Satire
Kerry hits something over fence: In 1971, while playing a friendly backyard baseball game, John Kerry allegedly homered in the second inning. Asked about it afterward, Kerry said, "I managed to get a good swing at the baseball."

According to many eyewitnesses, the ball that was knocked over the fence in 1971 was not a baseball, but a tennis ball. Acting on behalf of all media, Verbal Jazz has taken an exhastive look at whether the ball was really a baseball or a tennis ball that Senator Kerry hit for a home run.

"Of course a tennis ball would have more initial pop from a weaker swing," said MIT physicist Dalton McLean. "The odds are that it was a tennis ball hit over the fence, given the distance traveled and the likelihood of John Kerry having exceptional baseball skills"

Through exhaustive research, Verbal Jazz discovered that Kerry once, in the mid 1980s described the ball as a "Wiffle Ball." "Obviously a Wiffle ball would not travel as far as a baseball or a tennis ball," said noted Wiffle ball historian Arthur Mendencamp. "For Kerry to have hit a Wiffle the distance he claims would be a feat worthy of, say, a Barry Bonds."

Senator Kerry does not deny that it was a tennis ball that he hit. "Look, back then a tennis ball was frequently used as a baseball," said Kerry, the presumptive Democratic nominee. "If a tennis ball was being used in this capacity, then we would refer to it as a 'baseball.' The phrases are really interchangeable as far as this game goes. I hit the home run, that should be the end of it."

The Bush campaign is not about to let it rest however. "Obviously Kerry is playing fast and loose here with baseball which is an American tradition," said Bush campaign strategist Chad Huntington. "President Bush owned a baseball team and has enormous respect for the game. John Kerry does not. For all we know, John Kerry was on steroids when he hit that home run which will even further taint it in the record books."

In speaking with witnesses at the scene, it seems there was a bit of confusion as to whether it really was Kerry who homered to lead off the second. "You mean, you want me to remember the details of a backyard baseball game played almost 33 years ago?" said Mark Masters. "It's not like we kept a box score." In the end, we may never know what happened on that summer afternoon in 1971.

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Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week

Note: this week's newsletter, delivered fresh to the inboxes of those on the Verbal Jazz mailing list. Sign up today.

Verbal Jazz officially has a new hobby: trying to become the most accidentally photographed person in the world. The idea is to get to a tourist trap and inconspicuously situate yourself in the background as a group of tourists is taking a picture. It works best with disposable cameras or with people who seem to have no use for focus. So, if you have taken a picture in Boston recently and noticed someone staring off into space in the background...you probably saw me.

This has also been an exciting week for the Supremes: they heard arguments regarding the Secret Agent Veep's Secret Energy Cabal AND on whether the detainees being held in Guantanamo Bay as "enemy combatants" are entitled to due process in order to determine whether or not they are criminals. If Cheney has nothing to hide then let's see who was at the meeting of the Secret Energy Cabal. Aye, there's the rub, the Secret Energy Cabal was designed to be secret so that Cheney could get unfiltered information with regard to energy policy. See the vicious circle, yet? It's secret because it needs to be yet if you have nothing to hide why should it be secret? Now, if those "enemy combatants" are guilty, wouldn't a trial bear that out? Or is there really not enough evidence to hold these people prisoner? Vicious circle two: if we bring these people to trial, then we hold them to be criminals, not soldiers in a "war on terror," unless, of course they are acquitted. Now where in the world is the country called "terror" located?"

On a more serious note, there has been a good deal of talk this week about Pat Tillman, the former Arizona Cardinals (football) player who left a few million on the table to go fight in Afghanistan after 9/11. Tillman died this past week and never ever wanted to be a "story," even going so far as to shun all interviews. Verbal Jazz even had a joke that fighting in a war would be better than playing for the Cardinals (for non-football fans: the Cardinals suck). Whatever one's views of the wars we have waged since 9/11, the fact that an athlete gave up millions of dollars in order to follow his convictions speaks volumes of the type of character that person is. Many other folks in the armed forces do not have to choose between a few million dollars to run around on a football field and their personal convictions.

