Happy Turkey Day

Thanksgiving remains the #1 Holiday for Verbal Jazz. When I was a child, it was Christmas, of course. Thanksgiving has relatively few expectations: just enjoy the food and put on a pound or two. Maybe watch some football. If you happen to be reading this on Turkey Day, I have just one thing to say: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THE COMPUTER ON THANKSGIVING? Are you looking for the Paris Hilton video? Did you hope to find some gossip on Nomar's sex life? Or are you just trying to ignore your family because they suck all of your will to live out of you?"

Whatever it is, Happy Thanksgiving

|

Verbal Jazz on the hot seat

Normally in a job interview situation, I tend to mention the existence of this website. Mostly because I like to abuse the English language, and Verbal Jazz is an off-the-cuff type of site that occasionally engages in serious mangling of the English language.

Yesterday, Verbal Jazz was mentioned in both job interviews (to prove that I have at least a basic understanding of the workings of HTML). One interview even managed to get my talents as a vocal mimic out in the open, after being asked if I would be comfortable speaking on the radio.

|

AARP: "Erp?"

The AARP (formerly known as the American Association of Retired Persons) caught many of its members by surprise in supporting the Medicare plan that passed in the Senate yesterday and now only needs the signature of the President. Some were so surprised that they have cancelled their membership, leaving said AARP (is that the sound a dog with a speech impediment would make?) in the dubious position of having to defend itself to its members. Meanwhile, the AARP does not have to defend itself to the drug manufacturers that advertise in their magazine ("Seniors, you need DRUG, fine print is on the back), or to private insurance companies (Seniors, spend what little is left of your Social Security (soon to be privatized by an Administration near you) on your private health plan!).

|

No needles here, just more hay

Detailing the search items that bring folks like you here, often against your will.


1. Cat in the Hat sucks: Am I not the only person taking such glee in hearing that the movie version of Dr. Seuss' "Cat in the Hat" is not very good? This weekend I read "Horton Hears a Who" to my three-year-old niece. She sat listening to the rhythms of Dr. Seuss' language and kept asking what the elephant (i.e. Horton) was doing. She was also very excited by the monkeys. Next, we'll have John Goodman in the title role with some booger jokes as Horton sneezes. Verbal Jazz is all for creative interpretations ("The Lord of the Rings" movies are better than the books, sorry Tolkien fans), but "The Cat in the Hat" caves into the worst kind of cross promotional Hollywood marketing. Why don't they have a "Mystic River" adult meal at McDonald's?

2. Mark Prior fiancé: Honestly, I know nothing of Mark Prior's fiancé or his plans to marry. This is Verbal Jazz, not the "Baseball Nuptial Page."

3. Nomar Garciaparra wedding date: It was this past weekend, if anyone is interested. Nomar and Mia can now officially have religiously sanctioned sex. Nomar could have also chosen to marry any of his Red Sox teammates in Massachusetts. Verbal Jazz wishes Nomar and Mia all the best. The Missus and I are still awaiting our gift from Nomar and Mia. Where's the love? I thought we were friends.

4. Rush Limbaugh Oxy Contin song: Verbal Jazz does not break out into song when a person who claims to be right about everything has an addiction to something like Oxy-Contin. Other people may. Verbal Jazz has been known to create ad-hoc musicals, much to the chagrin of the Missus. In fact, I create endlessly hummable songs that get lodgted in her head, but have no musical value.

5. Embarrassing man-boobs: The official word for it is "Gynecomastia." It essentially means you look like a man who can lactate. Anyone remember Meat Loaf's character in Fight Club? Yeah, he had that problem. There are other men with this problem. Verbal Jazz feels your pain.

|

More from the Verbal Jazz needlessly complicated movie rating system

View from the Top: View from the top of what? The trash heap? The church play that I attended this weekend (a friend of the missus was in it) was better written and acted than this movie. There is no bite in this comedy and the ending is straight out of sitcom hell.

Rating: 3 eighth notes in 4/4 time.

|

Crap That I'm Sick Of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

This week's list:


1. Because it's a thriller... By now everyone knows that in the past week Michael Jackson has had his house searched, been arrested, been charged with molesting a child, posted some ridiculous bail, and, seemingly related if you are to believe Jackson's camp, released a greatest hits album. We also know what his mug shot looks like, and that any reasonable parent would never let a child near the Neverland Ranch (doesn't the Peter Pan allusion creep you out just a little?).

