Urine, I mean Year in Review

This is the time of the year for the annual "Best of" lists, Top Ten lists and award nominations. If Verbal Jazz were to give out awards, they would be for things like: "Best Nap on the Commuter Rail," or "Person I would most like to forget going into the New Year," or "Best Hyped Picture in my Mind." Because Verbal Jazz underwent a few changes over the course of the last year, I will not be giving away any hardware or offering anyone the opportunity to cite an award from Verbal Jazz in a press release.

Most notably, Verbal Jazz went from a weekly essay, coupled with a daily bite of satire, to a daily blog on June 1. Subtle change, I know, but it provides a laboratory with which to experiment and comment on the events of the day. I've tried to stay away from the blogging territory of exclusive links to articles I agree with and painfully bad, morose poetry. Not that there is anything wrong with either of those: one needs to begin writing painfully bad, morose poetry in order to ascend to the next level: good, morose poetry.

Verbal Jazz mostly tries to keep the proceedings light, with the occasional lash out. Readers of this site will know that I am a Red Sox fan (Game 7 of the ALCS, against the Yankees, was the most heartbreaking moment of the year); find politicians and their reasoning laughable (Is the Fly in the Ketchup for or against the war? Depends on the latest poll, it seems); find the reasons for going to war in Iraq highly suspicious (WoMD, anyone?), but am not exactly weeping for Saddam Hussein (no comparisons to the homeless here); have problems with people trying to enforce their values on others (such as the Baseball Hall of Fame, whose president is a partisan Republican hack, openly uninviting Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon because of their opposition to the war in Iraq); seriously wonder about the proverbial fifteen-minute celebrities (time to go, Paris); and am curious as to how the media clutter our worldview (Fox News, so fair and balanced they would bring a lawsuit against Al Franken for using the phrase in a book).

Anyway, there may be quite a bit to look forward to in 2004: maybe the nearly traded Nomar Garciaparra will find his swing again and be a playoff hero; maybe the electorate will pay attention to the ratings that the League of Conservation Voters give to politicians; maybe the Patriots will win another Super Bowl, knocking the Sox off the front page for a day; maybe my stupid prick of an uncle will finally apologize to my wife, my mother, and me (long story); maybe the Democrats will nominate a candidate that will challenge Bush on a number of issues and not let him parry or thrust on double edged mantra of 9/11 and we got Saddam; maybe the Democrats will get a backbone; maybe Republican leaders will give a damn about clean air; maybe my fantasy football team will finally take home the championship; maybe we will learn that it is the right to disagree that makes America great....

Whew! Who am I kidding? Happy New Year!

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Just Posted

The Verbal Jazz Needlessly Complicated Movie Rating System

By Way of example:
"Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:" one quarter and one eighth note in 4/4 time (i.e. not very good): a rather pedestrian telling of J.K. Rowling's second Harry Potter novel. The movie relies too much on special effects that are not so special instead of relying on the relationships that are central to Harry Potter's world. Good example of why films should divert from the source material and develop their own legs.

The Verbal Jazz Glossary of Terms
It occurred to me that I use a lot of personally invented terms on this site. Here is a handy-dandy glossary to those who may be new to Verbal Jazz.

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Fear of flying

Verbal Jazz knows not what to make of this new plan introduced by the Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid that dictates that an armed guard will appear on designated foreign planes flying over the US. Verbal Jazz maintains that while there is an element of risk and terrorists are most certainly plotting more attacks: that's sort of the nature of terrorists (or "freedom fighters" or "soldiers of god"): to attack and plan attacks that bend the attacked to their will.

Flying is a risky endeavor anyway. Even with countless statistics to assure us that driving is far more hazardous, there is an element of risk involved with letting ones body hurtle at hundreds of miles per hour at 30,000 feet. The main reason that driving is more risky must be that any idiot has the means to get a driver's license and a car (unless they happen to be an immigrant in California), but there is some pretty special training that goes into being able to fly and have access to an airplane. If any "average Joe" (a phrase that needs retiring dues to the TV series) had the access and money to buy a used Cessna then air travel would be a bit riskier. Could you imagine a traffic accident between "Jetsons" style flying cars? Better not be a pickup baseball game going on below.

But then, the risks associated with flying are not due to inadequate pilots crashing into a mountain while distracted by their cell phone conversations, the risks run more toward threats of terrorists seeking to use airplanes as Weapons of Mass Destruction: thousands of pounds of metal filled with gallons upon gallons of combustible fuel as well as people who may be sorely missed. The Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid (otherwise known as Homeland Security), may be taking a necessary step in assuring that those of us who fly to foreign lands come back from said foreign lands and are not used as a missile. On the other hand it could entirely fit with the tired M.O. of the Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid: All fear all the time.

Could you imagine the havoc caused by an armed marshal firing a weapon in an enclosed airplane filled with frightened passengers and determined terrorists?

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The Secrets of Energy

The Anointed seems to find no shortage of ways to double-speak these days, but the Anointed's faithful followers are so gooey with desire for his candidacy that they give him a dream-like stare along with full benefit of the doubt. The subject at hand is a closed-door energy cabal similar to the one the Secret Agent Veep has also conducted. Under pressure the Anointed, then Governor of Ben and Jerry Land, revealed the names of those who were part of the cabal but not what they discussed. To be sure the Anointed had some folks who care about the environment while it would be highly unlikely for the Secret Agent Veep to have anyone who gives a damn about whether we breathe clean air.

