Satire
Disputed Wiffle Ball sold
Last week the Supreme Court decided in a 7-2 decision to uphold a lower court ruling (Whitfield v. Plainco) that essentially forces the litigants to auction a Wiffle Ball and split the proceeds. The ball in question is a 73rd home run Wiffle Ball hit off the bat of Wiffle Ball slugger CM Vallancourt.

In his testimony, plaintiff Brian Whitfield claims that he first had possession of the ball that was knocked free from his hands after being caught in a scrum of two inebriates. Defendant Jarvis Plainco disputed Whitfield's assertion as "rely[ing] on NFL style replay footage to determine the rightful owner of the ball."

The Judge in the case decided to split the difference and split the earnings of the Wiffle ball, a decision that the Supreme Court upheld, with only Scalia and Thomas dissenting. Justice Scalia, in a scathing dissent, asserted that the Court was taking sides in a "culture war," by "recognizing the Wiffle Ball as a potentially significant piece of Americana." Clarence Thomas agreed: "I agree," he said.

The ball was auctioned on eBay for $4.50 plus shipping, an amount not expected to cover the legal expenses of the litigants. "I didn't expect [the Ball] to sell for so much money," said Vallancourt. "I mean it's just a Wiffle Ball that I was hitting around and these two fools start fighting for it. I had to go out and buy a new ball afterward."

|

The wisdom of Solomon?

Apparently the two gentlemen who went to court over Barry Bonds 73rd home run baseball will not earn enough money to cover legal fees. Rather than carp on this greedy, litigious society (really, though, does anyone get enough of picking on lawyers?), I will take this moment to thank the judge in this case who told the two sell it and split the winnings. The litigants probably figured that they were quibbling over a lottery ticket since Mark McGwire's 70th fetched more then $3 Million. Well, the ball got $450,000 which apparently doesn't buy two good teams of lawyers.

The only question left is how much would someone pay for my 73rd home run Wiffle Ball?

|

The Gang of Three

When a Supreme Court decision comes down 6-3, one can almost always guess who the three are going to be: Scalia, Thomas and Rehnquist. Today, the Supremes voted to strike down a Texas law that punishes homosexuality 6-3: six voting in favor of a free country; three voting in favor a free country in name only. Like I wrote a couple of days ago, the Power Trio should not even bother showing up for work, one always knows how they will vote. According to the AP, Scalia even goes so far as to claim that the court "has largely signed on to the so-called homosexual agenda."

The basic facts of the case are: the police, on an erroneous tip, raided a dwelling in which two men were engaged in consensual sex and issued a citation. One could understand a citation for finding love on a park bench, but a private dwelling should be just that: private.

Scalia, Thomas and Rehnquist, presumably under the rubric of "State's rights" and no guarantee of the right of privacy in the Constitution, think it's a good idea for the government to take a stand against the sexual practices of consenting adults. The case against the guaranteed right to privacy is a red herring, relying on a strict interpretation of what the Framers may have meant in a vastly different time and certainly a different culture. "State's Rights" is just another way for the Fearsome Threesome (I mean threesome, in a non-sexual way, of course) to have their cake and eat it. When they agree with a silly state law, they cling to state's rights, when they don't agree with a state law, the state oversteps its boundaries.

Keep in mind that Scalia and Thomas are two of the President's favorite Justices.

|

This headline for sale
The Chicago Bears Sponsored by Bank One. Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later that a major sports franchise would skip over the stadium naming rights to go straight for team naming rights. Maybe we should just give up having cities host teams and switch to corporations. One could get along with the Gillette Patriots, say, or the Fleet Celtics. Maybe the Bears could truly re-brand themselves and simply be known as the Chicago Bank Ones; or the Red Sox could become the John Hancock Fleets. Sponsorship knows no boundaries.

