Who'da Thunk?

Today's Boston Herald has an unusually thoughtful piece on the state of the music industry. For those of you that do not know the Boston newspapers, the Herald is prone to knee-jerk conservatism in an easy-to-read tabloid format. They also have perhaps the most negative sports columnist in the city (trust Verbal Jazz that it is not worth the price of admission), and that's saying quite a bit with the guy over at the Globe who prattles on and on about the "Curse of the Bambino."

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Satire
Bush looking to ban same animal marriages

WASHINGTON, DC - White House lawyers are currently working to draft legislation that would not only ban same-sex marriage, but would also block same animal marriage. The President asserted that a marriage between two dogs would "weaken the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman."

PETA quickly issued a press release taking umbrage with the President’s remarks: "PETA finds the President’s remarks on the subject to be a tasteless violation of the rights of animals as every dog, cat, horse, cow, chicken, sheep, and salamander should be afforded the right to marry should they so desire."

Senator Rick Santrorum (R-PA), famous for linking homosexuality and bestiality recently, applauded the President’s initiative. "This will send a message that by allowing animals to engage in sexual activity, we open the door to deviant practices which destroy the American family."

The President also stated his opposition to doing it "Doggie Style" but thought the Supreme Court may overrule legislation banning the practice. No dogs were available for comment.

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Maybe this'll make forget those darn weapons...

In what has to be his most pure red-herring mode, President Bush said today that "government lawyers are working on legislation that would define marriage as a union between a man and a woman." Maybe I am not paying attention, but have we in the US ever defined it as anything but? Have we gone from the pre-emptive strikes to pre-emptive legislation? Maybe W. will go down (oops! that references an "unnatural sexual act!) as the pre-emptive President.

This conservative fixation on bringing outdated morality to the people via legislation smacks of "big government." Verbal Jazz maintains that if one is opposed to homosexuality then one must avoid homosexual acts and keep from trying to enact silly legislation.

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More proof that politicians will serve their own interests...

Senator Kennedy opposes the Cape Wind project, presumably because the wind farm would be in full view of the Kennedy compound in Hyannis. Now if that wind farm were in, say Revere Beach, our beloved Senator may not have much of a problem...

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What does one expect when one goes around telling other people how to live?

Is there really a rising tideof anti-Catholic bigotry? One might remind Mr. Jenkins that this so-called "bigotry" is a reaction to the overt bigotry and prejudice taint the Church: just ask the Pope how he feels about gay marriage. Verbal Jazz maintains that such "bigotry" is, at best, absurd.

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Mastering the obvious

Thus spake the President, "The former regime is gone and will not be coming back." The deaths of Qusay and Uday (apparently Saddam believed in using pig-Latin to generate names) will probably provide a much needed blip to the pres's approval ratings (nothing like a little death to make you popular), but the continued deaths of American Armed Forces still beg the question: where are the Weapons of Mass Destruction?

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Please define foreigner

Joe Conason of Salon uncovered this gem from Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz: "I think all foreigners should stop interfering with the internal affairs of Iraq."

Maybe the Iraqis are foreigners in their own country because they are not American? Maybe we can get Pat Buchanan to propose an Iraqi border crossing that would keep out Mexicans?

Whatever it is, Wolfie is a new member of the Society for Elliptical Reasoning.

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Maybe they would have known where to find the weapons?

Uday and Qusay are apparently dead, but not officially so. Taken alive they could have answered so many questions:

Where are those dang weapons?
Was that yellowcake uranium intelligence "darn good?"
Was Saddam a tender and thoughtful man woefully misunderstood?

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And she was wearing a highly suggestive uniform, to boot

Kobe Bryant must be innocent because his accuser recently OD'd. Given that this "evidence" may very well be inadmissable in a courtroom, these allegations take the level of blaming the victim to new heights. A bankable athlete stands accused of sexually abusing a depressed 19-year-old with a potential history of drug abuse. Makes for an easy case in the media, apparently. Then again, the criminal justice system hardly ever gets anything wrong, right? Why don't we just commit ourelves to trial by media?

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Marketing Ideas

Nigerian Yellow Cake:

Cake comes with "proof" that cake was sold to "Irak" [sic] along with CIA authorization. As in real life, however, the box is empty and no evidence exists that it had been sold.

