Verbal Jazz High Notes and Low Notes of the Week


1. Super Bold Super Bowl Pick: Put aside all of the comparisons between Tom Brady and Joe Montana, or the emphasis on Defense (yes, with a capital "D"), or even the difference in coaches. What this game between the New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers will ultimately come down to is one team has to score more points than the other: that is the key to winning this football game. Verbal Jazz predicts that the team with more points will in fact win. Verbal Jazz is, of course, rooting for the Patriots.

2. Beating the Bush: Verbal Jazz notes that one intriguing trend emerged from this week's New Hampshire "primary:" the "electability" or "Beat Bush" factor that influenced a good number of Primary voters. In other words, Primary voters are not so much aligning themselves with a candidate that they like or one that most fits their political values, so much as they are picking one that could win the proverbial "horse race" of an election. This is kind of like being a fan of any sports team that can beat the one you do not want to win: kind of like how I feel about any team playing the Yankees in the playoffs.

3. Award Time: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (zzzzzzz) announced the Oscar nominees this week while the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation announced its nominees for worst films of the year. My money is on "Mystic River" and "Gigli." "Lord of the Rings" has got the "Star Wars" syndrome: too popular and it appeals to people who like to dress up...and tell people about it. They should have an award for the most mediocre film of the year: one that offends and rivets the fewest people possible. In other words a film that would be a made for TV movie without a big name, bankable star. What would that film be? Email Verbal Jazz your nominee for most mediocre film of the year, or The Plain Oatmeal Award.

4. So long, farewell: Captain Kangaroo (although it was last week), Jack Paar, Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch. Verbal Jazz never watched Captain Kangaroo, and is too young to appreciate former Tonight Show host Paar and former football player Hirsch. When one of my colleagues found that Captain Kangaroo had dies, she thought it was a hoax because she claims he has been dead for years. I guess that's what happens when you are no longer on TV: everyone thinks you're already dead.

5. So long, farewell part II: The reason Verbal Jazz is late today has to do with this being my official last of work. The company I work(ed) for is dissolving after 25 years of existence. Good luck everyone.

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Behind the music: Dean Style

Soon it may be a crucial moment in the "Behind the Music" episode featuring Howard Dean, the political Rock Star. After months of building a grassroots campaign and positioning himself as an outsider, Dean brought in a political insider, Roy Neel, a close associate of Al Gore, to head his campaign. This prompted Dean's campaign manager, Joe Trippi, to quit. Trippi is widely credited for building the groundswell that pushed Dean into frontrunner status, but a floundering campaign needs to reinvent itself.

You can picture the "Behind the Music" montage: "After finishing third in Iowa and second in New Hampshire, the Dean campaign was floundering; Dean was running out of money and running out of time....next: the shakeup that shook the Dean campaign down to its grass roots."

What remains to be seen is whether, like many contemporary rock stars, Dean's fame and popularity only last as long as the media is not tired of him.

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Non-Targeted Marketing

Verbal Jazz received a most curious email from Major League Baseball:

"Calling All Baseball Fans!
Attending the game on Sunday, February 1st in Houston?

"Send a photo of yourself at the game in your favorite baseball gear and get $20 off your next purchase of $50 or more at the MLB.com Shop!"

How many people will actually take advantage of this very exclusive offer? Especially since most of the Super Bowl attendees are corporate fat cats who could hardly be bothered to put on a Cubs hat and send a picture just for $20 off of a Cubs jersey. Then, anyone else attending is hopefully a fan of one of the teams involved (Go Pats!) or a fan of football in general. What if the NFL told fans attending the World Series to send in a photo of themselves wearing a Peyton Manning jersey? Let the NFL have its day, this marketing geniuses behind this email obviously need a new line of work.

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The warm-up is over, now sprint

Kerry goes 2-0 and takes 39% of the vote. The General, despite his early lead of 14 votes, and the Closet Republican both skipped Iowa to campaign in New Hampshire and it benefited neither of them, as they did not meet the statistical threshold of 15% to gain at least one delegate. Not one lousy stinking delegate!

Now the candidates are off to other parts of the country to drum up more support and more delegates in order to surrender themselves to the onslaught of Republican attack ads and refrains of: "September 11," "September 11," "September 11."

Sold my soul to Rock n' Roll

During his speech last night, the Howard Dean had to stop several times to let the applause dies down...he even held his microphone out to the crowd to catch their cacophonous cheers, just like a rock concert. Imagine how that place would have erupted had Dean taken his shirt off and started singing "We Will Rock You?" There would have been lighters in the air, mark me. That's what got him into trouble with that Iowa speech, reacting to a raucous crowd with a younger demographic than any of the other candidates and having a bit of fun as he worked himself into a lather. Howard Dean, once referred to in these hallowed pages as "The Anointed" because he was anointed by the press as the Democratic Front runner, is now The Rock Star. The Rock Star even has a catchy refrain, "And we will," which is slated to be his next single.

If this is forward "Joe-mentum," I am glad my name is Chris

Momentum certainly belongs to John Kerry, a.k.a. the Vampire, who continues to suck away the lifeblood of the other candidates (i.e. votes) in order to stay alive where he was once left for dead. Dean was certainly not as close to Kerry as he would have liked, but had a much better showing than he did in Iowa. Edwards (Dorian Gray) faltered a bit in finishing fourth, but could probably gain momentum by using the gravitational pull of the South Carolina primary to hurtle his campaign forward.

With a mere 9% of the vote, compared to 12% for Clark and Edwards, Joe Lieberman (The Closet Republican) declared himself in a tie for third place. Politicians in the midst of a campaign must remain blissfully unaware of their status as a heavy underdog. It also doesn't bode well for the Closet Republican that most of his votes came from conservatives and Republicans who switched their affiliation to vote in the primary.

"Electability"

"Electability" has become the buzzword of the Democratic Primary as voters way the pros and cons of each candidate. "Electability" apparently means a candidate that people will vote for, which, one hopes at least, a Democratic nominee who has survived the Primaries (and Caucuses) should be The Rock Star apparently does not have "Electability" while the Vampire does. Sharpton and the Mad Vegan Elf apparently do not have "Electability" with 0% and 1% of the vote respectively. "Electability" has been drummed into the minds of the voters by the press corps and has played a solid part in the slippage of the Rock Star: primary voters are made to feel as though they are playing Russian Roulette with the candidates and they better select the one who can beat President Flyboy and his Super Justice League (i.e. Cabinet) in the general election.

