Baseball playoffs for the non-baseball fan

Frequent readers of Verbal Jazz will note that I am not a casual baseball fan. As much as we seek moderation when discussing politics or popular culture, there really is only one team for the Jazz to follow: the Boston Red Sox. Normally, you see playoff predictions based on such impractical things like: probability of winning. "Screw that!" we say. Verbal Jazz will rank teams based on who we would like to see win and why, there will be no arcane breakdowns of how the Wild Card works or what teams need to do to win, just the gut reaction of Verbal Jazz:

1. Boston Red Sox: Need you ask? The Curse of the Bambino is a flimsy excuse for a team that has had some great moments, but no title since 1918. The current roster doesn't care about no stinking curse. Bring back the Babe and let Petey (Pedro Martinez) drill him in the ass. C'mon! Is that all you got? This team doesn't know the meaning of quit. Honor the legacy of the frozen number 9, drown the ghosts of 1986, 1975, 1967 and 1946. Bring on the dominance of the Monster Seats and put that silly Curse to bed!

2. San Francisco Giants: They play in a (new) old school park in old school unis. Unlike some of the recently built houses of baseball worship, Pac Bell was privately funded. The Giants do not need to bilk the taxpayers, they have got Barry Bonds (who will not see a good pitch to hit in the postseason), and they have to get the Rally Monkey from last year off their back.

3. Chicago Cubs: Wrigley Field is the only Major League ballpark I have been to aside from Fenway. The Cubs won that game (in 2001) 2-1. The Cubs got some pitching in Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Matt Clement and Carlos Zambrano. That is the kind of pitching that makes postseason play that much more exciting. They say chicks dig the long ball, but give baseball fans the strikeout and the pitchers hitting their spots and another pure Church of Baseball. Oooh, yeah!

4. Oakland Athletics: I played on a Little League team that sported the Yellow and Green of the A's. My elementary school (St. Edward School in Brockton, MA) also sported the same colors. I like them together. I like teams that sport those colors. I've even forgiven the Green Bay Packers for beating the Patriots in Super Bowl Porn + 1 (XXXI). It's a visceral thing: the A's have great unis. Also, they were built with a small budget by a Machiavellian genius. It's not about the money, it's about the winning, just don't beat the 'Sox.

5. Florida Marlins: Can you really trust any team that wears aqua as one of its primary colors? Not only that, their fans suck! And their (football stadium masquerading as a baseball) stadium sucks. They got mojo working for them, though. Left for dead in the spring they fired their manager and brought in Jack McKeon who is 72 years old, prompting as many age jokes as 29-year-old Red Sox GM, Theo Epstein (also spawning many "Epstein's mother" jokes). Plus, they have Dontrelle and that crazy windup.

6. Minnesota Twins: Last year, you sort of rooted for them because they were plucky, had a low budget, and a cheap owner. I hate them this year because of the Twins fan in my fantasy baseball league who is almost as annoying as any Yankee fan I have ever met. Plus, the Baggy Dome (the Huber H. Humphrey Metrodome) is one of the worst venues in sports: it is loud and visiting outfielders lose the ball too easily. Baseball was not meant to be played on Astroturf. It is an abomination.

7. Atlanta Braves: They have won their division every year since 1991 (strike year, 1994, does not count), and I won't bother the explain how they started in the NL West and are now in the NL East and an NL Central has popped up in between. I won't. Sportswriters frequently wonder why no one gets excited about this team and why they have very little fan support despite their commitment to winning. Got two words for you: Skip Caray. For some reason the folks at TBS have hired the least inspiring group of baseball announcers you could possibly find. Led by Skip (son of legendary Cubs announcer Harry Caray), who sounds like a cross between Kermit the Frog and your high school math teacher, the Braves announcers could make any exciting team seem dull. I mean, this is an exciting team, but they are dull. Very dull. Plus there is that Tomahawk Chop which is so 1991.

8. New York Yankees: If you need to know, then maybe you should not be here. I am a Red Sox fan. The Yankees winning the World Series designed to crush our spirit and our morale. I'm not rational about this subject, I do not care how good they are, or how likeable, or that they work for one of the worst bosses in the world (Steinbrenner, George). They are the Yankees. I have a Grandmother who is a Yankees fan, even though she grew up in Eastern Massachusetts. My S.O. is a Red Sox fan, but loves Mariano Rivera (I ask the gods, "WHY?"). I had a roommate, for two years, who is a Yankees fan. Two excruciating years of Yankees winning the World Series and listening to how they are the best franchise in baseball, blah, blah, blah, and their winning tradition, blah, blah, blah. Yankee fans have been conditioned to not appreciate the game because all they do is win. That is why Yankee fans are the worst in baseball. If they stopped winning for the next thirty years, the Stadium would be a ghost town.

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But Jesus saved this space for me

Thanks to Charlie Pierce, analyst for "Only a Game" on NPR, Verbal Jazz has stumbled upon another blustering religious hypocrite: Chris Rix, quarterback for Florida State University Seminoles. Rix's particular crime against humanity is the ego driven, above-it-all decision to park his car, with an unauthorized handicap placard, very close to his classes. Rix's website is a mishmash of hokey inspirational quotes, as well as a homage to "his lord and savior Jesus Christ." If you visit the page, you must take special note of the signature, it is a rare unironic gem. Verbal Jazz feels that people should be able to profess (but not enforce upon others) their faith in a higher power, but something tells me the J-man would hardly approve of a pompous ass, who can throw a football and stands a good chance of making a decent salary in the NFL, taking a space reserved for someone who has the misfortune to lack the mobility to walk much less the physical prowess of a conditioned athlete.

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Crap that I'm sick of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

This week's list:

1. Recall the recall of the recall: There are fifty states, and this silly-ass recall election gets all the press because it seems like a satire of the political process sans script (well, with the exception of Arnold Schwarzenegger who seems, for the first time in his acting career, to be able to find the emotional nuances of the written word.)