...and we were going to have that for dessert!

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Give me some information on...

One of the more interesting aspects of maintaining a website is being able to view the search engine results. In other words: how did a visitor get here? This week the top five are:

1. Divination Psychic
2. Hilary Clinton +Iraq
3. image virgin mary milton state hospital
4. milton ma virgin image
5. milton hospital visions

If I had to guess, most of those people probably did not get what they came here for. Verbal Jazz has yet to see any credible link between Hillary Clinton (note my misspelling of Hillary with one "L") and Iraq; the visitor was probably looking for a link from Senator Clinton to al-Qaeda, by way of Iraq. Anyone looking for information on the Milton Hospital vision would be sorely dissappointed by the sarcastic skepticism that Verbal Jazz visited on them. Finally, last time Verbal Jazz checked, we had given up the attempt to be psychic after never having won the lottery.

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When an inspector is not an inspector

After reading this strange item in which Our Fair President claims that Hussein did not let weapons inspectors into Iraq, could we conclude that Hans Blix and Co. were:

*Tourists in the Sean Penn entourage?
*Trainees in the UN Weapons Inspection Program?
*Figments of the collective media imagination?
*Contestants in "Survivor: Iraq?"
*Not officially contracted as inspectors therefore, even though they may be inspecting, they are not inspectors?
*Weapon Intuitors?

It all depends on what the meaning of inspector is. Perhaps the CIA was pressured by a White House official to claim that Blix was not an inspector.

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Satire

Tenet to take blame for all inaccuracies

WASHINGTON, DC -- Less than a week after accepting responsibility for the false claims that Nigeria had sold yellowcake Uranium to Iraq, CIA Director George Tenet has accepted the top job in the newly created Office of Erroneous Information. The White House plans to make the Office of Erroneous Information a cabinet level position, but first needs to get approval from Congress.

Speaking to reporters President Bush said, "[Tenet] has proven that he is willing to defend our freedoms by taking responsibility for Erroneous Information. It is my hope that Mr. Tenet can continue to serve a useful function."

The Office of Erroneous Information is intended as a clearinghouse of sorts for claims that the administration would like to make, but can find no credible evidence. The Office of Erroneous Information will review the information and give its stamp of approval, allowing the White House to deflect scrutiny toward the Office of Erroneous Information.

On receiving the appointment Tenet said, "I am thankful to the President for giving me this opportunity to continue to serve my country in this time of crisis. I promise to give my stamp of approval to every questionable piece of information that comes from the White House. I'd like to start my tenure by asserting that Saddam Hussein and the Baathist regime in Iraq definitely had possible ties to al-Qaeda."

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Next, the United States will lay claim to the French fry

Italy must be part of Rummy's "Old Europe" (as opposed to the new and improved Europe of suspect British intelligence). First, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi had an unfortunate choice of words. Now, it seems as though Italy has lost lasagna to the British.

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7 Reasons to not watch the Baseball All-Star Game

1. The braying, ego-bloated, pompous ass Tim McCarver
2. “This time it counts!” yawn
3. US Cellular Field should be Comiskey Park
4. Mike Williams
5. No offense to Dmitri Young, but anyone from the Detroit Tigers
6. The Home Run contest is better, even though it is glorified batting practice
7. It’s on too late: imagine falling asleep and hearing Tim McCarver’s voice in your dreams

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Circling the wagons

The White House is playing musical chairs with a suspect piece of intelligence that either found or forced its way into the State of the Union Address: namely that British intelligence discovered that Iraq was trying to buy Nigerian Uranium. Over the past few days the "Pop Goes the Weasel" has stopped among the following excuses:

1. The British did it
2. The CIA let us say it (although under extreme duress)
3. It was not that important, anyway

It would be more believable to find that Jayson Blair was providing information to British intelligence, at least then we would know we had a reliably unreliable source. The latest play calls for White House staffers to diminish the importance of that part of the speech. It may have only been sixteen words, but when making a case for a pre-emptive war, one better be damn sure to be telling the truth.

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All-Star Game

Sportswriters are overwrought in their assessment of the importance of Baseball's All-Star Game. Sp what if Frank Thomas and Sammy Sosa aren't playing in their "home" city? I fell asleep watching last year's fiasco (a tie game) in the 5th inning, or about 9:30 PM after the extended pre-game and pre-pre-game and Ray Liotta reading really bad homages to baseball and country.

