The Ten Commandments according to Verbal Jazz
Today, the Supreme Court heard oral arguments over whether or not public institutions should be allowed to display the Ten Commandments. As a public service, Verbal Jazz has prepared a nifty guide to the Ten Commandments for those who may wonder what the big deal is:
1. I am the Lord thy god; thou shall not have any other gods before me - sounds like the big G is doing a bit of ego tripping right off the bat .. God's kind of like a wrestler or a rap star in that way.
2. Thou shall not make any graven images - hmmmm this seems to be bit of a conundrum: after all isn't a two ton rock hanging out in a courthouse the very sort of graven image that Commandment number 2 seems to go against? This Commandment also applies to any idolatrous shrines to rock stars that any of you may have had hanging in your room as a teenager. God knows if you read "Tiger Beat" when you were a teenager.
3. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain - goddammit! I've always hated this one. Jesus Christ, what's next?
4. Keep Holy the Sabbath Day - unless, of course there's a super deal on a plasma television, or it is the week before Christmas, or you need to make a last minute supermarket run before the Super Bowl. Seriously, when does this god character expect anyone to get any shopping done? Is it alright to say a few words in support of the graven image, I mean lord thy god, and then head out to Best Buy?
5. Honor your father and mother - That's right kids, even if your parents don't understand what you are going through, and they suck, you still have to honor them. That's right: your parents are drunks, meth-heads, abandoned you when you were a baby, whatever it was you still have to honor them. Where the hell is the respect for the goddam (sorry, Commandment 2) children? Please note that a prohibition on urinating on your parents' graves is also understood as part of obeying this commandment.
6. Thou shall not kill - except of course as revenge...that whole turn the other cheek thing was just some guy talking out of his ass.
7. Thou shall not commit adultery - this is the one that officially sanctions gay marriage: if adultery, defined as sexual relations outside of marriage is something god doesn't like and being gay is not necessarily a matter of choice, then surely god would want gays to be married. I'm glad I could clear up that messy little theological debate.
8. Thou shall not steal - Now rightfully claiming what's yours, that's not necessarily stealing, is it? I mean, say my service at a certain restaurant sucked and they forgot to charge me for the after dinner coffee, that's kind of like karmic retribution, right?
9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor -- now about those stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction...
10. Thou shall not covet anything of thy neighbor's including his wife -- Take heed, ladies, the lord your god considers you property. Note that this commandment says nothing about coveting thy neighbor's husband, but that is kind of covered in item number 7.
There you have it, the Ten Commandments, handed down to Moses by way of a Dictaphone, surviving multiple translations, and now explained here for you.
You are welcome! |
1. I am the Lord thy god; thou shall not have any other gods before me - sounds like the big G is doing a bit of ego tripping right off the bat .. God's kind of like a wrestler or a rap star in that way.
2. Thou shall not make any graven images - hmmmm this seems to be bit of a conundrum: after all isn't a two ton rock hanging out in a courthouse the very sort of graven image that Commandment number 2 seems to go against? This Commandment also applies to any idolatrous shrines to rock stars that any of you may have had hanging in your room as a teenager. God knows if you read "Tiger Beat" when you were a teenager.
3. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain - goddammit! I've always hated this one. Jesus Christ, what's next?
4. Keep Holy the Sabbath Day - unless, of course there's a super deal on a plasma television, or it is the week before Christmas, or you need to make a last minute supermarket run before the Super Bowl. Seriously, when does this god character expect anyone to get any shopping done? Is it alright to say a few words in support of the graven image, I mean lord thy god, and then head out to Best Buy?
5. Honor your father and mother - That's right kids, even if your parents don't understand what you are going through, and they suck, you still have to honor them. That's right: your parents are drunks, meth-heads, abandoned you when you were a baby, whatever it was you still have to honor them. Where the hell is the respect for the goddam (sorry, Commandment 2) children? Please note that a prohibition on urinating on your parents' graves is also understood as part of obeying this commandment.
6. Thou shall not kill - except of course as revenge...that whole turn the other cheek thing was just some guy talking out of his ass.
7. Thou shall not commit adultery - this is the one that officially sanctions gay marriage: if adultery, defined as sexual relations outside of marriage is something god doesn't like and being gay is not necessarily a matter of choice, then surely god would want gays to be married. I'm glad I could clear up that messy little theological debate.
8. Thou shall not steal - Now rightfully claiming what's yours, that's not necessarily stealing, is it? I mean, say my service at a certain restaurant sucked and they forgot to charge me for the after dinner coffee, that's kind of like karmic retribution, right?
9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor -- now about those stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction...
10. Thou shall not covet anything of thy neighbor's including his wife -- Take heed, ladies, the lord your god considers you property. Note that this commandment says nothing about coveting thy neighbor's husband, but that is kind of covered in item number 7.
There you have it, the Ten Commandments, handed down to Moses by way of a Dictaphone, surviving multiple translations, and now explained here for you.
You are welcome! |
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