2. Until now, I thought it was just a hotel in France: Really, who cares that some wealthy socialite appeared in an amateur porno that was meant for private audiences? Obviously the people who waste our time with the numerous Paris Hilton articles. Big deal, lots of women spread their legs for men who are happy to partake in the joys of their leg spreading. In a few years she'll be the tip-of-the-tongue-yet-oh-so-elusive answer to a Trivial Pursuit question.

3. That darned crazy cat on a hot tin roof of kitty litter: The early returns are in: "The Cat in the Hat" sucks. That does not mean it won't make a gazillion dollars (A gazillion-twenty Euros), though. Although no animals may have been harmed in the making of the film, the reputation of Dr. Seuss sure takes a blow. Over the past few weeks we have been barraged with ads for the movie and the BK tie in, as well as seeing Mike Myers catted up face in the Subway. Enough already, we get that the movie opens today and the promotional tie-ins are all lined up. Aren't you glad this didn't rhyme?

4. Tourists, I mean terrorists: The way Bush says "terrorists," he makes it sound like "Tourists." Think about it: we will not let "tourists" get away with it. Or something like that. The bombings in Turkey were frighteningly awful. Iraq is still a gawdawful mess, yet, we are going to dismantle al-Qaeda's organizational structure. Soon, they will have to outsource to temporary staffing.

5. Moral absolutism: Perfect solution for those opposed to gay marriage: Marry het style, instead. I mean, it is your preference, right? Or you could join the many churches that do not allow gays to marry. Verbal Jazz has problems with moral absolutism, anyway. Opposed to abortion? Work to provide greater access to contraceptives, or in the case of that cabal of white male legislators surrounding Bush as he signed the late term abortion bill: draft legislation to distribute condoms. It'll never happen, but, hey, Verbal Jazz at least offers real world solutions. [side note: the best commentary I have seen on Gay Marriage can be found on Slate].

|

The Verbal Jazz Institute for the American Family (VJIAF)

Remember yesterday when I threatened to introduce the Verbal Jazz Institute for the American Family? I like to keep my promises.

The Verbal Jazz Institute for the American Family (VJIAF) is dedicated to telling other people what to do with their private lives and to being obsessed, in particular, with the sexual practices of others. That said here are VJIAF's position statements on issues that affect the American Family:

Gay Marriage: The VJIAF feels that gay marriage represents a threat. It is a vast conspiracy to recruit the youth of America into moral depravity. Being gay is kind of like a cult, right?

Abortion: The VJIAF prefers the semantic tactics of using words like baby killers, and "partial-birth" abortion. The VJIAF sees there is only one choice: bring more unwanted and unloved children into this world. We need more of those. Oh, and make sure they have alcoholic and abusive parents. If every child were wanted, we'd be a nation of pussies.

Masturbation: Wasted seed as far as the VJIAF can tell. Scientific research supports the assertion that it will make you blind. Just ask Oedipus. Besides, masturbation is lustful and we know where that leads: to forcing more unwanted children in this world.

Violent TV shows and movies where bad people get riddled with bullets: we're all for it.

TV Shows and movies that talk frankly about sex: Not that we're into censorship but sex is ruining the American family.

Church attendance: Mandatory. We need to thank god for all this freedom.

Disclaimer: The previous post is meant to be satiric in nature.

|

We've managed to fire the board of directors, middle management is next

President Bush is apparently enjoying the protests over in England. The toppling of the Bush statue, echoing the toppling of the Saddam Hussein statue last spring, was an obvious means of expression for the protestors. Verbal Jazz is not here to criticize protest methods. Although , on second thought, we could grade them utilizing the Verbal Jazz new and improved rating system for movies ("Casablanca:" One whole note in 4/4 time). Never mind: Bush seemed to be amused by the protests, more than anything and attempted to link the freedom to protest with the mess we got going on in the Middle East. I wonder if Bush and Blair are relieved that the latest terrorist attack happened not in Iraq, but in Turkey, a NATO member: "Al-Qaeda hit a NATO member, time to ramp up the whupp-ass on those Motherf**kers and attack Syria," or something like that.