Watch those endorsements carefully

Michael Moore is one of those polarizing figures whose endorsement should be welcome, yet out on hold until after the election. Moore's assertion that President Flyboy-in-Chief is a "deserter" and the allusions in "Bowling for Columbine" to the bombing in Kosovo as part of our culture of violence proved to be a distraction for the General with no real political experience. Actually, being a General is a political position, just not one that is elected.

"Bowling for Columbine" is a film worth watching, whether you agree with Moore or not. He does take some liberties with the truth. Verbal Jazz noted at least one instance of presenting statistical information in a way that would prove his point (it's called marketing). Also the scene where he gets the gun from a bank is staged (again, to prove a point). That said, Moore is best kept on the down low.


Why New Hampshire?

Every four years the question arises: why do white bread states like Iowa and New Hampshire play such a significant role in deciding the nominee? The answer is because "real" people do not live in states with large metropolitan areas such as New York, California, or Illinois and, thus, should not be allowed to set the tone for the rest of the country. In fact, fake people inhabit large metropolitan areas: this is an exclusive Verbal Jazz fact that has not been exhaustively fact- checked therefore, to borrow the attitude of talk radio, I must be right.

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"I woulda searched the Internet"

Every so often, Verbal Jazz shares with his readers, random search items that bring unsuspecting readers to these pages. I am not one to shy away from trends, either. Items that tend to do well are celebrities, and sports figures. People searching for a "Flabby Arnold" (in the Verbal Jazz search Hall of Fame) are still coming back to the site. Somehow this list reveals some items that Verbal Jazz would endorse, and some others that Verbal Jazz would not. Not that anyone is asking for a ringing endorsement from Verbal Jazz, but we can always dare to dream.


1. Favre Monday - or some such construction of the Brett Favre Monday Morning Quarterback ad for MasterCard. This is a great ad, regardless of what you think about our debt addled society. Verbal Jazz will not be endorsing MasterCard soon. The original post can be found here.

2. Miller Lite Domino Ad - Another great ad, another crappy product. Is that better than having a good product, but a crappy ad? See number 3. The original post may be found in the same place as item #1.

3. Advertising - Always a good decision and Samuel Adams Beer - Verbal Jazz has been known to have the odd Sam Adams (Boston Ale being a fave). Verbal Jazz is not particularly fond of the "Always a Good Decision" campaign. I mean, what if you have already downed about eight of these and you hold the keys to the car? A ninth would not be a "good decision," would it? Unless, of course, you passed out and someone who only had eight drags you home. If you are from Sam Adams (or the Boston Beer Company, yet hardly brewed in Boston) and would like to sponsor this site, be my guest. I do drink your product...and even responsibly. We could work out a deal where I write a paragraph a week about how wonderful Sam Adams is, or talk about the political savvy of those who work for the Boston Beer Company. I won't even mention that Sam Adams is not really brewed here.

4. Great Molasses Spill of Boston Pictures - Sorry folks, Verbal Jazz was not present at the great molasses flood of 1919, and I certainly don't have any photos. Isn't this now a reality show challenge: find your way out of the molasses flood? Verbal Jazz would not endorse said reality show, nor appear on it.

5. Toby Keith pitchers: Could you imagine a friendly game of Wiffle Ball (another product Verbal Jazz would gladly endorse) getting ugly when Toby Keith pitches one at Natalie Maines' head?

6. Varitek gay: Pardon me but: huh? As far as Verbal Jazz can tell, Jason Varitek, catcher for the Boston Red Sox, has not had his sexual preferences publicly questioned. Verbal Jazz, and the Missus before she was the Missus, once saw Varitek at the airport with his very pregnant wife and daughter. The catcher who has had his sexual preferences questioned happens to be Mike Piazza of the New York Mets. Belle and Sebastian even wrote a song about it on their new album, "Dear Catastrophe Waitress," which Verbal Jazz would gladly endorse, as well. Verbal Jazz would also highly recommend Belle and Sebastian in concert. They give a great show and always say nice things about the Red Sox. Gotta love a literate and musically gifted Scottish band, with a penchant for mopey songs (except on the new album), giving upbeat, invigorating concert performances punctuated with a working knowledge of baseball.

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A Super Bowl Primary

What a week for overhype and buzz! We have the Super Bowl this Sunday, and today, the voters in New Hampshire are prepared to send a message to the rest of the country: Kerry OR Dean OR Clark OR Edwards. As of this writing Verbal Jazz heard that Clark was in the lead with 14 votes coming out of Dixville Notch, NH, where the traditional first ballot of the primary is held.

Verbal Jazz also heard that John McCain was stumping for fellow Republican, George W. Bush (when asked McCain said it was because he was "asked"). Verbal Jazz finds this development a bit odd since four-odd years ago, the Bush campaign ran a pretty good hatchet job on McCain in the South. Also, McCain's "anger management issues" received the same rabid media attention that Howard Dean enjoys today. Anyway, the NPR report featuring McCain also had some fun at the expense of Joe Lieberman, who has been trying to liken himself to McCain in an effort to gain Independent voters.

Verbal Jazz has also noticed that we have a split media. The sports journalists have gone to Houston to cover Super Bowl XXXVIII between the mighty PATRIOTS and the Carolina Kitty Cats (Verbal Jazz assumes that no one on the Carolina Panthers bothers to read this Blog and therefore will not have locker room fodder). The Political journalists have gone to balmy New Hampshire to cover the first primary (or Primary Primary) of the 2004 election. What say in 2008 we have Super Bowl XLII in New Hampshire the same week as the Primary? It would foster an environment of cross pollination in which sports journalists could pontificate over the reliability of the Zogby polls versus the reliability of the Vegas spread and the injury report. Well, then you would have to build an NFL caliber football stadium in New Hampshire and show the Quarterbacks casting their official primary ballot.