Perhaps this whole sponsorship by Bank One is simply another throw back to Youth Leagues. When I played Little League baseball my teams were all known by the businesses who sponsored them: Brockton Cafe, Paul Clancy Real Estate (undefeated!), and Home Federal Savings. If Youth Leagues have to solicit corporate sponsorship, why shouldn't the pros?

|

Split Decision

Do the means justify the end or does the end justify the means? Whatever it is, it is the ends that matter, but the means that stink, apparently. Yesterday, the Supreme Court upheld Affirmative Action at the University of Michigan (5-4), but struck down the means the undergraduate school had been achieving racial diversity, or the infamous "points" system (6-3). It was kind of like a split decision double header, with the always hard to peg Justice Sandra Day O'Connor casting the deciding vote to continue to allow Affirmative Action. At any rate, it's still okay to take a person's race (as well as other mitigating circumstances, such as legacy) into account when they apply to college; it's just not okay to quantify how much one takes race into account. In other words, it's a judgment call, like when a manager summons the bull pen after the starter has surrendered a few hits.

The "Big Three," Scalia, Thomas and Rehnquist (along with Kennedy) of course voted against Affirmative Action in both cases. It makes on wonder why they even bother listening to the arguments at all, if the justices are going to stick with a "because I said so" approach to the judiciary.

If ol' Sandy leaves the bench, then our President will think it's his mission from god (okay, Karl Rove) to appoint an ideologue in her place. That seems to go against the purpose of the judiciary, whose mission is to say "well, these are the laws" not "well, this is how we interpret the laws to suit our needs." When all else fails, just label the thing that you do not agree with as unconstitutional. Are we not better served with a David Souter than we would have been with, say, a Robert Bork? (Yes, I do realize that Souter was appointed by Bush I, while Bork was nominated by Reagan.)

|

Barking up the impeach tree

Yesterday, in the Boston Globe, one Letter to the editor, called for the impeachment of George W. Bush because we still have not found those sneaky Weapons of Mass Destruction that were a premise behind, well, a war. Maybe those weapons were shipped to Santa Claus in the North Pole, waiting to be delivered to good little boys and girls on Christmas Day. Imagine the fun your little ones could have with WMD: "Mommy, look! Santa left me a ton of Sarin so I can waste away those godless terrorists!"

Pardon the digression, but those calling for impeachment have yet to discover that both the Senate and the House are controlled by Republicans, and one would have to sincerely doubt that republicans would go after a sitting President in their own party who seems to be able to rally those whose patriotism comes without a sense of irony. The impeachment of President Clinton was a farcical exercise in partisan bickering: no one really cared that he lied about his relationship with an intern; it was just an excuse to weaken the power of the opposition: that'll teach them stinking Democrats to try passing universal health care or to get gays in the military! Who knows, gays in the military might lead to all kinds of bad things: bestiality and incest in the military, too! The horror of freely expressed sexual choice!

Calling for an impeachment of Bush runs second to the comparisons of Bush to Hitler in terms of sheer ridiculousness. Sure, the Bush Presidency is reactionary in a right-wing sort of way and is prone to double-speak, but comparing Bush to Hitler is dangerous and intellectually dishonest and reactionary in a left-wing, anti-Semitic sort of way. In other words, such extreme rhetoric diminishes the argument as coming from the lunatic fringe. Although, California nay be ready to recall their elected governor behind the power of a wealthy Republican representative: and one thought that democratic elections never received a mulligan.

Now, about those weapons...

|

Another frustrated virgin?

People have been making a pilgrimage to Milton Hospital (in Milton, MA) recently to view what they believe is the image of the Virgin Mary in a window. According to the Boston Globe the "image formed when a sealant around the window ruptured and allowed heat and moisture to seep through, leaving a chemical deposit." Hospital officials have also been encouraging people to visit from 5:30 to 8:30 PM, an encouragement, which has gone unheeded which has led the hospital to cover the image with a tarp (honestly, I am not making any of this up). In one report I read this week some spectators believe the Virgin Mary has appeared as an anti-abortion message.

As my boss said, you can see just about anything in the clouds, as well. I'm inclined to agree with that assessment. I mean, if you really need to go looking for idols and visions in hospital windows, then one can claim the disappearance of the Old Man of the Mountain as a sign that America is doomed. The great thing about signs and visions is that the visionary is free to interpret them as they so choose. Pretty soon there will be a web site devoted to the "Virgin in the Window" and a cult to interpret what it means.

|

What is so important about the environment, anyway?

According to the New York Times, a report soon to be published by the EPA has left out data referring to climate change. The AP reports that the White House ordered the removal the data, which would lead one to believe that the White House doesn’t want to hear about climate change.

The White House will also issue an edict for government funded scientists to not discuss evolution or the Big Bang Theory.

|

Exercise in futility?

