The Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week
Making light of all things good and bad since birth

This week's list

1. All Quiet on the Campaign Front: Call it the calm before the storm, John Kerry had a clean sweep of the three presidential contests this week. Kerry won with a total of 6 votes from the 11 Democrats that live in Idaho and Utah. It's true, however, that Hawaii gave that Mad Vegan Elf, Dennis Kucinich a major victory with a second place finish to the Vampire known as Kerry. Now the Mad Vegan Elf, with ten delegates only has to generate five more delegates to catch up to Al Sharpton's fifteen. Wouldn't you give up if you happened to trail behind Sharpton? Sharpton? Even though his delegate count is roughly 1.67% that of the frontrunner, and less than half a percent of what it would take to win, the Mad Vegan Elf is still complaining about relatively scant attention paid to an increasingly irrelevant election campaign. Throughout the winnowing process, which can also be an exercise in self-fulfilling prophesies propagated by the Scylla and Charybdis of the modern election cycle: the media and the pollsters, and survival prospects of the candidates that seem to catch the "electability" buzz, Kucinich has earned the right to be discussed less because he doesn't generate the votes, no matter when one may think of his message. Hawaii Kerry also won in Utah and Idaho, with what is most likely a total of 6 or seven votes, since those states tend to vote Republican.

2. One man's "Passion," many viewers' pain: Not since "The Cat in the Hat" has there been a film that generated as much controversy over interpretations of original text. Verbal Jazz won't unfairly criticize "The Passion of the Christ" or even condescend to give it a needlessly complicated movie rating. The film has generated a lot of buzz because it: depicts Jews in what some see as a negative light; is horrifically violent in a death fetishist, sadomasochistic sort of way; and proves that Mel Gibson has what may be called fringe religious beliefs. Audiences who have been going to see it have rather enjoyed the experience of watching a man being tortured for two hours.

3. My god, what filth comes from our own noses! Verbal Jazz is not a fan of Howard Stern, but, hey, it's supposedly a free country. Stern is not exactly my brand of humor. Verbal Jazz would be more excited about Clear Channel's decision to suspend his show were it purely an economic move (i.e. people just got tired of him). With the government on the warpath since Ms. Jackson (yep, Verbal Jazz is still nasty) showed a little flesh, big and small nedia have been feeling the heat of "decency." Look for the FCC to restrict media standards so much that we'll have to go back to the days of Wally and the Beav, or even, god help us, "Happy Days:" shows that were so unoffensive as to be offensive, right, Buck-o?

4. Martha, the miracle worker: Is Martha going to walk? The judge in her trial threw out one of the main charges against her: fraud. Isn't the whole Martha Stewart empire a fraud to begin with? The fraud of the happy and perfect homemaker? When all is said and done, should taxpayer money have been wasted on this investigation and prosecution? Verbal Jazz would like to see Martha walk away from this scandal and see them go after someone who was really up to some nefariousness. Perhaps Cybill Shephard can appear in the "Law & Order" episode, ripped from the headlines, where she plays a Martha-like character.

5. Are you sure they weren't seasick? Verbal Jazz would be most remiss in not noting the Green Polar Bears in a Singapore zoo. Apparently, they were growing algae in their fur, kind of like living Chia-Pets. The Missus Jazz is very fond of Polar Bears and even has a stuffed animal named Polar Bear that she has had since she was a small child. The Missus Jazz has also received two other polar bears, PB&J and Nubert (pronounced "New Bear"). Don't look for Verbal Jazz to go dying any of these polar bears green, the Missus Jazz may not like that.

|

John Kerry, States Rightist

Democratic Presidential hopeful and likely nominee, John Kerry came out in favor of blocking gay marriage in Massachusetts, but against the Constitutional Amendment nationwide. In other news Kerry expresses best wishes to the Red Sox this season, but does not support baseball as a national pastime.

|

It's like a line in the sand, sort of

Verbal Jazz has a neat idea: the Constitution is too permissive, let's rewrite it so as to deny rights to citizens in a desperate appeal for moral "clarity." Let's get one thing straight here: sending troops to die in a war to remove a brutal dictator leaving a power vacuum which has spawned the kind of terrorism that we sought to eliminate is an issue that requires moral clarity, allowing people the right to define themselves as a family should be fairly simple.

What the President wants proposes the Constitution to do is narrowly define the meaning of marriage. Even the definition of marriage as that "between a man and a woman" can be open to interpretation: are hermaphrodites allowed to marry themselves, or not to marry at all? Do those who have had the reproductive organs removed qualify (lose your testes, lose your marriage license?) The likelihood of such an amendment passing seems very small right now, but it could happen if enough Democrats decide they don't want to be labeled the "Party of Gay Marriage." Should an amendment pass, Verbal Jazz proposes that we then go through every single amendment to narrowly define such items as "well regulated militia" as an "efficient" army and "unreasonable searches and seizures" as those without reason.

Verbal Jazz even respects the reluctance of people to attend gay weddings. Hey, that's your choice, but don't go around explicitly denying someone their rights. To paraphrase Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) If we restrict gay marriages, we'll then move on to restricting couples into BDSM (Quick! Ban the bondage queens from marriage!), anyone who has ever had a sexually transmitted disease (Away from the altar thou unclean whore) and then any woman who is not a virgin will be restricted from going to the altar.