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Instant Karma's gonna getcha

Yankees third baseman, Aaron Boone, may miss the entire 2004 season due to an injury sustained while playing basketball. Verbal Jazz wishes no athlete ill will, but sees this as karmic retribution for preventing the Red Sox from making it to the World Series with an eleventh inning homer off of Tim Wakefield in Game 7 of the ALCS. Oh, and Boone has a clause in his contract that states he might not get paid if he engages in activities like playing basketball. Next Grady Little will have a brain spasm...oh, wait, that did happen in Game 7...

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Not real weapons, but it could loosely be called a "program"

Verbal Jazz does not know what is more disturbing: that, in all likelihood, there are no actual Weapons of Mass Destruction (WoMD) in Iraq, or that Saddam Hussein may have been convinced his weapons programs were doing quite well. If you are to believe a report in today's New York Times (sometimes dubious, but at least it's news!) then David Kay, former head of the weapons inspection team, asserted those very things. Actually, he said that any idiot paying attention to the intelligence would have come to the conclusion that there was no forward progress in Iraq's weapons program. Only he didn't say "idiot," he said something to the effect that the CIA missed the "disarray" in the weapons program.

In an effort to look like he was not piling on President Flyboy and the Secret Agent Veep, Kay said he could see how Iraq could pose a security threat...even without those weapons. Verbal Jazz will now have a moment of fairness: having never been in charge of decoding intelligence, Verbal Jazz does not wish to make it sound easy to determine the extent of weapons capacity. If Verbal Jazz were put in charge of an weapons inspection team, I might just assume that any weapons laboratory were a large industrial kitchen: "Your country sure does eat a lot, and way out in the middle of nowhere. Say can I eat the Nigerian Yellow Cake you were talking about?"

Verbal Jazz, however does note that in his State of the Union Address the President was careful to bow to semantics in saying "weapons program" or something to that effect. Sure, Iraq had a "program:" the lunatic in charge threw money toward scientists who made proposals. Those scientists then used the cash for other things: kind of like Halliburton (or CronyCo) If you knew you could get away with it, you would also do it.

Now serve and volley time for the Democrats taking the primary to New Hampshire. In other words, expect to hear a litany of variations on the theme: "The President lied and we need an investigation, and as president I would..."

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Next, they will propose a Constitutional amendment to ban female clergy

The Archdiocese of Boston, not very far removed from scandal, mind you, began urging their congregations to oppose Gay Marriage. Next the Archdiocese will attempt to support Constitutional Amendments aimed at the following: defining sex (before marriage) as the unholy coupling of one man and one woman, unless it involves more than one person of either gender, in which case then it is not sex, but sin, because at least the sin of sex can be rectified with marriage; banning sales of condoms, unless the recipients are married in a one man, one woman kind of way (no hermaphrodites please); banning female clergy (this would annul the marriage of Verbal and Missus Jazz, as we were married by a female minister); allowing the Archdiocese to adopt a "Don't Ask, Don't tell" policy with regard to its clergy (ooooops, they already tried that!).

One man one woman unless

Speaking of hermaphrodites: how do they fit into this whole one man, one woman scheme? If one member of a gay couple gets a sex change, can they then qualify for marriage? Does one man, one woman necessarily mean that said couple must be fertile?

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The Verbal Jazz High Notes and Low Notes of the Week

Verbal Jazz has already written ad infinitum about the Iowa Caucuses and the State of the Union Speech. Without mentioning Ben and J-Lo, here is this week's list:

1. Sounds of Sirens: Last weekend Art Garfunkel arrested for Marijuana possession when his limo was pulled over. To add insult to injury, the arresting officer did not recognize Garfunkel, or apparently know who he is. Verbal Jazz would have recognized Garfunkel, but would not have asked for an autograph of Still Water. At least Garfunkel left the driving to someone else, that's responsibility. I wonder if they let him have a snack in the jail cell to curb the munchies.

2. What if we put curtains up around our cubes on election day? The Pentagon's attempts at beta testing online voting have met with some scrutiny over privacy, security and fraud issues. In other words, there are too many variables associated with online voting, not the least of which is lack of a paper trail. The Pentagon naturally scoffs at such concerns: "Phooey! We are the Pentagon, how dare you question our methods or results?" Look for online voting to be sponsored by CronyCo someday soon: results guaranteed to support our political aims.

3. Will you marry me, maybe in Massachusetts, but certainly not in Ohio? This week, after the President attacked "Activist Judges," just days after installing his own, mind you, the Ohio state legislature denied gays the right to marry in Ohio. The Archdiocese of Boston is planning on making a push to put a ban on Gay Marriage on the ballot in Massachusetts. Did someone forget to remind the Archdiocese that they are still getting over scandals involving priests and children and that maybe they should lay low for a while before resuming the role of telling people what to do. The Democrats, fresh from Iowa and a debate in New Hampshire, are looking at a tricky issue here since Gay Marriage is one of those polarizing topics of debate. The most absurd argument against Gay Marriage, or even Gay Sex, is that it is "not natural." Verbal Jazz would expect anyone who uses the "Not Natural" argument to now do the following: not eat any genetically modified crops, eat no meat that was not personally killed by themselves, cease air flight, stop driving cars on paved roads, eat no foods with artificial preservatives, take no prescription medication....etc. Gay Marriage, as an idea will take some time to get used to

4. Time to get that Monkey off your back: This is the Year of the Monkey according to the Chinese calendar. Compared to the Chinese calendar, our calendar is a bit boring: BCE/AD. Our calendar also has twelve unofficial signs that we go through in one year, but no one celebrates the Month of the Aquarius, say. Maybe if we spread them out over twelve years, they would mean a bit more: "Happy year of the Cancer." By the way, Verbal Jazz is a Cancer born in the Year of the Rat.

5. Where's your Spirit? The initial giddiness of the Mars Spirit Rover (in your face British Beagle!) has worn off now that the Rover is crying out in the wilderness and sending back garbled meaningless messages. Scientists are not discouraged yet, because at least the messages are saying "Hello," (with the subtext of: "is anybody out there?"). The Rover's twin (who knew machines had twins?) is due to land this weekend. Now about that manned trip to Mars...