Verbal Jazz freely admits to rambling. President Bush said something this morning that made Verbal Jazz stand up and take notice: "if you were to view al Qaeda's organization structure as kind of a board of directors, and then there would be the operating management, we are dismantling the operating management, one person at a time. We're on an international manhunt."

At least Verbal Jazz went, "Huh?" Comparing Al-Qaeda to a corporate entity is missing entirely how al-Qaeda operates. It's kind of like calling a pitcher on a baseball team the quarterback and the catcher a defensive end. It also affirms Verbal Jazz's belief that the President views everything in terms of a business structure. This may work in an emerging oligarchy, but when dealing with a non hierarchical structure like al-Qaeda, it is simply dishonest, at best, or flagrantly misinformed, at worst. Seriously, our President doesn't even understand the organizational structure, or lack thereof, of the enemy? The business world has a phrase for it: competitive intelligence.

|

You say its your birthday

Verbal Jazz is one year old today. That is Verbal Jazz the website, not the author; there are still plenty of shopping days left until June 24. Plenty. To commemorate this glorious occasion Verbal Jazz would like to mention some of the ideas for the title of this website before settling in on Verbal Jazz:

Tossing Orange: I used to toss a foam orange around with a co-worker. We would talk about all kinds of stuff. Tossing Orange would be that kind of forum.

Bad Handwriting: Ever seen my handwriting? It's atrocious. It's scary. It should not be shown to children because it will develop bad habits in them. This is why I am not a teacher.

Flogiston theory: I am a sucker for out of date scientific theory. We humans can be so imaginative. Phrenology.com was taken. Damn!

Vallancourt: My simple, elegant last name is one that no one can spell. Everyone can spell Verbal Jazz. If they can't spell either Verbal or Jazz they need help. Seriously.

Elliptical Reasoning: Pretentious and boring. I frequently like to talk about the "Society for Elliptical Reasoning," which will be explained at a later date. I promise. But think of it this way: people who make arguments or say things that circle the wagons of reasoning, such as Michael Jackson's lawyer claiming sexual abuse allegations are always tied in to a major record release.

Lies & Nonsense: This is what the site was called when it was simply a Geocities site. Being a marketer by trade, I wanted to rebrand the website and start anew. There are still plenty of lies and nonsense here, though.

|

"Gay" State Backlash

Now: the fallout. The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court (in Massachusetts we name everything just slightly off of national trends: Supreme Judicial Court, Department of Environmental Protection, Executive Office of Transportation and Construction instead of Department of Transportation) handed pundits around the country a bonus check with their 4-3 ruling on gay marriage. All kinds of spokespersons from organizations with the word "Family" in the title are frothing at the mouth to talk about how this ruling will ruin families. After seeing many families ruined by alcohol and drug abuse, I don't think a gay married couple next door is the ruination of civilization, but hey! Media bobbleheads are also talking about how the ruling grants the Republicans a solid campaign issue for 2004. Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (a Mormon, and we already know about their shaky history), and George W. Bush (who was once apparently on the path of family destruction) are both against gay marriage.

Verbal Jazz would like to point out a few fun filled facts with regard to gay marriage:

1. Men and women can still marry each other. And divorce. This decision does not rescind any rights.

2. No men have yet asked me to marry them. I doubt this will happen since I am already married. And to a woman.

3. Marriage is all about equal protection, such as the right to hospital visits. Would you deny loved ones visiting privileges? Just asking.

4. Isn't it nice that people who love each other can express that?

5. No one is forcing churches to host gay weddings.

Tomorrow Verbal Jazz promises to introduce the Verbal Jazz Institute for the American Family (VJIAF).

|

A more simple, yet complicated means of reviewing movies.

Remember when I said I would explain the new Verbal Jazz movie super complicated rating system? This is one lie I won't break.

Verbal Jazz has long maintained that movie rating systems used by critics, and by online entities, are just a convenient way to gloss over the meat of the review. Although with the online review, there often is not much meat: just a vote for either loving or hating a film or a book.

To further complicate matters, Verbal Jazz has developed a rather hokey means of rating movies. Verbal Jazz frequently changes the time signature on movies. 4/4/ time is the most common, but we have been known to review films in 3/4 time, and, should the film be truly bizarre, we will review it in other time signatures. If the notes in the measure, fill it up, consider it a rave. For example: four quarter notes in 4/4 time is the equivalent of a rave review, or one whole note in 4/4 time is a rave. 2 sixteenth notes in 3/4 time is not. Does this make no sense? Good.

