Crap That I'm Sick of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

Special Repatriation Edition

1. As the Sox turn: Grady's gone: YAY! Manny's on the block: I didn't see that one coming. And I have to wait until February to really start thinking of baseball again. In Ireland there was a lot of introspection about what I could have done as a fan to ensure their victory in game seven. Did I abandon the rally cap too soon? Was I too focused on my wedding to the lovely Missus? Did I just not believe? I wrestled with these questions and saw rainbows. Hell, I saw the aurora last night. Maybe the Sox loss drove me mad.

2. Job Hunting: Before I got married, my colleagues and I were informed that our contract with the State was being shipped elsewhere and that we would be out of work in a few months. That's right Verbal Jazz is in the job hunt once again: writing cover letters and jumping for my professional voice every time the cell phone rings. Normally, I like to say things like: "What the **** you want?" when I answer the phone. Okay, maybe not, but I can dream. When I was a kid I once answered the phone, "Yeah," because I had seen Crockett answer it that way on "Miami Vice." My mother was not pleased. Caller ID lets you even skip the hello part. I like that.

3. Leaves of leaves: anyone who visits New England likes to pick the idyllic fall season with the spectacle of color associated with the turning of the leaves. There is a darker side to this story: the leaves fall off the trees dead and someone has to clean them up. I have seen leaves before, but I have never seen leaves like there are in my yard. Somehow, I think all of the leaves in my town were dumped there while I was on my honeymoon.

4. Power sanders on cement: All this week, and last week from what I understand, my office has been treated to the mellifluous sound of power sanders smoothing the brick outside our window. Give me the sound of a dentist's drill any day. Please.

5. Just for the heck of it: Iraq casualties: Verbal Jazz read a New Yorker article on SNL head writer Tina Fey the other day and she longed for the days of the Clinton White House because the scandals didn't cause deaths. (Although Clinton did oversee some military actions, including Kosovo). A good, non-dying scandal would be good right about now.

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Welcome Visitors

Regular visitors to this site know that from time to time I like to look at the top search items that lead people to this site and analyze why anyone could possibly think Verbal Jazz was the medium they sought. Most often Verbal jazz is the furthest thing from their minds when they went searching. This list tells me I have to stop writing about sports.

1. Florida Marlins suck: Yet they are World Series Champions. (Verbal Jazz hates, but is resigned to the phrase "World Series." However Verbal Jazz will not use "World Champion" until there is a baseball World Cup. Soccer can crown a World Champion, baseball cannot) Marlins fans know no pain, they just jump on the bandwagon when the team gets hot. However they did beat the Yankees, whose fans feel only entitlement.

2. who thinks nomar and mia hamm are having sex: Anyone think they aren't? Anyone care? Anyone buy them "The Joy of Sex?"

3. chris rix and bed: Anyone want to shag a religion-on-sleeve, handicap parking QB? Anyone

4. pedro martinez black knight holy grail: The connection never dawned on me until now. "I'm not tired, I'll drill the Bambino in the ass, I tell ya!"

5. said doll punk rock Georgia: somebody needs help with their meds before they go typing in Google. I mean what does this mean? It makes no sense to me. I wish I could have helped this troubled soul. Really.

6. jason varitek smoking cigars: Sometimes a cigar is just a phallic symbol. In this case it is just a cigar. The Missus and I once saw Varitek at the airport, two weeks after the original September 11. I was surprised that he is as tall as I am (6'2"). We did not go up to him, even though he is Val's favorite player.

7. chuck taylor leadership qualities: Do those who wear Chucks automatically qualify for office. Screw those classy Bostonian shoes, give me a man in uncomfortable Chuck Taylors any day.

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What was he thinking?