6. Pats v. Cats in Super Bowl XXXVIII: Verbal Jazz would like to send a shout out to the New England Patriots. We will be rooting for you in Super Bowl XXXVIII, even though the Missus Jazz is still despondent over Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers losing to the Eagles in the playoffs. We will be rooting for the Pats, even though Tom Brady was in the audience at the State of the Union. Now if the Pats lose, will that lead to a State of the Union curse, similar to a Sports Illustrated cover curse? Verbal Jazz would like to point to his non-appearance on the Sports Illustrated cover as the reason he took over five hours to complete a marathon. Next Friday will feature the Verbal Jazz Super Bowl pick: guaranteed not to have an impact on the Vegas odds.

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Two ads that confuse and confound

Hewlett Packard "Pictures of You" ad: Anyone who grew up listening to the Cure when "Pictures of You" came out (on the "Disintegration" album in 1989), would know that the HP ads featuring this song are far too sunny. Essentially "Pictures of You" tells the tale of a person lamenting that the only way to be close to a long lost love is by looking at pictures. Not exactly the stuff of smiling people on happy sunny days. I mean, is this ad supposed to appeal to people who want to obsessively print out pictures of people who are no longer in their life? What do these obsessive weirdos do once the "Pictures of You" are printed? That said, "Pictures of You" is such a great song; actually "Disintegration" is a great overall Cure album, but the liner notes advise to listen to it very loud and alone (again not exactly the sunny feeling meant to be conveyed by the ad). Verbal Jazz also suggests "Disintegration" as the best rainy day album of all time.

BMW Angels Ad: When Verbal Jazz first saw the BMW ad featuring a guardian angel for each wheel and wearing a headset to communicate with the other angels, I must say, I thought this was a joke. Was this one of those brainstorm ideas that someone throughout, no matter how stupid it sounded, and found that it made its way up the chain? It grows even more ridiculous when one angel wipes mud off of his (shouldn't it be "its;" do the angels guarding BMW drivers have genitalia?) face and shouts, "I love this job." Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't angels be more concerned with promoting the forces of good in this world as opposed to making sure some asshole, who spends too much for a BMW and drives like a lunatic to boot, makes it through the drive safely? Besides, why do they need four angels? Is someone who can afford this vehicle really worth more than one guardian angel? The overall message of this ad then is: If you can afford this car, feel free to drive poorly because BMW has a cadre of angels looking out for you because BMW has sponsored all the harps in heaven.

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Faded Deans?

John Kerry, long left for dead, has risen again. Watch as the Vampire (see Verbal Jazz Glossary) surges ahead in the polls and garners endorsements from both the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald. The Anointed, on the other hand is being forced to regret a war whoop delivered during an impassioned speech after a crushing third place finish in the Iowa Caucus. Now New Hampshire is critical to all of the Democratic candidates left standing: Richard Gephardt, citing a general inability to spell his own name, and a bizarre feeling that one should no longer accept the nickname "Dick," has gracefully stepped out).

Verbal Jazz wonders if this primary season isn't a bit skewed with relatively small states skewing the race for the rest of the country, especially with so much punditry wasted on the Deanian War Whoop. It seems as though the media have descended on that speech, which looked almost tongue-in-cheek and designed to appeal to the crowd. Perhaps Dean should consider a new career as a rock star: The Deaniacs would always request the Iowa speech, but in a pique of artistic fury Dean will refuse to repeat it. Ever.

The primary is a winnowing process anyway. Gephardt, Mosely Braun, and (see how far back the Verbal Jazz memory goes) Bob Graham have already asserted that they have no chance. While Verbal Jazz is not so convinced by the Dean candidacy, it seems that the War Whoop is one of those things that Dean Detractors can point to as proof he is too high strung to be president. Remind anyone of what happened to McCain in 2000? Anything he said, could and would be used to prove he is "angry."

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I, er we, are the US, hear us roar

One thing we know for certain, if we are to believe President Bush' State of the Union speech, and the Democratic rebuttal delivered by a proverbial deer-in-the-headlights looking Nancy Pelosi and folksy-smooth operator Tom Daschle, is that the State of the Union is indeed strong. That said, I guess there really was no need for all the speechifying then. Not so fast, this is an election year and the Democrats and Republicans have to engage in a verbal tug of war in order to position themselves for November.

Verbal Jazz kept hearing the word "confident" bandied about by various pundits after the State of the Union. Verbal Jazz would like to propose "smarmy." Honestly, does he have to smirk after delivering such lines as "As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear," or "the men and women of the American military, they have taken the hardest duty?" Is there some joke that Verbal Jazz is missing here, or is the President amused by armed conflict?

The smirking then gave way to chest thumping as the President proclaimed, in his best sticks-and-stones style rhetoric, "America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country." That raises the whole chicken-begat-egg question: how much of a security threat was a country with a dictator cowering in a spider hole? And if there were an army of angry Icelanders marching on Washington (perhaps in a land grab designed to give them a better climate than Reykjavik?) the UN Security Council wouldn't be so inclined to debate the merits of deploying US troops.

It seems to benefit the administration to distinguish terrorism as a war instead of a crime, although a war usually consists of two sovereign nations (or want to be sovereign nations) battling over a territory. In this case the terrorists were trying to rattle us into adopting things like the Patriot Act and the Department of Homeland Security.

The Domestic Agenda

The Domestic Agenda may be summed up thusly: Conservative Christianity should drive policy,
Gay marriage is not the will of the people (and neither was Brown v. Board of Education), there should be no banned substances in sports (cue: Tom Brady looking as though her were paying less than rapt attention), we should make sure that children are educated in a business-like model of efficiency (facts over ideas), we should give money to religious charities (under the tacit assumption that they will try to convert those they are helping), any tax is bad, and let's put immigrants to work in jobs no self-respecting American would want.

Verbal Gaffes

I gave up counting instances of the word "nucular" as opposed to the actual: "nuclear" after getting to four.

The words "terrorist" and "tourist" still sound eerily similar.

Receiving a letter from a child who is "age 2-age 10." That letter would have been quite an accomplishment for a two-year-old. In fact, one would have to wonder what type-A parents would coax their two-year-old into writing to the President.

Nancy Pelosi: "Mission a-completed." Calm down there, Nancy, not as many people were watching you as they were watching the Presidential lead in, kind of like how no one watched "Inside Schwartz" after "Friends." She, of course, didn't want to invoke memories of the "Mission Accomplished" banner that appeared with the President on the USS Abraham Lincoln.

Will Massachusetts attempt to name a tunnel after him?