2. Flogging the First Amendment: Two judges have ruled that the "Do Not Call" registry is invalid. The latest one contends that it violates First Amendment principles. So does would that then mean those on the receiving end of a telemarketing call may no longer hang up, because the telemarketer has a right to be heard? I am not a lawyer, don't play one on the tv or the Internet, but this seems like rather shaky legal ground, where the corporate right to "speech" is protected but the right to privacy is not. If you want to sell me something, I suggest you pony up for a targeted ad in a newspaper or on tv.

3. Bullying the UN as acceptable foreign policy. Next time we need to address the suddenly relevant UN, can we send someone that actually understands the nuances of diplomacy, i.e. showing some respect to the people one is addressing? Clearly, the current administration is showing very little respect toward the American people anyway, by waiting until after the war and after the request for eighty-seven billion copies of George Washington's picture, yet well before the 2004 election, when the voters minds will be focused on the twin towers of the Economy, vaguely defined as an attempt to saddle a slumping job market on a sitting POTUS (Democrats) and the War on Terror, vaguely defined as an attempt to be at war for ever and always (Republicans).

4. Segway: the gyroscope powered Segway scooters have been recalled because the POTUS fell flat on his face on one recently. (In the interest of bipartisanship, does anyone remember Dukakis in the tank? Or Bush in the flight suit? What about Quayle (or is it Quail?) spelling P-O-T-A-T-O-E?). The scooters are being recalled because people actually do fall from them when the battery is low. This begs the question: where the hell do you ride these things? Bike paths are already cluttered with imbeciles on roller blades (Verbal Jazz has particular disdain for roller bladders), streets are for bikes and cars, and, well five thousand bucks could get you a used car without the geek chic of the Segway scooter.

5. Curse of the Bambino. The Red Sox are in the playoffs. They have a highly potent offense and a questionable pitching staff. They could win, they could lose, buut let us get one thing clear, there is no curse of the Bambino, that was just a clever marketing ploy invented by a local woe-is-me sports columnist who cannot seem to go two weeks without finding something to complain about on a team that always seems to be in contention. Go Sox. Manny for MVP.

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Can I help you find something, sir

The semi-regular chronicling of unusual search items that land the unsuspecting and the unwilling to the pages of Verbal Jazz.

1. Take off that spare tire, Mr. Terminator: Once again the California Recall election seems to be dominated by folks who just want to see a photo of a flabby Arnold Schwarzenegger. Verbal Jazz has no such photo and was not able to find one. In fact, Verbal Jazz will no longer waste the energy to look for a flabby Schwarzenegger photo, even if people are looking for "Schwarzenegger with his shirt off flabby."

2. "Isabel Hurricane picture Snopes:" Aside from being syntactically challenged (Hurricane Isabel not the other way around), why this person did not just go to Snopes.com is beyond me. Anyway, the pics of Dizzy Izzy are mere fabrications. Speaking of dizzy, I once had a Physics teacher in High School known as "Dizzy Mizzy with the Clip-on Tie." The Mizzy part comes from his last name. It's such a let down when the hurricane is gone. I miss it so.

3. "Christians for Wesley Clark:" In 1980 it was: "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" 1992: "It's the economy, stupid." 1988 saw Mike Dukakis in a tank. 2000: Chad was hung out to dry. 2004: "Who would Jesus vote for?" Sure to be the raging political debate of the 2004 campaign season. Let me tell ya, the ones that are really contemplating that are voting to re-elect the Creationist, Science Denier in the White House.

4. "albert einstein's brainremovedtruthrumor:" Funny thing is, when you type this into Google, nothing comes back. Maybe it was one time thing or maybe it really was: "albert einstein's brain removed truth rumor:"

5. "support gary coleman/governor of California:" What self-respecting child of the eighties wouldn't?

6. "LeBron James' Yearly salary:" He's a huge talent, I'm happy for him and wish him all the best with the Cavaliers. He will make more money in a day than I make in a year. Hell, if I could play basketball, I would do it too. Boo yeah!

7. "Paula Albertson:" Who? This was just a name I made up for a satire.

8. "Wiffle Ball Court:" I'm game. Anyone want to play?

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Do not call us, and we will not call you

The House today, in one of its biggest acts of clarity in recent memory, approved legislation backing the "Do Not Call" registry. A judge ruled yesterday to overturn the "Do Not Call" registry arguing that the FCC had gone too far in protecting the privacy of the American people.

Verbal Jazz is having quite a hard time trying to figure where the judge was coming from with his ruling in support of the invasive telemarketing industry, the only reasonable argument being that people will lose jobs. I will take the cruel route with this one: if you are qualified to be asking for Mr. Or Mrs. Schmoe in order to tell them about a product they do not want or need, especially when they had already registered with a national registry that says, "Do not call me because you will get no business from me," making the whole point of your calling them busy work anyway (and what company wants to pay for busy work?), then you are qualified to make business-to-business calls to drum up new interest in whatever your new company has to offer.

So, was this judge being bought off by the industry, or trying to endear himself to the Bush administration in acting as though the right to privacy does not exist?

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Recall back on: please cease clown/circus metaphors

Verbal Jazz has it on good authority that the decision to overturn the delay of the California Recall Election was due to a unanimous desire to not lengthen the campaign by five months and get the whole thing over with. In LA-LA land this means canceling the series before it has worn out its welcome.

Meanwhile Darrell Issa is still crying about the muscle man (Arnold) who stole his girl (the Recall).

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Turning tragedy into cynicism

Coincidence? Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney has appointed a commission to look into reinstating the death penalty just as Federal prosecutors seek the death penalty against already convicted killer and child molester Charles Jaynes.