That said, here is the matter at hand:

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The Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes
http://www.verbaljazz.com

* You can say mo-fo, you just can't write it out (April 23)
* Because we need to maintain the illusion that no one dies in a war (April 23)
* Every day I thank god for small victories (April 26)
* Visual Jazz: Verbal Jazz does an ad for the Bush Campaign (April 26)
* Denying Kerry (April 27)
* Weather threatens to dampen Kerry campaign: satire (April 28)
* Comcast decided not to run that Mickey Mouse company after all (April 29)
* Bush and Cheney to debut song and dance (April 29)
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Forward this to your friends, they will love you after all, because they will love Verbal Jazz.

Friends, if you have received this, sign up for the newsletter at http://www.verbaljazz.com.

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If you have received this message in error, or no longer wish to receive this newsletter please reply with a message that I will manage to find both offensive and dull. Or you could just simply write that you wish to unsubscribe. Verbal Jazz will still feel the love. We will.

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We step left and turn...on three: Bush and Cheney are scheduled to go before the 9/11 Commission today, without going under oath or having their testimony recorded. Popular opinion holds that the President and Vice-President do not want to be subject to perjury laws, nor do they want a public release of their testimony. Verbal Jazz has learned that Bush and Cheney have been working to perfect a song and dance routine with which they hope to wow the panel and gain admittance to a prestigious dance program. No word yet on what that song may be, but Verbal Jazz will keep you posted.

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Comcast decided it doesn't want to run that Mickey Mouse operation, after all. i.e. Comcast won't be buying Disney...Bad pun, I know, but resistance is futile.

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satire
Weather threatens to dampen Kerry campaign: Yesterday morning presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee John Kerry told a crowd of supporters that he hopes "the rain will soon clear." Later that same day, Kerry told a different crowd, "What a sunny and gorgeous day for campaigning."

Kerry's seemingly divergent views on the weather have had Republicans on the attack. "Obviously, John Kerry is inconsistent on the weather," said Vice-President Dick Cheney. "Can we really trust a candidate that can't decide whether it is rainy or sunny to lead the war on terror?"

For his part, Kerry claims he was taking a nuanced view of the weather: "Based on the circumstances that existed at the time, I made my best pronouncement as to the present condition of the weather in my then locale. Weather is, in and of itself, an unpredictable force that varies in condition throughout the day, therefore any remarks I make with regard to the weather are only for the time in which they are uttered. The Bush administration wants you to believe that the weather never changes!"

"This is just indicative of [Kerry's] wish to have it both ways," said Bush advisor Karen Hughes. "He flip-flops on everything else, so why not change his mind on the weather when opinion polls say that Americans prefer sunny days to rainy ones?"

In pundit circles, there is a general agreement that Kerry has brought it all on himself. "If Kerry had stuck to a consistent message throughout this campaign, then the weather conditions would hardly be an issue," writes blogger Gary Kloviak. "As it is the sunshine will probably cost Kerry the election in November."

In other news, Catholic Archbishop Raymond Burke, would deny the Sacrament to John Kerry based on the so-called Galileo Amendment to Canon Law. In a statement, Burke said Kerry should be denied the Sacrament and Excommunicated based on remarks that support the notion that the Earth does indeed travel around the sun.

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Denying Kerry: If the Catholic Church is so concerned about its teachings that certain Bishops would deny the Sacrament to Pro-Choice politicians, why have they not gone after pro Death Penalty politicians? Is the Church about to support the Death Penalty for women who choose to terminate a pregnancy under the motto: "Every unwanted child must have a chance for a fucked up life?"

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Verbal Jazz: Ad Copywriter for the Bush Campaign



My apologies to Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Every day I thank god for small victories: The Red Sox swept the Yankees in New York this weekend.

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Because we need to maintain the illusion that no one dies in a war: The Pentagon is apparently very upset over the release of photos of flag-draped caskets returning from Iraq. Next the Pentagon will be asking that no photos from the war be released and that we rely on courtroom sketch artists to interpret the action.

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You can say "Mo-Fo" just as long as you don't say "motherfucker:" The Boston Globe refused to print today's Doonesbury comic in which an injured soldier used the phrase "Son of a bitch!" yet ran Mallard Fillmore which showed John Kerry referring to a Secret Service agent as an "S.O.B." Almost everyone knows what S.O.B. means...so why make a big deal over "bitch?"