Verbal Jazz is still in the process of sorting out all the news that was fit to miss while on honeymoon. I did learn that Prince William was very upset with his mother's former butler for having loose lips and liking the looks of some sweet royalty payments for delivering the dirt on William's mom. One thing I am shocked to discover upon my return is that one of my favorite football columns, Tuesday Morning Quarterback, will no longer appear on ESPN.com because writer Gregg Easterbrook, decided to single out movie executives (Harvey Weinstein and Michael Eisner) as being both Jewish and Greedy on his New Republic Blog. Smooth, babe. Verbal Jazz normally likes to excoriate people who say and do stupid things (already Rush is planning to say that drugs influenced his opinion of Donovan McNabb, I know it). Verbal Jazz has no problem with blasting movie executives because, frankly, most movies are pure crap. Verbal Jazz also has no problems with pure crap. Verbal Jazz would like to point out, however, that Easterbrook did make a fundamental error in judgment by singling out Jewish movie executives as specifically Jewish and specifically greedy. That is a verbal pratfall that simply cannot be explained.

As much as I disagreed with Limbaugh's assessment of the media conspiracy regarding African-American quarterbacks, it is an issue that once brought to the forefront should have at least been debated, with cooler heads proving Limbaugh to be grossly misinformed. In fact, Limbaugh's gig should have been up do to his addictive substance problem, not general idiocy. General idiocy is a reason for not hiring someone in the first place. Easterbrook, likewise should have been allowed to continue with his excellent football column, seeing as the offending blog is still in existence after apologies by both the Easterbrook and The New Republic. Since when has ESPN become the arbiter of political correctness?

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Mr. Schwarzenegger goes to Washington

Now Californians get to see the actual difference between the movies and real life, as Governor Elect Arnold, goes to Washington to seek more aid in putting out the California Wildfires (so intense the news even reached Ireland, where Verbal Jazz honeymooned last week!). In the movie, Arnie would strap on the firefighting gear himself and either a.) rally the firefighting team to victory, or b.) put the fires out all by himself all while defeating some random villain who wants to increase power and control.

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The return of Verbal Jazz

Verbal Jazz is back after completely wedding nuptials and honeymooning in Ireland. Believe it or not, but they actually speak English there. Here is a special honeymoon edition of Crap That I'm Sick of...

1. Driving: Driving on the left is one thing, it is just a matter of getting everything backward. In fact, I was so backward that every time the Missus said, "Left" I thought "Right" and vice versa. Seriously. The worst things about driving in Ireland are the deathtrap roads when you get out to the sticks and the insanely aggressive drivers that tailgate you and pass (on the right) into oncoming traffic. Driving in Ireland is not for the faint of heart.

2. No news: The Missus and I had to wait until we got back home to hear that the Marlins had won the World Series. I also just found out today that pre-eminent glass house stone thrower, Rush Limbaugh, is taking a stint in rehab (Please note that Verbal Jazz will refrain from laughing at Limbaugh's plight, addiction is a complicated mess. Verbal Jazz would just like to note the irony here). Mostly, we were inundated with overblown paeans to the Concorde aircraft and some new controversial steroid, in addition to football (soccer style), rugby and cricket.

3. Smoky pubs: Thankfully it is easier to breathe in Boston pubs. The smoke gets so thick that you feel dirty afterward. Seriously, that level of cigarette smoke is like rolling around in a lot of dirt that you put into your lungs. Although the dirt is cleaner.

4. Guiness-ification: Every souvenir shop had a large proportion of Guiness (the stout, not the world record book) paraphernalia: key rings, slippers, hats, t-shirts, rugby shirts, candles, bar sets, bar towels, boxer shorts, thongs. Too bad I pissed out all the Guiness I drank (which was actually not very much, wine goes much better with good food and honeymoons).

5. Tourist traps: visiting the Poulnabrone Dolmen elicited a shout of, "That's it!?" Very similar to Plymouth rock, actually. The Cliffs of Moher were overrun with tourists. The best thing the Missus and I actually saw was quite accidental. After taking a wrong turn in Connemara we were on our way back when we saw the most gorgeous rainbow. We had already seen a couple that day, but this was spectacular. There was no one else out there with the exception of the truckers on these small roads.

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Crap That I'm Sick of....

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

Special Wedding/Baseball Playoff edition

I am scheduled to be saying those magic words "I do" sometime after 4PM today. Verbal Jazz will be on hiatus until October 28, 2003, at which point I will refuse to write about baseball until I do.

1. Drama. Rest assured, that there will be lots of drama surrounding a wedding, mostly from people making your day more about themselves than about you. Trust me.

