Bush to change name to "Amurca," render Constitution meaningless

Before the election in November, President Bush plans to officially change the name of our country from United States of America to simply "Amurca." By changing the name, the President can then implement an entirely new Constitution that will legalize baby seal hunting, and DECLARE HIMSELF PRESIDENT for LIFE!!!! Go now! Tell Everyone you know and write to President Bush to tell him that AMERICANS will not stand for this.

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Thank you, TV people, please come back soon

We had some good times, TV people. I just want to say, "Thank you." I'll miss you.

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This just in: Kerry practices ballet

Verbal Jazz has learned that John Kerry takes a weekly ballet lesson and has been known to practice in the privacy of his own home(s). The source that leaked the information tells Verbal Jazz that this is REALLY IMPORTANT FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO KNOW AS IT COULD MEAN THAT KERRY WOULD BE THE MOST ANTI-AMERICAN PRESIDENT EVER!!!!!

Kerry campaign officials would not comment on the veracity of this story other than to say that it is a complete fabrication, WHICH MEANS IT MUST BE TRUE!

TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

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Across from thr Big Dig...the other side is heard from

America's newsroom is filled with right-wing nut jobs who think that a guy who starts a war is better patriot than one who elected to fight in one?


Oh my god! Kerry might nominate judges? Who think its okay for people to have freedom of choice? Since he endorses freedom, that must mean that Kerry hates America!

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Who the hell is Mitchell Gold?

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You protesters better not try anything funny...like breaking out of this cage

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This just in: President Bush likes to drink the blood of baby seals

Verbal Jazz has discovered that President Bush likes to drink the blood of baby seals and cannot wait to take up baby seal hunting again when his term as president is over. The source also claims that Bush does not hunt now, because of fears the press may find out.

Bush campaign officials laughed when told of this story...so it MUST BE TRUE! Tell everyone you know!!!

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Arrrgh! Isn't this too organized for Anarchy?

This would make a good band photo, though...

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The pirates will be coming soon...be prepared!

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Even bikes know freedom

Is this bike free because it is classified as a vehicle and often ridden on the sidewalk, or against the flow of traffic on a one way street? Or is it free because it knows that freedom comes from within and from the knowledge that, yes, two legs can power it forever?

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I just want to say, "Thank you, TV people"

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Also sees Yankees and Red Sox as just baseball teams

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You mean we have to pay for this stuff?

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Workers of the world unite

...and let me know when you get a job

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This one just needs sharing

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With the Democrats here the sky goes dark with sin

Repeal you evil ways, specifically pro choice and gay rights stances, or feeel the wrath of nature.


Just fuckin' with ya. Go, enjoy the convention.

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Edwards breaks another heart

The speaker was upset because he claims to have collected the most signatures to get John Edwards on the primary ballot in Rhode Island, and now Edwards has not done enough to repeal the Patriot Act. He's probably also upset that he has yet to receive his signed John Edwards coffee mug.

I bet he also recently broke it off with his girlfriend after she was fifteen minutes late for dinner. Damn it! Results now!

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Speak, and the throngs will listen

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I just want my picture taken...maybe I'll be famous

This woman stopped in front of me as I was taking pictures of the angry guy at the podium. Great sign, huh?

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Look what the pretty horses left behind

So majestic, so beautiful, so proud...


Hey, they forgot to flush!

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Bush to be introduced by old drinking buddies

In the wake of John Kerry's Democratic nomination acceptance speech, in which Kerry was introduced by those who served on his swift boat in Vietnam, the committee to reelect President Bush is searching out the President's old drinking buddies. They plan to have the drinking buddies talk about how many times they have said, "I love this guy!" as well as recount some of the other hardships they faced during their college years and beyond.

"Where Kerry sought to portray himself as a 'holier than thou' veteran, the president will make the case that he has always been a regular guy," said campaign spokesperson Karen Hughes. "We find that more Americans, particularly younger voters, connect more with a candidate who has faced the challenges they have faced when the booze runs out, or if you can't remember what you did the night before. And, when you get right down to it, the president spent more time with his drinking buddies than Senator Kerry spent on that swift boat."