In typical Mallard Fillmore fashion, the same joke has run for two or three days about Kerry and the secret service agent and some gibberish about whiny babies (apparently forgetting which candidate actually went to 'Nam). Mallard Fillmore is really not comedy because it is so openly partisan as to fail to mention any missing weapons of mass destruction, or anything that might be less than flattering to conservatives. In fact, Verbal Jazz reads Mallard Fillmore only because the strip is so one sided and partisan and it is funny to see how far the cartoonist will stretch the truth, or not analyze information in order to make a pre-ordained point. Verbal Jazz believes in making fun of everyone.

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Highlights and Low Notes of the Week: the Verbal Jazz Newsletter

Sign up for this weekly newsletter on the left. You know you want to

Happy Earth Day and Administrative Professionals Week, everyone! Or something to that effect. Verbal Jazz has long noted, at least in an internal monologue kind of way, that the environmental movement suffers from a crisis of comedy. Not that there is anything funny about poor air quality or pollution, but something about the apocalyptic visions of Denver, CO offering oceanfront vistas does not seem to resonate all that well. It just turns people to their gasoline-chugging SUVs...I like SUVs just fine, as long as they stay off-road as god intended. "What Would Jesus Drive" not withstanding, the environmental movement has always had an air of religious superiority, in a you're either for organic, free-range farming or you're a stupid, lazy American who gives a damn only about yourself. Who knows, maybe Verbal Jazz will try out some enviro-comedy on these very pages.

In other developments, Verbal Jazz sure wish he had his camera with him today as he walked by the Massachusetts State House and observed an anti- Gay Marriage rally (with assorted pro-gay marriage folks). The anti-gay folks were calling for the ouster of the "SJC-4" (the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts has seven members; the Gay Marriage vote was 4-3 in favor of). Seems a bit self-aggrandizing to call for the ouster of four Justices, who merely interpreted the law, over one issue. I mean if those justices had a habit of going duck hunting with members of the Massachusetts Lesbian and Gay Bar Association, then we might have a problem. But note that Verbal Jazz never calls for the ouster of Scalia: he provides this space with too much material. (As a side note Verbal Jazz will commend Scalia for seeing that it is okay for his speech to be recorded; who knows why it wasn't before...)

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Before we get to the matter at hand, Verbal Jazz would like to offer his condolences and congratulations: Condolences to longtime friends Michael, Anne-Louise and Aileen (and their mom) This week they lost their Dad. Verbal Jazz is sure that they will miss him very much...and congratulations to Anne-Louise and her husband Michael on the birth of their daughter Makayla last month. Makayla is a beautiful baby girl who slept for almost the entire hour I saw her.

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Now, for the matter at hand:

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The Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes
http://www.verbaljazz.com

* Notes from the 12th press conference of the Bush Administration (April 14)
* Children to pay taxes on allowance income (April 15)
* Bin-Laden to host radio talk show (April 16)
* Foreign leaders pick Kerry to win Boston Marathon (April 19)
* Saudi Prince to take prominent role in Bush Campaign (April 20)
* Boston Mayor plans parade after Sox take 3 of 4 games from the Yankees (April 20)
* Providing aid and comfort to polls (April 21)
* No rights for you until we have a chance to deny them (April 21)
* A fool and his (or her) money give to Nader (April 22)
* Kerry for Murderer-in-Chief? (April 22)

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Special mention goes out to astute Verbal Jazz reader Jen H-W who noted that I, a baseball fan, failed to mention the anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking baseball's color barrier on April 15. From now on I promise to always associate Robinson's wonderful accomplishment with having to pay my taxes.

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Do you have friends? They'll really hate you if you forward this to them. So do it...I dare you!

If you happen to be said friend who receives this forwarded message, I apologize for your thoughtless friend. I really do.

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This Verbal Jazz Newsletter was published in the bowels of hell - we hope you enjoy our eternal damnation for a variety of offenses. If you have received this in error or no longer wish to receive this fine newsletter, please explain to me why Maurice Clarett should not be in this weekend's NFL Draft, or simply as to be UNSUBSCRIBED, and I will cease to trouble your weary soul from this moment hence.