2. Petey starts the eighth...and keeps pitching. Part of me thinks Grady Little was actually trying to lose this game because the word from management is that the Red Sox "Curse" is better from a marketing standpoint, kind of like how people still remember the Alamo. Think about it, would there be any Alamo memories if the massacre had gone the other way? If the Sox win the ALCS against the Yankees, then there is no more Curse and the Sox become just another baseball team. With the curse they are the classic underdogs. Really, any idiot could have seen that Pedro had lost gas in the seventh. Why was he allowed to pitch the eighth and keep on pitching.

3. Fox Announcers: I don't know that I would have the energy to watch the World Series this year. I watch every year, but I couldn't watch this year. Thankfully, I will be away. Thankfully. That said, those Fox announcers are terrible. I know I bang the drum for this, but really. They stink, they really do. It is a relief to not care about the Series and have to listen to them.

4. Cowboy Up: I took to saying this phrase with an ironic wink in my eye because, as we say in the Northeast, it's "wicked re-tah-did." The only cowboys in Boston are those that put their chaps on to rustle up partners for the evening. What did they do in Game 7, cowboy sideways? Are we going to have to listen to pop music masquerading as country next year?

5. Consolation prize/Silver Lining: The line to me has been: "At least you won't have to suffer with the Sox in the Series since you will be away on your honeymoon." Look, I would gladly switch my honeymoon to a two week tour of Baghdad, Tikrit and Kabul just to know the Sox won the series.

6. The mad rush in the few days before the wedding. AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!

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It's in the Wrigley Field Ivy

The semi-regular roundup of search items that bring you, the reader, to the friendly confines of Verbal Jazz

* Red Sox quotes: Hopefully this will be the end of that insipid Cowboy Up routine. If they had won the Series the Cowboy hat would be obligatory next year.

* Mark Prior fiancée: Mark and Nomar and I could have a triple wedding. Val and I had been hoping to have a double wedding with Ben and J-LO, but Bennifer blew that out of the water. C'mon, Mark and Nomar, we'll make room for ya this afternoon and we can all cry together.

* Tim McCarver sucks: No argument here.

* Florida Marlins Suck: Where's the suffering? Where? I now have a World Series with no one to root for. Marlins fans are spoiled. Spoiled I tell you.

* Who thinks Nomar and Mia Hamm are having sex: dude, if you are that concerned about Nomar and Mia having sex, you need to get a life. Seriously.

* Nomar Garciaparra ocd: Poor Nomar, he had a terrible postseason and everyone is still ragging on his OCD. Go on, Nomar, get married and have sex. I wonder if Nomar tightens the condom like he does his batting gloves?

* Homosexual stamp manufacturers: Huh?

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Grady Little should be fired

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Crap that I'm sick of...

Because there's crap...then there is crap that I'm sick of

This week's list:

1. Cardiac cowboys: The Boston Red Sox, bless their shaved heads and over-reliance on the phrase "Cowboy Up!" sure know how to torture their fans. The series with Oakland, in which they lost the first two and then came back to win three straight, was a roller coaster ride in a gyroscope. Now they have a 1-1 tie with the Yankees. This is causing more stress than my wedding (October 18. Send gifts, lots of them).

2. Unemployment statistics: Found out this week that my job will be ending later this year. In the world of sunny un-ironic people (who most likely are not reading this), that means that I have to follow my heart to the next opportunity. In the world of ironists, such as myself, that just means we have to look for the next opportunity. I won't be thanking the lord anytime soon for my layoff, though. Opportunities are always out there, whether one looks for them or not.

3. Midnight runs to the airport: Picked up most of the wedding party last night at the airport around midnight. This is the third or fourth time I have had to go to the airport at a crazy time in the past two months. It's bizarre because normally the airport is crazy impossible to get around. At that time of night it is a breeze. But that doesn't mean I'm going to operate an airport shuttle service anytime soon.

4. Fox Sports baseball announcers: Not to disparage Trot Nixon's (RF- Red Sox) wife, but running a 3:50:00 marathon three years ago does not qualify her as the "best athlete in the family" as Steve Lyons would have it. Four hours is an average marathon. Mind you, I am not dissing the accomplishment of running the Marathon (I am training for one and would be happy to break four hours, trust me), but at to attempt such banal conversation at a critical moment of the game si just plain poor.; Lyons consistently makes Tim McCarver look good, that's how bad Lyons is.