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We must do what we can to protect this fence!

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Whoops! Can't go in there, I forgot my passport

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Life is bad, very bad, not good, you idiots!

The real story behind this: they want to boycott "Life is Good" because the owner hired a construction company that these picketers claim uses unfair labor practices.

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Another undecided voter falls by the wayside

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Next time, we have the farting contest in your cruiser!

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Affleck set for nomination

Satire

The worlds of celebrity and politics have collided yet again as actor Ben Affleck appears ready to accept the Democratic Nomination for President this evening. Unbeknownst to Mr. Affleck, however, the nomination will go to another Massachusetts native son: John Kerry.

It is all part of a new Reality TV series set up by producer Rob Barrett called "Presidential Afflecktion." According to Barrett, camera crews have been following Affleck around as he makes all the stops around town during the DNC. The idea is to surprise Affleck at the end as though he were a target of "Punk'd."

"This has really provided us with a great opportunity," said Barrett. "The Democratic Party is clearly Affleck's rebound from Jennifer [Lopez], and he just wants the party to love him back."

Expect the show to begin airing during November sweeps.

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Because this car stopped for a photo...

Register today: Vote in November

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Q. Does this hat make me look silly?

A. Yes

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Boston Icon: Sidewalk Sam

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In a word, No.

Judging by the fact that you can walk in and out of the protest zone with your life in tact and not be sent to your death, one could reasonably assume that the answer to this question woudl be an unequivocal, no.

Just a side note: the writer of this sidewalk chalk question happens to be both an idiot as well as an anti-semite.

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It takes all kinds in a protest zone, I guess...

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...but you can be an old lecher

 
Proving once again that Catholicism accepts no gray areas...

 
...but does accept old lechers. I wonder what he is looking at.

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In god's court there would be a department of peace run by Ghandi

 

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Whereas unwanted pregnancies from rape, incest and faulty birth control are manifestations of god's love

 

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Protest zone, fully enclosed

 

 
...and the inhabitants are not happy about it. Although, I don't see why they would want to to give a pen to an Animal and restrict it to an American.

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What is a "Demarat?"

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Why are the President's pants depictied as being "on fire?"

There are a few possible reasons:

• He is protesting the war in Iraq
• The designer of this moving float want to show that Bush is a really good dancer
• You know, that old rhyme about the liar
• Bush rolled in Kerosene, then lit a match just to see what would happen

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Still under temporary lockdown

These MPs smiled and said, "Hello," after Verbal Jazz snapped their picture.

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Get back to meditating there, buddy!

Check the guy on the right, who notices that Verbal Jazz is taking his photograph. Dude, you are in a public area...and making a spectacle of yourself. No get back to meditating there, buddy boy!

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Look! He's on TV!

Thank you, Mr. TV Man!

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Damn! those lights must be hot

What TV people go through for you! Thank them! Thank a TV person today!

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It's good to see that kids today are apolitically active

These signs are a promotion from a local bar promoting a "political free zone..."


...and, presumably, lots of Captain Morgan.


Although, something tells me this gentleman would not be apolitical if he were suddenly handed a draft card and told he was deploying to Tikrit at 0700 tomorrow morning.

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Just when you thought being religious meant pro-life...

...along come these people to confuse the issue. C'mon folks I need it all in black and white!

Religion = pro-life
Pagan satanism = pro choice.

Verbal Jazz likes life to be simple like that.

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She's made a pledge to be a Democrat for life...

...because people always switch party affiliation mid-str..oh, wait, she means that kind of life.

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We wore these costumes just to appear on Verbal Jazz

"Yeah, yeah, and to meet chicks."
"Shut up! Verbal Jazz rules."
"I like the chicks!"

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What I missed on my summer vacation

While vacationing last week in the State of Maine, with no Internet access, no cell phone, and no desire to drive 8 miles round trip for a daily newspaper, Verbal Jazz managed to get a vague outline on several key stories:

Do these documents make me look fat?
Former Clinton National Security Advisor, Sandy Berger, managed to remove classified documents from the National Archives, before his 9/11 Commission testimony. Berger claims that he didn't know they were there. The most bizarre conspiracy theory I have heard to date involves Grand Inquisitor, John Ashcroft, timing the leak of this news in order to embarrass the Democrats. The real embarrassment is the actual stuffing of the documents into the clothing.

