Because Every Package is a Threat
These are dangerous times we live in. I should know. I call 9-1-1 every time a package appears on my doorstep. The package delivery people (who shall remain nameless since they refused to spend $1,500 to be mentioned here), have told me that the police have started to pre-screen my packages. I do not believe this to be true, so I continue to call the bomb squad in every time.
Even if I recognize who supposedly sent the package, there is no telling who handled it along the way. Is an order-filler at an online retailer (who also declined to pony up $1,500) waiting to meet virgins in the afterlife? Did my aunt (another one who declined to pay $1,500) have secret meetings with a terrorist leader (whose $1,500 I told the police I won’t accept).
Thus far I am out $4,500 (plus $1,500 I won’t accept). I was going to use this money to hire a food tester. It’s obvious that the package delivery people, who could have had two mentions for $2,500; online retailer, who could have had the same deal; and my aunt who would have received a special family discount (two mentions for a mere $2,999!) – it’s obvious that none of these people care enough about my safety or the synergy of sponsoring this article.
The food tester, an intriguing young woman named Wanda, charges by the hour and provides other services in addition to food testing. I only mention her to get a discount on said services. The only problem? She keeps calling me John, but my name is Phil. However, she said she would never send me a package. I think she’ll get a glowing performance review. |
Even if I recognize who supposedly sent the package, there is no telling who handled it along the way. Is an order-filler at an online retailer (who also declined to pony up $1,500) waiting to meet virgins in the afterlife? Did my aunt (another one who declined to pay $1,500) have secret meetings with a terrorist leader (whose $1,500 I told the police I won’t accept).
Thus far I am out $4,500 (plus $1,500 I won’t accept). I was going to use this money to hire a food tester. It’s obvious that the package delivery people, who could have had two mentions for $2,500; online retailer, who could have had the same deal; and my aunt who would have received a special family discount (two mentions for a mere $2,999!) – it’s obvious that none of these people care enough about my safety or the synergy of sponsoring this article.
The food tester, an intriguing young woman named Wanda, charges by the hour and provides other services in addition to food testing. I only mention her to get a discount on said services. The only problem? She keeps calling me John, but my name is Phil. However, she said she would never send me a package. I think she’ll get a glowing performance review. |
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