This strategy is like riding a roller coaster that crashed, then wanting to get back in line: Martha Stewart's legal team asked for a new trial because one of the jurors apparently lied about a criminal record and made remarks indicating a prior prejudice as to the outcome of the case. Let my Martha Free!

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New guests booked for the 9/11 commission: In a surprising turn of events, Condi will testify before the 9/11 commission. Who says that the President doesn't cave in to pressure or watch public opinion polls. Expect a lot of CYA (Cover-Your-Ass). backtracking and "Dick Clarke is a liar who smokes morphine before drowning puppies." The Flyboy-in-Chief and the Secret Agent Veep are also planning to appear before the full commission, but not give sworn testimony. Thus they can lie without committing perjury. The Flyboy-in-Chief and Secret Agent Veep are also meeting in private, presumably so they can hold hands and provide each other moral support.

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No wonder your kid is such a brat: The National Sleep Foundation released a study that found children do not get enough sleep. So, the next time you see some child misbehaving, and suddenly find yourself believing in eugenics, remember that the child probably just needs a nap. In another shocking development the study also found that parents of those children that do not get enough sleep, do not sleep enough themselves.

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Tomato, tomaaahto, let's call the whole thing off: The Massachusetts legislature took the bold move of voting for the semantic middle ground between Gay Marriage and "gays should have no rights at all because it is a sin." In other words they voted to ban Gay Marriage but allow for Civil Unions because every generation must play with the Separate but Equal doctrine before it realizes that separate is never equal. Should the legislature vote this way next year, then the people of Massachusetts get to vote homosexuals off the island of marriage in 2006. In other semantic news there are now three legal challenges to the late-term abortion ban. This is also known as partial birth, which has the semantic effect of making it sound as though a woman is allowed to have an abortion during a C-Section.

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That guy looks like a dickhead, literally: With that shaved head, Dennis Kozlowski (the former head of TYCO whose fate hangs in the hands of a jury) kind of looks like he's trying to pull off the disturbed innocent baby look, but he comes off more as a Daddy Warbucks/Lex Luthor type. I had a co-worker once who had that look and it didn't work for him, either, although I doubt he would have had jurors flashing "Ok" at him. Verbal Jazz says: anyone who makes a conscious effort to look bad in public deserves the ridicule. (This is why Verbal Jazz does not make fun of weight, birth defects, limbs blown off during combat, or President Bush while he is making the attempt to look intelligent).

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Ask a stupid question: A pop-under ad that Verbal Jazz has seen a few times asks the following question: "Who will be the next President?" with buttons to vote for either Bush or Kerry. Correct Verbal Jazz if he is wrong here, but Bush can't be the next President since he is the current president...he would just continue in the job.

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Tell me why I don't like Mondays: Verbal Jazz has discovered the perfect cure for the Monday blahs: get rid of weekends. Make people have to go to work every day except Christmas and my birthday (because I thought up this brilliant plan and happen to have a birthday almost six months away from Christmas.

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C'mon everybody do the gas-face: The average hit $1.80 recently, which is still more than a gallon of water. At one point, you would have paid more for the water. Really. Now, how many Hummer owners (6MPG) are having buyer's remorse? And, seriously who can believed the self-indulgence of Hummer ads? They might as well say: "You can run over your neighbor's cat and you won't feel a bump, but that's okay, you're in a Hummer. Be an ass."

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That bastard won't get my $60! Or whatever it is now! Secret Agent Veep (Cheney) came out of hiding to tell us all that John Kerry would try to raise taxes (the semantics of "tax relief" for the non-wealthy are such that even $1 a year would be a "relief" of your taxes). Whether or not the tax cuts get repealed or sunshine out in 2010, Verbal Jazz will have to give back that $60 yearly to pay for the Credit Card Presidency (Buy Now, Pay Later). There goes my country club membership.

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Playing politics: One has to wonder about an administration that understands the "marketing perspective" of building up a war, but not the marketing perspective of timing a book release to generate the greatest number of sales...but then, that's not marketing, just playing politics. But then, isn't playing politics what politicians do? Here, is an official Verbal Jazz definition of "Playing Politics:" 1. Term used to make a political opponent look bad who is, in turn, trying to make the speaker of this term look bad. 2. What each side in a political debate accuses the other side of the political debate of doing, while actually engaging in said term.

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What's a little joke? Imagine this scenario: O.J. Simpson recently appeared before a group of Broadcast and Print reporters with a slide show that featured him playing golf among other activities. "Nope, Nicole's killer isn't on this golf course," O.J. jokes with the reporters.

