Bush: Palmeiro Product of intelligent design
Satire
President Bush renewed his support of baseball player Rafael Palmeiro, who recently received a ten game suspension for violating the Major League Baseball performance enhancing drug policy. Bush used part of his Saturday radio address to suggest is Palmeiro's career is the result of intelligent design.
"Rafael Palmeiro is a friend. He testified in public and I believe him," said Bush. "People ought to be exposed to both sides of the debate. Some believe that Rafael used banned substances in order to improve his baseball career. Others, including many prominent scientists, believe that his body was so designed to play the game at a high level for many years. Plus, he said he didn't do it."
Dr. Malcolm Rice, a physiologist studying the sudden, unwitting appearance of performance enhancers in athletes for the Center for the Advancement of Intelligent Design in Athletes (CAIDA), asserts that President Bush may be correct. "Scores of athletes have tested positive for performance enhancement drugs with no knowledge of how those enhancers entered the body," said Rice. "Our studies are on the cusp of proving that those athletes have a body so designed to organically synthesize performance enhancers."
Some Senate Republicans see ulterior motives in Palmeiro's positive drug test. "Mr. Palmeiro is a well-known Republican with a potential bright political future once his baseball career has ended," said Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY). "We know that there is nothing the Democrats won't do in order to advance their agenda and it now seems as though they have our National Pastime in their fevered grasp."
Fox News plans to spend the weekend investigating why Democrats are trying to ruin baseball. The Kansas Board of Education working to introduce guidelines requiring educators to examine all possible reasons for Palmeiro's positive test and has made Dr. Malcolm Rice required reading. |
President Bush renewed his support of baseball player Rafael Palmeiro, who recently received a ten game suspension for violating the Major League Baseball performance enhancing drug policy. Bush used part of his Saturday radio address to suggest is Palmeiro's career is the result of intelligent design.
"Rafael Palmeiro is a friend. He testified in public and I believe him," said Bush. "People ought to be exposed to both sides of the debate. Some believe that Rafael used banned substances in order to improve his baseball career. Others, including many prominent scientists, believe that his body was so designed to play the game at a high level for many years. Plus, he said he didn't do it."
Dr. Malcolm Rice, a physiologist studying the sudden, unwitting appearance of performance enhancers in athletes for the Center for the Advancement of Intelligent Design in Athletes (CAIDA), asserts that President Bush may be correct. "Scores of athletes have tested positive for performance enhancement drugs with no knowledge of how those enhancers entered the body," said Rice. "Our studies are on the cusp of proving that those athletes have a body so designed to organically synthesize performance enhancers."
Some Senate Republicans see ulterior motives in Palmeiro's positive drug test. "Mr. Palmeiro is a well-known Republican with a potential bright political future once his baseball career has ended," said Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY). "We know that there is nothing the Democrats won't do in order to advance their agenda and it now seems as though they have our National Pastime in their fevered grasp."
Fox News plans to spend the weekend investigating why Democrats are trying to ruin baseball. The Kansas Board of Education working to introduce guidelines requiring educators to examine all possible reasons for Palmeiro's positive test and has made Dr. Malcolm Rice required reading. |
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