Verbal Jazz would like to make the following 5 suggestions for All-Star game changes:

1. Lefties v. Righties. For pitchers it is their throwing arm that decides their team, for position players, it is the side of plate from which they bat. Switch hitters stay home.
2. Have the American League represent the Republicans and the National League represent the Democrats and cede majority control of the House and Senate to the winner.
3. The losing pitcher accepts a lifetime ban from baseball.
4. Inverse representation: the worst teams get 7 roster spots each. The Yankees get one.
5. Forget the effing game, just give us the Home Run Derby

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Bring who on?

32 soldiers have died since President Bush announced an end to major combat on May 1. How many has it been since he said, "Bring 'em on" from the comfort and safety of his perch in Washington? If our President had actually served in a combat situation, he might understand that the military are not Risk pieces fighting over Kamchatka.

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Who would your president be?

A friend sent this link along. Essentially it asks a series of questions and calculates which presidential candidates fit into your belief system. Of course, it doesn't answer the unquantifiables, like leadership qualities, electability, and comedy value. Verbal Jazz will not disclose the results of his poll, but does find it amusing that that Libertarian party (not the winner) did much better than the sitting president.

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The CIA told us to say it

Verbal Jazz once worked for a company whose culture was such that when you were caught knee-deep in something that stank (hint: rhymes with skit), the best recourse was to pass the buck and blame someone else...sound familiar?

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Kids, don't crash your Humvees at home

Reports indicate that the Propaganda Machine may have embellished the early details of the capture and rescue of Pfc. Jessica Lynch. Now if LeBron James crashes his famous Hummer, will the Cleveland Cavaliers feed the Cleveland Plain Dealer a story about his heroic efforts to rescue a baby from a burning building?

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Chuck Taylor All-Stars to lose their cred

Nike, they of the ubiquitous Swoosh logo, is purchasing Converse. Never very comfortable, the Chuck Taylor All-Star, kind of had a rep as a lowbudget, old school throwback. I once owned a purple pair and a black pair.

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PETA names Randall Simon "Athlete of the Year"

You just can't make this stuff up. Honestly, Randall, if you that angry about unhealthy food choices, just sue McDonald's.

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Ancient pornography

Researchers have discovered that Stonehenge is a giant fertility symbol. Next, the House and Seante will ban all references to Stonehenge in the interest of protecting America's families, "This is Spinal Tap" will now be X-Rated, and the monument will be Playmate of the month.

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Psssst! It's a secret

A federal appeals court ruled that a lawsuit brought against Vice President Cheney to reveal the workings of his secret energy cabal, er, task force, can go on. The energy cabal has been problematic since day one as it relied heavily on industry insiders to set policy, kind of like telling a group of five-year-olds they can set the rules of the house with no adult supervision. One may think that groups like the Sierra Club are on the lunatic fringe, but a comprehensive, well thought out energy plan needs some input from the environmental community.

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About time

MSNBC fired Michael Savage for some incendiary anti-gay remarks directed at a caller.

Some enterprising media mogul should invent the Outrage Channel, which would feature Savage and other descendents of Morton Downey, Jr. spewing their venom. Some other suggested shows: "Coulter-Geist" (Anne Coulter as a screaming banshee who destroys things out of righteous anger), "O'Reilly-Ville" (Bill O'Reilly as the mayor of a town in which everyone agrees with him), and "Round-Table" (various angry people sit around a table being angry).

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Our Bad

Okay, so maybe we didn't have the best intelligence, the White House admits. Didn't the New Yorker break this stroy a couple of months ago?

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I'll get back to you

The Do-Not Call registry expands. In my fair state of Massachusetts we already had one. NPR's morning news show, Morning Edition reported that the telemarketing industry is planning to file suit on the grounds of First Amendment rights, which was then followed up by a whiny diatribe from a former telemarketer who spent ten years on the job who complained about the rude behavior of people who didn't appreciate being called at home.