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By cutting costs, we really can increase profit: Between the last two years of the Clinton/Gore administration and the first two years of the Bush/Cheney administration Halliburton (yes, that Halliburton, the former employer of Veep Cheney), cut its lobbying expenditures in half ($1.2B to $600M), yet saw the value of its work increase 800% ($1B to $8B). Verbal Jazz would like to announce that we are officially cutting our lobbying expenditures from $0 to $0 dollars, and expect to see our government contracts increase accordingly (do the math).

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Bush auditions for SNL: For those of you who missed it, the President cast himself in his own skit about missing Weapons in Iraq. During the annual dinner of the Radio and Television News Correspondents Association, the President showed pictures of himself looking behind pieces of furniture and said, "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere ... nope, no weapons over there ... maybe under here?" prompting outrage from anyone with a sense of taste and decorum. Verbal Jazz knows there are a few things that one does not joke about: weight (how clever can a "fat joke" be, really?), race ("All BLANK people sure are stupid, huh?" is the essence of racist jokes), and reasons for going to war that are false, deceptive and misleading. Bush was really hoping he could get a guest hosting stint on SNL and was displaying some of the humor he would hope to bring to the show.

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The Credit Card Presidency: As A career marketer, Verbal Jazz does have to admire the fundraising tactics of the Bush Campaign. That they work so effectively means that either the Bushies have a well-oiled machine or that the people that give them money are the same that would fall for a charismatic preacher on late night television. The most recent Bush stop was in the backyard Verbal Jazz. Actually, more importantly, the backyard was really that of presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry (Verbal Jazz works from the assumption that the Bush administration has no interest in this website whatsoever). While here, Bush sought to paint Kerry as a "tax-and-spend Democrat" who is against "tax relief." The kind of "tax relief" that Bush talks about is relief for those who are busy choosing between the yellow and black Hummer. Verbal Jazz calculated last year that his own "tax relief" was somewhere around $60: that doesn't even buy me a pair of running shoes, although I could buy 4-5 books with that. Bush is the real president of the credit card generation: it's not tax-and-spend, or fiscal responsibility, but buy weapons, weapons and more weapons now while expanding government ($1.5 Billion for enforced pre-Cana?) and let someone else pay for it later on down the line. Perhaps we'll need bake sales for those bombers after all.

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Infirmative Action or, a new inductee into the Society for Elliptical Reasoning: What is a believer in Affirmative Action (as Verbal Jazz is) to do when confronted with the following story? Verbal Jazz has two friends, "Heather" and "Jennifer." Jennifer applied for a job as a receptionist at Heather's company, a progressive-leaning company concerned with issues of social justice. Heather was told by management that they would like to hire a "person of color" for the position, but they interviewed Jennifer anyway. There were not any minoroty candidates who were qualified for the position and Jennifer (according to her own assessment) had a very good interview. The company decided not to hire Jennifer because, according to Heather, they were committed to the idea of having a "person of color" in the position and will be seeking to fill the role with a temp until they find the right minority candidate. Meanwhile, this is a receptionist position and no one else at the company could be described as a "person of color." And when Verbal Jazz says no one, he means no one; Verbal Jazz looked at the staff photos on their web page and every one of them was white: no Asians, African-Americans, or Latinos. In other words it looks like a meeting of white liberals who hang out with other white liberals and call that diversity.

Verbal Jazz should not be privy to this information and thus will decline to name the company. It strikes Verbal Jazz that if this company were really committed to developing diversity in the workplace that they would not be seeking to impose affirmative action restrictions on its lowest rung position, and would instead have sought to have a minority candidate in a position of some greater responsibility, such as project management.

Heather's company gets an induction into the society for paying lip-service to the idea of diversity by enforcing a hard and fast rule hiring the receptionist should be a "person of color." Were a "person of color" with roughly the same qualifications as Jennifer to have interviewed, well, Verbal Jazz would have no problem with that hire. Let's be honest, this is a receptionist position, one which can be learned by a variety of people regardless of their experience (sorry "Jennifer"). This commitment to a "person of color," however, is self-serving liberalism at its worst: Heather's company will get its minority receptionist and crow about diversity while all their major decision makers will remain lily white. Now are they really committed to social justice or just the appearance of social justice?

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Satire
Bush administration produces evidence of Clarke drug abuse
Testifying before the panel investigating the September 11 terrorist attacks, former counterterrorism coordinator Richard A. Clarke apologized to victims' families for not being able to do more. Responding to his testimony, National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice, asserted that Clarke had "an undocumented history of drug abuse, depression, and or psychosis."

Rice went on to point out that Clarke's actions at the hearing were eerily reminiscent of 12-Step program meetings such as Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) or Narcotics Anonymous (N.A.) "I mean do you really want to trust someone who may have severe dependency issues, emotional problems, or may not be able to tell reality?"

"Yeah," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "What Condi said. There is significant evidence that Clarke was smoking pot and attending peace rallies. Can you really trust someone like that? I would also like to add that if anyone tries to convince you that the President confused al-Qaeda with Iraq because each has a 'Q' without a 'U,' they are also upset because they didn't get a promotion, or something like that."