While I was ill yesterday, I watched three films (Please disregard yesterday's ratings, they were inaccurate):

"Erin Brockovich": 3 quarter noted in 4/4 time. (Good)

"Dogma" 3 eight notes in 3/4 time. (Bad)

"Matrix Revolutions": 11 eighth notes in 7/8 time. (Good)

Now you might ask, where is the meat in these reviews? Well, the rating method is so complicated that the subtle nuances of film reviewing get glossed over while the reader gets to figure out the rating scheme. Good luck.

|

Insert bad Gay-Themed headline here
Remember when I told you last night that I would explain the ramifications of any potential new job on Verbal Jazz? I lied.

In between watching movies both good ("Erin Brockovich": 3 Whole Notes in 4/4 Time) and bad ("Dogma": 1 1/4 notes in 3/4 Time) Verbal Jazz discovered a whole new handy rating system for movies, books, and other forms of entertainment as well as took notice that all Episcopal Bishops are now allowed to marry in Massachusetts, but all are still not allowed to neither ask nor tell in the United States Military. In short: the Supreme Judicial Court for the Commonwealth (we're so good we're not even a State) of Massachusetts has found that Gay Marriage legal in Massachusetts.

Verbal Jazz won't bore you with the details of the ruling we (Royal "We," mind you) didn't really want to be bored with either. Apparently, this ruling isn't the final nail in the coffin for "Family Values" advocates, the legislature has six months to respond and we in Massachusetts could be voting on a Constitutional amendment to ban Gay-Marriage in 2006.

Homosexual rights are still a hot potato. Potato is still a word that reminds me of Dan Quayle and his misspelling of that word. Remember when Quayle lambasted "Murphy Brown" for showing a woman having a child out of wedlock? It wasn't all that long ago that openly gay characters did not exist on TV. The Missus Jazz was watching an episode of "Murder, She Wrote" in which all male dancers with a ballet company were mulleted hets (not that there can't be mulleted het dancers, but certainly not every male in the troop).

Back to the hot potato. Are people, even in "liberal" Massachusetts ready to accept openly gay marriage?

|

Blogging while sick

That's right: Verbal Jazz refuses to take a sick day. In fact, Verbal Jazz went on a job interview today, but did not perform up to his usual job interview standards due to the yellow mucus running out of his nose. It was like having Elmer's Glue in the nose. That's pretty gross. I have another interview tomorrow and hope to be feeling better. There is something rather unpleasant about having to answer questions and be on the "A" game when all you want to do is sleep. I am having such an off-day I can't think of anything slightly amusing to say about Scharzenegger's inauguration (that's okay, Andy Borowitz, has already done so), or Rush Limbaugh returning to radio after a stint in rehab (you know, those addicts are ALL the same), or John Allen Muhammad being found guilty (eagerly awaiting the Charles Moose breakdown and subsequent sequel to his book, mind you!).

Tomorrow, I will answer that question that is on everyone's mind: what will become of Verbal Jazz once Verbal Jazz has a new job?

|

Crap That I'm Sick of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of


1. You got juice? Major league baseball is getting serious about cracking down on Steroids. Chicks dig the long ball, baby and the juice is part of the game, right? Or is it that chicks dig the long ball and those hit on the juice are more tarnished than those hit with a corked bat? Why not just put everyone on the juice and even the competition that way? That way, when you do drug testing, anyone who turns up negative gets a suspension and an intervention program. Keep those long balls coming.

2. The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind: been very windy here in the Northeast and ruining my comb over. Seriously, I do not comb over, I just rely on people not being able to see above my timberline. But it is still windy. If you want wind, though, go to the top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire. That is some wind, but they do at least have a snack bar. You hike all the way up a freakin' mountain and some fool wearing a windbreaker and dress shoes is complaining about the long ride? Then you pray for a gust to blow said person off the mountain.

3. The wheels come off the bus: John Kerry has been a pretty effective Senator, but his campaign has not only run out of steam, it seems to not even care about finding its energy. Those following the primary will know that Kerry fired his campaign manager recently, which led to the resignation of two other high profile players in his campaign. Those not following the primary will know that after reading the last sentence. None of the Democrats saw the Dean juggernaut coming, Confederate Flag on Pickup truck and all.