It struck Verbal Jazz that the President of the Iraqi Governing Council, Adnan Pachahci, bears a striking resemblance to Tip O'Neill, former Speaker of the House. Actually he looks more like O'Neill's son: Thomas P. O'Neill, Jr. Mr. Pachachi was sitting next to Laura Bush.

What was missing?

Anyone seen or heard from Osama? At least a mention would have been nice.

Has the President completely scrapped that Mars mission? Or is that what is known as the "No Child (or uninhabitable red planet) Left Behind" initiative?

Environment? Climate Change? Oh, Verbal Jazz forgot that fossil fuel companies sponsored the State of the Union. It was more of a behind closed doors, we'll scratch your back for legislation kind of sponsorship, though. Hell, if any fossil fuel companies want to secretly sponsor this site so that environmental concerns are never mentioned, be my guest.

The Democratic Response

Tom Daschle was well spoken, but in a this-guy-is-too-smooth kind of way promising the steady mantra of "good jobs at good wages." "Good jobs at good wages" usually means "jobs that pay enough for you to squeak by, but as long as you are employed, we politicians will be ready to accept responsibility for it." As Daschle was telling folksy stories about his car trips around South Dakota just talkin' to regular folk, one could not help feeling that the folksy thing is a pretty good act. Poor Nancy Pelosi, however, looked like Peyton Manning against the Patriots last Sunday: prepped for the big game she simply fell apart and couldn't pull herself together.

Sorry to keep you awake, Senator, now shut up!

John Kerry monologued briefly with a clearly annoyed Peter Jennings, who was trying to wrap up the segment. Kerry looked like he could have fallen asleep mid-sentence but steadily picked up steam as he kept talking. In fact, Kerry, going on very little rest does look a bit like a Vampire, which is his new Verbal Jazz Glossary name.

Real People

CNN talked with four people in Ohio, one of those proverbial swing states, to get a feel for how they viewed the speech. 1 in favor, 3 not so favorable. From this we are to intuit the reactions of all potential voters in Ohio? Never mind the Veterans in Illinois that ABC News spent time chatting with: they clearly are not media savvy, nor were they well spoken. The Veterans overall supported Bush but just because he said to say "Thank you" to members of the military. A great "Thank you" to the military would be, well, keeping them out of combat.

I, being a real person, can come to my own conclusions as to the State of the Union, thank you.

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Iowa, land of surprise

It seems like just last year John Kerry had been all but left for dead, pleading for some street cred by invoking the F-Word in a Rolling Stone interview. Now he returns, like a vampire (not quite dead, you see) sucking the blood out of the Dean campaign and goes on to win the Iowa Coffee Klatch, er Caucuses with a whopping 38% of the vote. For those looking for a sports analogy: Kerry is batting .380 in the state of Iowa and now has forward mo: Forward Momentum. From here on out, Kerry will now be known as The Vampire in the Verbal Jazz Glossary.

And they didn't even cover the spread

Verbal Jazz has long thought that polls are most useful in providing jobs to pollsters. Why just as recently as last Thursday a Zogby poll, with a +/- 4.5% margin of error had it mapped out thus:

Kerry 22%
Dean 21%
Gephardt 21%
Edwards 17%
Then all the others.

The real results went as follows:

Kerry 38% (+16%)
Edwards 32% (+15%)
Dean 18% (-3%)
Gephardt 11% (-10%)
All the others

With such a swing (only Dean was within the margin, and not in the way he would have liked), we can safely say that the margin of error in polling should be increased to +/- 25% just to cover the spread. Whoops, sorry: Verbal Jazz is still giddy about the Pats in the Super Bowl.

Wheels coming off the bus?

The Anointed loses and explodes like Mount Vesuvius trying to stick it to those Pompeians. (Please allow Verbal Jazz one extended analogy). To put it bluntly, the Anointed looked like a frothy lunatic as he finished Iowa 3 points behind his Zogby poll numbers and lost what was once a commanding lead. To use a sports analogy, the Anointed is folding like the 1979 Red Sox (they blew a thirteen game lead to the Evil Empire).

Time to take a bow

The Labor Pain will reportedly drop out of the race after getting only 11% of the vote in Iowa, a state he desperately needed in order to give the illusion that he could win other states beside Missouri. Well, gee whiz golly shucks, he'll be missed by Verbal Jazz.

Forward Mo

The Vampire and Dorian Gray have Forward Mo going into New Hampshire. The Anointed is taking a bathroom break (a la Verbal Jazz in the Disney Marathon). Another bathroom break for the Anointed, and well, he may never find his stride again.

Now Iowa returns to obscurity for another four years.

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Shake for me, girl, I wanna be your back door judge

More proof that the Saturday papers should be more widely read: on Friday, the White House appointed Charles Pickering to the Fifth Circuit court of appeals in a maneuver designed to circumvent the block that Congressional Democrats had put in place against Pickering. Essentially, this is what is known as a recess appointment, and stands to be reviewed by Congress in 2005. The knock against Pickering is a relatively poor record on Civil Rights, and, by all accounts a right-wing ideologue. Interesting that Pickering (now known as The Back Door Judge) was appointed on MLK Holiday weekend, when Pickering had left the Democratic party in the 60s because of Democratic support for Civil Rights legislation. Verbal Jazz remains unsurprised in the White House's continual attempts to bend the rules to its own will.

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Celebrating Dr. King

Because Verbal Jazz has today off, we thought it might be nice to pay tribute to the reason we have said day off: Martin Luther King, Jr. One only has to read a biography of Dr. King to realize just how strong and how committed he was to non-violence and how radical his approach was. It takes a good deal of strength to resist violence in the face of violence. Yesterday's Boondocks comic strip summed up how King would be viewed were he alive today: "[Bill] O'Reilly would call him an un-American leftist peacenik..."

Verbal Jazz highly recommends Let the Trumpet Sound, a biography of Dr. King. The "I Have a Dream" speech was only one moment in a life cut altogether too short.

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The Verbal Jazz Weekly Awards

Once there was crap...but now there is only some crap that I'm sick of. This weeks list:


1. "It hurts so bad:" Yes folks, Verbal Jazz did complete his first ever marathon and was in a lot of pain afterward. Actually, in tears, but not because he is a blubbering crybaby. The entire race postmortem may be found on Tuesday, January 13.

