Great journalistic plans laid to waste

I'm so sorry. Verbal Jazz had great plans to offer extensive and groundbreaking coverage of the transfer of Iraqi sovereignty today, but those plans were nullified by the early and secret transfer of two days ago. In keeping with established journalistic practices, Verbal Jazz was going to even forge the dateline: BAGHDAD, IRAQ. As fate would have it, any attempt Verbal Jazz would have made to provide a larger context for Iraqi sovereignty is now ruined. Thus I'll have to report that Verbal Jazz was brought to a Tupperware party yesterday. It seems so banal, Tupperware, when compared with Iraqi sovereignty, but sovereignty isn't new, Verbal Jazz and Tupperware is new. Actually, the Missus Jazz is a great believer in any kind of container: a Tupperware is like finding that there is a god and that god keeps everything neat and organized. The Tupperware presenter did admit to having a house of Tupperware, which left Verbal Jazz wondering if fixing the roof of her house is as easy as popping on a new lid.

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Laura, who do I call to get rid of those homeless people out there?

While in DC over the weekend, Verbal Jazz and the Missus Jazz happened upon the unfurling of the AIDS Quilt. It was actually quite powerful to hear the names being read and watching as the quilt was unfurled. One volunteer noticed me taking pictures and asked that I send her some.

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But they're bad guys...they don't get any rights

The Supremes overwhelmingly overruled the Bush White House doctrine of "innocent until proven, no, well, you're just guilty" with regard to "enemy combatants." In other words the court decided that detainees can challenge their status before a third party and thus have access to a lawyer. Upon hearing news of the decision, Vice President Cheney was asked to refrain from telling any members of the Court to go fuck themselves, as the administration might need the Court again in November. Cheney planned only to issue an epithets to Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, John Paul Stevens, and David Souter because "those assholes are never on the correct side, anyway."

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I wish I thought to say that

Verbal Jazz has told numerous people to "go fuck yourself" over the years and finds that it never is as satisfying as what you come up with a half hour later when the heat of the moment has died down. On that note, here are the things that Dick Cheney actually wished he had said to Patrick Leahy
* go eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's and then whine about them being sold out to corporate interests
* go milk a cow
* Take the Long Trail home
* You're less significant than Howard Dean
* Watch it, buster, or I'll weaken environmental regulations, as the energy commission advised, just to make sure all the smog gets sent to Vermont

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Verbal Jazz faces a moral dilemma and says, "Fuck it!"

Like most news sources of actual reputation, Verbal Jazz has labored long and hard over whether to print the epithet that Vice President Dick (pardon me, but is his name a description of his character?) Cheney said to Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT): "Go fuck yourself." There, we've done it. Our reason for doing so has nothing to do with responsible journalism; we did it because it titillates us so, and because it will increase our search engine rankings on the following:
* "Go fuck yourself"
* "fuck yourself cheney"
* "fuck leahy"
* "verbal jazz go fuck yourself" and
* "example of responsible leadership cheney"

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Improving the level of discourse daily

Because his recent use of the F-Bomb toward Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) felt so good, Vice-President Dick Cheney plans to drop an F-Bomb toward all Democratic Senators from non-battleground states. This week, Cheney will stick it to Ted Kennedy (D-MA) but will save one for Hilary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) for the time of the Republican Convention so as to provide the greatest upswing for the Republican Party heading into November.

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We'll hand it over now, but you can keep our troops for as long as you need

While interim frequently means "riding out the string" (as in a coach who takes over after a team has fired one coach and before they can go after someone they really want), it has been noted that the keys to sovereignty have been handed over to the interim Iraqi government, so that Paul Bremmer could get in a round of golf before the crazy July 4 rush. No, wait, the sovereignty date fake-out was to thwart any plans that insurgents had to draw attention to themselves as opposed to their newfound sovereignty (one crazy, stupid man's freedom fighter is another, more rational man's terrorist and in-between we'll just call them insurgents). Think about that, the country is so unstable that it takes a red-herring to make sure that the insurgents do not steal the show. In this vein, the Democratic National Convention will convene this week in order to avoid protests from the cops, the Greens, Massachusetts Commuters , etc.

