satire
Weather threatens to dampen Kerry campaign: Yesterday morning presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee John Kerry told a crowd of supporters that he hopes "the rain will soon clear." Later that same day, Kerry told a different crowd, "What a sunny and gorgeous day for campaigning."

Kerry's seemingly divergent views on the weather have had Republicans on the attack. "Obviously, John Kerry is inconsistent on the weather," said Vice-President Dick Cheney. "Can we really trust a candidate that can't decide whether it is rainy or sunny to lead the war on terror?"

For his part, Kerry claims he was taking a nuanced view of the weather: "Based on the circumstances that existed at the time, I made my best pronouncement as to the present condition of the weather in my then locale. Weather is, in and of itself, an unpredictable force that varies in condition throughout the day, therefore any remarks I make with regard to the weather are only for the time in which they are uttered. The Bush administration wants you to believe that the weather never changes!"

"This is just indicative of [Kerry's] wish to have it both ways," said Bush advisor Karen Hughes. "He flip-flops on everything else, so why not change his mind on the weather when opinion polls say that Americans prefer sunny days to rainy ones?"

In pundit circles, there is a general agreement that Kerry has brought it all on himself. "If Kerry had stuck to a consistent message throughout this campaign, then the weather conditions would hardly be an issue," writes blogger Gary Kloviak. "As it is the sunshine will probably cost Kerry the election in November."

In other news, Catholic Archbishop Raymond Burke, would deny the Sacrament to John Kerry based on the so-called Galileo Amendment to Canon Law. In a statement, Burke said Kerry should be denied the Sacrament and Excommunicated based on remarks that support the notion that the Earth does indeed travel around the sun.

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