The Anointed has called on the Secret Agent Veep to reveal the members of his energy cabal, while simultaneously laughing off any comparison between their respective cabals. In the world of Verbal Jazz this grants the Anointed Entry into the Society for Elliptical Reasoning.

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Why my Mother-in-Law is no longer invited over for Christmas



She gave me a Jason Giambi Christmas Tree ornament. As you can see, it was hung in effigy at the house of Verbal Jazz.

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Ramifications of Mad Cow disease

Atkins dieters are now facing a moral dilemma with the discovery of mad cow disease in the US. Dieters may be asking themselves if they want to lose weight or go crazy with mad cow. Soon the price of meat may fall back to earth as quick and easy Atkins dieters
Make tough decisions in the grocery store. Where once they could eat all the hamburgers and steak they desired (all without bread, of course), those on the Atkins diet may now have to switch to an all bacon diet. Mmmmmm, bacon, sweet bacon.

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Crap That I'm Sick Of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of
Special, Christmas Eve list:


1. What do you want to do, make a Federal Case of it? Multiple murderer and all around unpleasant fellow, Gary Sampson was sentenced to death yesterday in Massachusetts. What's that? Massachusetts has no death penalty? Well, Sampson was tried under a federal carjacking statute and given death, even though he had tried to turn himself in and confessed to the crimes. Don't be surprised if an appellate court turns it into life without parole. What is particularly galling is that the Department of Vengeance, under the guidance of the Grand Inquisitor (i.e. John Ashcroft), sought to press Federal charges because Sampson would not be sentenced to die in a state court. The Department of Vengeance has not so much pursued justice in its tenure as much as it has pursued vengeance. Verbal Jazz maintains that the Death Penalty is one of those personal morality issues that do not need to be enforced nationally: I am proud to live in a state that does not put criminals to death (although every Administration from Weld to Romney has tried).

2. Of Course Santa is Real: Verbal Jazz has a confession of guilt, I am complicit in this lie we perpetuate to young children about Santa Claus. By all accounts children seem ready to believe in Santa, even those that do not have a fireplace. My nephew says that Santa is "magic" and can "make a fireplace appear." My own mother used to tell me that Santa came in through the front door (I suppose he has a universal key?). Verbal Jazz wonders if there have been any studies done to show a link between disappointment over discovering the truth about Santa (flying reindeer? Really?) and a later adherence to atheism. The theory behind this would be that as we grow older myths begin to crumble (Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the government having the best interest of the people in mind) which all leads to a shattering of the god you grew up believing in: and it all starts with lying to our children.

3. It's a bit late for that, motherf**ker: Yesterday New York Governor George Pataki posthumously pardoned dead comedian Lenny Bruce for an obscenity charge that goes back nearly forty years. Verbal Jazz wonders if Pataki, a Republican in the era of the Grand Inquisitor, is trying to give the GOP a kinder gentler feel: "We'll forgive you for what you say forty years later." Meanwhile, the Patriot Acts I and II (Act III will be the denouement) have laid the groundwork for restrictions on the First Amendment, the very thing Bruce railed against.

4. I've got the fever for the flavor of the flu: Flu panic is at a fever pitch this year. Pun intended. Flu shot supplies have run out in many places, although there is a great deal of apathy over getting the shot as many people do not feel they are at risk according to an AP Poll. Verbal Jazz maintains that the apathy over getting a flu shot is the same apathy over the recent Orange Alert (the Mass Statehouse has orange signs limiting parking around the building). In other words, we may be victims of the "Crying Wolf system." At some point one has to turn off the constant fear mongering: FLU, TERRORISTS, RANDOM HOMICIDAL MANIACS, RED MEAT, CIGARETTES, UNPROTECTED SEXUAL ACTIVITY, IRAQ, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, UNANTICIPATED FALLS DOWN STAIRS! It's exhausting.

5. President Flyboy on a roll: The folks running the campaign for the Anointed Democratic candidate are slowly watching as President Flyboy has been on a roll. First, there was the capture of Saddam, now the economy grows by 8.2% in the third quarter. By now the Anointed (or any of the non-Anointeds who still cling to the possibility they could win the nomination) must be praying for mass layoffs in January and a few more quagmire inducing incidents in Iraq. Should neither of those happen, the Anointed will be forced to broaden his political palette beyond the anger over rushing headlong into war. Candidate the General is already saying, "Why not Osama?" While the Taking it on the Chin candidate (think: Kerry) tries to prove street cred by using four-letter words. Flyboy could luck into another four years...

6. Last minute shoppers: Verbal Jazz wonders if these are the same people who file tax returns on April 15.

Verbal Jazz wishes everyone a Happy Holiday no matter your Holiday Persuasion (Hanukkah, Christmas, X-mas, XXX-mas, Pagan Winter Solstice worship for the rebirth of Mother Earth). Enjoy!

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Battle of Marathon Updated

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New Holiday Colors

Secretary Ridge of the Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid (otherwise known as the Department of Homeland Security) warns of a possible terrorist attack during the Holidays, but still advises Americans to travel. Oh, and the Department of Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid has upped their handy-dandy color chart to Orange, even though this time of year is supposed to be Red and Green (or "Silver and Gold"). Apparently, though, many Americans are shrugging off this Chicken Little approach from the government: I guess one has to take their chances in this crazy world where a DVD player selling for $29.99 could incite a riot.

