special Utopia for American troops stationed there; a magic moment to which they will never return, like innocence lost.

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Cliffs Notes used to drive US policy

Verbal Jazz has learned that the discrepancies between the 9/11 Commission's intelligence full recommendations and those being adopted by the Administration has to do with the Administration only studying the Cliffs Notes version of the 9/11 Commission's report. A spokesperson for Clffs Notes states that the abbreviated version of the report is only meant to serve as a study guide and not direct US policy. An administration official, speaking on conditions of anonymity said, "The Cliff [sic] notes are good enough for us; we also used them to determine that Iraq had weapons of mass destruciton and ties to Al-Qaeda. If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

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The dark side of John Edwards

Republican campaign strategists who have spent the past two months searching for the dark side of John Edwards have announced a breakthrough. In a groundbreaking statement released today, those strategists have found that it is "highly probable that Senator Edwards has a Juris Doctor [law degree]. The report also finds that Edwards "practiced law for some time with a great degree of success." The overall conclusion of the report is that Edwards' successes in the courtroom are a threat to American business and enterprise while an oilman who holds top secret meetings to derive energy policy is a resounding success.

Verbal Jazz will release more information on this supposed law career of John Edwards as it is received.

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Donate now

Verbal Jazz recently read an article in The Atlantic Monthly that discussed the high number of donations that the Ralph Nader campaign has received from Republicans who have maxed out on Bush spending and are hoping that Nader's candidacy will siphon votes from John Kerry this November. Should it not work out this November, Verbal Jazz could make good use of similar funding in 2008. The last name is spelled V-A-L-L-A-N-C-O-U-R-T.

Vallancourt '08: Because you're too stupid to see the difference in either candidate.

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Nomar felt that something was missing

According to sources close Nomar Garciaparra, the former Boston Red Sox shortstop felt that something was missing during his entire career in Boston, hence his desire to no longer play with the team. Now that Garciaparra is playing for the Cubs he has found it: the "r" in Nomar. No longer will Garciaparra be referred to as "Nomah."

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Interpreting the interpretations of the 9/11 Commission Report Recommendations

Kerry: My opponent chooses to cherry-pick recommendations and ignore the comprehensive analysis of the situation.

Bush: My opponent believes everything he reads, except the Bible. He would call for a tax hike just to do everything this book says and keep your money.

Secretary Ridge (Dept. of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid): We'll save red for September.

Howard Dean: They are controlling you with your fillings.

Ralph Nader: It is clear that both apples and oranges are fruit, in addition to their other similarities.

Grand Inquisitor Ashcroft (Dept. of Vengeance): Who can we put to death?

Voters: USA! USA!

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The Aftermath

Mere days after the trade of Nomar Garciaparra to the Chicago Cubs, Red Sox fans (oft referred to as Red Sox Nartion) have been forced to come to grips with the sudden departure of our one-time superstar. Many flirted with Cubs fandom, but then realized that (Cubs:Cardinals)/1.561=(Red Sox:Yankees). Numerous rumors have also floated around from Nomar refused to play for the Red Sox to Nomar was being paid by Steinbrenner to fake an injury.

Whatever the reason it is clear that Nomar suffered from Mediitis: n. an overwhelming aversion to being an object of media coverage. Symptoms may include grouchiness, irritability and the inability to focus. Cause uncertain but thought to be either internal mental state or external parasite known as 24/7 media in search of a story.

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Voters move to swing states to impact November election

Satire

Lifelong Texas Democrat, Lisa M. Lucas packs up boxes and waits for movers who will ship her items to Ohio where she hopes to have a greater impact on the upcoming election. "As a Democrat from Texas, my vote will be meaningless this November, so I am moving to Ohio where my vote might count a little more."

Lucas is one of many Democrats from so-called "Red States", or those expected to have a strong Republican majority, who plans a temporary move to a battleground state.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell. "It's nice to see some new faces [in Pennsylvania]."

When asked about how it feels to just pick up and move from Massachusetts to Maine, Jason Millet said, "The next four years are far more important than my current job or favorite bar."

"Carpet baggers aren't welcome in Florida," said Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who already has filed a bill in the Florida Legislature that would stop would be Democratic voters, like Lisa M. Lucas, from moving to Florida to sway the election. The bill would simply prevent anyone moving to Florida from voting until they have completed one year of residency. Newer residents could petition for voting privileges from the governor, but only after they have sworn to "Support the President and our troops in this time of war." The ACLU has already voiced strong opposition to this bill.

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Jump-starting conspiracy theories

In order to jump-start numerous conspiracy theories, the Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid (Homeland Security) raised the terror alert to Orange ("High" for those who are not up on the Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid color chart). Former Vermont governor Howard Dean has already taken the bait by referring to the heightened terror alert as a political maneuver. Democrats everywhere breathed a sigh of relief that Dean, an obvious whacko, did not win the nomination.

A source inside the Department of Homeland Security tells Verbal Jazz that the timing of a terror alert is no laughing matter, as the information has to be released at such a time where it doesn't look like an overt political maneuver and conspiracy theories catch on. "The idea," the source says, "is to flush out the conspiracy theories in the summertime so that by the time the voters decide in the fall, any conspiracy theory centered around the terror alert will have been discounted."

Since the alert is centered around the banking industry, most of the conspiracy theories have centered around the government attempting to seize your money to repay the deficit. Political maneuvering is a close second.

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