For those who may not be familiar with the story, in 1997 Jaynes and a cohort abducted 10-year-old Jeffrey Curley, raped and murdered him, and then left his body in a trash barrel filled with lime. Not exactly the kind of guy you want living your neighborhood, or having access to your neighborhood, as was the case in this case. Then governor, now Ambassador to Canada, Paul Cellucci sought to reinstate the death penalty then, with full support of the Curley family. Then the Curleys felt as though they were used by pro-death penalty advocates and no longer support capital punishment. Got that?

Why would the Ashcroft brigade seek to revisit this case? The Curleys have already been through all of this once before. To use the tragic death of this boy as fodder for reinstating the death penalty, especially when it is against the family's wishes and has already seen the killers tried and convicted, is the worst kind of cynicism from the Department of Vengeance, whose mission seems to be instituting a single national rule of law?

Leave the Curleys alone and let Jeffrey rest in peace!

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No longer confused with an environmental porn movie

The Greenbush Commuter Rail project (in Massachusetts) is a go-ahead. It will link the South Shore to Boston.

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Satire
Clinton announces candidacy

On the heels of Democratic Presidential candidate Carol Moseley Braun (and John Kerry and John Edwards) declaring her candidacy after months of campaigning, former President Bill Clinton officially declared his candidacy for the 1992 Presidential Election. Citing a weakened economy, Clinton declared that, as President, he could make a difference for the American people and predicted that he would oversee the "greatest period of growth in our nation's history."

Political analysts were abuzz with the news of Clinton's candidacy. "This throws a whole new wrinkle into the 1992 election," said George Stephanopolous. "The man served as president for eight years, but you have to wonder if he could win the 1992 election throwing his hat into the ring so late."

Rush Limbaugh described the Clinton candidacy as a "subversion of our democracy," on his radio show this morning. "This is purely an attempt to erase the memories of Monica from the mind of the American people."

So far, the people seem to care very little about Clinton's 1992 campaign, one respondent wondered about the implications of time travel, while another chided the interviewer to "focus on the future, man. Clinton is in the past, get over it."

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Subway tryouts for American Idol

On my way back to the office, with my pre-marital blood test results in hand and reading about "The Dark Art of Interrogation" in this month's Atlantic Monthly (one does have to wonder about the mental makeup of those who practice coercion for a living), I was treated to the less than dulcet tones of a woman in her early twenties singing along with whatever was playing on her headphones. As far as I can tell it went something like this:

I cried
[Something] a suicide
Angels deserve to die

The volume of this warbling alternated: think cat in heat, yet confused about its sexual orientation so not quite so sure of how it should sound. I thought maybe that the pretentious Atlantic Monthly reader across the aisle on the subway car prompted her to make a spectacle of herself (the black and white clown style socks helped, as well). Not that I frequently make people want to make fools of themselves, but there are people out there who try to attract attention through ridiculous behavior on subway cars, with full knowledge that the average-looking guy reading the Atlantic Monthly is trying his best to ignore you, although I was trying to stifle some laughter.

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Crap that I'm sick of...

Because there's crap...then there is crap that I'm sick of

This week's list

1. Wesley Clark: Democratic Savior: Before Clark made the decision to run, there were many of the Democratic persuasion who thought that General Clark has the best chance to beat Bush in 2004. Really, what it comes down to is playing intellectual tongue hockey with a candidate who has a military record. Granted, Wes was out leading troops in Kosovo, while President Bush left a ship out at sea for a few hours just for a photo-op, but you know you have lost faith in a party when you hinge your hopes for winning the election on a wait-and-see general hoping to take advantage of a dramatically split vote.

2. Isabel: We're getting the remnants of this latest "storm of the century" here in Boston: some wind gusts and periodic rain and the very real likelihood that the classic rock stations are playing hurricane themed music, a practice that has all the subtlety ofan early Van Halen album. If we didn't know it was a hurricane we would be none the wiser. There is a savage beauty to watching satellite images of hurricanes develop and move in their path. It is amazing how much square mileage is taken up by one storm.

3. Wedding planning: The S.O. and I hit the wall this week with wedding planning. What we have come to realize, without getting into specifics, is that there are many people who will turn your big day into some kind of drama. In other words, it is about everyone else. We can't wait for the honeymoon. And, no, jilted guests for the Affleck-Lo wedding are not invited, but their gifts are more than welcome.

4. Will they or won't they? An appeals court is considering moving the California Recall election back to October 7. Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is leaning toward backing Arnold. Vituperative comic, Mallard Fillmore, is accusing Cruz Bustamante of ties to a racist Latino organization, based on a Fox News (News in name only) report. Verbal Jazz, since we do not vote in California, formally endorses no one in the race. However, we are still for the idea of an office lottery pool tossing its hat into the ring.

5. Drugs, in a vague, non-specified kind of way: Last night the S.O. and I were watching our favorite comedy, 7th Heaven (it is on Monday nights, but we taped it), a show about the travails of a minister and his family. The cognitive dissonance of this show, with adherence to moral themes while featuring a (mostly) photogenic cast and approving of sexual situations for only married couples (quick! Let's marry them off so we can make sure this girl gets lucky!), really makes this worth watching in an ironic, I don't buy this bullshit kind of way. Monday's show featured teenager Simon brooding in a dark Harry-Potter-in-the-latest-book, Hamlet kind of way about his tragic rundown of a fellow teenager on prom night. It turns out the kid (i.e. the dead one) was whacked out on "drugs" in a vague, non-specified kind of way. Verbal Jazz would like to note that while addiction is a terrible thing, TV shows that focus on "drugs" skirt the problems by massing all drugs into one generic category. Thus when their target audience is faced with "drugs" (as in brand specific ones like marijuana, heroin, cocaine, Oxy-Contin), they will realize the inherent dishonesty of a message targeted at "drugs." Maybe in book six Harry will try "drugs."