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Crap That I'm Sick Of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

This week's list

1. Feel good ad of the season: Anyone catch that Wal-Mart ad in which a high school class buys a bunch of stuff at Wal-Mart to give to needy kids? The ad is designed to make Wal-Mart look like a happy, feel good company, but, in the ad Wal-Mart does nothing but sell products to these kids who did all the work to raise the money. It's not exactly like Wal-Mart offers a discount to these kids who do all the work to help others. All Wal-Mart does is use underpaid employees to stock the shelves and ring up the items, and for that we are supposed to believe that Wal-Mart is a benevolent force of good?

2. We're off to see the wizard: the discovery of Saddam Hussein in a spider hole seems anticlimactic. Imagine ruling for so long by the methods of fear and tyranny, only to finally be caught cowering in a hole after a negative impact image makeover (Verbal Jazz refuses to classify this makeover as appearing "homeless). Saddam is kind of like the Wizard of Oz in creating a grand illusion that he was all-powerful. But then, that gets to the whole point of "The Wizard of Oz:" people create illusions about who they are to themselves and others, and in the end, the Wizard is just an image.

3. "And a partridge in a pear tree": since the "12 Days of Christmas" is so old, I won't run the risk of copyright infringement. However, I don't think the Missus Jazz would want the "lords a leaping" or even the "five golden rings," but she may request the "maids a milking." In shopping for the Missus, I did order something for her that I know she wants only to be charged more than double for it and have the item switched between the purchase and the email confirmation of my purchase. When I described this as a "Bait and switch tactic" to a customer service representative, she got defensive. In fact she did not even believe that I had placed the correct order. The company has since resolved the issue (and confirmed that there was a mix up in the ordering process for this item), which would make this a good time to rant about the commercialism of the Holidays that lead to stress for both gift purchasers and those on the retail end, but I'll skip it for now.

4. The guilty don't need this so-called "due process:" While the administration was busy celebrating its capture of the Wonderful Wizard of Iraq, a federal appeals court issued a smackdown over its detention policy for "enemy combatants" who also happen to be US citizens. Then, in another smackdown, another federal appeals court said that non-US citizens held as "enemy combatants" at Guantanamo Bay can challenge their indefinite detention. Without due process these enemy combatants are living the life of Joseph K. in Franz Kafka's The Trial (K. gets arrested and put on trial for a crime that is never revealed to him). If these "enemy combatants" are guilty of some crime, let them go to trial to face conviction for their alleged crimes. It might help to begin by alleging a crime, first.

5. Secret Agent Veep (think "Secret Agent Man," the song): Our Secret Agent Veep's old company (Halliburton) has been bilking tax payers and overcharging the government for their (no bid) services. The Pres says Halliburton will have to pay that money back. Now the Supremes will decide on whether the Super Secret Agent Veep has to release details about his super secret League of Energy (otherwise known as the Energy Commission). Verbal Jazz would not be so crass as to accuse Cheney of knowing that Halliburton was ripping us off (a bit like the present I bought for the Missus Jazz, but was overcharged for), but he sure knows who is in the League of Energy, which may explain why he is working so hard to keep it a secret. If, as is suspected, the League is made up of oil companies, what does that say about the administration's commitment to renewable resources: wind, solar, my ass. Seriously, my ass could supply all the heat for my frozen barn of a house, just ask the Missus Jazz. Hmmm...I wonder what kind of secret handshake the League of Energy has or if they have to wear League of Energy insignia or uniforms to their meetings in the Secret Agent Veep's underground lair.

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Union busting

Verbal Jazz grew up in a blue-collar, union loving family. Unions can help workers collectively bargain for fair and reasonable wages, along with other benefits, and allow workers the security in knowing that someone is on their side. Out here in RSN (Red Sox Nation), we have all been eagerly awaiting the imminent arrival of one Alex Rodriguez, reigning MLB MVP, smooth operator, and best player in the game. In order to get A-Rod, the Red Sox arranged a trade that would have sent a goofy, non-intellectual, nonchalant Manny Ramirez ("I Manny; I hit ball) to the Texas Rangers in return for the services of A-Rod. Apparently, the Major League Baseball Players' Association (MLBPA), or the players' union, does not like the restructured deal made to A-Rod's contract and has put the kibosh on the whole thing. Essentially A-Rod makes far more than his current market value due to having been signed in the wacky bubble economy year of 2000. The Union has taken the position of opposing a player's wish to earn less money to be on a competitive team, in a place that lives and breathes baseball (only in Boston could the offseason moves of the baseball team knock news of the first place football team off the front of the sports page). Now, why doesn't someone give me $25 million to write Verbal Jazz?

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Waiting for A-Rod

This is like the first few seasons of Cheers (Sam and Diane) and Friends (Rachel and Ross) all rolled into a few excruciating weeks. One day it looks like A-Rod will continue wearing that big "T" on his forehead, the next day it appears as though he will be wearing the classy and elegant B, while Manny Ramirez wears the "T" and Nomar wears the "LA" which now looks like it may be a "SOX" (as in White Sox). Follow?

This story has wings

To top it off, today marks the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers flight at Kitty Hawk (what if that were Chicken Hawk?) and Verbal Jazz can't find anything pithy to say about how flight has changed. Quicker, more efficient war making was sure an unintended consequence of air flight, and I'm sure the Wright Brothers never envisioned flight attendants giving beverage service, or that they could watch "Metropolis" an in-flight movie. If they had seen "View From the Top," you can be rest assured that those original flyboys would have scrapped the whole thing. "Orville, that was terrible, we have to scrap this whole airplane idea." "You're right, Wilbur. Perhaps we can talk Gwynneth Paltrow out of making such dreck." That's right, if they had seen "View From the Top," the Wright Brothers would have been gossip columnists.