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Kerry for murderer-in-chief: John Kerry recently released documents pertaining to his Navy service that mention various enemy killed. Expect the Bush/Cheney campaign to now label Kerry a murderer and thug, or simply the Butcher of Beacon Hill.

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A fool and his (or her) money: The Nader Campaign revealed yesterday that St. Ralph's 2004 campaign has earned more money than his 2000 campaign. ($600K to $200K), which just goes to prove the adage that a fool and his money are soon parted, especially if they want to send a message.

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No rights until they are denied: Let me get this straight, certain people (i.e. the governor, certain legislators, and anti-gay crusaders) want the Massachusetts SJC to delay gay marriage in order that it can be denied in the Constitution? Essentially, there argument is this: hold off on guaranteeing a right provided by the Constitution until we go through the process of denying that right. Ooooh, boy, can't wait to vote on this one in a few years.

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Providing aid and comfort to polls. The latest polls show President Flyboy recovering slightly from a bad few weeks, culminating in a less than inspiring press conference. As is typical, the Bush camp takes comfort in the polls while the Kerry camp discounts them. Now which president said he doesn't govern by poll numbers? Should a pollster call you, Verbal Jazz recommends providing a random answer, such as endorsing the re-election campaign of President Bartlett, or hoping to see the Presidential Election come down to a series of challenges one would see on "The Apprentice." Who do you think the Donald would say, "You're hired," to?

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Satire
Everyone loves a parade: After the Red Sox took three of the first four games against the New York Yankees this weekend, Boston Mayor Tom Menino scheduled a parade for Friday at noon. When informed that it is still April, the Sox and Yanks have fifteen more games to play, and the World Series is months away, Menino asserted that the Sox dominance of the Yankees thus far is parade worthy. The Red Sox, however, will not be able to make the event, as they will be in New York for a weekend series against those same Yankees.

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Satire
Prince Bandar to head Bush campaign: Saudi prince plans bold initiative to target reduce gas prices in time for November election.

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Satire
Kerry picked to win Marathon: Just hours before the start of the Boston Marathon, presumptive Democratic Nominee, John Kerry, who is campaigning in Florida claimed that "there are certain foreign leaders who want be to beat this class of elite runners and win the Boston Marathon."

Vice President Dick Cheney was quick to point out that Kerry is not even running the Boston Marathon this year. "Obviously if these so-called 'foreign leaders' knew [Kerry is not running] they would not be picking him to win."

When told of Cheney's remarks, Mary Beth Cahill campaign manager for the Kerry campaign said, "I don't know why this administration is behaving in such a partisan manner. Is it so unusual for a foreign leader to want a US Senator to win a Marathon in his home city?"

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Satire
Bin Laden to Host Radio Program: Look out Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern, Osama Bin Laden is getting ready to take over the airwaves. Radio networks around the world are clamoring to air the "Osama Bin Laden Power Hour," a daily radio show that will feature the terrorist that everyone loves to hate giving a daily dose of anti-US propaganda, messages from Allah, and good old-fashioned incites to violence.

Due to his status as an international fugitive, Bin Laden will not be doing the show live, and thus will not be able to take callers. "That is the only unfortunate aspect of the Osama Bin Laden Power Hour," said Mark Woodall, station manager for KFGD 1040 in Sacramento, CA, "we had hoped that Osama would be able to connect with his audience: both those people that agree and disagree with him."

When informed about the Bin Laden radio program, President Bush said, "I hope to eventually have him doing this radio show from a jail cell." Attorney General John Ashcroft said that the Justice Department will investigate whether those stations that air the "Osama Bin Laden Power Hour" are "providing aid and comfort to terrorists." Ashcroft also confirmed that the FBI would tune in to the program daily to determine whether it is actually Osama Bin Laden hosting the program.

According to a Bin Laden spokesman, the show will be taped daily, and those tapes will be distributed to the networks that have agreed to host the show. Preliminary research indicates that Osama Bin Laden will generate better ratings than Air America.

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Satire
Children to begin paying taxes on allowances: Due to increasing budget deficits and a high national debt, the IRS has reportedly been forced to close a loophole in the income tax laws. In a prepared statement read by the Treasury Secretary John Snow, the IRS will be enforcing 455(j) of the Federal Income Tax Code, and begin collecting taxes children's allowances.