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A bad merger by any other name

AOL Time Warner plans to drop the AOL from the name. AOL is basically getting its karmic smackdown for sending all those mailings with plastic CDs offering 600 free hours (for the first month only, while capturing your credit card information so you would at least be charged for one month's worth of services which AOL banked could be turned into many months worth of service because you, yes you, America, were too lazy or stupid (in the mind of AOL) to research a new provider, that is until your cable company dangled the carrot of high-speed connections and no need to tie up your phone line and one convenient bill. Can't swallow that AOL, can you!) knowing full well that a month may have up to only 744 hours (and if you are not sleeping 144 hours in a 31 day month, then, pal you need to see your doctor about insomnia). The long and short of it is that, like the Albatross to the Ancient Mariner, AOL seemed like a great prize to Time-Warner, then it became the reminder of all their mistakes. Thank god (strictly speaking the non-denominational creator who more than likely doesn't give a shit about this at all) for digital cable.

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No, Virginia, there is no link between Saddam Claus and al-Qaeda

Satire
Today, President George W. Bush informed the public that there is no link between Saddam Hussein and the 9/11 terrorist attacks. In keeping with that theme he also broke the hearts of four-year-olds across the land when he said that there is no Santa Claus. "Sorry, kids," the president said, "but we all have to come to terms with the fact that some of our deepest held beliefs may not be true."

When asked why he did not come public with this information while building the case for war, the president said, "At that time the American people were coming together to unite against a brutal enemy, telling them that there is no Santa Claus could have affected national security and made us more prone to terror."

Commentary
One has to wonder about the information level of the American public when the President has to make such a statement of fact due to a widely, and erroneously, held public belief. All along there has been no evidence linking Saddam to the attacks, but the cynical White House War Machine (with new, color coded Department of Homeland Security) let some 70% of the people believe that most of the hijackers were Iraqi. Maybe, when we are children believing in Santa Claus, we are conditioned to believe what we want to be true. In this universe, Saddam and Osama as "terrorists" fight on the same side (because all terrorists are on the same side, regardless of their beliefs) much as the Yankees and the Devil Rays are on the same team simply because they play baseball and try to beat the Red Sox. It always comes back to the Red Sox (lost 7-0 to those same D-Rays).

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Mommy, look what we found

Once again, we look at the random search items that unite the accidental readers of Verbal Jazz. Occasionally we turn up some gems:

1. Flabby Arnold Schwarzenegger: In keeping with a theme, there have been many variations of this search: "flabby +Arnold schwarzenegger;" "schwarzenegger flabby;" "Schwarzenegger flabby picture;" "Arnold Schwarzenegger flabby;" "photo flabby schwarzenegger;" and "photo of a flabby schwarzenegger." Needless to say, Verbal Jazz has no desire to run a photo of Arnold, much less a flabby one. What can a candidate for governor of California not be a bit flabby? What gives people; hasn't this man suffered enough humiliation of his own doing without you having to resort to diminishing his body image? Oh, and he may be enduring a longer campaign than he thought...can he hold out until March?

2. Boston Globe Springsteen Fenway picture: Obviously there would be some rights issues were I to be running a photo of the Springsteen shows at Fenway Park, much less Globe photos. That said, I keep trying to convince the Significant Other that we need to name our first kid Fenway. Fenway Vallancourt, that has a nice ring to it.

3. Southbridge ma who wants to marry my daughter: Hopefully we will never have to hear of these people again.

4. Fallwell Franken Rivera: Quick name three comedians, two of them unintentionally so.

5. Morality wind farm: is this where they get a bunch of Bible thumpin' Christians together for lots of bean eatin' and fartin'. Perhaps Fallwell is, in some way, involved. I bet Fallwell likes his own brand. Then who doesn't like their own brand? See Verbal Jazz is not afraid to go scatological once in a while.

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And the Red sox won the '86 World Series, too

Verbal Jazz just learned of report of a tape that Saddam Hussein made calling a US defeat inevitable. Whether or not one agrees with the war, this Saddam makes the Bush administration look like a bunch of sober-eyed realists. This guy is kind of like the Black Knight from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" who calls getting his arms lopped off a "flesh wound." Something tells me, that until the last cockroach is still crawling, there will always be a tape of Saddam claiming victory.

Please note that the last paragraph was shot completely from the hip, out of my ass, off the cuff, whichever analogy best suits your mood. I may not have the Monty Python reference down cold, and I certainly do not know whether there are cockroaches in Iraq. In fact the only thing I do know is that the tape "claims" to be from Saddam, for all we know it could be Rich Little trying to get a little extra work. Has anyone seen Rich Little lately? Where did he go? Maybe he is studying the democratic 10 (a Decalogue, each could take a position on a commandment: "General Clark, have you coveted your neighbor's wife?") in hopes of returning to impressionistic triumph in 2004.

Rich Little was kind of a hero growing up. If you ask anyone who knows me personally, they will tell you I can do all sorts of voices. Really. It's a gift and a curse.

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Enter the DH

The news that retired General Wesley Clark is going to run for president, means that the Democratic nine now get a DH (that's designated hitter for those who may not follow baseball: essentially a DH hits for the pitcher, but only in the American League, roughly 46.7% of the teams. A DH, while hitting for the pitcher is usually a prolific slugger who is terrible in the field, but, hey chicks dig the long ball). Howard Dean, the power slugger in this lineup, apparently courted General Clark as a potential Vice Presidential candidate, but alas, Gen. Clark having no desire to be a bench warmer, decided to light out on his own.

Now here is the Verbal Jazz rundown of the candidates and their potential to be playing mental gymnastics with the acting President come 2004:

Clark, Wesley: Unlike pop music, politicians don't need street cred, they need mil cred (military credentials), especially with the "War on Terror" (as successful as the War on Drugs?). Clark, with actual mil cred, as opposed to the feigned bluster masking itself as mil cred of our current "leader," could actually make the president wish Dean won. Although the Republican attack machine could make Wes look like a conscientious objector who attends hempfests and longs to explore homosexuality.