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The Search is over...

They sure "got him" all right, but there are still people out there looking for information that inexplicably leads them the Verbal Jazz. Every so often, Verbal Jazz likes to list some of the random search terms that lead good readers like you to this site.


1. "Holiday anagrams": Angry parents everywhere are coming to Verbal Jazz looking for fun holiday anagrams for their kids; what they get is a cynical take on the holidays and a series of anagrams that focused on the seedier side of the holiday season. In that spirit, Verbal Jazz will create even more anagrams unsuitable for Holiday distribution: uroldhp si rndknig ginaa; nstaan si nicotentnin; shilve sshtwaepo; mddaas slauc* *Anagram answers: Rudolph is drinking again; Santa is incontinent; Elvish Sweatshop; Saddam Claus

2. "cell phone camera + naked + privacy": Cell phones got a boost this week when New Orleans Saints wide receiver Joe Horn used one after scoring a touchdown. The outrage would have been greater had Horn used the phone to photograph his teammates in the shower, which is why some health clubs have disallowed picture phone usage in their facility. Verbal Jazz loves this kind of stunt because it gets on the nerves of purists who concern themselves with the "integrity of the game." Meanwhile the game features 300 pound men wearing skin-tight clothing of questionable fashion sense, who hurl their bodies at other 300 pound men in order to get a chance to knock down a 225 pound man who is involved in running, throwing, or catching. Also, any sport that has Terry Bradshaw or Deion Sanders giving pre-game commentary can't have that much integrity.

3. "nomar mia dirt": Got none. Verbal Jazz is extremely sorry to be unable to furnish you with this information. In order to help you further with your search, Verbal Jazz suggests you get a life. Verbal Jazz is not very excited about not having Nomar in the lineup this spring.

4. "saddam claus": Would you really want this guy coming down your chimney bearing gifts? How would the song go: "Here comes Saddam Claus/ Here comes Saddam Claus/ Right down Spider Hole lane?" His capture certainly comes gift wrapped for President Flyboy and the Neocons (a Super Justice League for the Age of Terror). Could you imagine the Pres complaining about the smell before unwrapping the package?

5. "hilary clinton iraq": You misspell Hillary once and all the other idiots who misspell Hillary come to your site! Perhaps you were looking for Verbal Jazz to rip Hills a new one. Verbal Jazz tries not to engage in partisan bickering. Everyone is fair game on this site, but just because Saddam Hussein has been caught, don't expect a re-election vote for Bush, unless, through some improbability, Pat Buchanan happens to get the Democratic Nomination. Also, don't expect Verbal Jazz to volunteer for Hillary Clinton's 2008 presidential campaign. If she does run, and win, in 2008, maybe Congress could pass a resolution by which a Bush and a Clinton alternate the Presidency every eight years. Thus the partisan bickering could cycle.

6. "eatin good in the neighborhood song": Was someone trying to download an MP3 of this song? The RIAA should put an end to that right away! How dare you try to download a song that is to be used to promote a restaurant! That's almost like downloading a song that is used to promote an album full of songs that suck. Think of all the money that Applebee's could lose if that song gets downloaded for free.

*Anagram answers: Rudolph is drinking again; Santa is incontinent; Elvish Sweatshop; Saddam Claus

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Debate issues

Although months away, Verbal Jazz, through psychic powers, has been able to obtain a transcript of the 2004 Presidential Debates between President Flyboy-in-Chief and an unnamed (wink-wink) Anointed Democratic Nominee:

ANOINTED: Nation building is not the role of the American people.

FLYBOY: We caught Saddam Hussein.

ANOINTED: Every day, the Administration finds some way to erode the civil liberties of the American People

FLYBOY: We caught Saddam Hussein.

ANOINTED: We have X million Americans out of work

FLYBOY: We caught Saddam Hussein.

ANOINTED: We are still occupying Iraq; hundreds of America Soldiers have died; and no weapons of mass destruction have been found.

FLYBOY: We caught Saddam Hussein.

ANOINTED: Your mother wears a diaper.

FLYBOY: We caught Saddam Hussein.

ANOINTED: Gays are getting married as we speak, you said you didn't like that.

FLYBOY: We caught Saddam Hussein.

ANOINTED: Blasafizzle skenepdiad.

FLYBOY: We caught Saddam Hussein.

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"House of Verbal Jazz"

No...it's not "All Saddam, all the time" at the "House of Verbal Jazz." This was out together by my brother-in-law Ryan. Seriously, you should click on this link.

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All the, all the oxen free

The Democrats just witnessed the collective wind go out of their sails, or at least those of Dean the Anointed (new! Official Verbal Jazz term for Howard Dean), with the capture of Saddam Hussein and the end of Iraqi Hide and Seek. Lieberman will be forced to say something along the lines of, "I'm glad they caught Hussein, but they did it all wrong, that's why I should be President even if Al Gore doesn't think so."

Hussein's capture can make the Bush-Leaguers (new! Official term for the Pres' inner sanctum) glow with pride and pronounce that this was a "just war" all along. Maybe now they might have Flyboy-in-Chief (not battle tested) give a speech in front of a "Mission Accomplished" banner. The Missus Jazz is very upset because she doesn't want four more years of the current administration.