Under this new interpretation, children over five would be forced to file a W-4 form with their parents or legal guardian. According to Secretary Snow, "This is the perfect opportunity to teach children about taxation and to teach parents what is means to run a business."

The Treasury Secretary's statement also highlighted that "every citizen of the United States needs to have a financial commitment to the war on terror. If we teach children that they get free money without helping our troops in Iraq, what kind of message does that send?"

Jerry McDingle of Citizens Unite! No Taxes asserted that this is the government just trying to seek another way of bilking the taxpayer: "These parents already pay taxes that they should not have to pay, now they are being forced top pay taxes againbecause they want to give their children some money for helping out around the house?"

Rob Deever of the Citizens for Justified Taxation merely said that [section 455(j)] "might represent a violation of child labor laws, we'll have to look into it."

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Satire
Bush denies that trading Sammy Sosa was a mistake: When Bush was part owner of the Texas Rangers, they traded outfielder Sammy Sosa. President Bush denies that this was a mistake "Based on available information, there was no way that I could determine Sosa would hit more than 500 home runs in his career."

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Satire
Both Janet Reno and John Ashcroft deny that they discussed forming a "Super Justice League."

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News Flash: President Bush thinks comparisons between Iraq and Vietnam are false. This is most likely due to the President's inability to grasp simile and metaphor.

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Mistakes, I've made a few, then again: When one reporter suggested that the President never admits to making a mistake, the President went into a lengthy response in which he did not admit to making a mistake. Then, when pressed further by another reporter about what mistakes he has made since 9/11, the president gave a lengthy answer in which he said he would do everything the same, claiming he could not think of any mistakes.

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And he doesn't believe in evolution, either: the President asserted that we will find those weapons of mass destruction. This time there were no accompanying slides.

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June 30, global day of reckoning: In celebration of handing over Iraqi sovereignty on June 30, we should also give all fourteen year olds the keys to the car. Mr. President, this is a metaphor.

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You light up my life: the President beamed when he said that Iraqi oil revenues were greater than expected. Verbal Jazz was half expecting him to stop to say: "I love oil."

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Satire
Scalia bans mention of his own name. In an attempt to adhere to this policy, US Marshals take it upon themselves to wash out, with soap, the mouth of anyone who says the name "Justice Scalia," "Scalia," "Antonin Scalia," or the mispronunciation: "Scale-ia."

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Is it a home run or an asterisk? San Francisco Giants left fielder Barry Bonds hit home run #660 which ties him for third all time with his godfather, Willie Mays. Since Bonds is on the BalCo list of steroid recipients, and his melon has grown three sizes since his early playing days, you may insert your own bad steroid joke here.

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Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes

(What follows in this post is this week's version of the Weekly Newsletter. Just think, all this delivered right to your in-box on a weekly basis. Sign up there on the left. Don't you want to?)

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Verbal Jazz hopes everyone had a Happy Easter. And Speaking of Easter: Holy (literal and figurative) Fertility Symbols! Resurrection, Eggs, Bunnies. You gotta love any Holiday that is planned around the Vernal Equinox: yes, Easter occurs on the first Sunday after the first full moon, after the Vernal Equinox. And you thought paganism was dead! Verbal jazz would like to switch Halloween to the first Tuesday after the first new moon after the Autumnal Equinox, plus 6 days.

Not wanting to stay out of the news, Boston Archbishop Sean O'Malley refused to wash the feet of women during the Holy Thursday ceremony citing that none of the Apostles were women. (For the uninitiated, Jesus washed the feet of his Disciples during the Passover "Last Supper"). Next the Archbishop will be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment to define "clean" feet as those belonging only to a man. To achieve this end, he will encourage all Catholics to rise against "individualism" and insist that all women be forced to have dirty feet because they were not apostles and well there was that Eve chick, too.

In the wake of last week's interrogation of Condoleezza Rice, Verbal Jazz has decided to take up arms and start swatting flies in the name of freedom. Apparently, since the President is tired of doing it himself, it falls to us, the American People, to rise to the challenge. Go buy a flyswatter today!