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Verbal Jazz has a new cause. After tirelessly working to exonerate Martha Stewart since March 5, Verbal Jazz is now tirelessly working to reinstate Bob Edwards as the host of NPR's Morning Edition: a radio news program that actually strives for objectivity and to tell stories about real people. NPR is replacing Edwards with an interim team until they can find a suitable replacement simply because they want to freshen up the show. Verbal Jazz looks forward to hearing Edwards mellifluous voice in the morning: it tells me that all is right with the world. I may get to admire or even like a new host, but will still miss Edwards. NPR doesn't need to stoop to tricks to bolster a demographic. What's next replacing Click and Clack (of NPR's "Car Talk") with a couple of NASCAR drivers just to reach NASCAR dads?

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When all else fails, blame everyone! The bipartisan panel investigating the September 11 terrorist attacks has laid equal blame on both the Clinton and Bush II administrations thus far. Both administrations had information and opportunities to thwart the attacks, but obviously did not possess a terrorist Rosetta Stone to interpret. Somehow the Committee to Re-elect Bush and the Committee to Elect Kerry will find a way to twist this information into their advertising campaign.

Bush campaign: The Democrats could have solved this problem during the Clinton years...

Kerry campaign: Instead of focusing on the threat of al-Qaeda, the Bush administration chose to push for a war in Iraq...

...or something like that. If Verbal Jazz were completely unprincipled, he could write ads for both campaigns. The trick is to leave out key details that show the entire picture, or just use the White House PR strategy.

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Protected by one big god-sized umbrella: The Supremes (minus Scalia, due his gasp! recusal) are set to hear arguments on whether the phrase "Under God" belongs in the Pledge of Allegiance. The Pledge volleys up the phrase "one nation, under god" as though god were some giant US umbrella protecting us from rain, snow, sun, and injustice while delivering "liberty."

Maybe the phrase should read: "One nation, under god, however you define it." But then that may be admitting the country has a drinking problem. Were Scalia to actually be hearing this case, he and his buddy Thomas should have no choice but to focus on original intent, since they seem to adhere to a strictly literal reading of the Constitution. As for original intent, the Pledge was originally written without "under god." The Knights of Columbus pushed during the Eisenhower era. Since the K of C was so heavily involved, one can speculate that the god in question is the Catholic kind, since that may have been their intent. Therefore Scalia and Thomas would have to vote against it to be in any way consistent.

No matter how the Supremes vote on this one, we do need a Constitutional amendment to define "god" in narrow Judeo-Christian terms and need to change our money to say: "In Creator we trust."

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You mean they actually print something more than color charts and AP wires? USA Today is investigating journalism fraud amongst its ranks. In fact the journalist left the paper in January. This is akin to professional wrestling investigating charges that its matches are fixed. Verbal Jazz has nothing against USA today, but does find the complimentary issue found in hotels across the nation to be a bit light on substance, kind of like the CNN tape loops they show on airlines. If Verbal Jazz were an advertising copywriter, I would try to sell them on the slogan "USA Today: the paper that tries its hardest not to piss anyone off."

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It's politically motivated: The White House is in a furor over a book being released today by Richard A. Clarke, former counterterrorism coordinator for both Presidents Bush I (the Paterfamilibush) and Clinton. The book alleges that Bush II (Flyboy-in-Chief) and his merry brand of pranksters have essentially ignored threats from al-Qaeda while fighting a vanity war in Iraq. The White House claims the book is politically motivated, but would find no apparent political motivation in a book that extolled the virtues of the Iraq mission.

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Come on down to the trough! It's one thing to eat a lot of food at a restaurant in which the experience of dining is a combination of decor and uniquely interesting food, it's a completely different animal when the best thing one can say about a restaurant is that a trip there leaves one feeling more full than if they just had Thanksgiving dinner and can't even think about dessert just yet. In fact, when the restroom banter focuses on the quantity of food one has just consumed rather than the quality of the dining experience, that should be a good sign to cut your losses and get a pizza. On Saturday night, Verbal Jazz found himself in such a place, the temple of gluttony known as Wright's Chicken Farm. The meal at Wright's consists of chicken, French (not freedom) fries, macaroni with red sauce, some rolls, and a iceberg lettuce salad mercifully drenched in dressing. Not exactly a meal of complementary items; think Kenny G., Limp Bizkit, Britney Spears, and Hammer on the same CD changer: nothing really satisfying, but there has to be some reason they sold all that music. For once, Verbal Jazz felt himself at the low end of the Body Mass Index scale, surrounded by people whose sole form of exercise seemed to be the short walk from the car into the restaurant, and even that required a breather afterward. Although, Verbal Jazz has some reservations about the BMI scale since he is overweight according to his BMI, even though he ran a marathon just two months ago. Upon arrival, Verbal Jazz, Missus Jazz, The Grandfather of Missus Jazz, and the omnipresent niece (3) and nephew (6) of the Jazzes were given a ninety minute wait time for a table. We waited sixty, by which time the niece, having exhausted her interest in sticking quarters in my ear or down my shirt, could only focus on the lingering effects of her forced starvation: i.e. "I'm hungry", and the nephew amid a restaurant packed with people low on manners and etiquette, promptly forgot his own. When the food came I found myself wolfing it down amid the din of other diners enjoying their quantity and the price: the meal came to $42.10 for three adults and two children. By the end, the children needed a bed and Verbal Jazz needed to find a few of the patrons in order to pursue a class action lawsuit against Wright's for contributing to their general lack of health.