One question that remains to be answered: will this really be the end of fighting in Iraq?

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Crap That I'm Sick Of

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

This week's list


1. Happy Holidays: For some reason, Verbal Jazz has not been much in the Holiday spirit this year. Perhaps it has to do with the ongoing job hunt, or it could be that I finally found out that the spirit Santa Claus does not live throughout the year. I'm still mulling a lawsuit against all of the adults who mislead me about Santa Claus in my impressionable years, after I pursue my lawsuit against the administration due to the pain and suffering caused by hostility to my francophonic last name. Anyway, to get me in the spirit, here are 5 of my favorite Holiday songs ( a list within a list, how ingenious!):
I. "Greensleeves" has long been my favorite Holiday song. There's a scene in the movie "Simple Men" where a gas station attendant is playing this song on an electric guitar. I've done that. John Coltrane could do wonders for any song and this is no exception. If you get a chance to listen to Coltrane playing "My Favorite Things" in a Target commercial, you might understand what I mean. Live at the Village Vanguard features Coltrane blasting the hell out of this song and his solid band (McCoy Tyner on piano deserves mention here) backing him up all the way.
II. "The Christmas Song:" Mel Torme wrote it, but Nat King Cole brings a smooth elegance to it. You know, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire," and so on. Wonderful chord changes, it just feels like the Holidays.
II. "O, Christmas Tree." The Vince Guaraldi version on "A Charlie Brown Christmas" makes this song swing, a bit of a diversion from "O, Tannenbaum" but what the hey? Guaraldi fits this song into the American vernacular. The Luciano Pavarotti/Vanessa Williams duet on "SNL" will not be discussed: opera singers and pop singers should not sing together. Ever.
IV. "The Little Drummer Boy." Who was the idiot that thought David Bowie and Bing Crosby could do a duet of "Little Drummer Boy?" The Thin White Duke and an overrated crooner from a bygone era? Verbal Jazz cannot stand listening to Bing Crosby sing. It sounds overly forced. The Missus Jazz loves him and insists that we watch "White Christmas" every year. Really. So why does this song work? Verbal Jazz thinks it works because Crosby is the background bass and not the lead, while Bowie sings about such hopeful treacle as "Peace on Earth." I love this song.
V. "What Christmas Means to Me:" Stevie Wonder brings some soul to the Christmas song and finds the pure joy of the season.


2. 8 Candidates Out: The media, the polls, and Al Gore seem ready to anoint, coronate, or declare (pick one) Howard Dean the Democratic nominee for the position of POTUS. All this before a single primary vote has been cast. It all takes the fun out of voting. Verbal Jazz believes that polls create a sheep-like mentality. Where I may have considered voting for Lyndon LaRouche (not really, but I am making a point here), I may not now because the crackpot has no chance of winning. It's a vicious circle: politicians end up not speaking to the voters, but to those who are polled. Thus, the polls have set the Dean avalanche rolling. Now about this New Hampshire and Iowa Presidential Primary fetish...

3. Let it snow, but not near the MBTA: On Tuesday, Verbal Jazz spent 45 minutes waiting and watching as overcrowded train after overcrowded train passed him by. I ended up walking to work from the Commuter Rail station (after that train had been 15 minutes late) and being an hour late for work.

4. Hot stove chess: Imagine for a minute that chess involved not one piece taking another in order to place the opposing king in mortal danger, but contract negotiations and shuffling of money before, say a bishop could take a queen and announce, "Check!" That's kind of what the news is like as the Red Sox attempt to trade Manny Ramirez for Alex Rodriguez and then turn around to ship Nomar Garciaparra to the West Coast. What it really amounts to is the Red Sox attempting to put a media savvy salesman (i.e. A-Rod) in the lineup who just happens to be the best player in the game, while dumping off two very good players who think "media" is a four-letter word (at least one of those is because the player can only count to four). Is baseball heading for these kind of contracts: looking for player with solid PR skills as well as the ability to catch, throw and hit? Verbal Jazz would almost rather have players who feel uncomfortable talking to Fleet Bank. Anyway, it doesn't look good for this deal.

5. Couldn't wearing "Abercrombie" be construed as a religious symbol, also (Church of the Sheep-like Consumer)? Verbal Jazz has not been one to attack the French for their refusal to back President "My-Way-or-the-Highway" (check the etymology of Vallancourt and figure it out), but the French seem ready to back a ban on Islamic headscarves as well as Jewish skullcaps and large Christian crosses. While not a big fan of religious proselytizing, Verbal Jazz does believe in free expression. In other words Muslims should be allowed to wear headscarves and Christians can bow their head and pray silently before consuming mystery meat, but no one needs to hear about "The Book of Mormon" on school property. In other words, the French are taking this whole "secular" thing too far.

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A number longer than Ulysses?

While perusing today's edition of the Boston Globe, Verbal Jazz discovered that the largest prime number ever has been discovered, and that it would take somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,400 to 1,500 pages to print it, since it runs to about 6.3 Million digits. If only Verbal Jazz had a dollar per digit, but since we did nothing to discover this number, we have no sense of entitlement to earning cash for its discovery. Damn.

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Letter time

Verbal Jazz has decided to forego a pithy analysis of the 5-4 Supreme Court ruling on Campaign finance law to respond to some recent correspondence that you, yes you, the reader have sent my way.