Telemarketers are more into harassment than they are about excercising a First Amendment right. I mean if Bill O'Reilly called me every evening, it would be much more annoying than the brief flip past his TV show. The telephone compells a person to respond to it, radio and TV allow the choice of program option (albeit less so, if Mikey Powell and the FCC have their way). As for the whiney former telemarketer: no one forced you into the job, you get no sympathy here.

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Next Saddam will be challenged to a duel

The President's message to Iraqi Militants? "Bring 'em on." That'll show 'em (i.e. the one's who are bringing it on). As expected liberals will seethe and conservatives will pump their fists in jingoistic jubilation.

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What is this world coming to?

Homosexuals won the right to not have anyone but into their private lives and now a newly released study finds that long term marijuana use doesn't damage the brain. [Insert favorite spaced stoner joke here]. Now we may see a litany of responses as to what it does damage:

The Moral Fiber of America?
The ability to say no to unprotected teenage sex?
The cash flow of beer manufacturers?
The reputation of politicians who are "Tough on Crime?" and support the "War on Drugs?"

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More satisfying than hitting the lottery

If Saddam were hiding under my desk, I would have a cool $25 Mil...or the equivalent of A-Rod's yearly salary. I wonder if it's taxable.

What would be the prize for both Osama and Saddam? What does one get for finding those missing WMDs?

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Maybe they'll approve man-dog relations, next!

Now that The Supreme Court struck down the Texas anti-sodomy law (how dare consenting adults actually screw in the privacy of their own home!), the debate begins to rage about gay marriage. Typically, the family values crew is panicking about the sanctity of marriage. Did this columnist ever stop to think, in the midst of crafting a completely asisnine argument, that social pressures have forced homosexuals into man-woman marriages?

From flag burning to gay marriage, the chicken littles want to pass constitutional amendments to limit freedom in the name of freedom, an argument that amounts to chasing one's own tail. Our President doesn't yet want to commit to a Constitutional Ban against something which is not allowed yet, anyway. Wake me up when thodse self professed "Freedom Lovers" intend to make a salient point: zzzzz.

"Sacntity of marriage" has such a sanctimonious, religious tone that the whole argument crosses the threshold of the Separation between Church and State. A Church is entitled to ban homosexual marriages as a tenet of faith, but the last time I looked, the government was supposed to be impartial toward religion, with the exception to our supine position to God in the "Pledge of Allegiance," of course.

Maybe the idea of "marriage" is outdated, after all? Don't tell my fiance, however, we're still planning on having a marriage that won't be threatened by homosexual unions. Now, about those damn Canadians...

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When you're wrong, just shout

Taking Anne Coulter to task for her works of fiction is kind of like challenging the village idiot to a debate, but. Richard Cohen does an admirable job in the Washington Post. Some people seem to like simple explanations of complex issues and Annie gives it to them: The Liberal Media Conspiracy. The problem with Annie is that she comes off as kind of a modern day version of the Abigail Williams character in "The Crucible:" no amount of reasoning will convince her that she’s just plain wrong about certain things. I’d like to cling to the theory that her shtick is just a persona used to sell books, but then maybe she really is using a different dictionary to define "treason." There are plenty of conservatives who know how to have a reasonable, well thought out opinion.

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There must be some unwritten rule

Looks like the beginnings of a lawsuit involving royalties of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." In the legal realm this is kind of like a tropical depression. Bowing to the obvious CNN refers to it as "My Big Fat Greek" Lawsuit; rest assured, other media outlets will follow suit. Why can't they refer to it as a "Grecian Formula for a Lawsuit" or some such ridiculous nonsense.

Is this really what happens when one makes so-so independent films with mass appeal? Seriously, the film was a sitcom waiting to happen...

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We swear, Jayson Blair in no way contributed to this story...

The Sniper trail for Lee Boyd Malvo has been moved will be moved from Fairfax County because everyone there lived in fear of the sniper.

Is it really because they don't want to be misquoted in the Times?

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Hitting below the belt, part deux
Cardinal Law prolly wishes he destroyed those records Enron, or Ollie North style

New Bishop named to head Archdiocese of Boston. And wouldn't you know, his name's O'Malley?

Seriously, though, Verbal Jazz wishes him luck.

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Hitting below the belt
Something tells me T. Lott wishes ol' Strom kicked the bucket at 99 (or had actually won the Presidential race in '48).

Strom Thurmond was laid to rest today.

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