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Mini Break for Verbal JAzz

Verbal Jazz plans to visit our nation's capitol this weekend for the first time ever...and will not be posting on Friday. While in Washington, I am planning a one-man protest march on the Mall calling for US Troops to leave US now!

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If you can't beat 'em, mask 'em

Due to the sudden surge in popularity of both Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, President Bush and Senator Kerry have both begun to campaign in masks that bear the visage of these former presidents. Next week, however, Bush plans to revert to his normal campaign mode: Dick Cheney will be wearing the Bush mask and speaking for the president.

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What Would Ronald Reagan Do? (WWRRD) movement gains momentum

Congressional bill (H. 1445-57) seeks to define all forward legislative initiatives by whether or not late president Ronald Reagan would have approved. The bill's sponsor, John Hutchins (R-IL) explains the legislation thusly, "We should not ignore the incredible contribution that Ronald Reagan made to this country. This bill would also empower any future Democratic majority to lean on the Reagan legacy."

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Let the people decide

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney further indoctrinates himself as a member of the Society for Elliptical Reasoning (tm) when he describes as "Playing politics" the Massachusetts Senate vote to hold a special election should John Kerry win the White House. Apparently the "people" should decide only when the governor perceives they will agree with him on issues such as gay marriage.

On the other hand, would the Democratic state legislature even consider holding a special election with a Democrat in the corner office?

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Verbal Jazz exclusive poll: Reagan and Clinton tied in 2004 presidential contest

Verbal Jazz conducted an exclusive poll, the results of which show that Bill Clinton, on the strength of his recent book release, and Ronald Reagan on the strength of his recent funeral, are both tied in the 2004 presidential race. Meanwhile the actual candidates, President Bush and (can we stop saying presumptive) Democratic Nominee Kerry are both in single digits behind Reagan and Clinton. "[Reagan and Clinton] are showing a significant gloss on their records due to recent events," said Political Scientist Harmon Walflat. "Sooner or later, the American people are going to have to wake up and realize that we have to choose between the geniot in the corner office and the insufferable blowhard who wants to take his place. In ten years however, we'll remember both more fondly."

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The Grecian Formula Guv on chaos theory -- our new inductee into the Society for Elliptical Reasoning(tm)

Massachusetts Grecian Formula Guv (Mitt Romney) is in Washington, D.C. today to argue for a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage. Coincidentally, Lt. Governor Kerry Healy has not called on the Governor to step down because he is ignoring his day job while serving as a right-wing hack. Romney will essentially argue that gay marriage has thrown Massachusetts into chaos, an assertion that earns Romney an induction into the Society for Elliptical Reasoning, since his own administration has been behind most of the chaos in an attempt to stop gay marriage from happening: upholding a 1913 law not allowing marriages to out-of-state couples that would not be recognized by the couples' home state, attempting to ram an amendment to the Massachusetts State Constitution, various other means.

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A Connecticut Governor cries for help

Connecticut Governor John Rowland announced his resignation yesterday, amid allegations of financial impropriety and a pending impeachment trial by the Connecticut legislature. Verbal Jazz has interviewed a team of psychoanalysts and discovered that Rowland's improprieties are the direct result of being the governor of Connecticut. "Mr. Rowland was unchallenged being the governor of this state," reads one report. "In fact, once Hartford lost the Patriots and the Whalers, there was nothing the governor could do. Trading favors for financial gain is just a cry for help." Verbal Jazz proposes that the state of Connecticut give Rowland a big group hug.

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Clinton autobiography to undergo title change

Satire

Bill Clinton's autobiography, "My Life" is due to undergo a title change for its second printing. The new title? "Because I Could: Politics and Sex in the White House." According to the book's publisher, Morris Wilton, there has been significant journalistic mileage behind Clinton's assertion that his affair with former intern, Monica L. (name withheld to protect the innocent) was simply, "Because I Could." "We need to do better than simply justify a ten-million dollar book signing, we need to sell books," said Wilton, "and this title change will accomplish that feat and bring in the casual reader who may be interested in reliving the whole blue dress and cigar scenario. Besides, the current title sounds like that of a high school blogger who hasn't quite learned that their quest for a prom date is wholly uninteresting."