No one ever is to blame
The 9/11 Commission released its report and focuses blame on no one office or person. You call this accountability? I want someone to blame. I'll even take the kid who packed  my spaghetti sauce and eggs in the same grocery bag. Yes, you, kid, grab the acne medication and head to interrogation room #4.

Rickey Williams retires
Miami Dolphins running back, Rickey Williams, retired from pro football this week at the ripe old age of 27. While Williams has left millions of dollars on the table to live the life of a traveling pothead, who can blame him? The man made a living running away from eleven men between 250-350 pounds who were simply looking to hit him hard. Travel, Rickey, travel.

Lance Armstrong is a big pussy
All he does is moan about some cancer in order to soften up the field and win the Tour de France (I simply cannot bring myself to write "Tour de Lance") year after year. Lance Armstrong is a big pussy.  I've always wanted to say that. It's not like he has eleven men between 250-350 pounds who are simply looking to hit him hard; he just gets on a bicycle and rides through France year after year. How hard is that? Maybe Rickey Williams will train to defeat Lance next year. Lance is like one of those annoying bike people who always ride on the road without a care for anyone who may be driving.

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Bush supporters come to Boston

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Huh?

So let me get this straight, this gentleman would prefer that we vote for a tiny brained invertabrate that leaves a noticable trail of slime wherever it goes?

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The overall meaning is?

The multiple messages on this custom designed vehicle serve to create instant confusion. 

• John Kerry has not had the time to work out during the presidential campaign, hence he is "unfit."
• America is also in rough shape, since god is implored to "save" it.
• All marriage is intended to be polygamous since it is one man, one woman and a cross meaning Jesus. I will let the Missus Jazz know immediately about the Jesus bit. In other instances this sentiment is written as an improbable equation: "Marriage= 1 man + 1 woman." Must be a new word problem.
• There are in fact Ten Commandments, the first four of which proclaim god to be a badass.
• "Stop the insanity" presumably means the driver.

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Teach your children well...

"Okay, your schedule is: taunting confused, pregnant women at noon, then condeming newly married gay couples at 3.  Remember, kids, Jesus doesn't do moral ambiguity!"

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Thanks for the clarification...

No longer will Verbal Jazz refer to Catholicism as the pro-choice religion.

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What do you mean "police state?"

Keep this up, and we will impose martial law!

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Protest Space Available: Complete with view of this wicked awesome bridge

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A brief note about the convention

Verbal Jazz went out looking for some exciting convention protest action today, but found nary a whiff of poor personal hygiene. There were pockets of protest and certainly lots of cops (who almost were part of the protest crowd). In fact it was like living in a police state with military and armed guards at almost every corner.

Maybe the protests would have been better attented with a better marketing plan:

• First 100 marching for the freedom of Chechen rebels get a bar of soap!
• Free Mumia and Free checking all in one!
• Kids eat for free!
• Enter to have Dennis Kucinich crash on your floor!

Or something like that. Hell, there's always tomorrow.

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Kerry released by Red Sox after one pitch

In a surprise move the Boston Red Sox attempted to shore up their rotation with Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. After one pitch, the Boston Red Sox promptly released Kerry. The struggling Red Sox were hoping that sixty-year-old Senator would be the key acquisition in their attempt to secure a playoff berth this season.

"I thought he pitched pretty good, he just had a little trouble reaching the plate," said Red Sox manager, Terry Francona.

As for his own performance, Kerry said, "I gave that pitch that I threw my best effort. It seems, however, that the ball is harder to throw than we realize, watching these fine, accomplished athletes who make baseball seem like an effortless summer pastime. Now, I can focus on defeating George Bush in the November election."

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Verbal Jazz asks: "Why do you hate America?"

