Verbal Jazz admits to BalCo doping
Note: due to the sensitive nature of this topic, this story was written by reporter Denise Khuma
Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Marion Jones - now you can add Verbal Jazz to the list of those who allegedly took performance enhancing steroids. The San Francisco Chronicle reports that web logger or "blogger" Chris Vallancourt, a.k.a. "Verbal Jazz," admitted to a grand jury that he applied the BalCo products known as "the clear" and "the cream" to his ass in order to develop a cleaner smell in association with his flatulence.
According to his testimony, Verbal Jazz was desperate for any means to make his flatulence stink less. Verbal Jazz claims to have ended the treatment and his relationship with BalCo once he realized that the steroid treatments were doing nothing to decrease the odor of his flatulence.
While taking the substances several Verbal Jazz colleagues noted that his ass grew significantly. "It was like he couldn't fit his ass in his pants any more, you know what I'm saying?" said former colleague Elizabeth Miles. "I mean, it just grew so huge that it didn't fit with the rest of his body!"
"This certainly raises some questions as to the legitimacy of the Verbal Jazz website," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "It also sheds new light on his constant attacks on beloved baseball commentator Tim McCarver and begs the question of whether that entry on August 21 really funny, or was the result of the steroids." Major League Baseball is not in a position to suspend Verbal Jazz or put the website on hold, a situation that Selig privately laments.
Verbal Jazz declined to comment about his own use of performance enhancing drugs, but did report that Baseball commentator Tim McCarver is also being investigated for using performance enhancing drugs prepared by BalCo to stroke his own ego and develop the stamina needed to be a braying ass for three straight hours. We'll keep you updated on this story as it develops.
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Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Marion Jones - now you can add Verbal Jazz to the list of those who allegedly took performance enhancing steroids. The San Francisco Chronicle reports that web logger or "blogger" Chris Vallancourt, a.k.a. "Verbal Jazz," admitted to a grand jury that he applied the BalCo products known as "the clear" and "the cream" to his ass in order to develop a cleaner smell in association with his flatulence.
According to his testimony, Verbal Jazz was desperate for any means to make his flatulence stink less. Verbal Jazz claims to have ended the treatment and his relationship with BalCo once he realized that the steroid treatments were doing nothing to decrease the odor of his flatulence.
While taking the substances several Verbal Jazz colleagues noted that his ass grew significantly. "It was like he couldn't fit his ass in his pants any more, you know what I'm saying?" said former colleague Elizabeth Miles. "I mean, it just grew so huge that it didn't fit with the rest of his body!"
"This certainly raises some questions as to the legitimacy of the Verbal Jazz website," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "It also sheds new light on his constant attacks on beloved baseball commentator Tim McCarver and begs the question of whether that entry on August 21 really funny, or was the result of the steroids." Major League Baseball is not in a position to suspend Verbal Jazz or put the website on hold, a situation that Selig privately laments.
Verbal Jazz declined to comment about his own use of performance enhancing drugs, but did report that Baseball commentator Tim McCarver is also being investigated for using performance enhancing drugs prepared by BalCo to stroke his own ego and develop the stamina needed to be a braying ass for three straight hours. We'll keep you updated on this story as it develops.
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