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Geniot: New Verbal Jazz Glossary Item

Geniot: n. a person of questionable intelligence who assumes an air of superior intelligence.

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Verbal Jazz Exclusive: Travel Brochure for Democratic Convention Delegates

Dear Democrats, even though it is over a month away, we would like to welcome you to the city of Boston:


We hope you will take in the sites while you are here, such as the glorious Zakim Bridge


While we were supposed to have remnants of the Big Dig taken down, we though you might enjoy their "historical significance"


While here, you will also have the opportunity to enjoy our finer establishments


We'll make sure the windows are washed


And the riff-raff will be far away (for security reasons, of course, wink, wink)


And we'll even charge the protestors for the hardhats they'll need in the special protest zone to make up for the cost overruns


We'll even do our best to make sure no one mistakes you as the party of gay marriage by removing any inconvenient recognition of it (faster than you can say Big Dig)



Now, aren't you glad you're not convening in this oversized computer scanner?


All in all...we hope your stay in Boston is an enjoyable one.

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Six degrees of 9/11

Believe it or not: the 9/11 Commission says that Iraq had nothing to do with the plot…yet the administration continues to insist that Iraq had an al-Qaeda connection. By the logic used to prove this connection (Saddam apparently met with Osama in 1994) Iraq also had a Donald Rumsfeld connection...because, you see, Rummy met with Saddam way back in the day. Therefore, if there is a connection between Rummy and Saddam, and between Saddam and Osama, then the Bush administration is linked to al-Qaeda: we have terrorists in the White House!

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If you could, uh, endorse my campaign despite all that capital punishment and war stuff

It appears that President Bush sought the support of the Pope on his recent trip to the Vatican. According to campaign staffers, Bush figured that if he can have the support of the Governor of John Kerry's home state (a Republican Mormon), then he should be able to have the support of the leader of Kerry's Religion. "It's a no-brainer," Bush apparently said. Next, Bush plans to enlist the support of Theresa Heinz-Kerry.

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Nominee for the Society for Elliptical Reasoning (tm) - Massachusetts Lt. Governor Kerry Healy

Welcome to the Society for Elliptical Reasoning (tm) Lt. Governor Healy, for playing politics in suggesting that Senator John Kerry step down because he is missing Senate votes while trying to complete his Vision Quest for the Presidential Election this November. The Lt. Governor knows that in stepping down, Senator Kerry (Healy, perhaps?) would be granting the Republican Grecian Formula Governor of Massachusetts the right to appoint a Republican to fill his Senate seat. Besides, the very concerned Lt. Governor has not said that the President should step down while he runs for re-election and surely there are weapons "programs" he has neglected to state as casus belli. The last Presidential candidate to give up his day job was Bob Dole (1996) and that led to Viagra commercials.

John Kerry in Viagra commercial: "Hi, I'm John Kerry, and when I find that the inability to, and the lack of desire to become connubial with my current spouse, as opposed to the one I divorced many years ago, intersect, I run, without the thought of walking, skipping or crawling, to my medicine chest, at any one of my ostentatious residences, which is the great thing about marrying a woman with a great endowment of wealth, and grab my Viagra, so that I can again reclaim my manhood, but not in that tough guy kind of way, but rather in the sensitive romantic leading man kind of way."

The Verbal Jazz Society for Elliptical Reasoning (tm) recognizes those individuals who craft arguments that are so self-contradictory that no one can reasonably take said argument at face value (e.g. we know there are weapons, even though there is no evidence of weapons, so we have to go to war).