4. Glad I don't work here anymore: Seriously, I did once work for one of the divisions of this company that recently paid $4.5 million on a postal fraud claim. I worked for the travel division. Let's just say the work environment was less than friendly.

5. Take this shove and job it, or something like that: Here is the Verbal Jazz job search update. Interviews this week: 1; interviews next week: 2. Verbal Jazz also attended a resume workshop and got some useful information. Bottom line: I'm so awesome that you should hire me. Were it only that simple. I am awesome though, one does not create Verbal Jazz without a certain amount of hubris. I love hubris.

|

There is no truth to the rumor that I have...

(a semi-regular round up of search items that lead you, o unsuspecting soul, to this website)

1. Naked Pictures of Jessica Lynch: This promises to be another one of those ubiquitous search items. I do not, nor will I ever have, any pictures of Jessica Lynch on this site. I wish Pfc. Lynch well in adjusting to her brief fame, and applaud Larry Flynt for refusing to publish said photos. That said: what kind of sick freak wants to see Lynch naked unless she willingly gives it up to you? Dude, get a life.

2. Skip Caray quotes: Caray is the "voice" of the Atlanta Braves, and probably the reason no one is a braves fan. He sounds like Kermit the Frog on downers. Really. The guy injects about as much life into a baseball game as your high school math teacher did into Algebra. That said, why would anyone would want a Skip Caray quote is beyond me.

3. Jason Varitek underwear: I know the missus is behind this, she admitted as such facetiously. Varitek is Mrs. Verbal Jazz's favorite player and she probably would not mind seeing him in his underwear. We saw him in Logan Airport a couple of years ago, about two weeks after 9/11, when airports were ghost towns with rifle toting National Guardsmen. We decided not to speak to him, as he was with his very pregnant wife. Just thought you should know.

4. Battle of Marathon: No, this is not the site where the guy dies after shouting, "Nike!" Nor is it a lesson in Greek history. It is my personal marathon blog in which I am attempting to raise money to combat a rare disease. Disclaimer: by writing Nike, I meant the Greek Goddess of Victory, not the shoe company based in Oregon, you know the one with the ubiquitous Swoosh logo. Yeah, them. I don't even wear Nike products while running. Persona preference. I understand they do make some good shoes. I just don't like them. I like what I wear just fine.

|

Would you like a definition with that?

McDonald's is now threatening to sue Merriam-Webster over the use of the phrase McJobs in the latest edition of Webster's Dictionary, claiming that the phrase is derogatory and a "slap in the face" to restaurant workers. Burger flippers everywhere are up in arms and threatening to boycott the purchase of the new Webster's Dictionary once they figured out what to do about that damn acne. Well, the phrase McJobs is meant to be insulting because, to go along with the dictionary definition, burger flippers are not exactly on the fast track to success. Sure asking if someone would like fries with that, could lead to restaurant management and ownership in the future, but a McJob is appropriately dead-end. Linguistically, McJob works better than "Wal-job," or "BKJob," or "Paper or Plastic? Job."

McJob is part of the lexicon, and, let's face it, whenever you see someone over the age of 23 working in fast food, you have a pretty good idea they got off the college track somewhere and McDonald's will just have to face the perception that asking if someone wants to Supersize is not a career track that most people want to be on.

|

All hail the sacred symbols

Retired General Wesley Clark, you know the Army guy running for the Democratic Presidential nomination, has decided to shun the support of the ACLU wing of the Democratic party by endorsing a Constitutional amendment on flag burning. Flag burning is one of those manufactured issues (partial-birth abortion and gay marriage also seem to fit the bill). Flag Burning sparks heated debates between free speech advocates and people who evidently internalize symbolism. No one is going to support flag burning unless they are on the extreme edge of society, or in college, or just happen to like fires and the only fuel handy is an American Flag. Would a judge seriously penalize a defendant who burned a flag rather than freeze to death? Just a hypothetical.