Allowing freedoms will always allow for a bit of discomfort. Verbal Jazz is not exactly comfortable with allowing white supremacists to breed (and potentially create more white supremacists). In fact, Verbal Jazz has problems with lots of people who breed, including the wealthy, politicians, the poor and anyone with an utter lack of irony, but the government has no business defining who can breed and certainly no business defining marriage along the lines of a religious sacrament. Let the churches decide to define marriage as a sacrament between a man and a woman and let us all accept the unions of those who aspire to be a family.

|

Satire
NEA members shipped to Guantanamo Bay

Just days after Education Secretary Rod Paige referred to the National Education Association (NEA) as a "terrorist organization" the CIA began rounding up key NEA members, including NEA President Reg Weaver, and shipping them to Guantanamo Bay, where they are to be held as enemy combatants.

Attorney General John Ashcroft defended this action by stating that "these so-called educators pose a genuine threat to national security." The Attorney General then called for them to be tried by a military tribunal and executed because "membership in the NEA is akin to revoking your citizenship." When it was pointed out that NEA members can be US citizens, Ashcroft backed off stating that, "We'll look into the citizenship issues surrounding membership in this fringe organization."

President Bush said, "I support the Education Secretary in this matter. This is a time of war, and in a time of war we must do what we can to silence the enemy." The president would not answer any reporter questions, but White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan emphasized that the NEA was planning "dangerous and divisive maneuvers." When asked what those maneuvers are, McClellan said that the NEA wanted "break away from rote learning of the basics and encourage classroom discussions. Who knows what kind of terrorist cells could arise from classroom discussion? Kids might begin to support gay marriage?"

Senator John Kerry at first sounded as though he applauded the move, then quickly moved to take an anti-Bush stance on the issue.

|

Kerry is so very ... Nuanced, but is he Society worthy?

Yesterday, President Flyboy nominated his likely rival, Massachusetts Senator Vampire ("Don't bury me, I'm never dead) for induction into the Verbal Jazz Society for Elliptical Reasoning. Actually, President Bush, a charter member of the Society for Elliptical Reasoning ("Healthy Forests Initiative" = clearcutting is good for the environment; "Clear Skies Initiative:" Let's roll back environmental regulations on power plants because it will clear the air; and don't even get me started on going to war over weapons that inspectors never found, but we knew they were there, even though we later admitted that they may not have been there, but some scientist was making drawings of said mythical weapons just to avoid an execution, or something like that), has probably never heard of the Society. What Flyboy (I may not have been there, but at least I got paid) did say is that Kerry is for and against "Tax Relief" (another SER-quality euphemism), for and against the "Patriot Act" (so named as to brand anyone who opposes it is an Anti-Patriot, see?) and for and against the Iraq War Resolution. Surely the Vampire will find some long winded means of saying why he is for those things in principle, but not in the practice of the Administration. Being a member of the undead, Kerry has no concept of time, see? Kerry's supporters and random journalists would call this "nuanced."

Verbal Jazz makes no assumptions about Kerry's nuances, but assumes that if Kerry does carry the Democrat torch this Fall, he will find a way to earn his nomination into that elite Society of Elliptical Reasoning.

|

You make me wanna Ralph! (New inductee into the Society for Elliptical Reasoning!)

The Democratic Party shuddered with the memory of losing New Hampshire and Florida in the 2000 General Election when Ralph Nader decided he would once again run for President, this time as an independent, not a nominee of the "Cute Little Enviro-Commies," er Green Party. Yes, even the Greens wizened up as they realized that the only green that the Bush White House sees is the cash in their bank account and stock portfolio. Somewhere along the way, the Gore defeat allowed for a White House that has no recognition of the word "Protection" in the acronym EPA.

As usual Nader dropped his lines about the two-party system and corporate interests running Washington with no difference between Democrats and Republicans.

Ralphie Boy is now the newest inductee into the Verbal Jazz Society for Elliptical Reasoning because:

1. He claims that the primary goal is to beat Bush. Any idiot, and idiot is not a word I bandy about lightly, can see that votes going to Nader would more than likely go to the Democrat in a true "Lesser of Two Evils Contest" (New Verbal Jazz Glossary Term) or, as you may know it, general election. Nader seeks a Lesser of Two Evils With a Throwaway "Message Vote" Contest. If he really cared about not seeing Bush in the White House, Ralphie Boy wouldn't run.

2. Nader claimed that those who tried to convince him not to run were violating his First Amendment rights. So, Ralphie Boy, someone asking you not to run is violating your right to free speech by asserting their own right to free speech? Do we have the same First Amendment? Now holding a gun to your head and saying, "Don't run or we'll break your motherf***** legs," would be a violation of your First Amendment rights.

Now Nader's critics (especially Rev. Al, who supported Nader in 2000) might also become new inductees into the Verbal Jazz Society for Elliptical Reasoning because they claim that Nader is running for "selfish" reasons. Last time I checked Verbal Jazz noted that running for elected office is inherently selfish (as is blogging). It takes some brass cajones (or lack of self awareness) to believe that one is up to the job of President. Verbal Jazz will revisit this topic...let Nader win at least one vote..into the Society for Elliptical Reasoning!

|

The Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week

Does low carb mean cutting out carbonation or carburetors?

