Swift Boat Vets Q & A
Being that a few people have asked me to clarify the controversy surrounding Presidential Nominee (just about a month removed from presumption) John Kerry and his Woody Woodpecker-like nemesis the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, I have decided to put together a "Swift Boat FAQ." Well, actually no one has quite asked me, but I know that it is on the tips of your tongues and you may be more than a little intimidated to ask, so here goes...
Who's telling the truth?
One might be tempted to think that a group calling themselves the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth might, in fact, be telling the truth. If you have an absolute hatred of John Kerry to the point where just the sound of him talking about when he is president makes you vomit, then the Swift Boat Veterans are telling the truth. If you take the time to realize that most of their claims have been refuted by major news sources, and to understand that the Swift Boat Vets have a vendetta, well, then Kerry is your man.
Is the boat really that swift?
They wouldn't just refer to it as a "swift" boat, if the boat were, in fact slow. Geez people, ask questions that make some sense.
What is a Veteran?
Either someone with experience, or someone who has served in a war. Veterans like to be thanked for taking the thankless job of going to war. War sucks.
What is Truth?
An abstraction. Oftentimes Truth (capital "T" version, that is) is crouched in ideology. And we all know how great ideology is...ideology helps one separate the good guys from the bad guys quite easily.
So a Swift Boat Veteran for Truth...?
Is an idealogue who was once on a fast boat who wants your thanks. They also don't like John Kerry.
John Kerry just looks French, isn't it true that all French people are pussies who lie about their acts of valor?
Well, no, the French are pussies and proud of it. Make love not war. Besides, it is better to look French than it is to look like your making it up as you go along, isn't it? Wait, scrathch that, who wants to start a war? You don't want to start a war, you must hate freedom. And be French. What was the question again?
Explain the significance of John E. O'Neill and Jim Rassman.
Rassman is the guy who's ass John Kerry pulled out of the water and lived to tell about it. O'Neill is the guy who's ideology is crouched in a lifelong attempt to discredit John Kerry. O'Neill is one sick man with a John Kerry sized chip on his shoulder.
Didn't John Kerry betray his country by speaking out against Vietnam in 1971?
Why, yes, he did if you prefer to live in a totalitarian regime where speaking out against the government could earn you some jail time and may cost you an eyeball or two just to teach you a lesson, or hawk Viagra for a living after a long, distinguished career in the Senate (right, Senator Dole?). A totalitarian regime sounds like a great place to me: "Mr. President, all these casualties and atrocities performed in the name of America are just aberrations in this great game we call freedom...do I keep my eyeballs now if I give you free Viagra?"
Why do the Swift Boat Veterans all hate John Kerry so much?
They all wish they were married to the widow who inherited the Heinz fortune. Actually, they all think Teresa is a babe and could care less about the money. The money's nice, but not all that important.
Why don't we just compare the military service records of George W. Bush and John F. Kerry and make this whole Swift Boat Vet thing go away? I'll turn to the Swift Boat Vets for an answer to this one: "Why do you hate America?"
What does John McCain have to do with all this?
Simple. John McCain is a Republican. A popular Republican at that. He is also a veteran who spent some time in a Vietnamese jail as a POW. Back when he dared to take on the all powerful George W. Bush, McCain was a traitor to his country. John Kerry wants him to be a traitor to his country again by speaking out against the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Actually, all Vietnam vets are traitors to their country if the happen to be Democrats, or run against the chosen Republican. Write that down, it's very important and you will be quizzed later.
So what is the bottom line?
The bottom line is that the Swift Boat Vets would call Jesus a traitor to the cause of Christianity if it would prevent Kerry from defeating Bush this November.
There, I hope this clarifies the Swift Boat controversy for you. I'll also be happy to explain other complex questions, just to keep you informed.
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Who's telling the truth?
One might be tempted to think that a group calling themselves the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth might, in fact, be telling the truth. If you have an absolute hatred of John Kerry to the point where just the sound of him talking about when he is president makes you vomit, then the Swift Boat Veterans are telling the truth. If you take the time to realize that most of their claims have been refuted by major news sources, and to understand that the Swift Boat Vets have a vendetta, well, then Kerry is your man.
Is the boat really that swift?
They wouldn't just refer to it as a "swift" boat, if the boat were, in fact slow. Geez people, ask questions that make some sense.
What is a Veteran?
Either someone with experience, or someone who has served in a war. Veterans like to be thanked for taking the thankless job of going to war. War sucks.
What is Truth?
An abstraction. Oftentimes Truth (capital "T" version, that is) is crouched in ideology. And we all know how great ideology is...ideology helps one separate the good guys from the bad guys quite easily.
So a Swift Boat Veteran for Truth...?
Is an idealogue who was once on a fast boat who wants your thanks. They also don't like John Kerry.
John Kerry just looks French, isn't it true that all French people are pussies who lie about their acts of valor?
Well, no, the French are pussies and proud of it. Make love not war. Besides, it is better to look French than it is to look like your making it up as you go along, isn't it? Wait, scrathch that, who wants to start a war? You don't want to start a war, you must hate freedom. And be French. What was the question again?
Explain the significance of John E. O'Neill and Jim Rassman.
Rassman is the guy who's ass John Kerry pulled out of the water and lived to tell about it. O'Neill is the guy who's ideology is crouched in a lifelong attempt to discredit John Kerry. O'Neill is one sick man with a John Kerry sized chip on his shoulder.
Didn't John Kerry betray his country by speaking out against Vietnam in 1971?
Why, yes, he did if you prefer to live in a totalitarian regime where speaking out against the government could earn you some jail time and may cost you an eyeball or two just to teach you a lesson, or hawk Viagra for a living after a long, distinguished career in the Senate (right, Senator Dole?). A totalitarian regime sounds like a great place to me: "Mr. President, all these casualties and atrocities performed in the name of America are just aberrations in this great game we call freedom...do I keep my eyeballs now if I give you free Viagra?"
Why do the Swift Boat Veterans all hate John Kerry so much?
They all wish they were married to the widow who inherited the Heinz fortune. Actually, they all think Teresa is a babe and could care less about the money. The money's nice, but not all that important.
Why don't we just compare the military service records of George W. Bush and John F. Kerry and make this whole Swift Boat Vet thing go away? I'll turn to the Swift Boat Vets for an answer to this one: "Why do you hate America?"
What does John McCain have to do with all this?
Simple. John McCain is a Republican. A popular Republican at that. He is also a veteran who spent some time in a Vietnamese jail as a POW. Back when he dared to take on the all powerful George W. Bush, McCain was a traitor to his country. John Kerry wants him to be a traitor to his country again by speaking out against the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Actually, all Vietnam vets are traitors to their country if the happen to be Democrats, or run against the chosen Republican. Write that down, it's very important and you will be quizzed later.
So what is the bottom line?
The bottom line is that the Swift Boat Vets would call Jesus a traitor to the cause of Christianity if it would prevent Kerry from defeating Bush this November.
There, I hope this clarifies the Swift Boat controversy for you. I'll also be happy to explain other complex questions, just to keep you informed.
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