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Still Under God...unless we find out that god really is a giant turtle

The Supreme Court ruled today that it cannot rule in the "Pledge of Allegiance" case in which the phrase "Under God" is contested, because the father who brought the case does not have custody of the child in question, and thus no right to sue over the Pledge. One more time: they took the case, but decided they couldn't rule on the case because, well, never mind. Tomorrow the Supreme Court is expected to rule that they do not have the authority to rule on any other cases...hoping to dodge the Supreme Court as an election issue. Expect legislation to be filed that recognizes the god that we are supposedly under as the Judeo-Christian god, and not one from the Greco-Roman or any other of those other pagan pantheons.

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Bush switches teams

After spending the past week trying to live in the shadow of Ronald Reagan, President Bush today praised former President Clinton's "energy and joy" at the unveiling of Clinton's official portrait. Bush, upon realizing that Clinton is still alive, was visibly surprised. "I thought only the dead ones got portraits," Bush said. Later, Bush would not admit that his praise of Clinton was a mistake, prompting conservative columnists everywhere to experience an out of body experience.

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Held over for a second week

The Ronald Reagan Victory Funeral Tour making stops in Berlin, Germany; Washington, D.C.; and...oh, wait...sorry, we’ll just take down the flyers.

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Reagan Miracle #14,736

One in a series of miracles attributed to the late former President

Jon Boyd of Muncie, IN writes to Verbal Jazz that he was watching "Knute Rockne, All American" and "what appeared to be a young [Ronald] Reagan seemed to take over the character George Gipp. He even said, 'win one for the Gipper' on his death bed. That was so creepy, that President Reagan could just take over a film like that. It has to mean something."

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Yes, your Majesty, whatever you so desire

What do you make of the idea that the Grand Inquisitor (Ashcroft) finding legal loopholes that would allow the President to authorize excessive force (commonly referred to as torture) in suspect interrogation? Next they will be finding a loophole in the Constitution that would allow Bush to claim sovereignty somewhere around October 30 of this year...a decision that will be upheld by the Supreme Court along strict party lines.

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Reagan Miracle #74

One in a series of miracles attributed to to the late former President

Retroactive to 1980 -- That was the year that both the US Olympic Hockey team defeated the USSR in order to advance to the Gold Medal round in the Winter Olympics AND it was the year that Reagan was first elected to the White House. Hmmmmmm

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A vital film that will revitalize the art of filmmaking...

Into the cannon of important groundbreaking films comes "Garfield: the Movie." Let me get this straight, the absolute laziest comic strip in the world is now a movie? A biopic of the late president Garfield would probably be a better time.

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Meanwhile...back at Kerry Campaign headquarters

Verbal Jazz predicts: look for a rash of Kerry campaign staffers having babies around early-to-mid March.

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Documented Reagan Miracle # 2,155

One in a continuous series of miracles attributed to the late President

The jar of Jelly Bellies on the desk of Jerry Hornhauser of Wilmington Delaware has not lost any jelly beans in the past five days. Hornhauser admits to not having eaten any jelly beans in the past few days, but finds the full jar on his desk "spooky" nonetheless.

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What to do when your own candidate can't speak in complete sentences...

The George W. Bush re-election site features a tribute to Ronald Reagan.

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In tribute to Reagan

The U.S. Flag...
The Massachusetts State Flag...

...the LBGA flag?

image taken at Boston's City Hall

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Tryouts for "Protest Idol"

These picket sign holders are hoping to gain national recognition as the winner of the latest Fox reality drama: "Protest Idol." They were also secretly told that the Democratic National Convention started this week.

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Documented Reagan Miracle #412

One in a continuous series of miracles attributed to the late President

Instead of making claims that Reagan is selling arms to Satan in order to fund freedom fighters in Purgatory, the "liberal media" has been taking a sobering, thoughtful look at the Reagan presidency.

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Documented Reagan Miracle # 63

One in a continuous series of miracles attributed to the late president

Verbal Jazz has managed to verify that, yes, it is morning in America.

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Verbal Jazz predicts...

Look for a movement to bring Reagan to the half-dollar (to replace Kennedy) ...or the $20 bill...where every $20 you spend would leave you an extra $42 in debt.