Dean, Howard: Stickin' it to the man! Dean has been the Democrats answer to John McCain telling it like it is. Has he peaked too early? Will the wide eyed pacifists that embrace him be stunned to find out he is a, GASP! Moderate? Will the Democrats learn to embrace a firebrand like Dean? Who knows, they may have to think about it and do a case study and release a paper on the electability of Dean in 2004. The paper will be ready sometime in the Fall of 2007.

Edwards, John: Announced his campaign today. Wicked exciting. I don't know how true this is, but I heard he had to bone up on his policy skills last year. Thanks for doing the homework, but can't much trust the knowledge base, can we. At least, whatshisname doesn't pretend to do the homework, he just gets a speech and makes "head-bobbin'-dramatic-face."

Gephardt, Richard, or Dick: Howdy doody references aside where are this man's eyebrows? Anyone? Anyone? Great policies and well thought out ideas, but he suffers from Al Gore syndrome: he thinks the ideas will compensate for character. Plus he likes to overuse phrases such as "The Democrat Plan" in response to the speech Bush gave his first speech as President that was not the State of the Union, because a President newly inaugurated cannot feign knowledge of the actual State of the Union or something like that. "The Democrat plan..." Yeah, we got it.

Graham, Bob: 10:32 PM ? no snide comments about the OCD notebook. 10:32:30 ? okay maybe one or two snide comments. Give it up, Bob and go fold the sock drawer or something. Then journal it along with the moment when you had a clear vision of yourself not debating Bush this year.


Kerry, John: Anyone remember Droopy the dog from the old Woody Woodpecker cartoons? Kerry's got his eyes and hang dog expression. I keep telling people that, assuming Droopy were to win the nomination, a Kerry/McCain ticket in November 2004 would make Bush start a new war just to drum up more support.

Kucinich, Dennis: Let's get this straight, dude, you're a vegan? America, embracer of the Atkins diet, because it allows you to eat red meat under the auspices of losing weight, is not ready for a vegan president. Isn't that kind of like a cult or something?

Lieberman, Joe: ZZZZZZZZZ, huh, was he saying something? He went along with the Republicans again, didn't he? Given his performance in Veep debates against the walking cardiac case known as Dick Cheney, we could assume that Lieberman would allow Bush to control the debates, and possibly give him notes.

Mosely-Braun, Carol: First female African-American Senator. That's pretty cool, but it won?t buy an opportunity to name a vice presidential nominee.

Sharpton, Al: It's hard to take this candidate seriously. Really.

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No (Title) IX Lives

If a soccer league fails (in the US) does it make a sound? The WUSA, the women's soccer league, decided to close down after realizing it was not financially viable. In other words, no one in the US wants to watch soccer, much less women's soccer, unless, of course it is a World Cup women's soccer game and Brandi Chastain gives us a glimpse of her jog bra. Before we go labeling Verbal Jazz a sexist, that is not what I say, but rather what the "marketplace" says. After all, sports are ruled by the marketplace.

Unlike the WNBA the WUSA was not blessed with a benevolent benefactor to keep the league running until it had reached its tipping point and boys and girls were arguing whether to watch Nomar or Mia (Nomar Garciaparra of the Boston Red Sox and Mia Hamm of the now defunct Washington Freedom are engaged). I'm a baseball nut, I'll take Nomar, and so would my Significant Other. For now I will take my soccer once every four years when I watch the World Cup.

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Election mayhem

Now that a Federal appeals court has delayed the Recall Election, I wonder if there is time left to file. The Recall election (now on hold due to potential voter irregularities (hanging, pregnant and dimpled chads, anyone?)), and the upcoming Democratic primary are clearly signs that elections need to be handled differently. We need candidates who run as a group, much like a lottery office pool: the term just gets divided among the winners. That way governor/president #4 can deflect a bad policy as the work of governor/president #2, and even veto legislation proposed by governor/president #3.

I've been pitching this idea around my office and no one is biting yet.

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Crap that I'm sick of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

This week's list

1. September 11 fatigue: When a friend of mine calls a weather service phone number and gets a message about honoring the victims of September 11 before finding out that it is going to be sunny and in the 70s, well you know it's gone too far. Not to say that there shouldn't be memorials and memories, but we have got to stop milking as much as we can out of it before the memories dissolve into caricature.

2. Bennifer: A colleague of mine asked today, who really cares about them? I jumped out of my chair and rabidly exclaimed: "What? Is there some news on Ben and J-Lo?" She understood that I was being facetious: would the media that obsesses over them understand that?

3. Dyin' celebrities: Johnny Cash and John Ritter on the same day. I'll give my props to the "Man in Black" first. The first song I ever sang Karaoke style was "Ring of Fire." His version of Nine Inch Nails' hurt is better than the original. And he dressed all in black. How badass was he?

John Ritter was on a highly popular sitcom with only one sit: straight man pretending to be gay lives with two women; for some reason the roommates always seem to mishear or make assumptions that leads to greater chaos. Watching "Three's Company" today is painful, truly painful, but for some reason John Ritter's performance as Jack Tripper was admirable: he was always working. That, and he was great as J.D.'s dad in "Scrubs," the best comedy on TV.

4. Clergy sex abuse: Archbishop O'Malley has managed to negotiate a settlement with the victims; there is speculation that Father Geoghan was abused by prison guards (figures); do any other religions generate this much press? Where Cardinal Law sought to protect himself and his own misguided actions with regard to the pedophile priests, O'Malley has reached a settlement in record time.

5. Donna Harris Lewis (widow of former Boston Celtic Reggie Lewis): She is 0-2 in her attempts at suing her deceased husband's doctor. She is now attempting to go 0-3. Nobody has ever come down from 0-3 to win a best of seven series.