Clark has now put the Democratic contenders in a precarious position: any Presidential candidate who does not support a ban on flag burning can then be portrayed as un-American, when the actual ban would be un-American (who needs freedom, when you've got symbols?). It seems as though Clark has really done himself a double disservice: as a retired General, he is in the unique position of supporting the freedom that Americans like to say they stand for, thus granting the supporters of the other candidates no reason to switch to Camp Clark. If flag burning is outlawed, can upside-down crosses be far behind?

|

Open Season on Primaries

Once upon a time, in a land long forgotten (hint: it used to be called America), the primary season developed as a slow boil, beginning in New Hampshire and working its way toward the party conventions. Now, according the Associated Pres, state Presidential primaries are being eliminated due to budget concerns and a perceived lack of impact on a front loaded primary season. Please allow Verbal Jazz to scratch his ever balding head with a "What the F**k ever happened to democracy?" look. The idea behind a primary is to allow citizens to have a say in who they want to see go mano-a-mano come November. In this case, the Democrats are deciding who they want to take on the Filtered-media-junkie-flyboy-in-chief, George W. Bush. Democratic in states such as Colorado, Kansas, Maine won't get to cheer on their favorite Democrat in the primary.

This news about the Primaries will of course lead to a chorus of: "We need to change the system." To that end Verbal Jazz has come up with some new primary suggestions:

1. The candidate who raises the most money wins: Isn't the goal of the election to affirm which candidate got the most money? This method cuts out the middleman, at least.

2. Presidential Idol: Have America vote by telephone and watch as weekly talent contests winnow the candidate pool down. I, for one, would love to hear Joe Lieberman's golden pipes.

3. PATs: Presidential Aptitude Tests: Have a series of tests that measure the aptitude of the potential candidates. The only drawback is that the Bush Administration would inevitably have a hand in developing the tests, measuring apathy as aptitude. To score a perfect 1600 (goes with the address, eh?) the candidate would have to answer that he or she would defer to an incredibly hawkish staff looking out solely for corporate interests.

4. Have primaries all on same day: nah! Too easy!

5. Beauty pageant: Dick Gephardt in a swimsuit and heels, need I say more?

6. Let the Supremes Decide: Instead of letting the American people pick the candidate least likely to defeat Bush, let the Supreme Court do it. They have plenty of experience deciding elections.

7. Military Credentials: Move over, John Kerry, so you were in Vietnam? Wes Clark was a General: take that to the Presidential House!

Final note: In an attempt to balance coverage of the Democratic Nomination, Verbal Jazz will now mention the Democratic candidates not mentioned in this piece. In particular random order they are: Carol Moseley Braun, Dennis Kucinich, Al Sharpton, John Edwards, and Howard Dean. Verbal Jazz makes every attempt to be as subjective as possible, we hope the attempt at objectivity helps.

|

Look at these pictures...

More proof that gadgets should serve a singular function: The Boston Globe reports today that many health clubs are banning cell phones with built-in cameras due to privacy issues. Apparently people who are trying to make their naked body look good don't want pictures of their naked body broadcast to the rest of the world. I guess not everyone would be willing to appear on a reality TV show: eating worms and being on TV is better than eating well and not being on TV to some people.

Cell phone cameras give us a much different than the Jetsons offered, eh? In the Jetsons, George and Jane and Spacely stared into a stationary picture phone device. With the cell phone camera, you can just carry it in your pocket. Pretty soon the cell phone will go from being a phone, internet, email and camera to being some sort of mobile ID passport. Verbal Jazz has both a cell phone and a digital camera (Verbal Jazz likes to go visual sometimes, go figure) but is happy to have them be two different devices.

Then the paranoiac in me envisions that soon you could have some Dudley-Do Right sort photogging all sorts of marginal criminal behavior and forwarding the images to the local police. Not that I would be doing anything wrong, mind you, but the idea of someone watching me to wait for me to do something wrong I find a bit disconcerting.

|

Crap That I'm Sick of

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

1. Made for TV melodrama: When I first saw the ad for "Saving Jessica Lynch" I didn't do a double take or spew venom (the Missus was fighting mad, though!). I had to process how long it has really been since Lynch was rescued and came up with a figure of about 7 months off the top of my head. Turning around a TV docudrama based on real events so quickly can only be to capitalize on Pfc. Lynch's proverbial fifteen minutes of fame. If they had waited a year, the public might have thought: "Jessica who?" "Saving Jessica Lynch," coupled with "The Elizabeth Smart Story," (you know, the Utah girl abducted by a throwback Mormon), makes me glad I do not depend on TV for my social life.

2. Black Hawk Down: Six more soldiers died as a Blackhawk helicopter was shot down near Tikrit. Couple that with the missing WoMD and the alleged last minute deal making attempt by Baghdad and your bellicose President looks like someone just itching for a fight and not a solution.