2. Eight men in...one woman out, or if you caucus it, they will come: Here come the Iowa caucuses: private political debates that yield hardly any participants yet seem to be highly important because they are the first official political act of the season. Next stop: New Hampshire, where Democratic candidates will be expected to express grief over the loss of the Old Man of the Mountain in a state that will pretty reliably vote for the Flyboy-in-Chief come November. Carol Mosely Braun saw the light and dropped out of the race, throwing her less than considerable political weight behind the Anointed Democratic candidate, who is beginning to lose his sheen, because everyone longs to take the frontrunner down. Ms. Mosely Braun's dealings with an evil Nigerian dictator some years back more than likely forced this story onto page A-18 of today's Boston Globe. We are still left with The Reverend and The Mad Vegan Elf hoping to make a strong showing in Iowa and then New Hampshire. The General has been moving up the charts, but is focusing on the Granite State (immovable political beliefs, what a metaphor!) along with The Closet Republican. The Fly in the Ketchup makes a desperation pitch for Iowa along with Dorian Gray (can anyone really believe that Edwards is fifty?). And no, Gephardt does not get to be Howdy Doody, it's too easy: how about the Labor Pain? Get it, Gephardt is all about appealing to labor unions because he is from the Midwest (same state as The Grand Inquisitor, I might add). If younfamiliar with Verbal Jazz Phraseology, see the Glossary.

3. He also has classified information that NBC is canceling "Friends" this year: Okay, did anyone really think that the marketing plan involving an attack on Iraq was cooked up overnight? Sure, September 11 made it easier to cook up a war with anyone. If people like former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill are supposed to be your loyal supporters and members of your inner sanctum, what does that say about the loyalty bred within your party and administration when O'Neill says that the tax cuts were a bad idea, the President has the intellectual curiosity of a horse put out to stud, and that the administration was looking to go to war right away? One interesting note that Verbal Jazz read elsewhere: it took the administration no time to initiate an investigation into O'Neill's potentially classified documents, but it did take them quite a while to begin investigating the CIA name revelation of agent Valerie Plame (who happens to be married to a political opponent of the White House). Hmmmmmm.

4. will you be paying for that Mars trip with your Official Airline Credit Card? the proposed plan to colonize the moon and swing humans toward Mars (using the physics of gravity, which Verbal Jazz does not pretend to understand but still thinks is a neat concept) won't hit American pocketbooks, wallets, purses, credit cards and other conveyances of funds until the current administration is long out of office and John Edwards (Now Dorian Gray in the Verbal Jazz Glossary) looks old enough to be President. Instead of using tax revenue to pay for things like, well, human services, the administration cuts taxes (just barely for the middle class, but still technically a "cut") and then promises the Moon and Mars and, if we are really lucky the vision of "2001: A Space Odyssey" will be revealed in 2101. Next week, the President will propose sending Women to Venus, because that is where they are from, according to some book. Just send the Mastercard bill sometime around 2015, or when the next Democratic President (with Republican trimming) takes office.

5. I'm F**king freezing! Normally, Verbal Jazz is okay with the cold weather: it comes with the territory living in New England. But if I wanted to live through a cold snap in which 5 degrees seems warm, then I would move to Canada then bid on one of those fancy Iraq contracts that Canadians can now bid on. True story: Verbal Jazz went outside to start the car on Thursday morning and thought it felt warmer than Wednesday Morning. The temperature Wednesday morning was -4 degrees. The temp Thursday was 0 degrees. 0 degrees felt warm. Damn! It was -8 degrees this morning.

6. Fingerprint this! Because the US has started fingerprinting visitors from a select list of foreign countries (profiling anyone?), Brazil has started to fingerprint and photograph visitors from the US, since Brazil, land of beautiful people, Rio, and a phenomenally successful World Cup soccer team, happens to be on that list. The new, and by all accounts woefully inefficient and passive aggressive Brazilian checkpoint, prompted one American Airlines pilot to allegedly deliver an obscene gesture for the camera. Said pilot then landed in a Brazilian jail until American Airlines ponied up the fine. If this keeps up, International travel will soon be conducted, once again by ocean liner: just watch out for those pesky icebergs.

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Now Ken Lay me down to sleep

Contrary to popular opinion, the probe into Enron's deceptive business practices has been steadily moving up the chain of command, albeit much too slowly for our "I-want-it-and-I-want- it-now" culture. Why just yesterday, Enron's #3, Andrew Fastow, plead guilty to a couple of light fraud charges in exchange for a 10-year sentence and information on former Enron chair Kenneth "Kenny-Boy" Lay and former Enron president Jeff Skilling. In the full spirit of wanting to get the big boys, Fastow's wife was also allowed to plea guilty to minor charges so that she may stay home with the couples' children while daddy does his time in the clink. For those not in the know: the "Kenny-Boy" moniker was given to Lay by the Flyboy-in-Chief. Granted, I doubt there are those among us who have not been friendly with a criminal at some time or other.

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Satire
Paul O'Neill insists Steinbrenner trying to win World Series from day one

In an exclusive interview former New York Yankees and Cincinnati Reds right fielder, Paul O'Neill insisted that Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was committed to seeing the Yankees win as many World Series as possible. "From day one, [Steinbrenner] insisted that winning the World Series should be our objective. When asked how that objective tied into the Bush Administration's desire to overthrow Saddam Hussein since taking office, O'Neill responded, "You want to talk to the other Paul O'Neill."

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Space, the fiscal frontier

President Flyboy, in his quest to wrest the mantle of the party of small government from his own party, has proposed building a space station on the moon in addition to funding a manned flight to Mars. In order to make to project look more appealing, the President has so far only sought to commit $1 Billion to the startup cost. A $1 Billion initial investment may seem small when it comes to governmental spending, but remember that the Big Dig here in Boston grew to be a $15 Billion project, and that was planned, designed and built right here on earth.

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Finishing the Disney Marathon
(This also appears on "The Battle of Marathon" page)

The Marathon post-mortem will begin with the really good news: the A-T Children's Project raised over $700,000. That is money well earned and will hopefully do much in the fight against A-T. The night before the race, the A-T Children's project had a pasta dinner (and the pasta was quite tasty). At the dinner, I was speaking with a woman whose son was diagnosed about 8 years ago. She was showing pictures of him with his new ATV that helps him get around. Due to the loss of motor skills, many children with A-T become confined to a wheelchair. While it is sad to see these children, the event really put into perspective why we were there. Sure, I had a selfish reason of finishing a marathon, but the whole reason for the race was to raise money for the A-T Children's Project.