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Wasn't this "Mission Accomplished" last spring? One year ago we were being shocked and awed after whatsisname refused to give up his "weapons of mass destruction." Since there were no weapons to be found, we settled on weapons programs and giving the Iraqis the freedom to discontinue living under the despotic rule of one man with a distorted vision of the world to the freedom to live under the continual fear of terrorist attacks from a group of people with a distorted vision of the world. Either way, Baghdad won't be winning any "Best places to live" contests any time soon, unless it's in "Soldier of Fortune."

As for the Foreign Policy principles, it has been noted that "Iraq II: This Time it's Personal" was the first ever pre-emptive war waged by the United States. Unfortunately the main justification for doing so (i.e. the weapons program) ended up being a bunch of drawings and scribblings by scientists who wanted to keep their cushy scientist day job. Apparently, the idea of the program is all that Saddam required.

Perhaps we should continue in this vein: go to war against a country and invent the reason as we go along, maybe, eventually something will stick.

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Tipping the Scalias of justice: Justice Scalia refused to recuse himself from the Secret Agent Veep's Secret Energy Cabal case which is due to come up before the Supreme Court. Astute readers of Verbal Jazz will remember that Scalia and the Secret Agent Veep went on a duck hunting trip which led to charges of impropriety against Scalia, which then had conservative backlash against Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who likes to speak at NOW meetings and frequently votes in his favor. Scalia claims that this trip will in no way influence his decision on the matter of the Secret Energy Cabal (energy interests setting energy policy). Verbal Jazz is inclined to believe Scalia: he would find some arcane and illogical argument for defending the Secret Agent Veep's Secret Energy Cabal whether or not they shared an intimate moment behind a duck blind. I just hope they got Donald and Daisy.

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The language police swing right! Bono and Howard Stern were cited by the FCC for indecency. Bono for saying the eff-word, or "fuck" during a live broadcast, and Howard Stern for, well, pretty much everything that he stands for. The First Amendment says that Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, but I guess that does not go for the FCC. Verbal Jazz did read today, that Howard Stern has become so anti-Bush that he might mobilize a legion of listeners with a penchant for adolescent humor, to vote for Kerry, turning over a new untapped demographic.

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Maybe he just had a hard time letting go: Charges were brought today against a Cambridge man who spent the last eighteen years forging his dead mother's signature on her pension checks and depositing them into a joint account. Authorities were apparently unable to discover if he had also been dressing up as his mother and stabbing women in showers.

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This reminds me of a joke I heard in 8th grade that wasn't funny then, either: Aleksander Kwasniewski admits that he was duped by the US into believing that there were Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, when, in fact, there probably are not. Kwasniewski also offered to fill in the void left by the Spanish when they, having seen the light at the end of the tunnel, pull their overwhelming 1300 soldiers out of Iraq. But before you start rattling off jokes about how stupid the Polish are, remember how many Americans actually believed that the majority of 9/11 highjackers were Iraqi (none were)... then remember how many of us (Senators running for President, and radio personalities being cited for indecency by the FCC included) actually believed there were weapons. Who's stupid now?

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Political one-upsmanship surely had nothing to do with it (wink, wink): Massachusetts' Republican Governor Mitt (no longer confused with a leather apparatus used to protect one's hand from a baseball) Romney "suggested" that Democrats coming to Boston may wish to use the brand new convention center instead of the Fleet Center due to security considerations, such as two subway lines, a commuter rail station and a major highway nearby. But, since we are winning the war on terror (bomb blasts in Baghdad and Madrid not witshstanding), these should not be concerns, I guess. Anyone familiar with Boston knows that the Convention Center is in the middle of nowhere (official Verbal Jazz pic included). The real reason the Democrats should consider a new venue is that the Fleet Center has not seen a champion since it opened. The building it replaced (Boston Garden) was a testament to gritty championship teams playing in an uncomfortable building.