5. Verbal Jazz hiatus: Yes, folks, I will be posting inconsistently, or not at all, over the next couple of weeks while I and the SO (soon to be wife) prep for our wedding and honeymoon (welcome respite from all the crazy people trying to ruin your wedding). I may pop in to write once in a while next week, but after the 18th, don't look for Verbal Jazz to be updated until the end of the month.

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Calling all bleeding hearts out there

Allow me to be serious for a moment. Please take a moment to visit my Marathon training Blog, otherwise known as The Battle of Marathon, as I try to raise money to combat A-T, Ataxia-Telegienctasia: no longer confused with the Appalachian Trail.

The Battle of Marathon will be a lighthearted look at Marathon training, as well as meditations on why I am running. I hope you enjoy.

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May I assist you in finding something?

One of the running items in Verbal Jazz is the bizarre search items that lead people to this oasis of intellectual freedom. Recent weeks have been dominated by various permutations of "Flabby Arnold Schwarzenegger" which we will kindly retire to the Verbal Jazz Search Engine Hall of Fame (VJSEHOF), along with "Reasons to go to War With Iraq," which preceded the Verbal Jazz blog format.

That said here are the search items that amuse only me (aside from "flabby governator"):

1. Groper Arnold pics: was someone looking for photos of California's governor elect, brought to you by recall, actually engaged in the act of groping? What? We can't take their word for it? Obviously serial groping is a great way to get elected: it shows you've got hormones. Politics is all about not taking "NO" for an answer (see Bush, George and UN relations)

2. Inspirational Red Sox quotes: "Cowboy Up!" doesn't work for everybody, obviously. It doesn't work for me either. My S.O. (soon to be wife), does not like it when the Sox players talk about having faith in the lord and giving them the ability to a) hit a baseball real far, b) strike batters out, c) play heads up baseball. Look, it's great to be a talented athlete, but the lord has got bigger fish to fry (the Marlins, maybe?) than micromanaging a team trying to shrug off a curse (of the Bambino) that was invented by a blowhard sportswriter (who has no presence for TV at all, trust me). Anyway, Verbal Jazz has thought about god-given sports ability and can attest to the fact that athletic accomplishment can often feel like something else is taking over your body, even as I run my mediocre miles in preparation for a marathon. That said, if believing in the lord helps you catch the baseball, so be it as long as you keep winning the ball games.

3. Baseball fiancees: are "Mark Prior and fiance" really an item? If he does, are they and "Nomar and Mia" planning the same wedding date? Maybe if the Cubs and Sox make the Series, they will each have an on-field ceremony: one at Wrigley, one at Fenway, in order to boost Fox's World Series ratings. Guys, it would be for the good of the game, trust me.

4. "Florida Marlins suck quotes:" Well, obviously they don't, but their fans are the worst kind of fair-weather atrocities to ever go to a football game to see a baseball game break out.

5. Here comes Enron: People, please leave "Jeff Skilling wife daughter" out of this. It's like picking on Chelsea Clinton because her parents were trying to put together a Universal Health Care package. For shame.

6. "Nancy Reagan Diff'rent Strokes Onion:" Just say no to onion breath emanating from old sitcoms?

7. "Gambling is bad except when its investing 'rick neuheisel:" I'll let you figure that one out. Gotta see how my Enron stock did against the spread in its game against LSU.

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Ashcroft is behind this, I know it

While watching Game 1 of the ALCS between the Red Sox and the Yankees, pompous, insufferable blowhard announcer Tim McCarver prattled on about how an early season (first game) shoulder injury has reduced the mobility of Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter. "He can't get to balls because that shoulder is still bothering him," sayeth the great Yankee apologist.

"Stop making excuses for him!" I shouted at my TV.

"That's not an excuse, that's a fact," the great blowhard said not two seconds later.