3. "Well, we're Anthrax and we take not S**T:" Remember when Anthrax was just a heavy-metal band? Two years ago Anthrax became all the rage when it became the shipment du jour for some sick mind. Anthrax crept back into the news yesterday when 11 DC mail centers were closed down. It was nice to have a short break from the Anthrax and the white powder hoaxes that followed.

4. "I was looking for a job, and then I found a job:" Know anyone looking to hire a marketing professional with experience in developing promotional copy, newsletters, magazine articles, and this fabulous blog? I'm working at it. This week were the outplacement sessions. One outplacement session featured a guy (a fellow searcher) who looked and acted like the guy that Drew Barrymore is engaged to in "The Wedding Singer." You know the guy who didn't get why "Julia Goulia" was funny? Not only did this guy look like Glen Goulia, he acted like him, as well. Scary. The Glen Goulia look-alike didn't return from the lunch break. I think we were all much happier.

5. Confederate Flag Redux: Political debates ought to have instant reply rules, like they do in football. That way, Howard Dean, could reply the many instances of courting the Confederate Flag voters that he was so excoriated for the other night. If I am to understand what Dean was trying to say it is that Democrats need to convince even the White Southern Males that the Bush economic agenda needs its own derogatory brand like "Reaganomics" or "Voo-Doo Economics." Why don't we just call it "Smoke-and-mirror-nomics?" Ahhhh, but then there are signs of recovery... Anyway, this whole Confederate Flag flap reminds me of the one and only time I was in New Orleans. There was some big High School football rally and one of the teams was the Rebels and they were decked out in full Confederate Flag regalia.

|

And lo...a voice cried out from the wilderness

Continuing in Verbal Jazz's long line of trying to interpret and comprehend the various search items that bring you, the reader to this site:

1. Nomar and Mia: Like the flabby Arnold Scwarzenegger, searches for Nomar and Mia have taken on a life of their own. Mostly people want to know if they are having sex, presumably to fantasize about having sex with one or the other or both, I mean if you are into that sort of thing.

2. Verbal Jazz: somebody was actually looking for this site, believe it or not.

3. Gary Coleman playing basketball: Next Shaq rides Empire Maker in next year's Triple Crown.

4. David Souter a virgin: I can just see the documentary now, "The Secret Sex Lives of Supreme Court Justices." We already know about Long John Silver, but the virginity of David Souter would be a revelation. Who wouldn't want to know about the other justices as well?

5. Applebee's restaurant critique: Applebee's isn't really the kind of restaurant one critiques. You know what you are going to get when you get there: passable food that won't exactly knock your socks off. Verbal Jazz once went so far as to critique Applebee's advertising campaign, because, when one actually analyzes "Eatin' good in the neighborhood," one realizes that it is grammatically and factually incorrect, but maybe I am just being picky. Verbal Jazz has no plans to get into restaurant criticism.

6. Nancy Reagan Gary Coleman shirts: Just say whatchoo talkin' 'bout?

7. Yankee flyer telemarketing: It never occurred to me before, but Yankee fans are the equivalent of telemarketers in baseball: ubiquitous, in your face, rude, and unwelcome. Perhaps we could get Congress to ban Yankee fans from talking about their team unless openly invited like they have banned telemarketers.

8. who won who wants to marry our daughter from southbridge ma: Enquiring minds want to know. Verbal Jazz minds frankly do not care. Maybe one of the contestants initiated this search. You would think that the mother-daughter combination (15 minutes of fame go by so fast!) would have at least sent a "Flush Letter" to those who did not make the cut: It could read something like this: "Thank you for your interest in courting my daughter. At this time, we have selected other candidates for possible marriage. We wish you the best of success in your search for a mate."

