Meet Max

Verbal and Missus Jazz will be greeting a nephew this fall. The only problem that we can foresee is that "Max" looks a bit too much like his father.

Also, Verbal Jazz has concocted a rather unfortunate nickname for "Max" that will torment him throughout his life...

Photo montage courtesy of Ryan and Lara Miyahira.

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Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week

Adapted from the Verbal Jazz Newsletter: sign up in the newsletter box on the right

The wrath of god has been unleashed: giant tidal waves, tornadoes, and a new ice age. Could it be that the wrath of god has been unleashed in the wake of gay marriage or is it just the plot of "The Day After Tomorrow," the science fiction film intended to spark a debate about global warming. Already global warming deniers are accusing it of being "junk science" while climate change purists claim that it's fiction will hopefully get us talking about very real threats to the environment. Apparently it's just a mediocre film, with a lot of special effects and a tepid human interest story thrown in the midst.

No good deed goes unpunished: Verbal Jazz suffered a few calamities of his own this week. My home computer contracted a rather bizarre virus, and I went to the Red Sox game last night, only too see them down 12-0 in the fourth inning. And no, I was not reviewing pornographic materials when the virus infected my computer. So why do I think god is punishing me? Well, because I accept god as a micromanager, and I may have said some things in support of gay marriage and supported a woman's right to choose.

If I give you a burger would you at least let me touch the button? John Kerry thought about not accepting the Democratic Nomination at the Democratic Convention, so he could get more money, bit that was not the most bizarre presidential campaign story this week. A recent poll discovered that most Americans feel that the sitting president has that most presidential of qualities: he seems like he would be better to have a backyard burger barbecue with. Yes, "regular guy" qualities have become an important indicator in our presidential election. You know, how Lincoln was a regular guy, or Franklin Roosevelt. Could you imagine having a barbecue with the president in with your back yard crawling with secret service agents? Verbal Jazz is also a regular guy. Be sure to vote for me in 2008.

"Mallard Fillmore" war watch: Mallard did use one strip this week to comment on the abuses at Abu-Ghraib, accusing the news media (Peter Jennings in particular) of sensationalizing the issue by showing the pictures.

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Verbal Jazz plays a key role

John Kerry decided that he will accept the Democratic Nomination at the Convention this year, instead of waiting the five weeks until the Republican Convention. Verbal Jazz played a key role in this decision with his scathing commentary regarding this proposed asinine maneuver.

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Terror-palooza Tour to go through Boston, Washington, and others

Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid, revealed today that there are indications that terrorists are planning to strike at some big event this summer. So, would a successful attack at the Democratic National Convention, say, be remembered as fondly as Woodstock is 35 years later?

Be prepped for a terror alert color change soon.

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All that’s missing is the PowerPoint presentation

President Bush outlined a 5-point strategy for Iraq last night, which includes a symbolic destruction of the Abu Ghraib prison.

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Fixing the Democrats

Guest Editorial - Horace T. Winwax III

It has come to my attention that residents of the city of Boston, and those who work in said city will be forced to deal with a nuisance known as the Democrats this summer. I would not wish the Democrats on anyone, but if I were to wish them on anyone, it would be on the people of the city of Boston. After all, Boston has been a reliable Democratic stronghold since the Pilgrims landed on that rock in Boston Harbor and brought civilization with them.

That's enough history, we need to focus on the present. If Boston were more reliably Republican, then the Democrats wouldn't even exist and thus the Democratic convention would be held in an empty Fleet Center. Besides who, besides Democrats would want to celebrate in a town that offers marriage licenses to anyone who walks in off the street? I mean, if I were not married to Mrs. Winwax, I could conceivably be married to a Democrat!

As usual, I have a much better insight as to how to rectalfy the situation: place all the Democrats on a barge, and set them afloat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean until they decide upon their nominee, Ted Kennedy runs out of alcohol, or they run aground in France, whichever comes last.

I have no love for France since they fought side by side along Iraqi troops in that war we recently fought. In fact, I guarantee the outrage over those photos from the Abu Dhabi prison would have been less outrage if people actually knew that some of those prisoners were French. I mean, the French love wearing women's underwear on their heads and having dogs sniff their privates: that's why the Iraqis won't admit that the French are on their side.

So, the ultimate solution for Bostonians faced with the Democratic convention is to simply ship all Democrats to France, where they can nominate whomever they like and sip all the bored-o whine they like and eat French Fries without Freedom.