Verbal Jazz will be away on vacation for the next week, and back the following week to report on commuting conditions during the DNC. While away, I beseech you, gentle reader, to reflect on what it is you hate about America. I mean you wouldn't be reading this unless you hate America, you terrorist-lovin' nut-job filled with Communist era nostalgia. Just admit it: you hate America. I expect you, reader, to deliver an essay to Verbal Jazz, explaining what it is, in your freak, America hatin' heart that makes you hate America. 
 
Actually Verbal Jazz has been using the line, "Why do you hate America?" as an ice breaker. Try it.
 
"Nice flag on you car; why do you hate America?"
"Nice bean curd soup with frozen lentils; why do you hate America?"
"I see you're a Yankees fan; why do you hate America?"
"You want to save the environment? Why do you hate America?"
 
 
 

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Martha gets five months Verbal Jazz to maintain five-minute silence

Starting now, Verbal Jazz will maintain a five-minute silence to call attention to the travesty of justice that is Martha Stewart's jail term. 

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The original gated community

 
Can't we just play on the lawn?

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Memorial by Disney

 
Not the place for quiet reflection of the sacrifice made by those who fought in WWII. To complete the effect they should just add a laser light show in addition to syunchronized swimming exhibits every half hour.

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Waterfront Property: Priced to Sell!

 
Don't miss out on this fabulous opportunity to own right on Baltimore's Inner Harbor. This property just needs a little TLC and some elbow grease to be as good as new. Within walking distance to Camden Yards as well as other sites.  

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What's that up there? Made you look!

 
Image taken in Capitol Rotunda.

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Iraq forms intelligence network

Iraq's newly formed intelligence network has released a report that the Unite States is in possession of Weapons of Mass Destruction. So far the newly handed over regime has not made any plans for a pre-emptive strike based on these claims, nor have they contacted Hans Blix with regard to initiating a weapons inspection process.

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Mike Ditka: "I'm afraid of Dixie Chick-like backlash"

Former Chicago Bears and New Orleans Saints football coach, Mike Ditka decided not to pursue the Republican nomination for Senator from Illinois. (The former nominee Jack Ryan, dropped out after it was discovered that he likes to have kinky sex in front of strangers.) Verbal Jazz has discovered that Iron Mike is really afraid of the kind of backlash that haunted the Dixie Chicks after singer Natalie Maines expressed embarrassment over president Bush. "We all know that artists and entertainers take a lot of heat for expressing a liberal viewpoint," said Ditka. "Would the same hold true for sports figures who are on the conservative side? I don't want to find out."
 
While Ditka is not available to run for Senate, he did express an interest to do more Levitra ads as long as they came with a free sample.  

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Bush declares that "Osama" will speak at Democratic National Convention, puts nation on Red Alert

Fresh from the humiliating defeat of his attempt to defeat gay marriage, President Bush declared that he was recently informed by Vice President Dick Cheney that Osama bin Laden is planning to speak at the Democratic National Convention. President Bush immediately had the Department of Homeland Security declare red alert.

It was later pointed out to the President that the speaker is Barack Obama, a Democratic candidate for Senator in Illinois. Bush declared: "Our best intelligence states that Osama bin Laden is planning to speak at the Convention in Boston and our resolve will not diminish. Whoever speaks at that convention is an enemy to freedom and we must act quickly and decisively."

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Why can't those hippies be respectable Christians and follow Jesu...? Oh, wait!

The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of the ideological world: Jesus Freak Hippies. Don't think these guys go to the same church as W., though.

Hey, why can't you guys be respectable Christians

Photo taken June 25, 2004 at the Mall in Washington, DC.

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Bush seeks to be known as the homophobe who invaded Iraq

President George W. Bush recently took a break from supporting his unsupportable war on Iraq to reprise his chorus of "Gay Marriage Ban in the US Constitution." The irony of course being that the war in Iraq is now apparentlty defense of our freedom to deny gays the freedom to marry.

In other news, Lynne Cheney, wife of the Secret Agent Veep, has now apparently joined with those others who hate America. Ms. Cheney's faux pas? She has decided to publicly disagree with her husband on the gay marriage issue and support a state's right to choose on the issue. (For those not in the loop, the Cheney's have a daughter who is a lesbian).

