Americans urged to exercise caution as AARP has WMD
Satire
Speaking to reporters yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice announced that AARP is in possession of weapons of mass destruction. "Intelligence indicates that AARP is a dangerous organization intent on using any means necessary to promote terror in order to undermine the President's plan to personalize Social Security."
AARP spokesperson Davis Charlton claims that these intelligence estimates are overrated. "AARP has never been in possession of weapons of mass destruction, nor does this association ever plan to acquire such weapons. Our mission remains to serve America's retired community. Ensuring that Social Security benefits remain in tact is one means of achieving that goal. We are also currently working with ESPN to promote shuffleboard."
Based on intelligence estimates of AARP's capabilities, Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff issued a warning for Americans to exercise "extreme caution" when visiting an assisted living facility or a retirement community as these places provide the highest concentration of AARP terrorist cells. "We have reason to believe that AARP operatives have infiltrated almost every retirement community in the US and are planning the mass destruction of Social Security reform as we speak," warned Secretary Chertoff.
The Senate plans to meet these charges head on and to take up a resolution this morning authorizing the President to hold AARP accountable for any weapons or terrorist activity in may be involved in. "If these charges are true, then we'll have no choice but to put AARP on notice," said Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist (R-TN). "This group simply wants to bankrupt America for its own personal gain."
"AARP's real agenda is the destruction of the American family," said Roland Heath, executive director of Familial Association of the American Family (FAAF). "After all they're just a bunch of gay-loving terrorists most likely trained in the abortive arts."
Davis Charlton of AARP claims that we have only quoted Heath because we'll listen to any two-bit crackpot who gives us a juicy quote. Charlton also claims that AARP has no weapons and does not operate any terrorist cells. "As if," said Heath. |
Speaking to reporters yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice announced that AARP is in possession of weapons of mass destruction. "Intelligence indicates that AARP is a dangerous organization intent on using any means necessary to promote terror in order to undermine the President's plan to personalize Social Security."
AARP spokesperson Davis Charlton claims that these intelligence estimates are overrated. "AARP has never been in possession of weapons of mass destruction, nor does this association ever plan to acquire such weapons. Our mission remains to serve America's retired community. Ensuring that Social Security benefits remain in tact is one means of achieving that goal. We are also currently working with ESPN to promote shuffleboard."
Based on intelligence estimates of AARP's capabilities, Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff issued a warning for Americans to exercise "extreme caution" when visiting an assisted living facility or a retirement community as these places provide the highest concentration of AARP terrorist cells. "We have reason to believe that AARP operatives have infiltrated almost every retirement community in the US and are planning the mass destruction of Social Security reform as we speak," warned Secretary Chertoff.
The Senate plans to meet these charges head on and to take up a resolution this morning authorizing the President to hold AARP accountable for any weapons or terrorist activity in may be involved in. "If these charges are true, then we'll have no choice but to put AARP on notice," said Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist (R-TN). "This group simply wants to bankrupt America for its own personal gain."
"AARP's real agenda is the destruction of the American family," said Roland Heath, executive director of Familial Association of the American Family (FAAF). "After all they're just a bunch of gay-loving terrorists most likely trained in the abortive arts."
Davis Charlton of AARP claims that we have only quoted Heath because we'll listen to any two-bit crackpot who gives us a juicy quote. Charlton also claims that AARP has no weapons and does not operate any terrorist cells. "As if," said Heath. |
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