Horace T. Winwax III is the founder of the Winwax Association for Cultural Knowledge. His opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Verbal Jazz, but it can be said that Mr. Winwax comes to his opinions honestly.

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How to make friends and alienate a core constituency

Let me get this straight: Verbal Jazz, and the rest of the state of Massachusetts have been working diligently to either plan a vacation or stock up on bottled water, non-perishable foods, camping stove equipment, flashlights and candles, in anticipation of the Democratic National Convention hitting Boston this summer...and John Kerry might not even accept the nomination then! So he can wait to raise more money? So, we in Eastern Massachusetts may be putting our lives on hold so the Democrats can have a suit-and-tie love-in? Is Kerry trying to push the good people of Massachusetts so far that we may actually vote for four more years of idiotic war mongering in the name of "freedom" and the "war on terror" neither of which has been adequately explained by the current administration?

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Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week

adapted from the weekly newsletter

Curfew: Verbal Jazz just found out that he, and the rest of the state of Massachusetts, will be under virtual house arrest during the Democratic National Convention. So far the security plan calls for a curfew within fifty miles of the convention site, and residents within that fifty mile radius will be allowed to stretch their limbs from 7:15 am to 7:25 am. The rest of the time we will be force to be inside. According to state officials, they may also close off the "information superhighway" in addition to the regular highways going into and out of Boston. Presumably this is to keep people like I photographed on May 19 away from the Fleet Center (The photo was taken just outside of the Fleet Center).

The emptiness: In addition to the Democratic Convention upsetting my life for a whole week, the rest of the world is turning upside down: first "Friends" and now "Frasier" have both said, "Good-bye." But it hasn't felt real until just now, the void left by their departure. I've built a whole life around watching these shows, and now this. This emptiness will fill me for a long time. I'm inconsolable.

Hangman: Accountability! You can bank on it. This week, the first of the Abu-Ghraib Courts Martial led to a guilty plea, a one year sentence, a demotion, and a dishonorable discharge for the army for Jeremy Sivits. Tough day, especially after conceding to a plea bargain. I keep wanting to call him Sivits cat, but that is my own digression. In the "Mallard Fillmore" war watch, Mallard once again avoids any war commentary, instead focusing on a high numbers of students who admit to cheating. Groundbreaking commentary there. The cause for all this cheating? Liberal educators, of course. Even for Mallard this argument is a bit of a stretch. But where is the war? This all leads to one word that would hang up George W. in a game of "Hangman:" "quagmire." He wouldn't be able to recognize the possibility that the word exists.

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Just trying to help

This guy came up to me and asked me to take his picture, because he is going to one day be famous. I snapped it, and promised to help. Here's to fame.

I was out taking pics of the Big Dig take down...

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RIP Tony Randall and Elvin Jones

One was a star of a sitcom (you know the one about the anal neat freak and the slob) with a classic jazzy theme that anyone can hum. In all of my roommate situations, I have been known as the "Oscar" (i.e. the slob).

The other was the drummer for the John Coltrane Quartet at the height of its power. Elvin Jones' drum solo on 1964's "A Love Supreme" is not to be missed. In fact, Verbal Jazz regards "A Love Supreme" as one of the best musical recordings ever made, if not the best. Verbal Jazz did once see Elvin Jones at the Blue Note in NYC a few years ago.

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Some Mid-Life Crisis

After turning forty many men do something like buying a Porsche or shacking up with a twenty-something trophy girlfriend. Randy Johnson (aka The Big Unit) pitches a perfect game.

For those of you who do not like, watch or care about baseball. A perfect game is very rare, only happening 15 times since 1900. More rare than leap-year day.

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Verbal Jazz Note

The photographs posted today all come from City Hall
Plaza in Boston. Verbal Jazz took advantage of the
opportunity to photograph the demonstrations
surrounding "Opening Day" for gay marriage.

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This is what passes for tyranny these days?

Obviously she has never been arrested, hooded, driven to an undisclosed location to appear before an unnamed judge who pronounced her guilty and then had her executed for undisclosed crimes against the government. That would be judicial tyranny.

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Ah, someone'll clean it up

note the horse poo

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This migh not be the best time, but what are you doing Friday?

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I am...I am Superman

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No donut jokes

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Off to the honeymoon!