UMass (alma mater of Verbal Jazz) president, and former Massachusetts Senate President, William Bulger is currently testifying that he does not know where his brother, mobster James "Whitey" Bulger is.

Next the committee plans to ask Bulger (William, of course) where the Weapons of Mass Destruction are located.

|

MP3s of Mass Destruction

Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) wants to send out files that destroy the computers of those who illegally trade MP3s as it "may be the only way you can teach somebody about copyrights." Record company executives would probably cheer that move as they continue to find ways to alienate their customers: people who care about music. The real problem is that hard copies of music are so ridiculously expensive to purchase and the industry has really done nothing to address the issue other than going to war against consumers. Broad popularity of programs like Napster only prove that there is a market for MP3 music files, the only problem is that the record companies didn’t think of it first and did not have the distribution. In the end, it’s the artists who get screwed while Senator Hatch gets to blather on.

|

One Liner
If there are no WMDs found in Iraq the only support the President should get is from his jock strap the next time he tries to ride a Segway scooter.

|

satire
Accuracy not important, study finds
CHICAGO, IL - According to a study released today by Northwestern University 62% of Americans are more concerned with their relative agreement with a news source than they are with its accuracy. The study also went on to find that 81% of Americans believe what they read in emails forwarded from their friends and relatives.

"Basically, Americans are looking for a trusted source," said Karl Aaronson, chief author of the study. "As long as they trust the source, they do not care about the accuracy of the information."

"This is obviously an important study," said media critic Kyle Gangliobone. "With these numbers one can see why viewers are likely to give a pass to shows like 'The O'Reilly Factor.' People don't want to hear a story they do not agree with."

Likewise, Gangliobone says that the New York Times could have spared itself plenty of headaches surrounding the Jayson Blair scandal by waiting for the results of this study. In other reports, Blair is reportedly seeking to get his back his position with the New York Times, citing the Northwestern Study as grounds for unfair termination.

|

Making it too easy
Just as former Oklahoma Governor Frank Keating steps down from his post monitoring reforms in the Catholic Church, due to his frustration in working with some bishops, Phoenix Bishop, Thomas O'Brien is arrested for allegedly committing a hit-and-run felony. According to the AP, O'Brien had also struck a deal with regard to sex abuse investigations.

Were it not for the sex abuse crisis in the Church, O'Brien's alleged actions would simply be passed off as bad judgment. Now, however, O'Brien's bad judgment is linked with all the other troubles afflicting the Catholic Church.

What’s next? Priests involved in the dumping of ImClone Stock? Clergy involved in Spam email pyramid schemes?

|

Satire
Psychic enlisted to find weapons

WASHINGTON, DC - Desperate to find the Weapons of Mass Destruction that were crucial in deciding to go to war in Iraq, the White House has enlisted the aid of renowned psychic Mara Zalesta.

"[Zalesta] has found missing children using a combination of divination techniques," said Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "The President has the utmost confidence in her ability to find Saddam's weapons."

When pressed about what Zalesta's divination techniques are, Fleischer refused to comment, however an anonymous source close to the administration believes that Zalesta will primarily try to use her abilities as a medium in a seance setting. "If Saddam is dead, he may be able to lead the psychic to the weapons or else be doomed to haunt the earth until his soul is at rest."

Ms. Zalesta's services will cost roughly $4.99/per minute.

|

Review of "The Matrix"

Sure it was released in 1999 but I only saw it for the first time recently:

The premise of "The Matrix" is that we are living in a virtual reality world in which our energy is used to maintain AI beings. The only hope in escaping this world comes in the form of computer geeks who learn the secrets to the video game in which we live and Keanu Reeves is the One, or Neo (an anagram of "One" or a fancy way of saying "New").

Now here are the things that make no sense:

1. If Keanu and Co. have such powers in the Matrix world, why would they want to liberate everyone else and live in a world in which they have no power? It's kind of like asking Superman to move back to Krypton, eh?

2. How does Cypher arrange to rat out Morpheus when the moves of the freedom fighters are always being watched back at home base?