There are a few logical explanations for this. Verbal Jazz is not so crazy as to believe the Tim McCarver, bad orange dye-job and all, is plugged in to my mental wavelength and communicating with me via the TV. Here are my explanations:

1. It's a conspiracy. Attorney General John Ashcroft is a former Governor and Senator from the State of Missouri. Tim McCarver played for the St. Louis (MO) Cardinals (having the good fortune of being able to make a career of being a teammate of Bob Gibson). My house is being bugged by the "Department of Vengeance (Is Mine)" and relayed to McCarver in the booth.

2. Maybe some intelligent individual working in the Fox control booth told Timmy that he sounds like a Derek Jeter apologist.

3. McCarver was tuned in to the Yankee hatin' going on throughout the country. But gosh-darn that Timmy sure loves Joe Torre a whole bunch, and with good reason, Torre is a class act. In fact, Torre has so much class that you have to be aware that he is the devil. No one could have that much poise after losing a game. Torre's mission is to soften Red Sox fans into thinking he is a great guy, and thus spreading Yankee love. Not gonna happen, Torre, we are on to your evil plan.

4. McCarver was getting fed up with someone intelligent in the booth. Seattle Mariners Second Baseman Brett Boone managed to keep McCarver in check all night. After McCarver questioned the Sox bringing a relief pitcher (Mike Timlin) in to a situation in which the Yankees would put a better hitter up (Ruben Sierra), Boone politely told McCarver and the rest of the nation, that the Sierra could only hit a one run homer with no one on base and the situation called for bringing in Timlin to start the inning. Way to go, Brett.

5. My TV really is in dialogue with me. This seems the most plausible.

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Feelin' California

Verbal Jazz has a few friends who have left the cold winters of the New England region for the
warmer climes of California. All I have to say to them today is "Ha-Ha!" in my best Nelson
voice (Nelson is the bully on "The Simpsons"). Arnold's serial groping is really not much of an
issue with me, I figure if the personal peccadilloes of one William Clinton were no one's
business then the unwanted advances of the newly minted Austrian Governor were best left to
his Kennedy clan wife to sort out.

Verbal Jazz is ready to hatch a conspiracy theory that goes something like this: the "Governator"
actually becomes a disincentive for migration to California. In other words, the powers that be
saw to it that Arnold won in order to reduce the population. I do not for a moment actually
believe this, but it is nice to harbor conspiracy theories, they are good for the soul.

Now California will have a governor that no one can truly take seriously, is a Republican that
drives conservatives crazy with his wacky, socially liberal views, and will give press conferences
that are almost as unlistenable as the President.

Thankfully, we will no longer have to endure those circus analogies.

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More Post Playoff Prognostications

Verbal Jazz has correctly predicted that the Red Sox would beat the A's last night and move on to the American League Championship Series against the New York Yankees (the personification of pure evil). We also correctly predicted, in hindsight, that the A's would be sore losers, as well as actual losers and that the Fox broadcast team would completely suck. Certainly Steve Lyons is not Tim McCarver bad, but, man, is Lyons a complete ignoramus: during a tense, late-inning at bat for Sox right fielder Trot Nixon, Lyons chose to comment on the Boston Marathon that Nixon's wife finished THREE YEARS AGO! Also, during the final Cubs/Braves game, Fox had so many gratuitous Kerry Wood wife shots (i.e. the praying spouse of the aforementioned Wood, a pitcher for the Cubs), that I was prompted to look for the gratuitous Kerry Wood Wife Shot during the Red Sox/A's game. Instead we were treated to a bunch of drunken lunkheads at a bar across the street from Fenway Park (the game was played in Oakland). My favorite drunken lunkhead moment came during a particularly tense moment for the Sox: the crowd at Jillian's (the bar) was subdued until they realized they were on TV! Then they perked right up.

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Making a more manageable field

Bob Graham has decided not to seek the Democratic nomination. I know what you are saying, "Who’s Bob Graham?" Graham is the guy who spared us a Presidential campaign kickoff announcement after months of campaigning (see: Edwards, John; Kerry, John, Mosely Braun, Carol). He also whittled the Democratic field from 10 to 9, thus giving voters an even better handle on who they will vote for in the primaries. In keeping with my baseball prognostications, Verbal Jazz will predict the Democratic Presidential nominee, after the nomination is a given. Verbal Jazz will go out on a limb and say that Bob Graham, a man who dared to utter the word "impeachment" in order to jump start a listless campaign, will not be the nominee.