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How dare you take a multi-faceted view, the man walked on water, or at least some kind of liquid

Conservatives implore media to focus on Reagan's magical, myth-like qualities rather than on the complicated person that our 40th President was. In that spirit, Verbal Jazz has learned that the spirit of Ronald Reagan is now thought to have cured thousands of people from remembering their own complicity in any wrongdoing.

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Bush urged not to select "spirit of Ronald Reagan" as running mate

Top advisers tell Bush that Ronnie's spirit would upstage the current president due to the recently deceased president's ability to actually speak clearly.

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Kerry takes week off from campaigning

Fears polls would show that Americans would prefer Ronald Reagan over the Massachusetts Senator. Americans everywhere are thankful to have week off.

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Verbal Jazz is officially declared a Reagan-Free Zone

Did somebody die this weekend? In the interest of downplaying the all-Reagan-all-the-time coverage, Verbal Jazz will refrain from paying tribute. Although, in this case it is much more difficult: you see, Verbal Jazz never pays tribute to politicians, but frequently pays tribute to actors. In looking through both the lens of history, and that of cinematic legacy, Verbal Jazz decided that Reagan might be better remembered as the man who implored Gorbachev to "tear down this wall" as opposed to the guy who starred in "Bedtime for Bonzo."

Now that Verrbal Jazz is a Reagan-Free Zone, and John Kerry is taking a week off of campaigning, what is Verbal Jazz to do?

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CIA Intelligence failures are deeper than imagined

Citing personal reasons, CIA Director George Tenet resigned yesterday after seven years on the job. Sources close to Tenet tell Verbal Jazz that they are unsure as to whether the true reason is the amount of blame thrust on Tenet in the wake of intelligence failures surrounding 9/11 and the war on Iraq, or if he was afraid on being grilled on intelligence failures that did not forecast Fantasia's stunning victory in "American Idol." In the CIA's favor, they did correctly ascertain that Ross and Rachel would wind up together.

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Yoooo-oooo cannot say, "Filth flarn, filth flarn"

Reverberations are still being felt over Bill Cosby's speech delivered at a benefit honoring the fiftieth anniversary of Brown v. Board of Education. Cosby essentially assailed lower income African-Americans for having poor grammar and even worse lifestyle choices. Cosby is being portrayed as either an elitist snob or someone revealing hard truths. Verbal Jazz notes that Cosby is merely progressing to that advanced stage of his life where he gets to be a cranky and cantankerous old man who consistently complains about the younger generations. This is known as the "kidstodaydontknownothin" stage, and commonly afflicts men over the age of sixty. Verbal Jazz is greatly looking forward to that stage of his own life.

Special prize for anyone who can tell me where the title of this post comes from

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Neither Kerry nor Bush plan to make it a campaign destination

Iraq gets a new interim government and Ghazi al-Yawar gets to be president as they prepare to be handed the keys to the kingdo, er, democracy on June 30. As part the sovereignty, Verbal Jazz has discovered that the interim government petitioned the US to grant them the right to vote in November's US Presidential election. In a passage of the letter to President Bush leaked to Verbal Jazz, the members of the Interim Government seek to "actively participate in this American-style democracy you so claimed that we needed; we deserve the opportunity to have a say in who will be the leader of our occupying force." The Supreme Court is already scheduled to hear arguments on voting irregularities in Iraq two days after the election, so they can "nip this thing in the bud before it becomes another Bush v. Gore." Catherine Harris has not yet been asked to oversee the voting in Iraq.

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There hasn't been a candidate this inept since Dukakis

Miller's ad campaign for the "President of Beers" is so weak that even Budweiser, the target of the "satire" in this ad campaign, has developed an ad pointing out how inept it is. For those not in the know: Miller has been running an ad campaign based on the premise that the Budweiser slogan "King of Beers" is un-American. To that end they have featured presidential debates between a Clydesdale and a Miller's candidate calling for Miller to be voted "President of Beers." The candidate that "stars" in these ads is so obnoxious and clueless that any satiric potential is essentially negated. The underlying theme is that anyone who drinks Miller (and would actually vote it "president") are so ridiculously stupid that they would drink or vote for anyone. President Bush has apparently locked up the Miller vote.

