The North Pole, Exposed!
Every year we hear the same story: Santa Claus and his merry band of elves make toys for all the good girls and boys. Then Santa and his reindeer fly around on Christmas Eve delivering those toys to those good boys and girls. Over the course of the past year, the Verbal Jazz investigative reporting team has worked tirelessly to bring you the real story behind Santa's operation in the North Pole. We'll bring you overworked elves, mutant reindeer and a Santa Claus doing what he can to keep his smoke and mirrors operation afloat. Through our investigations, we have discovered serious breaches of ethics that call into question Santa's business sense and overall morality. The stories you will read over the next few days will shock you, and young children are advised not to listen, but they are essential to our understanding of the level of corruption and fraud in the North Pole.
SANTA'S ELVES HIT UNEMPLOYMENT LINE
Santa's Elves are frequently depicted as happy go lucky laborers intent on merrily making toys for all the good girls and boys. At one time that was the case: all of the toys that Santa delivered on Christmas Eve were made in Santa's Workshop, but then the good boys and girls no longer wanted handmade toys, leaving the elves to twiddle their thumbs and forcing Santa to lay them off due to their decreased productivity and drain on the financial resources of Santa Claus.
"Kids these days want Barbies or PlayStation games, they don't want handmade toy soldiers or dolls. Spoiled fucking brats!" said one elf who wished to remain unidentified. "We just don't have the capacity or the skill to produce those kinds of products. The technology has just left us behind."
Others see the lost luster in North Pole toy making as an outgrowth of poor brand management. "There is a whole cult of personality built around Santa Claus that hasn't been used to promote the toy making skills of the elves," said advertising expert Seth Klum. "Santa has maintained his own image while letting toy manufacturers and advertisers dictate what the kids want."
After the first round of layoffs, Elf Town quickly became a violent slum filled with rampant alcohol and drug abuse. Believe me, when this reporter tells you that you don't want drunken elf throwing up on your snow boots. Crime rates have risen yearly, making Elf Town a tough place for even a six foot two inch reporter to tread.
Community leaders have been trying hard to rekindle the glory of Elf Town, but it won't be easy. There is hope on the horizon for Elf Town, though. In a twist of irony, the technology that put Elf Town in its current condition may provide the means to help the elves turn it around. Several computer and software manufacturers have begun outsourcing customer service lines to the North Pole. Many elves have taken these jobs in order to prevent themselves from going broke.
"Sure some elves can still work for Santa, but that's only on a contractual basis from November 15 through December 24 processing Christmas requests and setting up shipments from manufacturers," said an Elf named Doug. "At least working phone support provides some security. Particularly on Christmas when those who have just received a new computer are just thrilled that Santa's Elves actually answer their question. We're just happy to let them believe we made it. It's a pride thing and Elf Town has little to be proud of these days."
Tomorrow: Naughty or nice? |
SANTA'S ELVES HIT UNEMPLOYMENT LINE
Santa's Elves are frequently depicted as happy go lucky laborers intent on merrily making toys for all the good girls and boys. At one time that was the case: all of the toys that Santa delivered on Christmas Eve were made in Santa's Workshop, but then the good boys and girls no longer wanted handmade toys, leaving the elves to twiddle their thumbs and forcing Santa to lay them off due to their decreased productivity and drain on the financial resources of Santa Claus.
"Kids these days want Barbies or PlayStation games, they don't want handmade toy soldiers or dolls. Spoiled fucking brats!" said one elf who wished to remain unidentified. "We just don't have the capacity or the skill to produce those kinds of products. The technology has just left us behind."
Others see the lost luster in North Pole toy making as an outgrowth of poor brand management. "There is a whole cult of personality built around Santa Claus that hasn't been used to promote the toy making skills of the elves," said advertising expert Seth Klum. "Santa has maintained his own image while letting toy manufacturers and advertisers dictate what the kids want."
After the first round of layoffs, Elf Town quickly became a violent slum filled with rampant alcohol and drug abuse. Believe me, when this reporter tells you that you don't want drunken elf throwing up on your snow boots. Crime rates have risen yearly, making Elf Town a tough place for even a six foot two inch reporter to tread.
Community leaders have been trying hard to rekindle the glory of Elf Town, but it won't be easy. There is hope on the horizon for Elf Town, though. In a twist of irony, the technology that put Elf Town in its current condition may provide the means to help the elves turn it around. Several computer and software manufacturers have begun outsourcing customer service lines to the North Pole. Many elves have taken these jobs in order to prevent themselves from going broke.
"Sure some elves can still work for Santa, but that's only on a contractual basis from November 15 through December 24 processing Christmas requests and setting up shipments from manufacturers," said an Elf named Doug. "At least working phone support provides some security. Particularly on Christmas when those who have just received a new computer are just thrilled that Santa's Elves actually answer their question. We're just happy to let them believe we made it. It's a pride thing and Elf Town has little to be proud of these days."
Tomorrow: Naughty or nice? |
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