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More post-mortem prognostications

Verbal jazz correctly predicted that the following would happen: all after the fact:

* Red Sox v. A's would go five games due to the late inning heroics of Trot Nixon and David Ortiz. We’ll find out who we correctly predicted to win tonight's game.

* The Yankees (PURE EVIL!) would beat the Twins.

* The Marlins and Cubs would be play for the National League Championship

* Arnold Schwarzenegger would grope lots of women.

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Crap that I'm Sick Of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of...

1. And they can't find Nessie, either: US weapons inspectors need more time to find the weapons of mass destruction (WoMD) that were part of the case for going to war against Iraq. They have found evidence of a weapons program, but so far there is no evidence of the actual weapons, but there is evidence of the hope for weapons. Maybe the White House can turn the desire for weapons into a weapons program.

2. The object is to win the playoff games with pitching and defense: the Red Sox are down two games to none in their best of five playoff series thanks to, among other things a lack of pitching and defense. Pedro Martinez throws 130 pitches Wednesday night and has nothing to show for it other than a sore arm and brass cojones that are being placed on the back burner until Game 5 of the series, by which time Sox fans may have been put out of our misery.

3. If you think the media pumped up that "black" QB, I've got an escaped gorilla on a Metco bus to show you: While the nation still debates whether Rush Limbaugh is racist or a conspiracy theorist media critic or both, Boston area sports radio host, John Dennis, has been suspended for comparing an escaped gorilla to a Metco student. For two whole days (shocking! I know) Dennis will have to sit and think very hard about his insensitive comments. For those who may not know: Metco students are those voluntarily bussed from urban areas in Boston to suburban schools. In other words, Dennis was trying to make a funny, if one can consider the comparison of African-Americans to gorillas funny, but who am I to judge the sense of humor of the ignorant? What these episodes really prove is that we still have a way to go in race relations. Dennis will return to the airwaves and Limbaugh will return to the cocoon of his radio show and unchallenged viewpoints.

4. I am just trying to tell if those breasts are ripe: Just in time for the California Recall Election the LA Times reports that Arnold Schwarzeneggeris a serial groper with very little respect for women, but, hey, California, this is your next governor. Republicans are up in arms about the double standard: "What about Teddy Kennedy?" they cry. "What about Bill Clinton?" they moan. The real issue should be: what about Arnold's lack of political experience, I mean, even down to the level of voting?

5. Oooohhh, I'm telling...:Now, is giving away secrets (oh, such as the fact that the wife of a political rival, who called you out for not telling the truth about a little tiny thing like WoMD mentioned in item #1, is a CIA operative, thereby blowing her cover) any way to earn the trust of the American people?

6. BONUS: Wedding Drama: The people that the S.O. and I surround ourselves with are certifiable. Let's leave it at that.

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Where is the dialogue?

It's official: Rush Limbaugh is a quitter who cannot effectively stand up for his own boneheaded views. Under pressure from the "liberal" media, and no doubt ESPN, Rush resigned from his gig on Sunday NFL Countdown, after making comments that essentially stated that the same media had elevated the status of Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb because he happens to be African-American.

Without an audience of yes-persons (yes, I use persons because that is the sort of politically correct terminology that would drive Rush and his "dittoheads" mad), Rush looks like a blustering fool. In other words he cannot hold his own in a debate unless he controls the available information. When factors that Rush chooses to ignore are thrown in (such as the many terrible African-American QBs that have been in the NFL, or that McNabb may actually be a good player), Rush, at least on Countdown, tends to lose.

The circumstances surrounding his resignation do tell us that the nation is not ready to have a serious discussion on the role of race, which means that there is still racism. Verbal Jazz maintains, and this will probably shock many left-leaning people, that contrary opinions need to be welcomed in order to move forward and erode racism in this country. In other words: we need mental lightweight conspiracy theorists like Rush Limbaugh to show us how far we still need to come and silencing those voices because their opinion is untenable is effectively controlling the debate and fueling the anger, the racism and, yes, the conspiracy theories.