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"Dueling Bill" introduced in House

Satire

Just days after descendants of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr recreated the famous duel that left Hamilton mortally wounded, the NRA has proposed a legislative initiative that would allow dueling as means of conflict resolution. According to a draft of the legislation, scheduled to be introduced into the house by Mike Simpson (R-ID), dueling is acceptable if both parties involved in the duel sign a written agreement as to the type of weapon allowed, number of steps to take, and a waiver of the rights of the surviving family members to sue the duel winner.

According to an NRA press release on this issue: "If two consenting adults wish to engage settle a dispute by means of a duel, then they should be allowed that freedom without having to worry about burdening the courts once the outcome of that duel is determined."

In a stump speech today, President Bush took brief pause to mention the dueling bill: "Dueling has a long tradition in this country; it is part of the fabric of our experience. It is about time we acknowledged our history as a country that doesn't use the courts to settle disputes, we settle them honestly. John Kerry would have you not have the freedom to have a duel. As a lawyer, he and John Edwards would rather use the courts."

John Kerry then proceeded to challenge the President to a duel if the legislation is passed. There has been no word from the White House since.

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Authentic Verbal Jazz Miracle - Mr. Dirt Face

After digging a hole in the backyard this past weekend, Verbal Jazz encountered a miraculous face in the dirt. Instantly, I recognized it as a sign that I am chosen. I am a conduit for the divine, the face in the dirt says so.

Once word of the face spread, the multitudes thronged to see the face in the dirt. "This is one the wonders of the world," said one visitor, "and I am blessed to have seen it."



Tourist information: Verbal Jazz Dirt Face Viewing: $10 - Adult; $7.50 Children.

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You can't catch me, coppers!

Former Enron CEO, Ken Lay, turned himself over to the FBI in Houston. Without delving into the complexities of the case, Lay is basically being charged with taking part in the various fraud schemes that left Enron investors penniless and Enron employees jobless and forced the Houston Astros to seek a new corporate sponsor for what was then Enron Field (lucky for those Astros that Minute Maid ponied up some cash. Now if the Astros and Devil Rays (who play at Tropicana Stadium) ever play in the World Series it will be the battle of the O.J.).

Now, in the spirit of reactionary thinking (or blowhard talk radio): when some callous criminal has been arrested and charged, isn't it time to institute a death penalty for white-collar crimes? A murder destroys at least one life, and probably affects a few more, but these white-collar criminals bilk many investors of their life savings, thereby ruining far more lives than a simple murder. Therefore, a death penalty that is based on sound science is the way to go for these corporate criminals. Hell, maybe the idea of being put to death would have brought about a fabulous shootout for Kenny Boy's last stand...

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Fighting for the soul of John McCain

As soon as John Edwards was announced as John Kerry's running mate (A tale of two Johns?) the Republican Attack Machine (R.A.M.) was running ads touting Senator, and blind loyalist, John McCain (R-AZ) as Kerry's first choice...and a first choice who backs the President. In anticipation the Kerry campaign ran ads showing McCain disagreeing with Bush. Granted that was four years ago when McCain was campaigning in the primary. Expect the campaign to delve into the question of "What Would John McCain Do?" Maybe McCain should sit silent during the campaign season and cast a ceremonial first vote in November. In fact both campaigns could just ignore the campaign and seek to please John McCain..giving him the power of King. But King John McCain would deny the throne and give it back to the people.

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Loyalty: New Verbal Jazz Glossary Term

Loyalty (n.): blind allegiance to those who are frequently ignorant, wrong, or have willfully acted in a malicious manner. Best held without a sense of irony, or understanding of "gray area."

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Nomar traded for Edwards

Mere hours after declaring John Edwards his Vice Presidential running mate, it appears that the Presumptive Democratic nominee, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, has traded Edwards to the Boston Red Sox for shortstop Nomar Garciaparra. Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein ( called the trade, "a much needed move" that will "add some depth to this ball club." The Red Sox hope that Senator Edwards can provide a better defensive option at first base and reduce costly errors that have found them on the losing end of ball games recently. Epstein also hopes that Edwards positive attitude will make him "a good guy to have in the clubhouse."

