We don't need no stinkin' plan!
On my wedding day I was kidnapped at Wendy's after finding a finger in my food with an old diamond worth more than $100K. That's my story and I am sticking to it. With a little bit of foresight and a good airtight plan, my scheme might have gone off without a hitch and I'd be a rich man from the sale of the diamond ring, the Wendy's settlement check, the ransom money and the royalties from my life story.
Unless of course you start asking questions. Or I run out of money. Or the finger and the $100K ring don't appear to have been sitting in a vat of cooked Wendy's chili for three or more hours. That's kind of where the plan falls apart and I say I was framed and stick to my story like a suddenly slim Major League Baseball player who has never taken Steroids (wink, wink).
The important part is the plan. When Jennifer Wilbanks went from Georgia to Albuquerque via Las Vegas, she didn't have a good plan. Apparently she went for a run and decided on the spur of the moment to leave town because she had a lot on her mind. Along the way she phoned her fiancée to say she had been kidnapped. Then she ran out of money and admitted to making the whole thing up. The FBI, concerned that a southern white girl had gone missing, accordingly spent $100,000 pursuing the case. That cost includes coffee breaks.
Maybe Jennifer was hoping that her journey would be like some Hollywood chick flick where she would find her true love on the Greyhound, and breakup her engagement to a man who makes a living organizing cockfights. The FBI agents on the case would naturally end up as groomsmen and give her a pair of handcuffs and kidnapper style rope as a wedding present. That would test well with the audiences. Unfortunately for Ms. Wilbanks, her story will likely involve a made-for-TV movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. If there were death and a lesbian love triangle involved it would lend itself to an "Oscar worthy performance" from an actress looking to get serious (Jennifer Anniston?) and be "ripped from the headlines" for a Law & Order episode appearing in two weeks.
Who hasn't wanted to go to a wedding where some the bride ditches the groom and runs off with the best man? Or at least one in which someone stands up and gives a reason those two fools taking their vows shouldn't be together? It would be much more interesting if, say, a member of the same sex pledged fealty to the bride or groom. At least here in Massachusetts, they could just go on with the ceremony, albeit not without some confusion: "Lydia, do you take Lydia?"
While Ms. Wilbanks briefly forgot that there may be consequences, even when you do make a plan, things can still go awry. Three buddies from Methuen, MA found out when they claimed to find a stash of old money worth more than $100K. They did find it...it just apparently happened to be on a roofing job. Their stories became riddled with holes soon enough, as they sought the media spotlight. They should have taken a scriptwriting class with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck or at least tried to work for their fame like a "Survivor" contestant or an "American Idol."
Anna Ayala was another person with a plan. When Ms. Ayala found a finger in her Wendy's chili, the ghost of Dave Thomas actually had another heart attack. With Jeffrey Dahmer no longer among the living, the Bay Area Wendy's where Ms. Ayala found the finger lost plenty of business and had to lay off employees. Eventually it was found that the finger didn't belong to any of the employees and, well, it didn't appear as though it had been cooking for any length of time. While eating raw or undercooked food is a health risk that Ms. Ayala is adult enough to understand sticking someone else's finger in your own food might constitute attempted extortion.
So remember, if you are planning to run away, bilk someone out of their buried treasure or extort money from a fast food restaurant chain, always have a plan...and think it through. |
Unless of course you start asking questions. Or I run out of money. Or the finger and the $100K ring don't appear to have been sitting in a vat of cooked Wendy's chili for three or more hours. That's kind of where the plan falls apart and I say I was framed and stick to my story like a suddenly slim Major League Baseball player who has never taken Steroids (wink, wink).
The important part is the plan. When Jennifer Wilbanks went from Georgia to Albuquerque via Las Vegas, she didn't have a good plan. Apparently she went for a run and decided on the spur of the moment to leave town because she had a lot on her mind. Along the way she phoned her fiancée to say she had been kidnapped. Then she ran out of money and admitted to making the whole thing up. The FBI, concerned that a southern white girl had gone missing, accordingly spent $100,000 pursuing the case. That cost includes coffee breaks.
Maybe Jennifer was hoping that her journey would be like some Hollywood chick flick where she would find her true love on the Greyhound, and breakup her engagement to a man who makes a living organizing cockfights. The FBI agents on the case would naturally end up as groomsmen and give her a pair of handcuffs and kidnapper style rope as a wedding present. That would test well with the audiences. Unfortunately for Ms. Wilbanks, her story will likely involve a made-for-TV movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. If there were death and a lesbian love triangle involved it would lend itself to an "Oscar worthy performance" from an actress looking to get serious (Jennifer Anniston?) and be "ripped from the headlines" for a Law & Order episode appearing in two weeks.
Who hasn't wanted to go to a wedding where some the bride ditches the groom and runs off with the best man? Or at least one in which someone stands up and gives a reason those two fools taking their vows shouldn't be together? It would be much more interesting if, say, a member of the same sex pledged fealty to the bride or groom. At least here in Massachusetts, they could just go on with the ceremony, albeit not without some confusion: "Lydia, do you take Lydia?"
While Ms. Wilbanks briefly forgot that there may be consequences, even when you do make a plan, things can still go awry. Three buddies from Methuen, MA found out when they claimed to find a stash of old money worth more than $100K. They did find it...it just apparently happened to be on a roofing job. Their stories became riddled with holes soon enough, as they sought the media spotlight. They should have taken a scriptwriting class with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck or at least tried to work for their fame like a "Survivor" contestant or an "American Idol."
Anna Ayala was another person with a plan. When Ms. Ayala found a finger in her Wendy's chili, the ghost of Dave Thomas actually had another heart attack. With Jeffrey Dahmer no longer among the living, the Bay Area Wendy's where Ms. Ayala found the finger lost plenty of business and had to lay off employees. Eventually it was found that the finger didn't belong to any of the employees and, well, it didn't appear as though it had been cooking for any length of time. While eating raw or undercooked food is a health risk that Ms. Ayala is adult enough to understand sticking someone else's finger in your own food might constitute attempted extortion.
So remember, if you are planning to run away, bilk someone out of their buried treasure or extort money from a fast food restaurant chain, always have a plan...and think it through. |
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