1. We're NOT going to California, or anywhere else, after all, and we blew all your money: Howard Dean called it quits on Wednesday after his all or nothing pledge in Wisconsin turned out to be, well, nothing. Verbal Jazz would liken a donation to the Dean campaign (or Kucinich or Sharpton) as the equivalent of a lottery bet: the odds are stacked against you, but you believe you can win. The Mother of Verbal Jazz (Jazzmom?) likes to play the lottery, she has not won ONE MILLION yet. Neither has Verbal Jazz, although he hardly ever plays.

2. Distractions, who needs...hey are those lesbians kissing? Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank has referred to the current issuance of gay marriage licenses in San Francisco a "distraction." Frank, being a homosexual, was coming from a more expansive view that holds a direct refutation (and flaunting of such refutation) of the law automatically diminishes the effect that those getting married in San Francisco are trying to achieve. In other words, Frank is telling them to pick their battles. Laura Bush called gay marriages "Yucky" or something to that effect. Actually, that may have been something the president said behind closed doors.

3. Just like Athens and Sparta, although the ramifications are much greater: The Red Sox (Athens) v. Yankees (Sparta) has set up a bipolar system of power in the American league, although the melodrama has taken on the quality of Shakespearean drama; witness the following soliloquy:

A-ROD: Friends, teammates, baseball scribes, lend me your ears
I come not to play baseball, but to win
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows
Of last place, while getting paid, or to make one last
Attempt for a World Series Ring.
The Quality of mercy is third base, while Jeter boots another ball
And the Red Sox hang in...

With Red Sox owner (principle owner, Verbal Jazz is aware) sniping, and Steinbrenner telling him to calm down, the time is right for the Devil Rays to win the AL East.

4. Number one search item of the week: Atkins autopsy: Verbal Jazz is having a bagel with a rich bread spread, a side of pretzels with his pasta and an unnamed potato side dish as he contemplates the number one search engine item of the week.

5. Angry smokers: A recent study found that those who are easy to anger may be especially susceptible to nicotine. In other words hostile and aggressive people have a greater tendency to smoke. Since one could see cigarette smoke as an assault on those in proximity to it, this makes perfect sense. Now Verbal Jazz has angered at least one half of his audience. The other person who reads this may keep doing so.

6. Finally, just a thought: Why do those who argue for free markets argue for tort reform? Isn't that just letting the judge or jury act as the "market?"

|

The Cheese-Head Primary

Kerry wins again but Edwards finishes a strong second. Now comes the part of the marathon where the pack is so far behind that it remains to be seen whether the runner in second can overtake the runner in first.

It's a two person race

Howard Dean stepped out of the presidential race after going 0 for 17 this primary season after being far ahead in the polls in the latter half of 2003. As a consolation prize Dean gets to comfort of knowing he had the scream that launched a thousand editorial cartoons.

Satire
It's a tie, really

Former Presidential Candidate, Joseph Lieberman declared himself in a tie for first in the Wisconsin Primary, even though he had dropped out of the running a long time ago.

Satire
Who would the Doctor endorse?

Kerry continued to ignore the other contenders for the Democratic nomination and launched an attack on the White House: "For years, the Bush administration has had this country on an Atkins diet of defense
contracts and special interest lobbying, which has led to governmental heart disease and a bloated budget big enough to make Dr. Atkins himself look skinny at the time of his death." When asked if he was disparaging the Atkins diet Kerry said, "Not if it works and there are no health risks involved."

John Edwards when asked about the Atkins diet said, "my daddy worked in a mill, he didn't need a diet, Atkins or otherwise."

Gratuitous Yankees potshot, perhgaps inspired by jealousy

The photos of A-Rod receiving his official Yankees gear look suspiciously like a coronation, or a knighting. Welcome to the Round Table, sir A-Rod. A-Rod presents himself like a presidential candidate, eh? If he were on the ballot, A-Rod would be sure to lose in Massachusetts. Would A-Rod be a Democrat or a Republican? Well, he seemed in a hurry to get out of the President's home state and away from the President's former team...to flee to either bastion of liberalism: Boston or New York. You decide...But Fox News may want to investigate just how "American" is the "best" baseball player in America?

|

It must be an election year

While perusing a bookstore today (and, no, Missus Jazz, I did not buy anything!), I noticed an unusual number of self-bloating hucksters if invective disguised as rational thought. If Verbal Jazz were not a supporter of the First Amendment, he might be tempted to affix such books with a warning label:

"Warning: this book is intended as a work of non-fiction, but it may very well be a work of fiction, since it is filled with nothing more than baseless, partisan rhetoric."

Verbal Jazz will leave you to guess a list of authors to whom this warning may apply.

|

Results of the Verbal Jazz investigation into the Super Bowl halftime show

After conducting a lengthy investigation into the Super Bowl halftime show which featured a bare breast of pop star Janet Jackson, Verbal Jazz can only conclude that the halftime show should be explicitly dedicated to more advertising, since roughly half of the people watch the Super Bowl for these ads anyway. Remember, if you have an erection lasting longer than four days, you must call a doctor.