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Moral Relativism -- It works for everyone

Verbal Jazz will abandon the "Mallard Fillmore" War Watch after seeing Mallard insist that the media over-indulged in the Abu-Ghraib prison torture photo-ops, and while paying short shrift to the Nick Berg beheading. Essentially Mallard's argument is that Abu-Ghraib is not as bad as what those terrorists do to our people (such as Berg). Ironically, this is the kind of moral relativism that "Mallard Fillmore" frequently laments in today's society.

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Can U Keep a Secret?

Ahmed Chalabi, once the White House's man to take over Iraq, had reportedly told an Iranian official that the US had cracked their code. Verbal Jazz sources reveal that coded messages that the US has missed out on are: "Gurlz R YUCKY," and "What's Up?" and maybe some stuff about actual (as opposed to imagined) weapons programs.

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Visual Jazz: Fenway Park, May 27, 2004

Hey, guys, we're best friends


I don't like you anymore, I'm leaving

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Establishing Fair Gas Prices

Guest Editorial -- Horace T. Winwax, III

As I was fueling my vehicle the other day, I noticed that I was paying a larger summation of cash than I normally pay for the fuelation of my vehicle. It struck me that this happens to be very wrong. After some research I discovered that gasoline prices have indeed been rising past for the past few months.

It's absolutely shameful that, in a country as supposedly free as ours, we would need to be paying for gasoline at all. It's not as though there is a limited supply of gasoline, despite the protest stations of all those enviro-weenies. I've been hearing about this so-called limited supply for years, yet I still can fuel up my vehicle any time I want.

After fueling, I was pulled over on the highway apparently for going too fast. I explained to the officer that I was enraged about the high gas prices, and how speeding tickets are not about enforcing highway safety, but about creating a new revenue stream for the government, or a way to even more greatly taxate the individual. This overpaid functionary of the state handed me a ticket anyway.

The laws that govern speeding are just as shameful as those that ensure that we have to pay for our gasoline. A baseball pitcher can throw a spherical rock at upwards of 90 M.P.H. without being pulled over, he is even Lorded for this accomplishment, yet I am not allowed to drive my vehicle above 65 M.P.H. Absurd. If I have to observe a speed limit, so should a baseball pitcher: 35 M.PH. in a residential zone like Fenway park.

By enforcing speed limits in baseball, we can see how ridiculous speed limits are on the highway and how speeding tickets and gasoline are unfair burdens on taxpayers. Those of us that drive on America's highways should have free and available gasoline on an as-wanted basis and be allowed to drive our vehicles as we wish. In protest, I will refuse to mow my lawn for the entire summer, or until gasoline is free, as it should be.

Horace T. Winwax III is the founder of the Winwax Association for Cultural Knowledge. His opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Verbal Jazz, but his opinions tend not to reflect much, anyway.

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Rickshaws: one way to beat rising gas prices

Satire

Rising gas prices have had an unintended consequence in the automobile sales market: high-end customers are trading in their Hummers for rickshaws.

"It's basically an economic decision," said Steve Braeton of Solomon's Rickshaw. Hummer drivers are sick and tired two dollars and fifty cents just to drive 6 miles. Besides, the rickshaw is really a status symbol. By hiring a barefoot man to wheel you to and from work speaks to your place in the world."

The only real complaint from new rickshaw owners is that the commute seems to be a little slower. "I'm thinking of investing in a second driver," said Carlton Rucker one customer who traded in his Hummer H2 for a rickshaw. "But then for the price of two drivers, I might as well buy my Hummer back."

Both the Kerry and Bush campaigns praised the surge in rickshaws as a "healthy means of reducing our dependence on foreign oil" (Kerry) and "sign that this nation is committed to finding alternative fuels that help in the war on terror."

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