Couldn't wait for the latest addition to answer 2 questions, are you gainfully employed yet & is it possible that there was deeper meaning to your unexpected playoff demise? Tom K.

Tom is the commissioner of my Fantasy Football League. My team, "Honeymoon Kid" (actually lifted from a comment Tom made mid-season), was seeded #1, and lost in the first round of the playoffs. Let's just say that the deeper meaning of my playoff defeat is that any team can lose on any given Sunday, and if certain players don't execute (read: Torry Holt and Michael Pittman, and, to a lesser extent Priest Holmes) then, well, you look at re-building for next year. Well, at least I still have the Patriots.

As for the second question, I am gainfully employed through January 2004, but retain the option of moving on. This week I had a second interview to join the marketing/PR team of a hospital: maybe I could learn a quick thing about performing open-heart surgery on the job? What would take precedence: emergency surgery or drafting a press release about that surgery? I'll take the press release and let someone else handle the patient.

See, Tom, I promised to answer your questions.

Wanted to reply to your entry for December 2nd.I work up here in Manchester [NH], and see many Segway scooters go by every day. Katy N.

Katy N. has a giant crawdad growing in her belly, or one of those things that hunted Ripley (played by Sigourney Weaver) in the "Alien" movies. I once had a roommate who was in love with Sigourney Weaver; he would get this dreamy look in his eye because, well, he was in love with Sigourney Weaver. I will now put on my pretentious and over analytical hat and say that I happen to think that the "Alien" films can be taken as a meditation on the pain of childbirth and how motherhood can turn you into a monster. That said, Katy N. is pregnant, and I do call her child "Crawdad" because she once described it as a crawdad-like creature without actually saying "Crawdad" (that was my doing). Personally, I think she is hallucinating on the Segways.

My favorite and the one that I can proabably relate to the most is "no go ahead, run me over." I have felt it many times, but I know by this point the way my body works no matter how bad the accident was I wouldn't be given a quick easy painless death...I would live on in agony for years most likely and wouldn't be able to drink beer. So I've just said no to walking in front of heavy metal things that are going fast. I'm sad that I'm most likely not going to get up to boston any time soon. I'm busy working this free lance slave labor and going for job interviews and even hopefully going to sit down with the editor of [a poetry magazine] sometime in the next few weeks. I hope that looking for work in the holidays hasn't bummed yoo out to much. If yood like I'll scream out yer name the next time I [have sex with] beautiful young woman...would that make yoo feel better? Tell the little lady [i.e. Missus Jazz] I say hi and that all is good here.
LOve, Kevin O.

Gotta love that Kevin. He can say the most outlandish and indelicate things, yet still sign his letters "Love, Kevin." I must say that this is the first time anyone has ever volunteered to scream my name...it makes me feel like a god.

Chris, I have had the flu for the last week...evenwith four days or over 102 fever, I still dragged mysorry ass to read the Verbal Jazz...good motivation when the Missus beats your ass..."overqualified"...I told myself that crap too...just use that creative mind and make more money than her....good luck,,,,the old sick guy in the valley, Chuck B.

Chuck, now that is commitment. When I have a temp of 102, I stay in bed and away from the computer. I'd probably write better, though. I hope you are feeling better.


Subject: Senator Dennis Kucinich
It is pretty clear to me that those oppose the Iraqi situation will win the '04 elections. Good Luck to Dean, Wesley, and Dennis, and Kerry. Also, Braun and Al, Good Luck. Iraq has and is a UN problem. Is not it a saying, "Do not take the law in your own hands." Wasn't going to war with Iraq disobeying UN Law. Donald F.

Kucinich was never a US Senator. He was a state Senator and a mayor and a congressman and a candidate with little or no hope of winning the nomination. Kucinich is what they call an "issue candidate" who motivates an extreme wing of the Democratic party. Since he is not going to win, Kucinich can say things to the effect of we need to vacate Iraq now and not have to follow through on such a misguided campaign promise. Fact is, we are stuck there and it is not an easy situation, but certainly one that could have been avoided.

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Gore has spoken so now it's over?

No, Verbal Jazz was bad and did not watch the Democratic Candidate debate on TV last night. I also did not watch "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" but could possibly give you a re-cap: a reindeer with a significant genetic mutation is ridiculed by his peers and then, in a moment of need, bails out Santa's ass. Eerily reminiscent of "The Ugly Duckling." From the sound of the debate, Joe Lieberman is still stunned by the Al Gore endorsement of Howard Dean. He apparently forgot that Gore is a Democrat, while Lieberman is in name only. Gore also owed it to himself to pick a candidate who has a reasonable chance of winning the primary and Sharpton, Edwards, Mosely-Braun, Kucinich, Lieberman and Kerry don't really seem to have what it takes. Clark has been blowing it, even with significant mil cred. If Gephardt ends up with the nomination, I may have to forego voting in the 2004 election. Now the Democrats are grasping at straws, as Dean seems poised to channel the anger over the Republican inflation of government into a nomination. Edwards likened the Gore endorsement to a coronation while spewing some rhetoric about how voters make the decision, except in the Republican party, which is a coronation. Last I checked, Republicans and Democrats both go through a primary process and both apply dirty tricks (what the Bush camp did to John McCain in 2000 was low). Anyway, Gore can choose to endorse whomever he thinks is best for the party and the presidency, right? The DODs (Democrats other than Dean) don't seem to see it that way.