Disney World is the land without irony, set up to offer the illusion of a Utopia. Even setting a wake up call for 2:45 a.m. at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, I was greeted with "Have a magical day." As though getting up before 3 a.m. to run 26.2 miles was sure to be magical.

While waiting for the start of the Disney Marathon at 6 AM, with a temperature hovering in the mid-thirties (take temperature off for wind-chill), the marathoners were treated to Mickey and Minnie Mouse, as well as Donald and Daisy Duck participating in a canned, pre-recorded opening. The dead giveaway to the canned opening, besides the fact that the Disney characters were on lifts without microphones, was Mickey handing the proceedings back "You, Mr. Announcer" as opposed to actually saying the name of the announcer. Then as runners started the tape kept looping telling runners to "have great Marathon." I had come to the conclusion, before this race even started, that Mickey Mouse was never in anything worth remembering, at least not like the Looney Toons characters.

The course featured all kinds of absurd moments with Disney characters populating the course: Mary Poppins, some insect thingy from "A Bug's Life," various ducks, an orangutan, and the country bears (really bad inbred hick stereotypes from the look of it). Disney World is predicated on the notion that evil does not truly exist, and if it does, it is easily thwarted.

I finished the course in an agonizing 5:13:34 (official) and 5:10:39 (net). I was maintaining a 10-minute mile pace for about thirteen miles. At miles 7, 10, 14, and 16 I had to crap. How fitting that this blog started with a story about having to crap while on a long run.

Overcrapping is only the first entry in my Official Marathon Excuse Log, or why I didn't finish in 4:30. Other reasons follow:

* Running around and playing basketball on Saturday (the Missus Jazz has family in Florida). Mostly shooting baskets with children.
* Watching the Patriots-Titans playoff game which went until about 11:30 and then still not being able to sleep. I got about two hours.
* As I was running, I kept thinking of how I am going to write this all down. This is why I would have sucked as a professional athlete: I think too much.
* Oh, and that cramping, agonizing pain in my right inner thigh. It hurt so bad that I could hardly move, let alone run.

Now for the Official Marathon No Excuse Not to Finish Log or How Verbal Jazz ran/walked 26.2 miles and lived to tell the tale:

* The crowd was great. No, not those paid to be dressed up in Disney character costumes, although I hear they are not allowed to take off any piece of the costume at any time. But the crowd: the people cheering along the route. The children holding out their hands so that we runners could slap them on the way by.
* Water stops and snack stops. Bananas were served at one of my crap stops, but the Powerade, water and PowerGel were essential.
* The Biofreeze rub down at mile 24: I passed the medical tents all day. At one point I saw a runner eat a stick of Vaseline thinking it was Gu (an energy gel). I avoided the pain meds, but broke down and got a leg rub down at mile 24. By then the pain in my inner thigh was so bad that I could barely walk let alone run.
* "Only one mile left," "Only a half mile," "Only 365 yards"
* I came here to finish


At the end of the race, I was looking for my brother-in-law Ryan. He was supposed to meet me while we waited for Val (otherwise known as the Missus Jazz) and his wife Lara, Sister of the Missus Jazz. I sprinted across the finish line with all the energy I had left in my body and still no sign of Ryan. The pain was excruciating. I was wrapped in Mylar and collected a Mickey Mouse medal for finishing and kept walking, looking for Ryan. I finally saw the Missus Jazz and my sister-in-law, and Ryan, and Maureen (one of my Mothers-in-law). "It hurts so bad," I sobbed as I hugged Maureen and gave the Missus a kiss. It was finally over...

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The Verbal Jazz Weekly Awards
(Formerly known as "Crap That I'm Sick of")

Verbal Jazz grew tired of the "Crap That I'm Sick of" feature of this website and has decided to rename it "The Verbal Jazz Weekly Awards." Award winners receive no plaque and it is still debatable whether any mention in Verbal Jazz is reward in and of itself. Normally, this feature appears on Fridays, but since the Missus Jazz and I are flying out tonight to participate in #3, this will be a day early. That said here are this week's winners:

1. Should we build a road there? NASA lands on Mars and, for billions of dollars less, you too can create similar images using a red camera lens filter at any number of East Coast beaches during low tide. The pictures show a remarkably rocky and empty terrain. The good news is that is apt to be free of traffic congestion. What say we take all the Excursions, Hummers and Suburbans and bring them to Mars to see if that four wheel drive feature really works. It would make for an easier commute. In a side note, major league baseball player Carl Everett maintains that the Mars landing is a hoax put together with sophisticated computer graphics.

2. I did it, but it is perfectly justifiable on this technicality: Baseball writers who may have been soft on Pete Rose have become less so since Rose admitted he bet on baseball. Admitting one has a problem is only one step, but one also has to show remorse for messing with the integrity of a game in which owners give away $250 Million contracts, there is much speculation about steroid use, and a family of four has to forego that trip to the Grand Canyon in order to go to one baseball game. Rose won't get any sympathy until he whips out the cat o' nine and self-flagellates for a period ranging from one week to two years depending on the Commissioner's mood. Perennial Boston Globe sourpuss and urban myth aggrandizer (the so-called: "Curse of the Bambino") Dan Shaughnessy has a wonderfully lucid argument as to why Pete Rose even betting for his own team is bad: it could have had an effect on game time decisions for those games on which Rose did not place a bet. BTW: There were two Hall of Fame inductees announced this week: Congrats to Dennis Eckersley and Paul Molitor.

3. Marathon man: The Missus Jazz is definitely sick of my marathon training. The hours of running. She is very excited that the marathon is this Sunday. When the marathon is over, I will be taking a short one to two week break from running. She is also excited about that. The Missus Jazz can then focus on her Brett Favre.