What does Romney have to gain from his suggestion? Looks good to Republicans that he tries to embarrass Democrats; looks good to commuters who will not be able to commute all the way to North Station (right underneath the Fleet Center); and its plain ol' fun to get Boston Mayor Tom Menino riled up.


Boston Convention Center -- Side View (pic taken October 2003)


Boston Convention Center -- Front View (pic taken October 2003)

Verbal Jazz now sees the whole plot: the Convention Center is a secret alien docking station and Governor Romney was sent to deliver the Democrats to the Convention Center. The governor does look a bit creepy with those white temples...

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Our slogan is: we're midway between the greatest rivalry in sports! There's a reason why the Whalers left and the Patriots reneged on a promise to go to Connecticut: there really is no cultural value gained from driving to Connecticut for a Major League Baseball game when an extra hour or two could land you in Fenway Park (good) or Yankee Stadium (evil). Should the group proposing to buy the Expos and move them to Connecticut convince Major League Baseball that this is a good decision, well, then we'll know that baseball really does want to kill the Expos.

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Letting them win sets unreal expectations: Yes, the War on Terrorism is kind of like a foot race with a six-year-old: you just can't let them win all the time. Or so some would have you believe in the wake of those Spanish supporters of the War in Iraq who will taste unemployment at he hands of the Socialists, who beat them in the elections just days after the bombings. The Socialists, for their part will be pulling 1300 troops out of Iraq. Now, in America, a terrorist attack is mandate for keeping those in power in power. We might also have bought the snow job that the ruling party in Spain tried to pull: blaming the bombing Basque separatists instigating the attacks last Thursday, while all evidence pointed to al-Qaeda. Think someone was trying to get re-elected? Let's see, Spain ousted a ruling party that lied to them, they take a nap in the late afternoon, gave us Picasso and Dali and "Don Quixote:" maybe they are smarter than we are.

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Activist astronomers redefine "planet:" The discovery of Sedna, an object in orbit around the sun that is three times further than Pluto, has astronomers debating whether or not it is a planet. Since we cannot have activist astronomers redefining planet, Verbal Jazz expects the president to back a Constitutional Amendment narrowly defining a planet.

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Yes, Verbal Jazz may in fact achieve a cure for what ails him! Imagine the apoplectic fit that the pro-life crowd will throw when a stem cell cure for baldness becomes the new Botox: the fad thing to do to appeal to one's vanity. One can imagine the chicken and egg argument for when a life is a life and when that "life" (yes, the quotation marks are intentional) is used for something as silly as follicle replacement. There will be Congressional testimony about using stem cells for hair replacement and the President will demand a Constitutional amendment narrowly defining baldness. Sure, we can joke about using stem cells treating my "condition" but when they are used to repair burned skin, then we enter a gray area: a place that does not exist for pro-lifers who would ban all uses of stem cells because the cell constitutes a "life." No, there is no inherent logic to this argument, just a need to be absolutely clear about being pro-life. For those of you looking for factual accuracy, University of Pennsylvania researchers discovered that stem cells may be used to cure baldness and aid burn victims. Burning isn't funny, though baldness can be.

Yes, Verbal Jazz is bald, although, being 6'2" I prefer to say "above timberline." In fact, Verbal Jazz may just start a new men's lifestyle magazine called "Above Timberline" for bald men over six feet tall. Sample issue: "Does Sitting Down Make Her Turn Away? 10 Tips for Deflecting Attention from Your Bald Spot"; "Bald Heroes: Patrick Stewart"; "When Good Hair Stops Going Bad and Just Goes Nowhere."

Now, weren't stem cells supposed to be used to cure cancer and diabetes and things like that? Being incredibly shallow, Verbal Jazz will accept the cure for baldness as long as there is a remedy for diabetes should he develop it down the road. In fact, Verbal Jazz is miffed that he cannot readily access those stem cells now. Hurry up, we follicly challenged are waiting!

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Is your Bull-Dar working? The patented Verbal Jazz Bullshit Detection System, or Bull-Dar, has been running on overload now that the Democratic primary is over (for all intents and purposes and pending the actual doling out of the number of delegates needed to win the nomination), and the general election campaign is in full swing. As a public service, Verbal Jazz urges caution to those would actively seek out and listen to politicians between now and November 2: TV ads will seek to portray Mr. Kerry and Mr. Bush as either the greatest leader (since "politician" will be defined as an obscene term by a future Constitutional amendment) since (pick one) Jack "Ask not what your country can do" Kennedy or Ronnie "Morning in America" Reagan while portraying the other as the worst threat to national security since (pick one) Osama bin Laden or whomever gave us that information about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Don't say you were not warned.