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Where's the love? Part I

In a surprising move, Al Gore has decided to endorse Howard Dean for the 2004 Democratic Presidential Nomination. It may seem like being a political fair weather fan: back the exciting candidate who seems well poised to win the nomination according to the polls. It's like claiming to be a Marlins fan after they won the [North American part of the] World Series. Joe Lieberman and John Kerry are not feeling the love. Lieberman is understandably miffed considering that he was the Veep Nominee just three short years ago. Lieberman, though, is a Democrat in name only: kind of like living in Boston and rooting for the Yankees. One cannot be a Bostonian and root for the Yankees, just as one cannot say they are a "Democrat" while pretty much supporting the President's agenda, particularly that thing we got going on in Baghdad and suburbs.

Where's the love? Part II

Nomaaaaahhhh Gaaahciapaaaraaa is also miffed but not because Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean, but because he feels his employer is not giving him enough love. The Sox are reportedly trying to trade outfielder Manny Ramirez to the Texas Rangers for Shortstop Alex Rodriguez (aka A-Rod, or the best player in the game). This little trade has to do with money and passion: both players have money, but Manny is a bit flaky and gives the appearance of not caring and being lazy. Got that? Well, the main complication is that Nomar (or Nomaaaah) is our current shortstop and would have to be traded. He's upset because no one on the Red Sox has yet discussed his departure with him.

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Start burning those AARP cards

President Bush signed the Medicare Reform bill into law today. Since I am a bit south of retirement age, I have not paid much attention to the bill. I'm not so hopelessly partisan as to say something like, "it's the worse piece of age discrimination ever concocted by an administration against the elderly." I do know that those who were alive for Vietnam era protests (the nerve!) are eligible to be AARP members. That may explain the long line of AARP memberships revoked after the AARP came out in support of the reform bill. Next we'll see seniors burning their AARP member cards and singing protest songs about getting cheap drugs. Hmmm, things really don't change all that much, do they?

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Crap That I'm Sick of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

1. "Do They Know It's Christmas:" Can one applaud the sentiment, but really dislike the implementation? Have you ever listened to the lyrics of this godawful song? Some of the more egregious examples: "Where nothing ever grows/No rain or falling snow;" "Here's to them underneath the burning sun;" and my all time favorite, Bono songs: "Well tonight thank god it's them instead of you." My friend Mariann and I talk about how awful and condescending this song is every year. Thank you 1980s for giving us a self-righteous Christmas carol.

2. Job hunting during the holidays: Last week, my colleagues and I received our rejection letters from the company taking over our program. They all said the same thing about our "impressive qualifications." What they didn't say is that none of us would fit in their company (except the one who has accepted a job there). Verbal Jazz also had one the top five worst interviews this week, sandwiched between two fairly good interviews.

3. No, really, go ahead and run me over: This morning a gentleman in a BMW nearly ran me over in a crosswalk in front of the Massachusetts State House in which I had the "Walk" signal. He immediately looked apologetic but I yelled at him, anyway: "Do you see that? [pointing at the red light] Do you see that?" He had, what I would assume to be his daughter in the car with him. When getting prepared to barrel through a red light, ask yourself: would you want your daughter to see you running over pedestrians? This runs corollary to the seven or eight cars that blew by me as I waited to step into a crosswalk (no light) on my run last night.

4. One ring to rule them all: My wedding band is one very loose ring. It doesn't want to stay on my finger and often can be removed without any hesitation at the knuckle. Yesterday the ring flew off my finger when I got on the commuter train. I quickly retrieved it and placed it back where it belongs. Those of you heavily into symbolism can read into it that I shouldn't be married. I'll prefer to say that I should have my ring re-sized.

5. Hot stove baseball: okay, maybe not the baseball part, but certainly the hot stove. In the last week the Sox acquired Curt Schilling and officially handed the keys to the Porsche to Terry Francona, but it has been, well "butt cold" in these parts and we are expecting a fairly significant amount of snow this weekend, which may put a damper on my plans for a 20-miler. Usually one of two things happens when such unruly amounts of snow are predicted: 1. The storm fizzles and we get either rain or a dusting or 2. We get twice as much. Sometimes the forecasters get it right. When you think about it, weather forecasters are like respected psychics: they rely on circumstantial data (i.e. a weather pattern or a deck of Tarot cards) to make an assessment about what the future will bring. Perhaps psychics should have a sign saying "Madam Soandso, Spiritual Advice and Weather Forecasting." Now if they could only tell us when the Sox will win the Works Series.

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Congratulations are in order

The Missus has a new job with her company. She will now be a Marketing Coordinator instead of an RFP Coordinator. And I'm the one that has been looking for a job for the past two months! (with time off for wedding and honeymoon, of course). How do you like that, huh? I bust my butt trying to find gainful employment for when this position no longer exists and there goes the missus just waltzing right into a new job. Like finding a new job is so easy! I'll show her.

The above diatribe is not serious. I wish the Missus well, believe me. I think she'll be great. I mean she had submitted my resume a while ago for the position, but I happen to be overqualified. How do you like them apples? Then she goes in and says, "Yeah, sure, I'll take a new job and leave my husband to face unemployment."