3. Is the Matrix kind of like the force?

That said, I liked the movie.

|

Trying not to spend it all in one place

It's a good thing those tax cuts were rammed through the House and the Senate recently. I just saw the windfall results on my most recent paycheck: a whopping $2.50, that amounts to $65 for a calendar year (I get paid every other week). If I save, maybe I could afford a ticket to a Red Sox game; or maybe it will cover my daily Boston Globe habit, with the exception of the Sunday edition. Just be sure not to spend it all in one place, it may end up being all you have left for retirement.

|

Gambling is bad, except when it's investing
Rick Neuheisel is expected to be fired today as Washington's football coach because he violated NCAA rules prohibiting gambling. Essentially the football coach bet a whole heap of money on the NCAA basketball tournament and WON! Now, if the coach had put that money into the stock market there would be no problem. Gambling on sports, like the stock market, is highly speculative and relies on beating the odds in order to turn a profit, although the wins and losses in the stock market tend to be more incremental. So, if gambling and putting money into the stock market are essentially the same thing, why is it considered taboo to bet on your own team, while (during the bubble at least) stock options were a major recruitment tool? Neuheisel is being fired for gambling on Maryland in 2002 and winning, but if he had gambled on ImClone everything would be cake.

Also, if we are to put Social Security accounts into private investment accounts, maybe we should be allowed to take the money and bet on a Cubs-Red Sox World Series. That would pay huge dividends (presumably taxable since it won't come from the stock market).

|

Roadmap without the roads
President Bush committed himself to a new roadmap for peace in Israel, but neither the Palestinians nor the Israelis seem to be cooperating. Just yesterday a Palestinian suicide bomber killed 16 people, and in retaliation the Israeli forces killed 7 and wounded 25 while aiming at a car, according to the New York Times (careful, this may not be actual news considering the source). In other words it looks as though we may have constructed a roadmap without the actual roads.

|

Where o where could those weapons be...?
Maybe Saddam has taken them to a private bunker in Atlantis where he is meeting with Osama to create a new terrorist network. Democrats are frothing at the mouth as W. clings to the notion that the weapons are there, we just need to find them. Would a president lie to the people to create a causus belli that we could believe? One would like to cling to the mythmaking that is George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, but if the data on those weapons programs was cooked, it will be interesting to see how the White House spin machine turns this into a protection of our freedom.

|

Satire
Limbaugh discloses secret desire
NEW YORK, NY - It was a surprising admission, but conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh admitted that he often dreams that Senator Hilary Clinton (D - NY) is his romantically linked arch-nemesis. "I lie awake thinking about the Femi-Nazi," said Limbaugh on his radio show. "It's kind of like Batman and Cat Woman, or something like that. I can no longer hide my feelings for her."

Psychologist Elizabeth Monroe sees Limbaugh's past behavior as a classic example of a boy picking on a girl because he is attracted to her. "It's been obvious for quite some time that Limbaugh has a great admiration and affection for the New York Senator," said Monroe. "He's so mean to her because he is afraid that she will hurt him."

Senator Clinton, in New York for the signing of her book, Living History, had no comment.

|

Where are the weapons?
Today the President was adamant that Iraq had a weapons program. Apparently the Weapons of Mass Destruction have refused to turn up thus far while Iraq goes through the growing pains of political chaos following its toppled regime. If no weapons are found things could get a bit dicey for the President's reelection campaign. By campaign time, however, the new FCC ruling that further deregulates media ownership could ensure that all TV stations are owned by the same entity.

Let's face it, having one media outlet would certainly make things easier. For instance one media outlet could cling to the party line that the president never insisted that there were WMDs in Iraq, just that Iraq had a program.

If the weapons are found, it all becomes a moot point. If the weapons are not found, the Democrats will have received a golden opportunity in the 2004 election, especially if the administration fudged the evidence. Don't count on the Democrats to actually use it to their advantage, however, in case the weapons do turn up at some point.

|

Sammy Sosa suspended for eight games

Slammin' Sammy Sosa was suspended by major league baseball today for eight games for hitting with a corked bat. Maybe this incident led to an overhaul of the major league game like terrorism has led to an overhaul of airport security. In other words, or any other slugger, hands off their bat to a screener who then X-rays the bat and hands it back to the hitter after they step into the batter's box.

|

The New Verbal Jazz

Verbal Jazz has undergone a new change. From now on Verbal Jazz will exist as a Blog dedicated to satire and social commentary. Some items will be satirical in nature, while others will be quick riffs on the news of the day.

Enjoy!

|