Apparently children under eight do not possess a Bull-Dar, thus making marketing more effective on them. This was according to an article I read recently. Children are more likely to view commercials as the rest of us are to view news: without skepticism. Among those who have worked with children, who has not had to deal with the negative effects of such marketing? If Mickey Mouse appears on it then it must be good, right? And I want it, I want it, I want it!

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Some things you just can't joke about, such as the bomb blasts in Madrid.

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Not that they would, but... Would it be more acceptable for the Bush campaign to use images from 9/11 if they also showed dead soldiers returning from Iraq?

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The showdown continues: The Massachusetts State Legislature prepares to once again debate proposing an amendment to the state constitution banning gay marriage while allowing gays similar rights under different names. A rose by any other name, while it may smell just as sweet, may not achieve the same brand recognition. Verbal Jazz proposes that the entire Webster's Dictionary be placed under a series of constitutional amendments to legally define contained therein. Thus, we will have legal definitions for such words as "Jazz" and "Verbal," leaving nothing open to interpretation as to what "Verbal Jazz" is.

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I am restricted from calling Ronald McDonald to the stand, your Honor: The House voted in legislation that would ban lawsuits from blaming fast food companies for contributing to obesity. Verbal Jazz sees these types of lawsuits as similar to suing an automaker for causing a highway fatality while going 100MPH in their vehicle: a waste of time blaming someone else for your own mistake. Or suing Anheuser-Busch for making beer that gets people drunk. Verbal Jazz also sees that this is something that courts could work out on their own. Democrats are fuming because they have to challenge anything that has Republican support (and vice-versa): even if it were advocating a national "Hug your momma day." For their part this attempted ban fits in well with the Republican mantra of: "tort reform, tort reform, tort reform." Tort reform is shorthand for "big corporations should not have to worry about peons like you earning damages for their mistakes." Now, go on, hug your momma, it's still the bipartisan thing to do.

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Strong arm of the law: The Boston Patrolmen's Union has called upon Democrats to skip their little sojourn to Boston this summer unless they have a contract with the city in place. The Union, whose members are often called on to "preserve the peace" during protests, also plans to engage in a bit of civil disobedience itself. Note the irony. Way to go...alienate the pro-union party by spoiling their party.

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Reduce the tax burden on anorexics now! At the kickoff for a government sponsored ad campaign to target obesity, newly svelte (15 lbs.) Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tommy Thompson, suggested that Congress consider tax credits to those who lose weight. Perhaps there should also be tax credits for those who drive one mile per hour under the speed limit and for those who pray nightly.

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Apparently, she has not sung yet: Verbal jazz is investigating the rumor that there are actual presidential primaries being voted on today. Can voters from here on out claim they have been disenfranchised since all but one major candidate remains in the Democratic field?

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Added to the list of things one does not attempt after drinking: surgery. A Boston area physician, with a history of drunk driving, allegedly showed up for surgery drunk.

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Approved uses of UCLA cadavers

Verbal Jazz has managed to procure a partial list for the approved uses for cadavers sold by UCLA:

1. Get a more realistic feel for next Weekend at Bernie's flick
2. Increase number of vehicle passengers for HOV lane
3. Seat fillers for Oscar telecast
4. Extras in next Bush commercial/Mel Gibson film
5. Dance partners for the lonely
6. Models for life drawing class
7. Anything "Fear Factor" can come up with

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It's all about keeping healthy families together

John Henry Williams officially ended his attempt to play minor league baseball this weekend and will be reunited with his father in Arizona. These are the moments you want frozen in time.

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Free Martha!

An aria of "Oh, Crap!" or something to that effect, could be heard coming from the offices of K-Mart. So, let the obvious jokes fly about doilies in the penitentiary, or how to get more light into the ordinary jail cell (hint: paint it in a bright color), or even how to make the perfect centerpiece for one room using common jailhouse items. Yes, Martha Stewart was found guilty of several counts of lying and trying to cover her tracks just to score a quick buck.

So here is a quick Verbal Jazz breakdown of what it all means:

1. Women should not be wealthy: yes, the jury convicted all women who earn a lot of money while building a reputation for "bitchiness." Thus, the perfect homemaker should have stayed at home and not been involved in such things as trading stock.
2. The Free Martha movement can continue to fight for its cause: Free Mumia! Free Leonard Peltier! Free Martha!
3. Expect sales of "Martha Stewart Living" to slump.
4. If someone tells you that a stock that you own is going in the tank because of factors that will not be known publicly until tomorrow or the next day, accept your losses, because this is what is known as insider trading.
5. Martha gets street cred. After her parole, Martha gets edgy and daring with recipes and home decor concepts.
6. With John Kerry securing the Democratic Nomination, the media can bludgeon us into submission with the Stewart fallout.