Verbal Jazz plans to investigate faulty intelligence pointing to stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction at a later, unspecified date.

|

Satire
Dean proposes making a holiday of Vince Lombardi's birthday

GREEN BAY, WI - in a last ditch attempt to attract votes in the Wisconsin primary, Democratic Candidate Howard Dean vowed that he would fight to make Vince Lombardi's birthday a national holiday. Dean noted that Lombardi, former coach of the Green Bay Packers and winning coach for the first two Super Bowls, "is a model of leadership and an inspiration." Dean also said, "We have to have those who wear foam cheeses on their heads on board."

Pundits have already dismissed this move as a last ditch capitulation to the "Cheese-Head" vote. Advisors to President Bush are drafting a plan to portray Lombardi as an un-American traitor to freedom in case Dean manages to secure the nomination. Democratic front runner, John Kerry gave a lengthy explanation both for and against Dean's proposal.

Deaniacs, who continue to have that dreamy look in their eye, have already made a run on foam cheese heads with the logo "Dean for America" printed on top.

|

Yankees acquire another overpaid superstar, Red Sox fans implode

The Yankees have acquired Alex Rodriguez (hereinafter known as "A-Rod") in a move designed to improve their team and humiliate their main rivals, the Boston Red Sox. For those not in the know, the Sox tried to acquire A-Rod's contract just a few short months ago, but were thwarted by the Major League Baseball Players Association's fundamental misunderstanding of the rudimentary calculus involved in the restructuring A-Rod's contract. The Yankees, on the other hand, stuck to simple math, gave away one of their best, but very impatient, players (Alfonso Soriano) and continued to turn themselves into the baseball version of Standard Oil. Next year, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner will skip the formality and pay each team $30 Million for the right to take home the World Series trophy, whether the Yankees win the Series or not.

|

The Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week

Verbal Jazz has written enough about Gay Marriage this week. The Mass state legislature will regroup on March 11. That said here is this week's list:

1. Have a heart: Verbal Jazz is not a doctor (and no, there will be no joke about playing one on TV. That joke can only be made by those who remember the commercial for the over-the-counter medicine in which a man who played a doctor on a soap opera uttered that famous line.) Even though Verbal Jazz does not possess a medical degree, I must admit that the whole idea of the Atkins diet seems antithetical to, well, health. Even though the doc's widow disagrees with the assessment that he was overweight and had a history of heart disease, the proof of the diet is in the dying. As you may know, Doctor Atkins' autopsy revealed a history of heart disease and he was obese at the time of his death. To be fair, Doctor Atkins was apparently on meds that made him retain fluid and pumped up his weight. As Boston Globe columnist Alex Beam pointed out yesterday, there is a fortune to be made from the name Atkins, so it may be best to protect his memory. Verbal Jazz prefers rigorous exercise as his means of staying fit.

2. Just show up whenever, you're all good: The White House released documents this week at proving the president fulfilled his National Guard duty. Republicans are up in arms because Democrats let Bill Clinton slide on shirking military service during the Vietnam era. Democrats, on the other hand, are preparing to stand up behind a war hero propped up against a war hero wannabe. Verbal Jazz makes no claim to know whether the President actually fulfilled his guard duty, but does note that he did not seem to take it seriously, like many other things. To put it in perspective: were Verbal Jazz published with the frequency of President Flyboy's National Guard visits, well, you could expect the next post sometime in August, but I would still claim that Verbal Jazz is frequently posted.

3. Torch song eulogy: Former Senator Robert Torricelli (aka the "Torch") was apparently the mastermind (or at least the moneymind) behind a number of negative Anti-Dean ads that ran in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina. Upon finding out that the disgraced Senator was behind these ads, Dean lashed out at the lack of ethics plaguing the Kerry campaign. Dean also vowed to fight beyond the ultra important Wisconsin primary. Verbal Jazz will note that part of the primary process involves winnowing the field. Somewhere along the way, Dean lost momentum and has not been able to regain it.

4. Let's rebrand it as Disney World brought to you by Comcast: Cable media giant Comcast has proposed to buy Disney and soon a media monolith grows. Verbal Jazz may have to refer to the Comcast Marathon he recently ran, as opposed to the Disney Marathon. If this deal actually does go through my cable company would then own a number of networks on its channels and since Comcast is the Internet provider to the House of Verbal Jazz, I will no longer be allowed to say anything bad about either Comcast or Disney. In fact, I may have to plug them both at least once a week so that my cable won't get shut off and I can still publish Verbal Jazz.

5. We have a vicious, unfounded rumor that several prominent Republicans may have once pleasured themselves: The Drudge Report published an unfounded rumor that John Kerry had an affair with an intern that the mainstream press has yet to really look into. Would it be too much to hope for that people stop listening to this clown? Or that (choose your semantic phrasing: 1.lying to the American people OR 2. misreading intelligence) about those darn weapons is a bit more severe than whether a politician sheds clothing? Would you believe it if Verbal Jazz printed an unfounded rumor about several prominent Republicans? Verbal Jazz has it from an unnamed source that unnamed Republicans have been known to engage in acts of (choose your semantic phrasing: 1."self-love" OR 2. "self-abuse"). This could be potentially damaging to their careers if the names are released. According to a source in the White House, these Republicans: administration officials as well as members of Congress keep a stack of pornographic magazines and regularly use government issued computers to access porn sites on the Internet. Verbal Jazz does not think so.