9. rehnquist jazz: The Chief justice leads a nonet dedicated to discordant harmonies. One can always count on bandleader Rehnquist, Justice Scalia, and Justice Thomas to blow the same simple tune. Sometimes the other band members solo in spite of that tune, sometimes they blow sounds that overpower the trio. Anyway, this analogy has gone too far.

|

Let's make a deal

It appears as though the Bush administration ignored last minute pleas from Saddam and his minions to avoid war. If the reports are true, then there is more proof that the President and his cabal of hawks were seriously hell bent on going to war, diplomacy be damned. The evidence all points to an unwavering decision to throw American soldiers into harm's way, no matter what: no weapons found and no last minute attempt to work out a deal. With the death toll rising and the flyboy hijinks aboard the Abe Lincoln (the banner should have read: We Want the Mission Accomplished") becoming fodder for all kinds of commentary, maybe someone should have told the See No Evil President to be careful what he wishes for.

|

Foot-in-mouth disease strikes again
Perennial moderate turned lefty dove, Howard Dean, is the latest victim of public foot-in-mouth disease. At least this time there are no ramifications involving an ESPN job. Dean's verbal flub involved an urging for Democrats to court Confederate flag-waving southerners, which offended both African-Americans and Southerners. Dean has since apologized for his remarks, realizing shooting from the hip in a Presidential campaign can only carry him so far, and that an appeal to those waving the Confederate flag may turn some of his more liberal supporters toward other candidates. In other words, Dean is GASP! a politician!


The state has decided that only certain propaganda may air

It appears as though CBS has caved in to pressure from the GOP in deciding not to air a four-hour miniseries about the "Reagans." It will, however, air on cable sometime next year. While a miniseries about a former president who is still alive is likely to be riddled with inaccuracies and hyperbole (probably designed to make Reagan both better and worse than he was), there is something mildly disturbing about political pressure to cancel a miniseries. Next thing you know, the Republicans will be seeking to make sure that all political messages coming from the networks are to pass the litmus test of appealing to conservative values. Soon, we will have documentaries of both Bush and Reagan featuring them actually leading troops a la Henry V. Who knows maybe Henry had good PR people to protect his image as well?

|

4 out of 10 dentists recommend a change at the top...

A Marist College poll found that more than 4 out of ten voters, or 44%, to be more precise, say they plan to vote against President Bush next year. Two years ago, the media was going out of its way to promote the illusion that Bush could walk on water, but not apparently on a Segway scooter. 38% of those voters polled do plan to vote for the Bush, leaving a whopping 18% undecided between Bush and an as yet unnamed Democratic contender (smell the fading of Gephardt and Kerry...).

So what does this all mean? Like most polls, the meaning is what you make of it. To a Republican, Bush is only losing to the ideal dream candidate that exists in voters' minds as more people (yes, American troops!) die in Iraq (some mission accomplished there folks). To Democrats it means that Bush is losing ground to whoever the frontrunner is (Dean, Howard). To everyone else, Bush is only down by a touchdown and could mount a fourth-quarter rally (football reference for those uninitiated).

To Verbal Jazz all this means is that there are political pollsters happily employed in their job of polling. Good show!

|

No prime choice Grade A beef for you

This morning, I listened to Dennis Kucinich (the mad vegan elf) championing some well-intentioned yet hopelessly pie-in-the-sky ideas on NPR. Sure, it would be nice to have troops out of Iraq by New Year's Eve, but the next administration (provided Bush doesn't win again in 2004) will have the unenviable task of mopping up that (quick! Don't say quagmire!) "situation" in Iraq. That means truly not leaving Iraq worse off than it was. In the words of Megadeth: "Peace sells...but who's buying."

Anyway, the mad vegan elf would not have even inspired a casual mention were it not for a fellow vegan traveling on Boston's Green Line (they really ought to have barf bags on the Green Line: it's like riding a school bus, in traffic, underground) this morning. I knew she was vegan by all the pins posted on her bag: "Meat is Murder," "Vegan," "There is no excuse for animal abuse," and of course the ultra-liberal Swastika crossed out (not that many in the Boston area are likely to support a Fourth Reich), and peace symbol floating over the American flag.

Now what the Vegan peacenik refused to do was offer her seat to an older woman who could have benefited from having a seat on the lurching train. Not a capital offense, mind you, but said vegan obviously saw the woman lurching about, and being a person who wears their politics, or religion (there is a certain religious fervor to veganism) on their sleeve, should have at least upheld the principal of kindness that she draped over herself like a badge of honor.

This is not to say that Vegan supporters (or any supporters) of Dennis Kucinich (not that the vegan on the train was even a Kucinich supporter), are evil people who rob old ladies of seats on the train. There are plenty of masters of the glance and look away move when it comes to people who need seats on the train. People who support kindness to animals should maybe start with the human, too.

|