On another note: kudos to Donovan McNabb for his absolute class in dealing with this situation.

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The New England Nostradamus

I realize that with my rant on the baseball playoffs yesterday, I neglected to give my predictions as to the winners of the actual series. With 3 of the first round game ones out of the way, it may be a bit late to do this, but here goes:

Verbal Jazz makes no predictions on playoff games until each series has reached its conclusion, and then, with remarkable detail and accuracy, we can provide the details of each game as well as a final series outcome.

Using this method has proved perfectly successful thus far in playoff prognostication. For instance, I predict that the Giants, Twins, and Cubs will win Game one of their Division Series.

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Consensus: Still a "Big Fat Idiot"

The shock! The Horror! Rush Limbaugh is a race-baiting clown! Who knew? In his capacity as a "football analyst" for ESPN (read: ratings boost), Limbaugh suggested that Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb is overrated because "The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well." This is the kind of statement that makes Limbaugh's idiot fan base (ie people who believe everything they hear that they happen to agree with) say "F**kin'-A, right! McNabb sucks! He only gets praise because he's black!" It is also the kind of statement meant to inspire the "liberal" media to say, "No, we are not racist, Limbaugh is wrong!" thereby generating more publicity for Limbaugh, ensuring his continued high ratings, and putting the world of sports journalism on the defensive.

But looking at this from a sports fan perspective, the media never fully embraced the painfully bad Shaun King when he was leading the Buccaneers, and the media certainly likes to pile it on Bears QB Kordell Stewart (gifted athlete, terrible QB). Verbal Jazz will not go into the specifics of McNabb's performance as of late (the day of the comment saw McNabb played well), but it seems as though every prognostication that Rush makes is way off base. Perhaps he should be forced to share a booth with perennial baseball blowhard Tim McCarver: the wacky-ass opinions would fly faster than the Concorde, lulling the viewers/listeners into submission. The NFL has come far past the point where skin color was the measure of a QB's media image.

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Taking a leak

Scandal in Washington! This is what everyone lives for! Heaped upon the missing WMD (Verbal Jazz actually prefers WoMD, pronounced "wom-dee"), is now the revelation that the identity of CIA operative, Valerie Plame, has been revealed, ostensibly to punish the operative's husband, Ambassador Joseph C. Wilson IV (usually by the fourth movie the concept has grown thin, don't you think?) for having the absolute gall to question the Nigerian "yellowcake" (now made by Duncan Hines!) story in the New York Times. Got that?

Verbal Jazz makes no assumption of motive on the part of the leaker(s), so we have come up with an alternate list of reasons for spreading this information:

1.Perhaps the leaker(s) just likes to spread gossip. Verbal Jazz knows many people who like to spread gossip.

2. Maybe it is a cry for help on the part of the leaker(s). There are many people who do not get the help they need.

3. Maybe Robert Novak, the columnist to whom this information was revealed, made it up and simply guessed right by following the clues along the way, much like a contemporary Jessica Fletcher of "Murder, She Wrote." (The S.O. of Verbal Jazz loves that show, she will appreciate the reference, I hope).

4.Maybe the leaker(s) were drugged before talking to Novak. But who drugged them? Verbal Jazz would guess that it might be Lincoln's Ghost, and only Scooby-Doo and the rest of the gang could actually figure out who is wearing the Lincoln's Ghost costume.

To make matters more conflicted in their interest; the Department of Vengeance (formerly known as The Justice Department) is conducting a full investigation. Vigilante in Chief (formerly: Attorney General) John Ashcroft, who heads up the Dept. of Vengeance, owes his cozy position to the very Administration that he intends to investigate. This will lead to one of two possible conclusions: the Dept. of Vengeance will find nothing or the Dept. of Vengeance will find a scapegoat who will take the fall, go to trial (that is the order under the Dept. of Vengeance), and then will be a Rah-rah patriotic radio talk show host (think: Ollie North), or keep getting government positions with creepy names and even creepier missions (think: Admiral Poindexter).

All in all, the leaker(s) is guilty of treason, should that not be grounds for an independent investigation?

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