6. Happy birthday, Missus Jazz! It is actually tomorrow (yes, Valentine's Day).

|

Will you tentatively marry me?

Massachusetts is the center of the sexual universe! The Massachusetts State Legislature is mulling an amendment to the state constitution that would define "marriage" as that between a man and a woman, yet allow civil unions. In other words legislators are voting on semantics. There is no word on whether they have yet to consider hermaphrodites as part of the definition, or those who have had to have genitalia removed.

The legislators are currently working on the wording of their proposed amendment. If it passes the legislature in two consecutive sessions it then goes to the voters in 2006. Verbal Jazz would vote against amending the constitution and allow for gay marriage with the hope that I would be invited to a few. Verbal Jazz is all about personal choice: that's why they call it "Freedom." If state legislatures continue to mull marriage semantics at this rate, we may soon be only allowed to married once there is a child in the picture, thus ensuring that every child be conceived outside the bonds of holy matrimony.

Law of unintended consequences

Senator Kerry (you know the guy with the most delegates in the Democratic nomination so far) probably wishes the gay marriage issue came up after the General Election in November. It looks like the Republicans are going to focus on "moral issues" (think: "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God") and their cute little "war on terror" while Kerry has to defend his home state without saying he is for gay marriage. Straight shooting does not typically win elections: it gets you a lot of good press, then a lot of bad press (see: Dean, Howard; McCain, John).

It also gives Governor Glove (Mitt Romney, get it?) a step up in the national Republican party. The Salt Lake City Olympics did that, as well. But Mitt gets to go hardcore against those loony lefties in Massachusetts: gay marriage, death penalty, big dig, Mass Pike. Yawn.

Future generations will probably look back on the rancor of the gay marriage debate and wonder what is the big deal about Harry having two mommies who can visit each other in the hospital or provide child support. Hindsight always provides focus.

|

Satire
Justice Scalia to star in duck hunting show

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CRAP TV is proud to announce that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has agreed to star in a new TV series called "Hunting for Justice." On "Hunting for Justice" Justice Scalia will go hunting with litigants in cases that have accepted by the Supreme Court.

"Justice Scalia has his own personal brand of wisdom that will liven up the Court TV lineup," said CRAP TV CEO, Chad Marshman. "We expect Justice Scalia to discuss such hot button issues as Roe v. Wade, gay marriage, and Vice President Cheney's energy commission."

Justice Scalia expects that even though the hunting may be lousy, there should be no conflict of interest, since he is going on these trips as part of the entertainment industry and not in his capacity as a Supreme Court justice.

|

What can you do with a general when he stops being a general?

Word on the street is that retired General Wesley Clark is dropping out of the race for the Democratic Nomination today after getting spanked by Massachusetts Senator John Kerry in the Virginia and Tennessee primaries yesterday. Too bad mystery writers don't focus on this type of whodunit: Who killed Clark's candidacy?

Clark was actively recruited by the Democrats when it seemed like Howard Dean would cruise to the nomination. This, of course, was well before a single primary vote was cast, back in the heady days of Democrats shouting mightily against the war in Iraq and well before people began to wonder what exactly a "caucus" is. The Dems thought that Clark had an air of "Electablity" and would offer the kind Mil Cred that could challenge the costume wearing flyboy in the White House. Dean certainly does not have mil cred. What the Democrats didn't count on was that Clark is a terrible campaigner who sounds like a grown-up Alvin the Chipmunk with a Southern twang, and never seemed to have a political belief. Plus, his name is Wesley.

|

Just posted

The Battle of Marathon page has been updated.

|

Satire
Bush fears he would have to marry Cheney

Sources inside the White House state that the President's opposition to Gay Marriage stems from the fear that he would be forced to marry Vice President Cheney, a potentially politically damaging union in light of the Vice President's recent duck hunting trip with Justice Scalia, ties to Halliburton, and attempts to create energy policy in secret. Instead of pushing for arranged homosexual marriages in order to support an "agenda" the President thinks we should have arranged heterosexual marriages, according to one White House source. "Plus, the Vice President is really not the President's type. The President is wants someone a little more fit," the source went on to say.

|

Please forgive Verbal Jazz

Verbal Jazz normally likes to remain on top of zeitgeistian pop culture moments. Verbal Jazz was there to help you make sense of Janet Jackson's right breast; Verbal Jazz guided you through the conflicted feelings you had when it seemed certain that A-Rod would go to the Red Sox; Verbal Jazz guided you through the meaning of political polling and the Al Gore endorsement of Howard Dean; Verbal Jazz even stayed up to watch the State of the Union. This weekend I did not watch the Grammys, the NFL pro-bowl, or pay any attention to the three presidential primaries held this past weekend in Washington, Michigan and Maine. Verbal Jazz apologizes for his lack of attention to these details. Long ago, Verbal Jazz decided that the NFL Pro-Bowl and the Grammys did not matter much, except to the people who watch them. The Pro Bowl comes after the crowning of the champion (ie the Super Bowl for those who watch it for the ads) and taste in music is way too diverse for an award show (i.e. the Grammys). As for the primaries...well, if you do not know John Kerry won all three your name must be Dennis Kucinich.