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City Hall employees on their lunch break

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Can't we just agree to disagree?

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Congratulations

Note the sign behind the newly married man (left) and the man congratulating him.

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Is this iambic pentameter?

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Now, wait until you hear what I do in my bedroom!

This gentleman was obsessed with gay sexual practices such as fisting. Not as though heterosexuals do not practice fisting.

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Can we get a kneeler here?

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If no one will marry us, no one will marry them

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Send in the clowns

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Dreaming of the Registry of Motor Vehicles

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Strengthening My Marriage

Guest Editorial - Horace T. Winwax III

Being that this is a momentous day and that gay marriage has just become legal in Massachusetts, I thought it might be time to weigh in on this subject and discuss the relative merits of this situation.

I wouldn't necessarily wish marriage on anyone, especially my own. My wife always screams at me, "Horace! You're wearing my panties again!" or "Horace! Eat your vegetables!" I mean could you imagine a couple that was TWO wives? They would do their best to out-nag each other. Besides, if all of the available women are getting married to one another, where does that leave me when I have to replace Mrs. Winwax? At least before, if a woman wanted to get married and have a woman on the side, that was doable, but, now, this is so confusing.

Now, don't let my wife fool you, we do not sleep in the same room because of my snoring, we do not sleep in the same room because, I, Horace T. Winwax III made the executive decision that I no longer wanted to see my wife's unattractive morning face. That is really not a good way to begin the day, looking at that. Yech.

This gay marriage thing may very well be a boon, to we men of class and culture, however, as it will likely lead to polygamy. Although, I am not the least bit excited about the prospect of two Mrs. Winwaxes who would be forced to sleep in separate rooms because, I cannot stomach their morning face. Although, if one Mrs. Winwax were prettier, then that would be okay. Unless, of course, the two Mrs. Winwaxes wanted to be Mrs. and Mrs. and leave me out of it. Of course, if the two Mrs. Winwaxes wanted to provide a show for me, I wouldn't mind it, unless, of course one of the two Mrs. Winwaxes was the current Mrs. Winwax. Therefore, I would need a third Mrs. Winwax. This is so confusing.

The long and short of it is: I am all for gays getting married as long as they do it in the Church of Satan, because Jesus hated everyone who wasn't Christian, I'm told, and, obviously, homosexuals are not Christian. Unitarian, maybe, but not Christian. If gays are really going to hell, then the Church of Satan is the perfect starting point. You're already halfway there, why not make it easy on god when you die by starting your marriage with a curse?

Horace T. Winwax III is the founder of the Winwax Institute for Cultural Change in America (WICCA). His views do not necessarily reflect those of Verbal Jazz, or anyone else for that matter.

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Happy Anniversary Brown v. Board of Education

Verbal Jazz would be remiss if he didn't mention the
Supreme Court ruling that said, in effect, "What kind
of propaganda is 'separate but equal?'" The (planned?)
coincidence of this anniversary falling on the day
that Gay Marriages became recognized by Massachusetts
gave President Flyboy the opportunity to both fly to
Topeka to commend the Brown decision and renew his
call for a Constitutional Amendment to ban same-sex
marriage on the same day.

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Happy Wedding Day!

Verbal Jazz would like to congratulate all of who are getting married today in Massachusetts. I hope it was worth the wait. Verbal Jazz did take some photos at Boston's City Hall this morning (I was the photographer without the press pass). A couple of the protesters looked as though they had better things to do with their time, such as taking anti-psychotics, but hey, who am I to judge?

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Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week

Once again, before Verbal Jazz launches into the general lunacy...

It had the makings of the kind of satire that you might see on Verbal Jazz...an American goes looking for work in the burgeoning Iraqi job market because he could find nothing at home. Alas, it ended tragically when Nicholas Berg was brutally beheaded while the cameras kept rolling. A piece of commentary I read postulated that this kind of behavior from terrorists is the reason we are in Iraq to begin with, but I that sounds more like a convenient excuse to back a war that gets more out of control as time passes. Nor do I buy that Berg's killing was the proper retaliatory response for what went on in Abu Ghraib. Perhaps the most telling sign that the situation in Iraq is a mess is that "Mallard Fillmore" spent all week mocking the fish-in-a-barrel-shot that is Air America (the liberal radio network) and none examining the hubris that made our leaders predict that Americans would be walking the streets of Baghdad on palm fronds.