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No mention of that here

I seem to have forgotten something today. I can't remember what it is. I managed to bring both my shoes and a pair of pants to work. Hell, I remembered to go to work. The Red Sox won (Verbal Jazz knows he is an insufferable Red Sox fan) and some guy named bin Laden has seemed to age like a fading Hollywood star, since his picture last appeared in the paper (assuming that is the real bin Laden, not some out of work actor taking any gig he can get). So, welcome to annual media milking year 2, perhaps the best day to stay away from the TV or radio as fewer voices urge us to "Never Forget."

Perhaps the President will push through legislation next year making today a Holiday, and getting rid of that pesky Labor Day (what did working people ever do for us, anyway?). Pushing to make it Holiday would effectively serve to shift the national debate from economy/Iraq/civil liberties to another with us/for us debate just in time for election 2004, and if it goes through we would have another good day to sleep in and fire up the barbecue and, oh yeah, memorialize. [Note of caution: the previous paragraph was pure imaginative speculation, not hard news fact.]

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Mommy, what is copyright protection infringement?

The music industry has decided to go after file swappers once and for all. Now parents of file swapping teenagers are getting slapped with subpoenas, suddenly making the dreaded note from the principal's office seems benign by comparison. Next teenagers will be faced with the prospect of a note from the Attorney General’s Office on suspicions of terrorism for the anti-capitalist stance of daring to share music. Way to gain fans. Should charge libraries a royalty for letting patrons borrow books?

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So much for a colorblind society

As if trying to keep up with the Homeland Security color scheme weren't hard enough, there is an AP report that states that the airlines and the government are working toward assigning airline passengers a color code based on such things as perceived security risk, travel companions and when flight was purchased. The new plan would at least work like a regular traffic light, green for go, yellow for caution, and red for military tribunal. The plan does not address those green and red arrows, or whether those turning left should yield when the light is green, but there is no arrow. You follow?

Homeland Security seems to be caught up in a never-ending Rainbow Coalition of Roy G. Biv color schemes. If this were a Democratic White House, you can be sure that the rabid right would be blaming some secret homosexual agenda (because of the rainbow theme), as opposed to submitting to it in lock step because something has got to be done about those terrorists, including suspecting that every airline passenger is a criminal. Soon formerly convicted criminals (with the exception of those with a DUI conviction, unless that conviction runs concurrent with a drug test that found traces of illegal substances, because drinking, by God is American) will not be allowed to fly: only decent, law abiding Americans.

How much longer is it to take the train?

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We're in it now

I saw a flyer posted on a mailbox this morning that said something along the lines of "US: Out of Iraq Now." Like the proverbial flaming bag of poo on the doorstep, we can't just run away from Iraq now that we have toppled their government. Rummy and Wolfy, in their militaristic ADD probably can't wait to get their hands on the next target and leave the (what happened to irrelevant?) UN to fill in the details of Iraq's next government (Now: WMD "Program" free!). The hard-core liberal argument breaks down where leaving Iraq is concerned: yeah, we were lied to about the WMDs and the cost of the operation and the imminent security risk posed by the Baathists (under Saddam), but like a child who has emptied the toy box, we have to clean up the mess we made or else the security risk will continue to grow. That's what we call accountability, even if it comes with an $87 BILLION, or possibly higher, price tag.

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That sure is a mighty big number

Verbal Jazz will admit up front to not watching the Bush speech last night. My Significant Other can't stand listening to him and hates it when I yell at the TV, although she does the same. Looking at the Pres' mug, one can't help but wonder if he would not be the perfectly cast lead in a comedy about the presidency ("The Worst Wing" being too obvious a title). Face it, conservative or not, every image of Bush trying to exhibit gravitas takes on the air of some scripted joke. Who knew that last night's speech would be a kickoff to a new Congressional Capital Campaign to raise, oh, about $87 BILLION for the war on terror? A new approach for congress would be to commit the President to actually raising the funds from all his buddies that have received such sweet tax breaks, instead of plugging them for campaign contributions.

That said, we have done some number crunching to see what $87 BILLION might get you in the real world:

* 9.67 BILLION movie passes (based on $9 tickets in Boston). Wouldn't Hollywood love to see those kind of gate receipts?

* 1.74 BILLION tickets to see a baseball game (assuming $50 seats)

* 48.6 BILLION venti coffees at Starbucks. I'm not talking Lattes, mochachinos or anything else that needs the special attention of the barista. Just straight coffee baby!

* 159 MILLION one year, full price, subscriptions to the New York Times. Be sure to make sure the facts are facts, though.

* 3,480 baseball players could earn Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodrioguez's salary ($25 MILLION) for one year. With every team stocked with 25 players on their roster, the full major legue roster on any given day, except September, is 750 players. Thus every player could earn A-Rod's salary for 4.64 years.

* 2.9 MILLION Ford Explorers. Complete with rollovers.

* One year of prescription drugs for the average senior citizen. (Okay, that is a joke)

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Where were ya born?

While the Yankees hosted the Red Sox, Springsteen played Fenway Park. Before the Sox-Yankees game on Saturday, Fox showed video of Red Sox player Kevin Millar lip-synching to "Born in the U.S.A." Not to pick on Millar (actually the clip captures Millar's infectiously fun personality), but it suddenly occurred to me that "Born in the U.S.A." is one of the most greatly misunderstood songs ever written. It is about a Vietnam veteran fitting back into life in America, yet all anyone ever seems to hear is the chorus "Born in the U.S.A." as though it were the National Anthem for the Rock & Roll era. Maybe we shoudl take a nationwide vote on the National Anthem in butterfly ballot form, no less, every four years. We could choose between:

1. "Born in the U.S.A."

2. The old one, you know,with bombs and rockets

3. "God (however you define it) Bless America"

4. "Pink Houses" John Cougar Mellencamp (another misunderstood song with a chorus that says "Ain't that America," ironically)

5. That detestable Toby Keith song

To pick more on Fox sports, their opening montage before the Sox-Yankees game was truly awful: a cover version of Don Henley's "Boys of Summer" played over game images with meaningful posed shots of various Red Sox and Yankees players.

