Rudolph the Red Nosed Mutant
Part three of our investigation into ethical violations in the North Pole
You know him as the cute and cuddly reindeer with the very shiny nose who saved Santa's ass one foggy Christmas Eve. The real story, however, is much more harsh than a freak reindeer getting lost on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Records obtained by Verbal Jazz show that there was significant testing of nuclear weaponry in the North Pole in the 1950s and 1960s. Biologists believe that such tests may have contributed to genetic mutations of reindeer born in that period and may have directly led to Rudolph's red nose.
"It was the height of the Cold War and Santa was desperate for cash," said an Freddy the Elf, who at the time was in charge of negotiating with the Soviet Union for North Pole testing rights. "The Russians were willing to pay cold hard cash to detonate weapons, and Santa had to keep delivering toys. The russians gave us the Capital to do so."
The rest, as we know, is history. Rudolph was born a genetic mutant who was not allowed to play in any reindeer games. "At first they were just scared," said Blitzen, a Hall of Fame member of Santa's sleigh team. "I mean there the reindeer are learning how to fly when all the sudden this kid has a shiny red nose. We didn't know if he had some kind of disease or what. I mean what if that red nose were contagious, or a form of cancer or something?"
Eventually Rudolph matured into the reindeer we now know as the leader of Santa's sleigh, immortalized in song and stop motion animation. But were there other reindeer affected by nuclear tests in the North Pole? "Flying reindeer are in and of themselves, anomalous," said noted reindeer biologist Milton Vandekirk. "When you mix that genetic predisposition with the results of nuclear testing you're going to get a whole host of deformities that no one has ever heard of."
Among those deformities were Timmy the Two-Assed Reindeer, Frankie the Fungus-Antlered Reindeer (he has mushrooms growing where antlers should be) and Nicky the Night-Light reindeer, so named for his glow-in-the-dark male appendage. Even though Nicky's light was a little brighter that famous Christmas eve, Santa opted for Rudolph so as to avoid the embarrassing questions.
"This is just something that Santa has to live with," said Rudolph's father, Donner, another Hall of Fame member of Santa's Sleigh Team. "We've talked about it and cried about it, he didn't know at the time how devastating it would be. I would still do anything for Santa, though. I would."
The only real positive to this story is that it appears that the mutant reindeer are all sterile, and will not be passing their deformities on to another generation.
In the meantime, with each revelation about life in the North Pole, Santa's legacy is diminished.
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You know him as the cute and cuddly reindeer with the very shiny nose who saved Santa's ass one foggy Christmas Eve. The real story, however, is much more harsh than a freak reindeer getting lost on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Records obtained by Verbal Jazz show that there was significant testing of nuclear weaponry in the North Pole in the 1950s and 1960s. Biologists believe that such tests may have contributed to genetic mutations of reindeer born in that period and may have directly led to Rudolph's red nose.
"It was the height of the Cold War and Santa was desperate for cash," said an Freddy the Elf, who at the time was in charge of negotiating with the Soviet Union for North Pole testing rights. "The Russians were willing to pay cold hard cash to detonate weapons, and Santa had to keep delivering toys. The russians gave us the Capital to do so."
The rest, as we know, is history. Rudolph was born a genetic mutant who was not allowed to play in any reindeer games. "At first they were just scared," said Blitzen, a Hall of Fame member of Santa's sleigh team. "I mean there the reindeer are learning how to fly when all the sudden this kid has a shiny red nose. We didn't know if he had some kind of disease or what. I mean what if that red nose were contagious, or a form of cancer or something?"
Eventually Rudolph matured into the reindeer we now know as the leader of Santa's sleigh, immortalized in song and stop motion animation. But were there other reindeer affected by nuclear tests in the North Pole? "Flying reindeer are in and of themselves, anomalous," said noted reindeer biologist Milton Vandekirk. "When you mix that genetic predisposition with the results of nuclear testing you're going to get a whole host of deformities that no one has ever heard of."
Among those deformities were Timmy the Two-Assed Reindeer, Frankie the Fungus-Antlered Reindeer (he has mushrooms growing where antlers should be) and Nicky the Night-Light reindeer, so named for his glow-in-the-dark male appendage. Even though Nicky's light was a little brighter that famous Christmas eve, Santa opted for Rudolph so as to avoid the embarrassing questions.
"This is just something that Santa has to live with," said Rudolph's father, Donner, another Hall of Fame member of Santa's Sleigh Team. "We've talked about it and cried about it, he didn't know at the time how devastating it would be. I would still do anything for Santa, though. I would."
The only real positive to this story is that it appears that the mutant reindeer are all sterile, and will not be passing their deformities on to another generation.
In the meantime, with each revelation about life in the North Pole, Santa's legacy is diminished.
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