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The Highlights and Low Notes of the Week
http://www.verbaljazz.com

* Tourism slows in Fallujah (April 6)
* Massachusetts Governor still wants to move convention site (April 6)
* Marines don't miss Bob Hope (April 6)
* Condi to deny Clarke had an anti-terrorism role (April 6)
* White House Official: Clarke had trouble getting dates (April 6)
* NCAA releases graduation rates for student athletes (April 6)
* Kerry Campaign conducts focus group - reveals that Ronald McDonald would be the most attractive VP Candidate (April 6)
* Individualism: Life's real problem (April 7)
* Verbal Jazz has a new cause (April 8)
* Pentagon purchases extended warrantee (April 8)
* Condi's big day (prior to testimony (April 8)
* Random Iraq Anniversary Date (April 9)
* It was all vague (April 9)
* Flyswatter for sale (April 12)
* Clarke was "just a janitor." (April 12)
* How to hold yourself accountable by way of example (April 12)

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The random Verbal Jazz question(s) of the Week: It's been a while since Verbal Jazz picked on a Democrat, does this make you happy or sad? If you were to write a poem about it what kind of poem would you write?

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I can no longer keep our relationship a secret: You'll just have to tell others about Verbal Jazz.

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This Newsletter is brought to you by the Verbal Jazz Institute for the American Family. No part of the proceeds goes to anything remotely interesting or worthwhile. In fact since this newsletter has absolutely no cultural or social value, it may be construed as pornography. In that event, should you wish to remove yourself from this mailing list (be it as you may no longer like receiving these emails, or be it as you may have been placed on this list against your will), simply tell me why you should help the President understand his PDBs, or just type in "Unsubscribe."

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How to hold yourself accountable by way of example: President Flyboy claims the memo (you know the one that stated that Osama would kind of like to strike the US soon) lacked specific facts that would have led to the thwarting of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Apparently he needed a copy of the flight itinerary and passports of each of the hijackers. Meanwhile, we go fight a war on faulty and unverified "specifics" and somehow that is okay. And this is the guy that wants people to be accountable? Just apologize and let's move on already!

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Satire
White House Official: "Clarke was just the janitor." According to White House sources, former Counterterrorism Official Richard A. Clarke, was a "custodial services employee" who read discarded intelligence memos with no clear understanding. "He was out of the loop, he didn't even know where the dirts was," said Vice President Cheney.

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For Sale: Official Bush/Cheney flyswatter. Special features: does not recognize flies as a threat to sanitary conditions of food supply; goes after earthworms instead because they are an easier target and might have weapons of food destruction in their underground lair. Yours for only $59.95

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It was all vague: to summarize Condi's testimony: "Yeah, we heard some 'chatter,' but nothing specific." In other words, since there was no detailed plan, complete with maps and flight itineraries for the folks flying the 9/11 planes, there was nothing we could do about it, however since there was nothing specific and/or vague coming from Iraq we decided it would make a perfect target.

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Random Iraq anniversary date: the toppling of the statue of Saddam. Ahhhhhh, those were the days when we were giddy with the thrill of victory...soon the Iraqi people would be voting in elections that harkened back to the golden age of democracy in the US (prior to election day 2000, that is.)

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Condi's big day: Today Condoleezza Rice gets to testify before the 9/11 Commission under oath. This will provide the Bush White House with another opportunity to provide evidence that Richard A. Clarke is heavily into BDSM. Since Condi will be under oath she will have to obfuscate and stretch the truth without telling a factual lie, as that would be perjury.

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Think of it as an "extended warranty" you didn't know you purchased:The Pentagon may keep an extra 15,000 soldiers, who were due to return home, in Iraq for an extended period of time. And here, you thought you were only paying for one year's worth of service...This was all supposed to be over last May, wasn't it?

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Verbal Jazz has a new cause: to return the phrase "23-skidoo" to the vernacular. Go on, just say it.

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Individualism: life's real problem: Boston Archbishop Sean O'Malley told priests that they need to do a better job preaching to a society that has "a culture of death . . . consumerism, hedonism, [and] individualism." Why does this guy continue to get press coverage?