|

The Society for Elliptical Reasoning - Thomas Menino

The latest inductee into the Society for Elliptical Reasoning is Boston Mayor Tom (Don't call me "Mumbles") Menino who claimed last week that the real culprit in the post Super Bowl rioting in Boston is Sunday liquor sales. What the Mayor conveniently forgets is the rioting that followed the Patriots victory two years ago, when there were no Sunday liquor sales in Boston and that most liquor stores were closed by the time the game started. The mayor was trying to gloss over an alarmingly low number of police officers working the night of the Super Bowl.

|

The Verbal Jazz Highlights and Low Notes of the Week

1. They say, "Boy you gonna be president:" In the war of attrition, Joseph Lieberman was the loser this week, while Howard Dean has faltered to the point where he has taken on the politician's role of unironic optimism in the face of a losing battle ("We will win in Wisconsin.") Meanwhile, Ralph Nader continues to serve his own ends while mulling a 2004 run for the Presidency. Listening to Nader on NPR, Verbal Jazz was struck by his smug indifference to the opinion of those who would ask that he not run. Nader claims that they are trying to violate his First Amendment rights. Let's get one thing straight here, Ralphie boy, asking you not to run is a healthy display of First Amendment rights. So, Ralphie Boy, why not run and further diminish your once considerable credibility.

2. Take my wife, er husband, er domestic partner...what do we call it? Please? The Supreme Judicial Court in Massachusetts says, that, no, legislators cannot pull an end around by substituting Civil Unions for marriage between homosexuals, in case there was any doubt. This prompted outrage from President Flyboy and the Blow-Dried Guv (Mitt Romney. Seriously who names their child after a hand covering meant to protect from a hot cookie sheet or a hard baseball?) and arch socially conservative Democrat, Thomas Finneran (Speaker of the House in the Massachusetts State Legislature). Certain Massachusetts lawmakers are mulling a proposed constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage, Archbishop Sean O'Malley of the Archdiocese of Boston is all for it and apparently has a very short memory of the history of the Archdiocese. Verbal Jazz notes that it would take two years to bring the issue to the ballot by which time the voters in Massachusetts may have become comfortable or at least apathetic to the idea of gay marriage...or Verbal Jazz may eat his words in two years. This is why Verbal Jazz shies away from prognostications...they are almost always wrong. But remember it was once taboo in certain areas for African Americans and Whites to share the same school.

3. We can say "breast," we just can't show it: There has been much more written about Janet Jackson's right tit in the last week than there has about David Kay coming clean about there being no weapons of mass destruction (WoMD) in Iraq. Janet Jackson's sudden exposure is easy to have an opinion on: "How reprehensible!" "How demeaning to women!" "There should be a tape delay!" "Our culture is going down the tubes!" "This is not okay but eating a pig uterus is?" It's those moments of moral gray area that are harder to digest and not quite as titillating. While Verbal Jazz does not object to the baring of a woman's breast, I do find the Super Bowl halftime show to be, well, a bit overdone.

4. Fortune's Ricin: Ricin was found in Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's mailroom earlier this week. Apparently, Ricin is not a very good biological agent with which to kill people, if that was the intent. No doubt there will be conspiracy theories claiming that it is an elaborate scheme to generate fear and maintain the appearance that the war on terror is still being waged (they never caught the Anthrax mailer, either).

5. Duck Season: Is it really improper for Justice Scalia to go duck hunting with the Secret Agent Veep (Cheney) before the Supreme Court hears arguments on the Secret Agent Veep's secret energy cabal? And for Justice Scalia to hunt on the dime of an energy company who stands to benefit from Cheney's energy policy and may have even been part of said cabal? Verbal Jazz will let you, the reader decide if there is any conflict of interest. It is more than likely that Justice Scalia would have already made up his mind on this case with or without the apparent conflict of interest.

Verbal Jazz may have also made some clever Elmer Fudd analogy if cartoonist Mark Fiore had not already done so. Actually, no, Verbal Jazz may never have thought of the Elmer Fudd anaology without Fiore's work.

6. Weapons of Political Destruction: Yesterday, CIA Director George Tenet gave a speech defending intelligence gathering on Iraqi weapons. He said something to the effect of: "We're better off just guessing whether there are weapons or not." Seriously, his actual quote was more along the lines of: "When the facts on Iraq are all in, we will be neither completely right nor completely wrong." Among other things, Tenet noted that the CIA was not able to get into Saddam's inner sanctum, which, apparently provided all the proof the White House needed that there were weapons in Iraq. Meanwhile, President Flyboy has appointed a commission to investigate failed intelligence that the administration used to assume there was an imminent threat.

7. Proof Tom Brady is Gay: This was the number 1 search engine topic on Verbal Jazz this week. Verbal Jazz makes no assumption as to the sexual preference of any NFL Quarterback, Defensive End or Strong Safety. Verbal Jazz also offers no proof on Mr. Brady's sexuality.