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Oh, yeah!

Verbal Jazz is suffering from the affliction known as the "Woulda-coulda-shoulda-saids." While riding my bicycle home from the choo-choo train station (or Commuter Rail, to those in the know) some numbnut, who doubtless would be driving drunk later this evening, pulled up next to me at a stop sign and said: "Why don't you stay out of the road?" Then promptly pulled away before I could have the chance to commit battery.

My response was sort of the knee-jerk, I-can't-believe-I-have-to-put-up-with-morons-like-this variety: "Because it's the law, f**k ass!"

Normally, Verbal Jazz uses epithets like f**k ass, only when upset or when dumbing down. Obviously, this situation called for both. Here is a list of things I "Woulda-coulda-shoulda-said:"

1. Why haven't you yet passed the bar?

2. Because I like to annoy morons who don’t know the rules of the road.

3. I forgot you had no manners.

4. Why haven't you yet solved the mystery of pi?

5. Because, as I understand it, a bicycle fits the definition of vehicle.

6. I, like you, am too stupid to know better.

7. The Red Sox have not won the World Series since 1918

8. I was rushing home to see if the Bush administration released a Friday evening press release rolling back some important piece of environmental legislation

9. I'm testing my preparedness in case terrorists manage to cut us off from the gas supply

10. Because I am better than you, or had no one told you.

11. God told me to, you don't question that, do you?

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Crap that I'm sick of...

Because there's crap...then there's crap that I'm sick of

This week's list:

1. Ronald McDonald needs to open a gym. Another McDonald's lawsuit was thrown out today on the basis that McDonald's never tried to convince anyone that their food is part of a balanced meal. Maybe McDonald's could avoid further lawsuits of this kind by putting a treadmill and a rowing machine by the cash register. Every 100 calories of food gets you ten free minutes on either machine. Seriously, though, in the world of ridiculous lawsuits, this one gets a special prize. If one is overweight, how can one chain of restaurants be fingered as the culprit?

2. It's not weapons that kill people, but the idea of the idea of weapons that kill people. John Bolton, undersecretary of state for arms control, essentially declared that we didn't go to war over WMD, but over the idea that there might be a program and that whether or not Iraq had weapons "isn't really the issue." Huh? In the weeks leading up to the war, one (who believes everything they hear) would have thought that Iraq had a significant and deadly WMD program and was an imminent security risk.

3. That Madonna kissin', midriff barin', NFL preseason singin' political anti-pundit: Britney was in this blog yesterday, but I am still sick of her, even after she was part of the NFL opening show. Even if I didn't watch the NFL pre-game show (Rush Limbaugh?). Even if I am glad the Jets lost. Something tells me that Britney isn't a fan of any particular team, she thinks it's important to support the winner.

4. Judicial lightning rods. Miguel Estrada walked away from a federal appeals court nomination since it appeared that the Democrats (we vote for the Republican agenda, then pretend we didn’t) continued to filibuster against said nomination. Republicans, of course, see this as racism (Clarence Thomas redux) and inherently unfair, while Democrats just wanted to ask him some questions and see his record as pertains to legal issues and certain Hispanic groups think he Is the wrong kind of Hispanic, just as Clarence Thomas was the wrong kind of African-American. So tell me again why Bush opposes Affirmative Action, but is happy using, then having his party faithful cry foul? The judiciary is no place to carry out our dialogue concerning race: it should simply be about whether the jurist in question will apply the law.

5. We could have diamonds and call them rocks: The Boston sports media is a constant stream of negativity surrounding the Boston Red Sox. This, of course feeds into and feeds off of the local fan base who consider every season that the Sox do not win the World Series a failure. Look, Sox fans are fortunate to have a consistently good team, a beautiful ballpark in which that team plays, and there is almost always a reason to watch. So, Manny's actions are a bit questionable, appreciate this team; give them some love.

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I have, like, foreign policy experience

I always thought it was too easy to pick on Britney Spears. I mean, hey, she has her fans and in twenty years she'll be the answer to a series of trivial pursuit questions while living in a comfortable retirement; there is nothing wrong with that. Then I found out she is a premier political pundit of the "hear-no-evil, see-no-evil, speak-no-evil" variety, according to this Drudge Report transcript of an interview with CNN's Tucker Carlson. In case you missed it, Britney advocates keeping yourself ill informed about current events while just blindly supporting the President. Was it really so long ago that celebrities (pick one: Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Dixie Chicks, Sean Penn, Ed Begley Jr., R.E.M, etc.) were being admonished for daring to GASP! have an opinion about the war in Iraq that essentially amounted to: we shouldn't go? Britney is the perfect choice for Secretary of State (since Powell is apparently stepping down to a lifetime soliloquy of: "My God, what have I done?") should Bush actually win the next election: she possesses the same intellectual acumen as the Commander-in-Chief.

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Verbal Jazz is still independently owned, for now...

A Federal court has ordered a stay on the relaxed media ownership rules, passed by the FCC, with virtually no public input, earlier this year. That means that Fox cannot yet buy more TV stations, thus virtually controlling the media output. Quite simply, media conglomeration, is a weakening of the First Amendment right to Freedom of Speech. Sure you can argue all you want about free markets, but the last time I checked, people were to be afforded more freedom than markets and corporations. If Fox is the only "fair and balanced" source of news, then Bill O'Reilly becomes a moderate and the flow of information is effectively controlled.

Once the rules are relaxed, Verbal Jazz will be bought out by a media conglomerate (or media Borg, if you will) and you will slowly notice that:

1. Media conglomeration is a good thing because free market forces have created a voice that people want to hear (as opposed to the voice that bought the means of bringing its views to the public).

2. The Bush administration does no wrong.

3. Anyone with a remotely liberal worldview is a no-good, terrorist supporting, America hating, treasonous, scandalous lout who probably has some deviant sexual practices that need to be investigated by Justice Department.
4. Security is more important than civil liberties.