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Satire
Would you like fries with that vote?
The Committee to Elect John Kerry for President recently conducted a focus group in order to determine who should be Mr. Kerry's Vice-Presidential running mate, in order to ensure that Kerry did not select someone "unelectable."

The focus group's main choices, ranked in order are:
1. Ronald McDonald
2. Santa Claus
3. Yankee 3rd Baseman Alex Rodriguez
4. Mickey Mouse
5. Aragorn (Viggo Mortenson)
6. Donald Trump

The big surprise was that none of those who are rumored to be top contenders for the spot finished in the top twenty: John McCain, finished 23rd, John Edwards was number 26 and Evan Bayh simply did not register. The report concludes that most people consider "Evan Bayh" a fictional name.

"I think this focus group really focused on picking a vice-presidential candidate that was as inoffensive as possible," said political marketing consultant, Dan Wanofsky. "Alex Rodriguez would have been a better fit for the campaign had he actually been traded to the Red Sox, but now that he is with the Yankees it would be less incongruous for Kerry to pick John McCain, a Republican."

The Kerry Campaign committee has a few reservations about their number one candidate, Ronald McDonald. An anonymous source within the Kerry camp said that while Ronald's Appeal may be broad, he represents excessive marketing to children, as well as unhealthy food products which may be off-putting the Democrats' liberal base. Santa Claus has no power on to persuade anyone over seven. "Mickey Mouse hasn't done anything of consequence in years...plus with all that turmoil over at Disney, Mickey may not unify the party."

Expect the Kerry campaign to seriously consider the candidates on this list but pick someone who will offer the campaign a boos of adrenaline. Wanofsky would not predict Trump, even though people would tune into his debates with Cheney just to hear Trump tell Cheney, "You're fired." "My money is on Viggo Mortenson," said Wanofsy, "he offers at least the perception of political experience having been a king in those 'Lord of the Rings' films, and all."

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Satire
NCAA to release graduation rates for student athletes: In the wake of all the controversy surrounding the NCAA's decision not to release the graduation rates for African-American athletes, the NCAA has decided to implement a policy this morning of telling whether or not some students in an athletic program graduated. Thus schools are only now required to say whether or not they had any graduations. The NCAA defended this action by decrying the notion that student athletes were in school to learn. Thus, the only graduation figures available to the press will be "some" or "none."

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Satire
White House Official: "Richard Clarke had trouble getting dates." Major media outlet to exert time and energy on this allegation.

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Satire
Condi to deny Clarke's role. National Security Advisor, Condoleeza Rice, in preparation for her 9/11 commission testimony on Thursday is being trained to assert that former Counterterrorism official, Richard A. Clarke, was not even on the White House payroll. Rice might even go so far as to insist that Clarke does not even exist, and therefore we cannot know the veracity of his statements. Sources inside the White House say that Vice President Cheney is instructing Rice to include proof that Clarke was living off of his pension earned in the Clinton years and that John Kerry wanted to raise taxes to pay Clarke's salary.

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Satire
Marine stationed outside of Fallujah glad that Bob Hope will not be paying a visit. "I don't want to pretend to laugh," says soldier.

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Satire
Massachusetts Governor still wants to move Democrat convention site: Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney once again suggested moving the site of the Democratic Convention to a secret undisclosed outdoor festival location. The Governor also suggested that the outdoor convention not have a tent as that would be a "dead give away for terrorists."

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Satire
Tourism Slows: In light of recent events, the Fallujah Tourist Board has scrapped its summer ad campaign and will seek to rebrand itself this coming fall.

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What season is this? Still reeling from the Game 7 ALCS loss last year, Verbal Jazz will refrain from mentioning a certain Boston baseball team this year. Yes, they lost last night, but Verbal Jazz is preparing to follow other pursuits this summer...scrimshaw, writing that symphony for one guitar, exploring his serious side, ice fishing, discovering my hidden talent for echolocation. Anything. Help me.

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Spring forward into Micro Time Zones! Yes, Sunday morning we lose the one-hour of sleep, but gain an extra hour of sunlight in the evening. Now Verbal Jazz's evening runs can be on actual roads instead of the track. But I digress. Verbal Jazz proposes that we change the whole time-zone structure to include "micro time zones:" come up with a certain distance that two points differ by a second (one mile? Two?) and adjust them accordingly. Thus Boston and New York could be, say 15 minutes apart in their time zones, as opposed to being in the same time zone. Go on! Tell me you love this idea.