8. Verbal Jazz gets a job: Yes, it's true. I start on February 17.

|

First, we must mobilize the Cheese Heads

America's Dairy Land: home to the model NFL franchise (the Green Bay Packers are owned by the fans), the less than model Major League Baseball franchise (the Milwaukee Brewers are not technically owned by the Commissioner, just his daughter), and the fictional setting for "Happy Days" and "Laverne & Shirley." Now the Wisconsin Primary on February 17 will apparently be ground zero for the Rock Star Candidate (Howard Dean). If he loses, Dr. Dean goes back home to Ben and Jerry Land with his proverbial cow tail between his legs while getting to listen to Dr. Judy talk about her patients, if he wins, Verbal Jazz may actually get to mull whether to vote for him in the Super Tuesday primaries on March 2. The prevailing 20/20 hindsight has already begun to dissect just what went wrong with the Dean campaign before the primary season is over. As any good Rock Star knows: "it's better to burn out than fade away."

Verbal Jazz can only imagine the calls from the Dean staffers:

"Dr. Dean just loves Brett Favre."
"Howard Dean would love to wear a cheese head."
"Howard Dean would never take a bat to an unsuspecting sausage."
"Milwaukee's Beast..I mean Best? Sure."

|

He's not going to Disney World yet

The Vampire (John Kerry) keeps sucking more lifeblood (votes) from his competition and continues to gain momentum. Dorian Gray (John Edwards) took South Carolina and General Flip-Flop (Wesley Clark) took Oklahoma, while The Vampire took the other five. Howard Dean took a fat load of nothing which, using Joe Lieberman mathematics, qualifies as a tie for first.

"For the second time in a few days, a New England patriot has won on the road," Kerry told his supporters. He conveniently forgot that New England Patriot, Tom Brady, was a guest of the White House at the State of the Union. Tom Brady has also been to Disney World. Perhaps Disney could pull the Disney World marketing scheme at the Democratic National Convention, where the winner screams "I'm going to Disney World!" for the commercial. Also, an election is all about winning on the road: if Kerry only won at home, he probably would have quit by the time Massachusetts votes in the primaries (Super Tuesday, March 2).

Dorian Gray continues to be a formidable challenger. Verbal Jazz admits to being most impressed with his speaking style and refusal to use a podium. Dorian Gray comes off more like a motivational speaker (think Tom Cruise in "Magnolia").

General Flip-Flop gets to hang around for more after eking out a win in Oklahoma.

Am I disappointed? Yes...er, no...

Joe Lieberman decided to forego his "Joe-mentum" and will no longer seek the presidency. Verbal Jazz would note that Lieberman was not so much seeking the presidency as he was seeking to be a footnote in history. The non-endorsement by former running mate Al Gore must have really stung.

To add injury to insult: Lieberman was focusing on winning Delaware in which a total of 33,000 votes were cast. Delaware? Delaware is the kind of place that you move to if your job requires it, not where you pin the hopes of a political career.

Slate has a wonderful "Joebituary" of the Liberman campaign.

Survey reveals that most people associate "Dean" with a "College or University Administrator" not a Presidential Candidate:

Howard Dean virtually, well, actually, ignored the states that were holding primaries yesterday focusing on Washington, Michigan and Maine this weekend. Verbal Jazz would note that by refusing to campaign you take yourself out of the news and allow your opponents to gain some momentum. So very Rock n' Roll: screw the establishment and set your own course of action. Wouldn't you rather hang out in Seattle than Dover, Delaware?

Verbal Jazz has heard and read far too many comparisons between the dot-com bubble (quick, give Verbal Jazz money, I have a dot-com which will generate revenue at some point!) and the Dean campaign (quick! Give us money! Our anger at the Bush administration will bring us victory!).

Verbal Jazz had a very postmodern moment while listening to NPR last night. One of the commentators said: "I wouldn't have believed you if you told me three weeks ago that we would be sitting here and not talking about Howard Dean, but here we are not talking about Howard Dean." Yet, at that moment, they were talking about Howard Dean.

Speaking of Gore endorsements, it seems his man, Howard Dean, has watched his campaign falter. Perhaps the Democrats should hope for Gore to actually endorse Bush, or they could put him to work on "Earth in the Balance II" set to star Leonardo DiCaprio in the lead role, inspired by Gore himself.


Is that an unfounded rape charge in your pocket or do you really want to unite people?

Verbal Jazz has heard and/or read of at least two comparisons between the campaigns of Reverend Al Sharpton and, in the 1980s, Reverend Jesse Jackson. Back in the 80s, African-American voters voted for Jackson, while Sharpton's non-delegate producing 10% output in South Carolina shows that African-American voters were not looking to RevAl to be the standard bearer in 2004. Let's put this into some perspective: RevAl has Tawana Brawley in his past and he never took the Presidential race seriously. The Sharpton campaign was more about getting himself on a stage than it was to bring about any social or political change.

Kucinich-ich-ich-ich...

The Mad Vegan Elf (Kucinich) is running a campaign in an echo chamber. Is there any excuse for having his name on the ballot anymore?

What does it all mean?