5. The Ten Commandments belong in Federal Buildings.

6. Bill Clinton should go to jail for bearing false witness (Commandment # 8) about adultery (Commandment # 6) while George W. did not necessarily break Commandment #8 in order to commit troops to break commandment #5 (while said troops also had commandment #5 broken unto them).

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We don't need no stinking UN! On second thought...

After nearly a year of thumbing his nose at the UN, President Bush is now seeking the UN's help in peacekeeping and nation building. The UN will most likely step in because that is their duty, but the UN should be kind enough to remind us that this mess was created by our own elected "leaders." Those same leaders, who cavalierly decided upon the unilateral (we're going in but come along for the ride if you want) approach are now effectively running back to the UN as the situation in Iraq, and the Middle East in general, gets out of control. An out of control situation leads to anarchy, chaos and breeds terrorism? Who knew? The minor combat is worse than the major, but remember minor chords are often darker sounding.

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Substance? We want photo-ops!

Apparently California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger does not like to debate, or at least wants a cheat sheet in advance. Arnold is only participating in one debate, in which the participants get the questions in advance. He is skipping a debate this week in order to give a speech. Maybe Arnie should join a debate club and throw his hat into an actual election instead of the free-for-all, governor-by-default nonsense that is currently gripping the Golden State. Better yet, Arnold's campaign committee could come up with a plan for photo-op debates. The analysis would go something like this:

Talking head #1: Gee, Bustamante looks like he is forcing himself to smile as he holds that little baby.

Talking Head #2: Schwarzenegger looks like a natural as he shakes hands with that mayor from that obscure town.

Talking Head #1: Ueberroth has been working hard to promote that he was once the Commissioner of Baseball. Look at him talking with Barry Bonds, no doubt offering batting tips.

Talking Head #2: Arianna just has that pampered princess look about her. I think Arnold clearly wins this debate.

Talking Head #1: Clearly, I can't wait to see the candidates in their military photos. Arnold should win that one, also.

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And the Tampa Bay Buccaneers announce their plan to play football this year

John Kerry made his presidential candidacy official today, which would lead one to wonder if all that campaigning he has been doing was more or less a preseason warm-up. The local NPR affiliate had a story on the Kerry candidacy that seems to be stuck in reverse while Dr. Howard Dean surges ahead in the polls.

Kerry announced his candidacy in South Carolina of all places. Nothing against South Carolina, well, except for the Confederate Flag Flap, but, John, where is the love for your home state? Massachusetts is tainted by the Liberal image, but, hey, we have Republican governor...and a Mormon, no less.

Anyway, this past year has been a disappointing one for our junior Senator: he's played the Iraq flip-flop, pass the blame, hot potato game quicker than anyone. On one hand he did not want to be seen as unpatriotic, then he did not want to be seen as supporting the mess in Iraq. Given the way Republicans like to dispatch of war heroes (see: Chambliss, Saxby; McCain, John; Daschle, Tom; and eventually Powell, Colin) Kerry's testing of the wind seems okay.

Now Kerry has to play catch up to Dean while another (Wesley Clark) mulls his decision to run. If Clark does run, it will be interesting to see how the GW Bush attack machine portrays him as a leftist pinko commie with an unusual affection for Che Guevara and Chairman Mao.

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Seek and ye shall find

Verbal Jazz continues to be amused by the various search items that bring people to the site, most likely to not find what was expected. Here is a roundup of recent search terms:

1. What kind of shirt has the alligator logo on it: See, I'm not the only one pining for the glory days of the Izod polo shirt with the alligator logo. Still, men, do a gut check before wearing any polo style shirt whatsoever, your man-boobs will thank you.

2. kobe bryant gary coleman t-shirts: One is running for Governor of California on the Nostalgia ticket. The other has been accused of rape. Tell me now why the same person would be looking to sport their t-shirt?

3. Al Franken: Fox, and Bill O'Reilly, are still wiping the collective egg off of their faces over this one.

4. democratic party polo shirt: Why? Man-boob issue aside, why would anyone want a Democratic party polo shirt? The polo shirt is so Republican and in such bad taste. Is this really a sign that the D-ticket has lost touch with its core constituency?

5. schwarzenegger +flabby +photo: Verbal Jazz has no dirt on Arnold Schwarzenegger other than he is really a poor candidate for the office of governor. For a flabby photo of Arnold, Photoshop Arnie's head onto the body of Tony Siragusa.

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The lost weekend

Verbal Jazz spent this past weekend not paying much attention to the news and the Red Sox. Both of these are cardinal sins as far as I am concerned, however we were hosting houseguests who blew into town to attend my bride-to-be's wedding shower.

The whole wedding shower thing seems to be an odd tradition. I was not allowed to go, but my lovely fiance received many wonderful gifts, only to receive many more at the wedding, which is in mid-October.

I was stuck at home doing man-duty with my future father-in-law, who installed some light fixtures in our ever-changing kitchen. Basically, I held stuff and handed him tools, and made wise cracks. I would have to say I am not very handy around the house, although I have been known to mow a mean lawn.

Now that the houseguests are gone, I can get back to paying attention to the news, which included listening to the President attempt to wax poetic and inspirational when discussing labor.

Quotidian Labor Day moment #1

Speaking of labor, Verbal Jazz managed to overhear a conversation on the commuter train this morning about people who actually labor (i.e. contractors). One woman explained to another woman that there are certain people who think that those who work with their hands are Neanderthals, or something to that effect. You'll have to forgive me; I was half asleep while this conversation went on. Verbal Jazz does come from a blue-collar background, and would encourage you to go hug a contractor, even if you do not particularly the knee jerk patriotism that some may exhibit. Seriously, though, without people who can build, run wires, or install plumbing, where would we be?

Quotidian Labor Day moment #2

One of the weekend houseguests was telling us that her college held classes on Labor Day because education was not labor. It may be labor for the teachers, though.

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