Letter Carrier Plans More Days Off
Satire
After an extended New Year Holiday to mourn the death of former president Gerald Ford, Letter Carrier Kevin Keasbrough, who has a route in Wilkes Barre, PA has already started planning his days off upon the deaths of Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush.
“As sad as it is that the presidents will have to die, it is nice to be able to get an additional day off while the country mourns,” said Keasbrough. “I’d like to plan out what I’m going to do those days, so I don’t get stuck watching daytime TV.”
Keasbrough lucked out on Tuesday. While the country mourned, Keasbrough caught up on “Knight Rider” Seasons 1-4 on DVD, a gift he had received from his parents. Keasbrough insisted that he was not taking advantage of the day off. “I was using ‘Knight Rider’ as a distraction for my sadness,” said Keasbrough.
Keasbrough anticipates that Jimmy Carter and George H.W. Bush will die relatively close to each other because they were born in the same year, 1924. "They are both eighty-two, so I'll probably be looking at two more days off in the next year."
Keasbrough, and his fellow Letter Carrier Clement Hardy also anticipate that postal workers are now likely to vote for the oldest candidate for president. “I’m backing John McCain all the way, because he was born in 1936, and is almost 20 older than anyone else considering a run for office,” said Hardy. “Forget Obama, he’s too young and liable to stick around for another forty years. I’ll be long retired by then.”
Although Keasbrough and Hardy are looking forward to the deaths of former presidents, each asserts that he would not try to kill any former Commander-in-Chief. “Murdering a President would just perpetuate an ugly stereotype about postal workers,” said Hardy. |
After an extended New Year Holiday to mourn the death of former president Gerald Ford, Letter Carrier Kevin Keasbrough, who has a route in Wilkes Barre, PA has already started planning his days off upon the deaths of Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush.
“As sad as it is that the presidents will have to die, it is nice to be able to get an additional day off while the country mourns,” said Keasbrough. “I’d like to plan out what I’m going to do those days, so I don’t get stuck watching daytime TV.”
Keasbrough lucked out on Tuesday. While the country mourned, Keasbrough caught up on “Knight Rider” Seasons 1-4 on DVD, a gift he had received from his parents. Keasbrough insisted that he was not taking advantage of the day off. “I was using ‘Knight Rider’ as a distraction for my sadness,” said Keasbrough.
Keasbrough anticipates that Jimmy Carter and George H.W. Bush will die relatively close to each other because they were born in the same year, 1924. "They are both eighty-two, so I'll probably be looking at two more days off in the next year."
Keasbrough, and his fellow Letter Carrier Clement Hardy also anticipate that postal workers are now likely to vote for the oldest candidate for president. “I’m backing John McCain all the way, because he was born in 1936, and is almost 20 older than anyone else considering a run for office,” said Hardy. “Forget Obama, he’s too young and liable to stick around for another forty years. I’ll be long retired by then.”
Although Keasbrough and Hardy are looking forward to the deaths of former presidents, each asserts that he would not try to kill any former Commander-in-Chief. “Murdering a President would just perpetuate an ugly stereotype about postal workers,” said Hardy. |
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