It all means that there are more primaries to go and that there is absolutely no outside chance of having to suffer through a Gephardt-Bush debate or a Lieberman-Bush debate.

|

We demand an investigation

Less than 24 hours after Janet Jackson's breast shocked the world, FCC Chairman Michael Powell promised an investigation into the incident. Presumably the investigation will show that Justin Timberlake actually did rip off a part of Miss Jackson's (Verbal Jazz is, apparently, "Nasty) bondage gear and expose one of a pair of baby feeders to millions of people, many of whom have no interest in football. Unfortunately, Miss Jackson (yep, still "Nasty") can't fall back on the excuse that she's a wet nurse and was late for an appointment.

In other investigative news, President Bush promised an independent panel to look into intelligence failures that determined Iraq to have Weapons of Mass Destruction. Democrats are worried that, since the panel will be appointed by the White House, that the panel will basically glad handle the investigation. Oh, and the panel probably won't report until after the November elections.

In the spirit of independent investigations, Verbal Jazz proposes that Miss Jackson (you know that Verbal Jazz is "Nasty) appoint an independent commission dedicated to finding out who knew about her breast, when did they know it, and whether Timberlake was an active part of the conspiracy, or merely a victim of circumstance.

|

Super Bowl Corollary

In the heady giddiness of celebrating another Patriots victory, Verbal Jazz neglected to mention the following:

Mother-in-Law Addendum: The Verbal Jazz Mother-in-Law (an avid reader) also objected to Kid Rock wearing the flag as an article of clothing, which she points out as illegal. Silly Mother-in-Law, as a librarian you should be championing the First Amendment privilege of making an ass out of yourself.

Speaking of the First Amendment: Peter King, who writes the Monday Morning Quarterback column for SportsIllustrated.com wonders why the Super Bowl would reject an ad from MoveOn.org calling Bush's escalation of the debt into question, yet choose to air anti-smoking and anti-drug ads that clearly have a political agenda. Verbal Jazz will go one further: all advertising is essentially propaganda aimed at making the recipient of the message take an action: not do drugs, spend money, long for an elusive erection.

Commercials: on the whole, those at the House of Verbal Jazz were not impressed. At one point Verbal Jazz noted: "Could you imagine the brainstorming session where that was the best idea?"

|

The Greatest Super Bowl ever?

Verbal Jazz correctly predicted that the team that scored the most points would win the Super Bowl. Thankfully that team is the Patriots. Most Super Bowl postmortems will discuss point to the Panthers failure on two two-point conversion attempts, how the low-scoring defensive game gave way to a high scoring offensive game, the Patriots squib kick, the Panthers shanked kickoff, the 85 yard Super Bowl touchdown record, Adam Vinatieri kicking another Super Bowl game winning kick, and, of course Janet Jackson's boob. As for Ms. Jackson's boob, Verbal Jazz prefers to see this as a publicity stunt, and, yes, I did see it. Verbal Jazz will not be discussing any of these actual keys to the game (exposed breasts mean a lot to the outcome of football games: witness all the shirtless fools in twenty-degree weather in Buffalo).

The real keys to the Patriots win:

* Verbal Jazz wore his t-shirt commemorating the Patriots victory in Super Bowl XXXVI
* Kerry (NE) v. Edwards (CAR) on the football field
* Lack of real pressure on the Patriots because of 1918
* Pats fans made sure to note that the Panthers were a pretty good football team.
* Carolina fans need some suffering
* Not once did the crowd watching the game at the House of Verbal Jazz chant: "P-A-T-S! Pats! Pats! Pats!"
* Verbal Jazz never took it as a given that the Patriots would win
* God, the micromanager, dictated the result as part of a master plan involving a lifelong domination of a New York baseball team over a Boston baseball team.
* Tom Brady's appearance at the State of the Union. Now, an appearance at the State of the Union address by a quarterback appearing in the big game will become a tradition.
* The inevitable Bob Kraft (Patriots owner) rambling speech was not to be missed.

The Mother-in-Law breakdown

The Mother-in-Law of Verbal Jazz was not at all impressed with the halftime show. After she made disparaging remarks about Kid Rock, there was some question as to whether anyone at the House of Verbal Jazz is a Kid Rock fan. Verbal Jazz made sure to note that because his Mother-in-Law thought Kid Rock unkempt, that he had been a Kid Rock fan for at least 45 seconds.

The Mother-in-Law did weigh in on such important topics as: Pam Anderson and Kid Rock, the Bennifer Break-up, whether J-Lo was back with P. Diddy, and the Pepsi commercial in which the kids can download free songs (she's on the side of the record companies and did not appreciate the values promoted by the ad).

Wager Protocol? What business does Boston Mayor, Tom Menino, have making a PR bet (you know, where mayors offer a friendly wager of foodstuffs that are associated with their town or region in order to get their names in the news) with the mayor of Charlotte, N.C.? Gillette Stadium, where the Patriots play, is some thirty miles from Boston. Not exactly the domain of Mayor Menino. Are the Foxboro board of selectmen and/or town administrator not good enough to bet on the team that actually plays in their town?

Have they no shame?
If a man can go shirtless, why is it as scandal for a woman to show off her baby feeders? Just a question.

I sometimes hang my head in shame
The drunks all came out to celebrate the Pats victory. Cars were overturned and there was at least one death as a result of drunk driving: a car plowed into a crowd of people.

|