4. Marry me, I need some PR: Should an annulment be granted to someone who got a married only because they wanted to get their name in the paper? Actually, that is just a official Verbal Jazz Speculation: Britney Spears was suffering a lull in her Q rating after the Madonna kiss. She didn't want to go in-flagrante-de-Hilton and become an overnight porn star. Thus was born the "controversy" of marrying in Vegas then quickly seeking an annulment. Once the press found out, Britney was bound to get some coverage (she's most excited about this conspiracy theory rant in Verbal Jazz). She's out of control! No longer nice girl playing naughty: Yawn!

5. How come no one wants to help me pick up that can of corn I also dropped in the parking lot? Verbal Jazz will not offer any official speculation as to who may be telling the truth about this lottery ticket, but the rules of a lottery are the winnings go to whomever hands it in. Thankfully, it was turned in before I booked that flight to Ohio. It's a good thing that there were all those people that were willing to help that poor woman find her missing lottery ticket: people are so unselfish.
Update: After posting this, Verbal Jazz read that the woman who claimed to have lost the ticket in the parking lot has since admitted to lying about it. Now, seriously, who did she think she was going to fool?

6. Grateful to leave the bakery: The Missus Jazz and I were treated to two hippy wannabes working in an upscale bakery softly singing along to the Grateful Dead song "Uncle John's Band." The Dead, on what I assumed was a live recording, sounded even worse than usual, complete with off-kilter "harmonies" that only a pothead (and other assorted chemicals both organic and non) wannabe hippy could love. Sorry Deadheads but The Grateful Dead sucked and owe their longevity more to the cultural phenomenon of their traveling tribe of churchgoers than to the quality of the music they put out.

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Great Ads

Advertising is designed to persuade people to take an action they may not have thought of on their own. Usually this involves some sort of purchase. Advertising and branding for successful products then become ubiquitous and feed an anti-corporate backlash: bad Nike. That said here are a couple of ads that deserve some special recognition:

Miller Lite Human Dominoes: Verbal Jazz was first struck by the visual absurdity of this ad, watching people topple into one another, falling like dominoes. Whoever came up with this one is a pure genius, right down to the song that proclaims: "freedom of choice." The domino chain is then broken up at a bar when a man in his early 20s orders a Miller Lite. Great ad, terrible beer. When Verbal Jazz first saw this ad, I was extremely disappointed in the product that was being promoted by this wonderful visual montage of toppling bodies, but, hey Samuel Adams brewery has its own ad problems. I mean, what the hell is that "Always a good decision" emphasized by a guy with a bad mullet/beginning of a hippy do all while wearing a colonial era leather jerkin? Just plain weird. I would sooner drink a Sam Adams than a Miller Lite, so I guess the freedom of choice is still mine.

Brett Favre Monday Morning Quarterback ad for MasterCard: The Missus Jazz loves Brett Favre. She loves Brett Favre so much that she would root for the Packers over the Patriots (we live in New England) should the two teams meet in the Super Bowl. She also loves this ad. Occasionally, I will toss off a line from it to her: "I would have double bagged it;" "I would have gone vanilla with that sweater." When I first saw the ad, I guessed the punch line about Monday Morning Quarterbacks, but this one is a keeper, even if the Missus jazz is drooling of Brett Favre (no bad Brett Favre name pronunciation jokes here).

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Satire
Bush Backs Dean

Yesterday, coming on the heels of former senator Bill Bradley's endorsement of Howard Dean for the Democratic nomination, President George W. Bush also endorsed Dean as part of the White House's "Viable Candidates Initiative." In his speech backing the former Vermont Governor, the President cited Dean's opposition to the war in Iraq as well as Dean's "general love for terrorists" both of which Bush sees as key issues for Democrats. In accordance with the "Viable Candidates Initiative" Bush is also expected to endorse a Green Party candidate later this year.

According to White House sources, the President's endorsements under the "Viable Candidates Initiative" are intended to support the policies of the candidates receiving the endorsement. The "Viable Candidates Initiative" is meant to foster a "healthy political discourse" by encouraging different types of candidates.

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Redefining overtime

The Associated Press reported yesterday that the Department of Labor is offering employers advice on how to paying overtime under new rules expected to be enacted this year. Predictably, Democrats and labor unions are not at all happy with the idea that the government is giving ideas for circumventing its own rules. To offer an extended and senseless analogy: Verbal Jazz sees this as the administration, acting as a Teacher's Assistant, giving cheat sheets to employers because it doesn't like the curriculum (i.e. the overtime law).

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I confess, now let me in

In a perfectly orchestrated media campaign that ties in nicely with Baseball Hall of Fame Balloting, a magazine spread in Sports Illustrated, and a forthcoming book ("My Prison Without Bars"), Gamblin' Man Pete Rose confesses to, well, gambling. Since time is running short for the all time hits leader to be enshrined at the living tomb in Cooperstown, NY (Verbal Jazz refuses to explain the scenarios which would allow Rose to be inducted into that institution that refuses to support the First Amendment), Rose figured that the gig was up and he may as well max out on PR while making his bid for the hall. Verbal Jazz has no problem with Rose being in the Hall of Fame, especially since a genuine "major league a**hole" (to borrow the President's description of NY Times columnist Adam Clymer in 2000) like Ty Cobb graces the place. That said, how could any self-respecting baseball team hire Rose as a manager after so many years of denial? As any baseball fan saw last year, the Cincinnati Reds have ceased to be a self-respecting baseball team, so they would be first in line as long as Rose's presence in the dugout guaranteed ticket sales. But that is mere speculation.

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We must rid ourselves of the appearance of impropriety

In celebration of the New Year, CronyCo (i.e. Halliburton), the company once CEO'd by the Secret Agent Veep, lost its government contract in Iraq and the Grand Inquisitor recused himself from investigating a White House leak that led to the identification of a spy who happened to be married to someone who openly criticized the White House's justification for war. In both cases there is an apparent conflict of interest that needs to be negated far in advance of the General Election this coming November. The Grand Inquisitor, being a cabinet level employee runs the risk of conducting an O.J.-like investigation into finding the culprit. In other words, the Grand Inquisitor stands to gain nothing from fingering a friend or colleague. The Secret Agent Veep had the appearance of handing free money to former cronies (with no bid, nonetheless!) who then had the hubris to overcharge the government that they supposedly hold, oh so dear. Even though Halliburton lost its contract, Halliburton can still be known as CronyCo on the pages of Verbal Jazz.

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