Boston sportswriters and sports broadcasters cheered, as Nomar Garciaparra, once a fan and media favorite, has lost a good deal of popularity. "We finally got rid of that lazy bum," said one broadcaster, who wished to remain anonymous. "I mean we don't need no good for nothing, ungrateful ball players here in Boston. So what if the Sox tried to trade him over the winter." The broadcaster then started to hyperventilate.

It is not immediately known whether Garciaparra will stay on to fill the ticket for Senator Kerry, or be traded to the Republicans for John McCain. McCain, however, has indicated that he will not waive his no trade clause.

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Kerry picks Edwards: Democrats enjoy group hug

Besides choosing between the picket and chain link version of his new office chair (see previous post), the Vampire (John Kerry, once left for dead back in late 2003) picks the ageless Dorian Gray (John Edwards) to be his running mate. It means two things: that Kerry actually wants to win and doesn't matter if he's outshined to do it. Verbal Jazz, for one, would like a front row seat for the Cheney v. Edwards debate when the current vice president, not known for brokering dissent, tells the former trial lawyer to do a "Pat Leahy."

It would have been more interesting if both the Democrats and Republicans had to vie for the support of same running mate who would remain deliciously coy as to whose agenda he or she supports.

But then, keeping Dan Quayle and the aforementioned Dick (Cheney) in the back of the mind, who votes for Veep, anyway?

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Senator Kerry, your new office chair has arrived

Over the years Senator John Kerry (D-MA), who apparently presumes to be the Democratic Party nominee for the office of POTUS until the pomp and circumstance of his "acceptance" of the nomination is official at the convention, has flirted with "nuanced" views of issues, such as the Iraq war resolution (essentially: "I'm all for sticking it to Saddam as long as we don't") and labor unions (essentially: "I won't cross a police picket now, so they won't picket me later"). Now Senator Kerry says that he believes that life begins at conception, but women should be allowed to choose, paying lip-service to both of his religion (Roman Catholic) and his faith (Democrats), because, god-forbid that some backward-ass looking bishop deny him Communion, or some one-issue Democrat switch to the Green Party in disgust. That said, the phot above should provide a pretty good office chair for Senator Kerry should he finally have the balls to have a conviction other than George Bush is the absolute worst president we have had in the last 220 years.

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You call this a car culture?

A recent poll finds that most Americans would be willing to pay higher taxes for less congested roads. You have to hand it to the American people for thinking of the immediate benefit to their own welfare. Let's change the rallying cry to: "No taxation with traffic congestion!" We may not want universal health care, but we'll certainly take universal ease of commute.

Verbal Jazz happily rides the Commuter Rail to Boston every day to beat roadway congestion. Although soon, Verbal Jazz, who has very little use for arbitrary flexes of authority, will be subject to random bag searches on this same commuter rail. Checking my bag is not going to stop a terrorist from driving into the city and leaving a bomb to detonate in a parking garage or some other random place. I'll assume that the police conducting these searches are not checking to see whether I have photo equipment, dirty socks or a notebook filled with scribbles that end up on Verbal Jazz.

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Leading by example

Mere days after the handover of Iraqi sovereignty, Saddam Hussein was brought before an Iraqi judge today to hear charges being brought against him: you know standard fare for dictators like war crimes and genocide. On the flipside, it took over two years for the Supreme Court to rule that Guantanamo Bay detainees (or "enemy combatants") are entitled to legal representation along with some access to the courts. That's right, folks, democracy is all about testing how far you can abuse the system until the checks and balances kick in.

For his part Saddam was brought into the court looking like a college professor about to lose tenure over some indiscretion as opposed to the wandering homeless look he assumed in his now famous "spider hole." Saddam also defiantly claimed to still be president of Iraq. Once shown the reports of the chaos in his former dictatorship, Saddam is reported to have said, "Never mind, let the US keep it. Any other countries in need of a President? I have plenty of experience."

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