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Now, for the general lunacy

Letting terrorists win: On Monday, Massachusetts will issue gay marriage licenses. There have been last minute attempts to stop this from happening. Verbal Jazz asks you: would terrorists be in favor of gay marriage? I didn't think so...therefore, those strongly opposed to gay marriage may be playing into the hands of terrorists!

It's all in the preparation: I don't know what is more disturbing, the fact that the LA Lakers are 4-0 after Kobe Bryant visits the courtroom, or the fact that ESPN thinks this is a newsworthy trend. This might encourage even more NBA stars to get involved in criminal prosecutions hoping that the courtroom drama will juice their game. When you've got lawyers; who needs steroids?

Beyond Belief: It looks as though Rummy will keep his job as the Secretary of Defense, after all. As a kid I always wondered why members of the Cabinet were called "secretary;" they never fetched coffee, and I never saw them type anything. Rummy was even told he is doing a "superb" job. I guess, "superb" to the President means ignoring human rights violations until the last possible minute...then passing the buck. In addition to Rummy's "superb" job, the president also believed that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and that Creationism is a science.

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Romney encourages Mass gay migration: With Gay Marriage ceremonies ready to start on Monday, the Grecian Formula Guv of Massachusetts plans to uphold an early 20th century law that states something along the lines of marriages not legal in states where the couple resides will not be performed in Massachusetts (i.e. no mixed race marriages for out of state couples). Apparently the governor wants more gays to move to Massachusetts where they can be married.

In other news, Anti-Gay activists have filed a court papers to block gay marriage ceremonies. Their next step will be to go to the ceremony and wait for the moment when the officiant says: "Does anyone know of any reason that this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony..."

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MPAA Rating: S for Senate: After seeing new pictures of the Abu Ghraib prison tortures, many members of the Senate have said they should not be released to the public. Apparently Senators who voted for the Iraq War Resolution now know what's best for the American people. Rumor is they will release the photos, but only in special adult bookstores.

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Guest Editorial - Horace T. Winwax

Reducing Tree Pollution

There is a gathering environmental threat that must be dealt with immediately before it sweeps this land - and it is not what you think: not smog, or acid rain, or even that supposed hole in the ozone layer. That threat is the annual pollen pollution caused by trees every spring.

Every spring I, and many other seasonal allergy sufferers, have to deal with the daily head clogging abundance of tree pollen in the air. If my experience serves as proof, the emissions posed by combustion engines pose less of a threat to the overall health of this nation than does tree pollen. I am forever blowing my nose, my head hurts when I bend over, I sneeze about a hundred times a day, and my car is covered with the fine dust of tree pollen every morning forcing me drive in my own nasal death trap.

While it may seem that my seasonal allergies are something that I simply have to live with, there is one easy solution: clear cutting. Through clear cutting our nation's forests will no longer pose an environmental threat. Through clear cutting, we can ensure that those suffering from seasonal allergies will have access to the cleanest air possible. Through clear cutting, we can take charge of our business climate and ensure that there are no drop offs in productivity caused by seasonal allergy attacks. Through clear cutting the timber industry could become a growth sector. Through clear cutting we can also reduce those forest fires that threaten our homes.

Now, some of you may argue that trees take in carbon dioxide and produce the oxygen we need to breathe - to which I say that you are a namby-pamby, tree-hugging, arboreal apologist - and most likely a terrorist to boot. That's right, you, Mr. Tree Hugger and bin-Laden are both nature boys, aren't you, he lives in the mountains and you worship trees.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that trees are evil incarnate and must be eliminated immediately. Without trees, our air will be cleaner and more breathable than ever before, and that would be a breath of fresh air.

Horace T. Winwax is chairman of the board for the Clear Cutting Society of America. His views do not necessarily reflect those of Verbal Jazz.

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Satire
Soldier thought she was in photo shoot: Pfc. Lynndie England, who has become the public face of the tortures committed at Abu-Ghraib, reportedly thought she was taking part in a photo shoot for a "prominent national magazine." Apparently England was very disappointed to find out that the magazine happened to be the New Yorker. Sources close to Pfc. England insist that she was hoping that the Abu-Ghraib photo shoot would launch her modeling career. "Would it have killed to have those photos in FHM or Maxim?" said the unnamed source.