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Waiting on a heartbreak: Baseball Season has officially started with the Yankees and the D-Rays splitting an opening series in Japan. For the uninitiated, Verbal Jazz is a baseball nut. In particular, Verbal Jazz is nutty about the Red Sox. So here is my litany of things that can go wrong and will this baseball season: Pedro's arm will fall off and Nomar's Achilles will never heal and Trot Nixon's bulging disc will keep bulging until he looks like Quasimodo and B.K. Kim will come back but then flip off more Sox fans and give up a home run that gives the Yankees yet another championship. I know it's irrational. Just bear with me...

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Governor, we have found your Great White Whale: Governor Romney is going after gay marriage with all the aplomb of Captain Ahab in pursuit of Moby Dick, although he would probably prefer to be likened to Roy Scheider in "Jaws" considering that one ended better for the protagonist. Anyway, the Guvanah (MA pronunciation) is trying to find any measure, loophole, or means to stop gay marriages from happening in MA, presumably to endear himself to the Republican powers that be. On a side note, Verbal Jazz has heard some chatter from Republican cells that President Flyboy might pick the Grecian Formula Guvanah as his running mate should the GOP realize what a liability Cheney is. Coincidences would abound if this were the case, but it would mostly be a calculated move to attack John Kerry in his own state...Kind of like the Yankees taking Roger Clemens.

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The dickhead gets a second chance: L. Dennis Kozlowski gets a second chance after his trial was declared a mistrial. The combative juror received a threatening letter. For the unaware, Kozlowski is accused of bilking Tyco of MILLIONS of DOLLARS.

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Satire
Fetuses to get voting rights
After signing a bill this week that would make it a separate crime to harm a fetus, President Bush proposed a bill that would allow fetuses to vote in the November election. Republican Congressman Wade Deaver (R-ID), who is expected to introduce the bill today, said, "This bill is about the rights of the unborn to have their voice heard in the upcoming election."

Abortion rights advocates see it as an attempt to undermine Roe v. Wade. "If this bill passes who in their right mind would say they are in favor of a woman's right to choose to eliminate a voting block?" said Jill Hanratty of the Women's Policy Project.

Pundits have been mixed. Some see this as an attempt to generate more votes for the President. Paula Blockamon wrote: "If the President is trying to expand the rights of the unborn, then fetuses are going to vote for Bush/Cheney because that is where their interests lie. For a fetus in the womb it is still 'all about me.'" Meanwhile Fox News showed a graphical representation by which all fetuses in 2000 would have voted for George W. Bush, thereby granting him the popular vote. "See it is a mandate," said Sean Hannity.

John Kerry, still recuperating from shoulder surgery, could not be reached for comment.

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April is such a cruel mistress: Did everyone out there in Verbal Jazz-land know that April is National Poetry Month? And no, this is not an April Fool's Joke, simply because this whole sight is dedicated to foolishness. It really is National Poetry Month, that month when everyone says they like poems, but do not understand them. This is only because poetry is presented as a magic code in search of a Rosetta Stone. This is also the month in which all who yearn to write poetry professionally cannot get beyond the simile that "tears fall like rain." So, the Verbal Jazz challenge is to write a better metaphor or simile in which both tears and rain are used, and, no, "the rain falls like my tears" is unacceptable.

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Surgery: it's not just for athletes anymore: After shoulder surgery John Kerry hopes to re-join the campaign trail around the same as Trot Nixon, Nomar Garciaparra, and Byung-Hyun Kim re-join the Red Sox. Kerry is also hoping the rotator cuff surgery might make him a viable pitching option for the Sox as being part of a big league roster will allow him to travel all over the country at the expense of the Red Sox.

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Dick Clarke is not a left-wing-nut, drug-abusing, power-tripping patchouli-wearing proto hippy (or whatever else he's been called) after all: Former counterterrism adviser, Clarke asked MoveOn.org to not air an ad using his name and comments he had made regarding the Bush administrations commitment to fighting terrorism, both real and imagined.

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