Aaaahhh! So essentially Martha was convicted for lying about a an action for which the charge was dropped last week...hmmm

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The Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week
Making a mockery of all cows be they sacred or profane


Welcome to the world, Crawdad: Congratulations are in order to Katy and Tom, Friends of Verbal Jazz. On Dr. Seuss's 100th birthday, Katy gave birth to John Tollef (otherwise known as Jack), while her husband Tom led the cheering section. Whatever happened to the days when the husband paced in the waiting room and handed out cigars? Verbal Jazz can tell you that Jack is very healthy looking and has the perfect name for a Private Eye who was once a rogue cop... While Katy was pregnant, Verbal Jazz consistently referred to Jack as "Crawdad" because he was, at one point, the size of a crawdad.

Hester Prynne got drunk in Peoria: Illinois is considering handing out special license plates to those who run the misfortune of getting caught DWI three times, possibly two. Verbal Jazz maintains that driving is a privilege while drinking is a right (that is when one is over the age of 21, in the United States). The 18th and #### amendments ensured us of our right to drink like lusty boozehounds. Verbal Jazz wonders if mothers who have children out of wedlock three times will be forced to have a special license plate? The Missus Jazz may have had a point when she said: how can anyone with three drunk driving convictions still be on the road? Who knows, maybe getting the plate will acquire a sort of cache among the trendy? "Dude, you got the plate! Righteous! Did you kill anyone while driving out of your mind?"

Crazy old man dentist: would you really trust an eighty-year-old dentist with a dog in his office (and dog hair in the waiting area)? Not to be agist, but when one is getting their teeth cleaned one should be slobbist. Verbal Jazz is a slob, the Missus Jazz is not. Verbal Jazz is thinking of starting an association called: The Society of Left-Handed Obnoxious Slobs: SloBS. Anyone want to join? The mission will be to confront the daily humiliations and challenges placed on us by a clean, right-handed world. (The preceding paragraph is a perfect example of how "Verbal Jazz" actually works: you start with an idea and let it grow.)

Verbal Jazz gets giddy: Verbal Jazz got a tour of the .406 Club at Fenway Park this week because his company is planning a meeting there next fall. Like many buildings in Boston, Fenway is a "working museum." That's why Fenway fits this city so well: it's old, falling apart, uncomfortable, but there is just so much history there. Amusingly, the event person we spoke with told us that we could not do our even in October or the first week of November, just in case the Red Sox go to the World Series and win...the parade would be in the first week of November. I said, "Hopefully there will be a parade this year."

Rush Limbaugh better hide: President Bush announced a plan to target those who abuse prescription drugs.

Stem cells, here, get your stem cells: A Harvard researcher is giving away stem cells to other scientists. Stem cells give pro-lifers the willies, because they represent such a gray area between scientific progress and clinging to their illusions that there is human life and everything else. I mean, if you are really that wound up about life and death, go vegan before you start protesting abortion clinics. What if that scientist packaged his stem cells and sold them at Fenway Park or other souvenir stands?

It's not cynical, it's leadership, and I was leading you at the time: Firefighters and families of victims of 9/11 have called Bush to task for basking in the glory of 9/11. For those not in the know, Bush began running a series of ads focusing on his "leadership" in the wake of 9/11 featuring a tattered flag in the rubble of the Towers. Seems rather cynical to capitalize on such a tragic moment to suit your own political gains, but what do I know as the grandson of a firefighter? If waging war and diminishing civil liberties is a sign of leadership, I'd hate to be the sheep that said okay to following the shepherd named Bush. Without 9/11 everyone would be ready for this asshole to go.

Mr. Kerry Rising: Now that Kerry is the de facto nominee, Verbal Jazz will ignore presidential politics for the next 8 months or until one of the candidates says something worth making the confused face look for. Actually this will be the last mention of Ralph Nader, until he is mentioned again.

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Bonds, Sheffield, Giambi, Oh My!

The major league baseball steroid controversy took a new step this week, when Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Jason Giambi were all implicated as steroid users along with some other baseball players. Now Bonds' 73 home run season will be (wink, wink) called into question as will any home run hit by any major league baseball player who happens to gain thirty pounds of muscle mass in any given offseason. There has been the usual blathering about the "integrity of the game," a game that has so much integrity that homosexuals feel they have to play closeted and African Americans had to wait until 1947 for Jackie Robinson to break the color barrier. Oh, and good pitchers frequently throw at opposing batters.

Verbal Jazz has some simple solutions for MLB's drug problem. They could move the fences in ten or twenty feet when a non-juiced player is batting. Or, better yet, MLB could establish steroid and non-steroid league (mandatory drug testing to be in either) and have them meet in the World Series: The Boston Red Sox v. San Francisco Juicers, or something like that. Could you imagine players wanting to test positive for 'roids in order to stay in the juiced league? The Steroid league would be much more popular because "chicks dig the long ball."

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Kucinich wins on Super Tuesday!