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Search engine getaway

Occasionally, Verbal Jazz likes to scan through the search engine items that bring people to the mythical land of Verbal Jazz. More often than not, people are not finding what they are looking for when they come here, which leads Verbal Jazz to wonder how people got here in the first place. Without further ado, here are some items that caught our eye:

1. Jason Varitek very pregnant: Is somebody trying to put the Boston Red Sox catcher into a sequel of "Junior?" Would Varitek then run for governor of Massachusetts seeking to oust Governor "Whitebread" (i.e. Romney). If Varitek ran for governor the Missus Jazz would vote for him whether she agreed with him or not. (Missus Jazz officially fumes at our Governor and President).

2. Nigerian clan wedding: Verbal Jazz is officially not an expert on Nigerian Clan wedding rituals. I am an expert on my own nuptials, however. Yesterday, the missus Jazz and I received our proofs from the photographer and they are fabulous. Have I mentioned that our wedding photographer is named Michael Nesmith? Yes, he gets the Monkees reference all the time. When Verbal Jazz first met Mr. Nesmith, I phrased the question thusly: "You must be sick of all the Monkees references." Hardly original, I know. Mr. Nesmith is very diplomatic about it. I bet if he photographed a Nigerian clan wedding, no one there would get the reference to the Monkees inherent in his name.

3. Dukakis in a tank quayle potato monkey business: What are three superfluous political stories from the 1980s? How often can Dan Quayle take heat for misspelling potato? Mike Dukakis for riding in a tank? Gary Hart for all his Monkey Business?

4. applebee's song: We've already discussed how the Applebee's theme is incorrect on so many semantic levels. Why beat a dead horse? (No horse was actually beaten in the writing of this Blog. Not other animals were harmed, except those that happened to stumble upon Verbal Jazz).

5. sound bites Sandra Day O'Connor: Next man bites dog. Should one ask Justice O'Connor what it is like being bit by sound?

6. Planning office holiday party: When planning an office holiday party, Verbal Jazz makes the following recommendations: get everyone rip-roaring drunk and take plenty of potential blackmail photos.

7. Holiday anagrams: Here are some fun Holiday Anagrams not fit for the entire family: Satan slauc; oyt; srsca mscloiecramim; ftginergi; loca.*

8. Chris Vallancourt: Swell guy, I know him quite well.


*Anagram answers: Santa Claus; toy; crass commercialism; regifiting; coal

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Poll position

Verbal Jazz just loves polls because they are either an accurate or inaccurate representation of the attitudes of the American people. A poll released today by the University of Maryland revealed that 71% percent of the American people feel that going to war with Iraq has not reduced the threat of terrorism. I'm shocked! Since this little vanity project called a war got started, I have yet to be shot at.

As with most polls, this one takes a relatively small statistical sampling of American people (say around 700 compared to 288 MILLION; or roughly one person speaking for every 411,000) and makes a grand assumption about the attitudes of the general populace.

How do polls predict outcomes? For instance, would Howard Dean be such a front runner right now without the polls that captured the frustration of those not wanting to get into the Iraq War (Now! Guaranteed to not increase your safety according to 70% of one per 411,000!).

Like anyone else, I really dig the polls that support my views. Maybe I should build a bunker in my back yard because that poll told me we are not any safer...

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Rare Verbal Jazz personal update

The job search process is never easy: you go into an interview hoping that the person (or people) on the other side like you well enough to consider you a viable candidate. I had one of those job search moments today where I was only too happy to head home. Basically I was interviewing for a glorified secretary position for a company that had no reception or greeting area. Now Verbal Jazz is an idea man (think Michael Keaton in "Night Shift:" "I'm an idea man, Chuck," and you'll get the point), not a glorified secretary.

On a side note, Verbal Jazz did have a very positive interview yesterday with an institution that respects his "idea man" status.

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Science fiction segue, I mean Segway

I've been looking out my window for months now just waiting for a Segway scooter to pass by. And waiting. And waiting. Apparently Segway has been doing the same thing in hoping they sell. Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting. But now Segways are going to be used by the US military in order to develop battle field robots that think and interact. Soon, we'll be letting the machines fight the wars while keeping our troops home and robots will be holding up masses of wires and screaming "Why?" Then robotics gets thrown into the whole nasty fray of determining what is and is not a "life." Could get ugly.

Will the phrase "Robots of Mass Destruction" (RoMD) mean anything? We could always skip the robot step and just let video games decide who wins the war: then troops will be trained in manual dexterity, not battle.

So, what does this all prove? That Segways are highly impractical and very expensive toys that are best suited to being blown to bits on the battle field. I still haven't seen one ride by.

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We're just like real spies

When I heard that the POTUS made a surprise visit (the length of n airport layover, nonetheless!) to troops in Iraq on Thanksgiving, I felt the love. No, wait, it made me wish I were in Baghdad pumping lead (or whatever material they use in bullets nowadays) into Iraqi guerillas so that I could feel personally thanked by the POTUS for risking my neck on a daily basis. I mean, no one made a special point of being thankful for Verbal Jazz this holiday weekend.

Verbal Jazz finds the whole secret mission aspect of the POTUS' visit to Iraq somewhat amusing. I have long maintained that the POTUS and his cabal of Neocon advisors are just overgrown children playing spy games, bandying about phrases such as "intelligence" and "security" in an attempt to inflate their own importance and the gravitas of their special knowledge. Essentially, the POTUS top secret mission amounted to: "Here's your turkey, gotta go, if you get shot in the ass, my advisors will truth filter the news from me." Fair or not, Verbal Jazz can picture the POTUS giddy with glee on his little top-secret flight. I wonder if the flight attendants gave him a special decoder ring.

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