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For the Verbal Jazz Glossary

Daubie: (pr. Daw-bee) Named for Boston Red Sox utility player, Brian Daubach. In baseball, when a player assumes a pitch is out of the strike zone for ball four and begins to walk toward first base before the umpire makes the call. Invariably, a close pitch is always called a strike.

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Explanation: Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou admitted to urinating on his hands to strengthen them. And Verbal Jazz already thought baseball players were a gross bunch.

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Rumsfeld apoligzes for "New York Minute." Embattled defense secretary testifies that there may be even worse Olsen twins films on the way.

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Highlights and Low Notes of the Week
The Verbal Jazz Weekly Newsletter

Before launching into the usual lunacy that is the Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week, I would like to express my gratitude to all of you who expressed your condolences at the passing of my grandmother last Friday.

Whenever I see a cardinal in the spring, I will be reminded of how she used to tell me that the cardinal is not a St. Louis Cardinal, but a Kentucky Cardinal that followed her to Massachusetts. She was born in Kentucky and raised in a Catholic orphanage; and moved to Brockton, MA in 1941. She embodied the kind of non-judgmental attitude toward people that is all too rare. She loved the Harley riders my aunt brought home, the garbage collectors and the career grocery baggers at the local supermarket. She will surely be missed.

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Now, for the usual lunacy

I can now rest easy knowing that Ross and Rachel end up together.

Oh, yeah, my bad! The president finally sings the chorus of R.E.M's "South Central Rain" ("I'm sorry"). Granted it was to King Abdullah of Jordan, and with regard to the inmate torture that went on in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. The conduct of those running Abu Ghraib gives new meaning to the Who line: "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss."

Everybody loves Rummy: Despite being chewed for allowing President Flyboy to hear about the Abu Ghraib tortures on television, the Secretary of Defense gets to keep his job with full support. Maybe Rummy'll humbly resign, but nothing Rummy does is humble. I was kind of looking forward to seeing his resume: "Oversaw US armed forces and didn't bother to read the reports that showed we were blowing the Geneva Conventions." Would you hire him?

Just one question left: who had the idea to photograph the whole scene at Abu Ghraib? "Okay, you, over there...thumbs up, now smile! I can't wait to show these to my grandkids!"

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Sign up for the newsletter on the left. Because I told you to. I am a guru with powers of mind control.

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King of comic timing, however unintentional: President Flyboy-in-Chief (372 days and counting since that mission was accomplished) decides to request an additional $25 billion, just as the details and photos of Iraqi prisoners being tortured at Abu Ghraib are coming to light. That should get a big old thumbs up from those prison guards!

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Let's hope this ad sticks: Major League Baseball plans to place ads on bases for a short time in June to promote the upcoming Spider-Man movie. Apparently, in the interest of protecting the integrity of the game, Major League Baseball would not allow Sony pictures to pack the bases with webbing designed to hold base runners in place.

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M-I-C-K-E-Y F-A-S-C-I-S-T: Apparently Disney has instructed subsidiary film company, Miramax, not to distribute the latest Michael Moore film "Fahrenheit 911" which is apparently critical of President Flyboy-in-Chief. If dope slaps were still in fashion, one would certainly go to the eggheads at Disney who may have neglected to realize that this kind of strong-arm tactic actually plays into Moore's hands. Seriously, does anyone dope-slap anymore? There are a few people I would like to dope-slap. Anyway, Moore relies on the confrontational politics and big corporations flexing their muscle to either ignore him or knock him down. Disney claims to want to promote a non-partisan image: perhaps next they will force Miramax to strike "The Cider House Rules" (Pro-choice themes) and "The Magdalene Sisters" (anti-Catholic themes) from its distribution list. Next Miramax will begin offering the kind of bland pap that its parent company offers...you know, the kind that refuses to admit that anything bad can happen in the world.

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Professional politician on a closed course; do not attempt: John Kerry took a tumble from his bicycle yesterday after hitting a patch of sand. That means we get to hear a week's worth of jokes about Kerry falling from a bicycle:

* He was leaning too far left and lost his balance.

* He was trying to balance two conflicting opinions and lost his balance.

* He wanted to test the reaction time for the Secret Service agents assigned to him.

* God was punishing him for his pro-choice politics.

* How can you expect a man so "unbalanced" to be president?

* What was he doing out on a bicycle, there's a presidential campaign going on?

If you happen to hear any of these things, Verbal Jazz wins a prize for picking out the obvious.

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