Kucinich finally wins a primary, albeit it was the one for retention of his own Congressional seat. The Mad Vegan Elf (whom someone pointed out to me looks more like a Vulcan) couldn't even win his own state of Ohio. Even Howard Dean won his own state, even though he is no longer running. That must say something about the mentality of voters in Ohio and Vermont. That must be why Ohio is always considered a key battleground state.

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Good Bye Super Tuesday

Verbal Jazz got out to vote this morning and was number 2 at the polls. That's dedication to the democratic process. Verbal Jazz was tempted to vote for someone who had withdrawn from consideration: say Gephardt, or Mosely Braun, or Dennis Kucinich...oh, yes, he's still running.

Verbal Jazz also has a friend who checked into the hospital this morning in order to deliver her baby. I hope she takes a few moments to vote either during a labor downtime or when the kid (whom Verbal Jazz has nicknamed "Crawdad" for reasons too long to discuss) comes out.

Regime change II, Aristide Development?

Aristide claims that the Bush administration forced him out of Haiti. The Bush Administration claims that Aristide went willingly. Someone is either lying or deluded.

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The Verbal Jazz Highly Suspicious and Completely Immodest Oscar Proposal

Verbal Jazz proposes that we have Oscar night every four years to coincide with the Presidential Election/Leap Year. The Academy can engage in its little love-fest every February 29. This way, the entire process could be handled like the Presidential Primary: one film is selected from each year in between Oscar telecasts with a special Fifth Nominee thinks its time for a change in Hollywood and drains precious votes away from one of the films. Then the Producers, directors, actors, and special effects artists could hold debates as to why their work should be recognized on Oscar night with films not facing a snowball's chance on a hot, muggy afternoon in South Florida left to complain about their lack of attention. Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw and CNN could prematurely call the Oscar contest: "It's 'Seabiscuit' in a clean sweep!" Then they would recant: "No, it looks like it might be 'Mystic River.'" Then they would recant one more time: "Now it is too close to call." If we had this kind of process in place for the Oscar voting, we might be discussing "Gigli" as the Best Picture by order of the Supreme Court.

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Why don't they say: "And the winner is?"
Those working in the special effects field, and perhaps the rest of those in the film industry, must be thankful that "The Lord of the Rings" is finally complete. Perhaps Peter Jackson could take the LOTR outtakes and package a new film called "Lord of the Rings: The Frolicking of the Fellowship," OR "Lord of the Rings: the Rise of the Geeks" but serious Tolkien fans may find some inconsistencies with the original works of the Good Professor. However LOTR:TFOTF or LOTR: TROTG would win the award for Special Effects. In fact, there could be no actual LOTR movie, but just the mere suggestion of one could earn it the Oscar for Special Effects.

Once again Verbal Jazz lets you down
Verbal Jazz did not get to witness the entire ceremony. For that I apologize. You pay me to watch the entire ceremony and I let you down. We understand that Tim Robbins did not deliver a political diatribe upon winning Best Supporting Actor. Maybe he is trying to get invited back to the Baseball Hall of Fame or maybe he is letting the lack of WOMD speak for themselves. I and the Missus Jazz were taking in a bit of actual live theater: "Sly Fox" starring Richard Dreyfus, Eric Stoltz, Rene Aberjenois, Bronson Pinchot, Peter Scolari, and Elizabeth Berkley, who proved that she has still not learned to act since "Showgirls." Ms. Berkley, however, was quite good in "Roger Dodger." Overall, the play featured too many jokes for the groundlings: how many euphemisms can there be for an erection without getting stale? Did either Levitra or Viagra sponsor the play?

Don't be nervous, it's only a couple of hundred million people watching
Verbal Jazz also will not discuss those in the film industry who appeared nervous realizing that in fact there were millions of people sitting in the comfort of their very own homes waiting for ways to find fault with them or their performance. That's right, the millions of us in our living rooms would not be as nervous as you folks!

The highlight of the evening for Verbal Jazz was the song sung by Jack Black and Wil Ferrell to the tune of the music played when an acceptance speech has gone on too long: "You're boring." That should be replayed at every Oscar telecast. The second best highlight was watching "Mitch & Mickey" (Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara) perform "A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow" from "A Mighty Wind." The disappointment was that "Kiss" did not win the Oscar especially when one considers that music was the MO of the whole movie. LOTR:TROTK would have been a great film without the Annie Lennox song, "A Mighty Wind" would have been a much different movie without "Kiss."

Were Verbal Jazz to win an Oscar
First off, Verbal Jazz has no inkling as to how he would actually win an Oscar unless they started giving out awards for sarcasm in the blog world. Should I magically be nominated and actually win, my speech might read something like this:

"I'd like to thank the Missus Jazz and my family. I would gladly give this away if it guaranteed the Red Sox a World Series victory."

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