The Verbal Jazz Weekly Awards
Once there was crap...but now there is only some crap that I'm sick of. This weeks list:
1. "It hurts so bad:" Yes folks, Verbal Jazz did complete his first ever marathon and was in a lot of pain afterward. Actually, in tears, but not because he is a blubbering crybaby. The entire race postmortem may be found on Tuesday, January 13.
2. Eight men in...one woman out, or if you caucus it, they will come: Here come the Iowa caucuses: private political debates that yield hardly any participants yet seem to be highly important because they are the first official political act of the season. Next stop: New Hampshire, where Democratic candidates will be expected to express grief over the loss of the Old Man of the Mountain in a state that will pretty reliably vote for the Flyboy-in-Chief come November. Carol Mosely Braun saw the light and dropped out of the race, throwing her less than considerable political weight behind the Anointed Democratic candidate, who is beginning to lose his sheen, because everyone longs to take the frontrunner down. Ms. Mosely Braun's dealings with an evil Nigerian dictator some years back more than likely forced this story onto page A-18 of today's Boston Globe. We are still left with The Reverend and The Mad Vegan Elf hoping to make a strong showing in Iowa and then New Hampshire. The General has been moving up the charts, but is focusing on the Granite State (immovable political beliefs, what a metaphor!) along with The Closet Republican. The Fly in the Ketchup makes a desperation pitch for Iowa along with Dorian Gray (can anyone really believe that Edwards is fifty?). And no, Gephardt does not get to be Howdy Doody, it's too easy: how about the Labor Pain? Get it, Gephardt is all about appealing to labor unions because he is from the Midwest (same state as The Grand Inquisitor, I might add). If younfamiliar with Verbal Jazz Phraseology, see the Glossary.
3. He also has classified information that NBC is canceling "Friends" this year: Okay, did anyone really think that the marketing plan involving an attack on Iraq was cooked up overnight? Sure, September 11 made it easier to cook up a war with anyone. If people like former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill are supposed to be your loyal supporters and members of your inner sanctum, what does that say about the loyalty bred within your party and administration when O'Neill says that the tax cuts were a bad idea, the President has the intellectual curiosity of a horse put out to stud, and that the administration was looking to go to war right away? One interesting note that Verbal Jazz read elsewhere: it took the administration no time to initiate an investigation into O'Neill's potentially classified documents, but it did take them quite a while to begin investigating the CIA name revelation of agent Valerie Plame (who happens to be married to a political opponent of the White House). Hmmmmmm.
4. will you be paying for that Mars trip with your Official Airline Credit Card? the proposed plan to colonize the moon and swing humans toward Mars (using the physics of gravity, which Verbal Jazz does not pretend to understand but still thinks is a neat concept) won't hit American pocketbooks, wallets, purses, credit cards and other conveyances of funds until the current administration is long out of office and John Edwards (Now Dorian Gray in the Verbal Jazz Glossary) looks old enough to be President. Instead of using tax revenue to pay for things like, well, human services, the administration cuts taxes (just barely for the middle class, but still technically a "cut") and then promises the Moon and Mars and, if we are really lucky the vision of "2001: A Space Odyssey" will be revealed in 2101. Next week, the President will propose sending Women to Venus, because that is where they are from, according to some book. Just send the Mastercard bill sometime around 2015, or when the next Democratic President (with Republican trimming) takes office.
5. I'm F**king freezing! Normally, Verbal Jazz is okay with the cold weather: it comes with the territory living in New England. But if I wanted to live through a cold snap in which 5 degrees seems warm, then I would move to Canada then bid on one of those fancy Iraq contracts that Canadians can now bid on. True story: Verbal Jazz went outside to start the car on Thursday morning and thought it felt warmer than Wednesday Morning. The temperature Wednesday morning was -4 degrees. The temp Thursday was 0 degrees. 0 degrees felt warm. Damn! It was -8 degrees this morning.
6. Fingerprint this! Because the US has started fingerprinting visitors from a select list of foreign countries (profiling anyone?), Brazil has started to fingerprint and photograph visitors from the US, since Brazil, land of beautiful people, Rio, and a phenomenally successful World Cup soccer team, happens to be on that list. The new, and by all accounts woefully inefficient and passive aggressive Brazilian checkpoint, prompted one American Airlines pilot to allegedly deliver an obscene gesture for the camera. Said pilot then landed in a Brazilian jail until American Airlines ponied up the fine. If this keeps up, International travel will soon be conducted, once again by ocean liner: just watch out for those pesky icebergs.
|
Once there was crap...but now there is only some crap that I'm sick of. This weeks list:
1. "It hurts so bad:" Yes folks, Verbal Jazz did complete his first ever marathon and was in a lot of pain afterward. Actually, in tears, but not because he is a blubbering crybaby. The entire race postmortem may be found on Tuesday, January 13.
2. Eight men in...one woman out, or if you caucus it, they will come: Here come the Iowa caucuses: private political debates that yield hardly any participants yet seem to be highly important because they are the first official political act of the season. Next stop: New Hampshire, where Democratic candidates will be expected to express grief over the loss of the Old Man of the Mountain in a state that will pretty reliably vote for the Flyboy-in-Chief come November. Carol Mosely Braun saw the light and dropped out of the race, throwing her less than considerable political weight behind the Anointed Democratic candidate, who is beginning to lose his sheen, because everyone longs to take the frontrunner down. Ms. Mosely Braun's dealings with an evil Nigerian dictator some years back more than likely forced this story onto page A-18 of today's Boston Globe. We are still left with The Reverend and The Mad Vegan Elf hoping to make a strong showing in Iowa and then New Hampshire. The General has been moving up the charts, but is focusing on the Granite State (immovable political beliefs, what a metaphor!) along with The Closet Republican. The Fly in the Ketchup makes a desperation pitch for Iowa along with Dorian Gray (can anyone really believe that Edwards is fifty?). And no, Gephardt does not get to be Howdy Doody, it's too easy: how about the Labor Pain? Get it, Gephardt is all about appealing to labor unions because he is from the Midwest (same state as The Grand Inquisitor, I might add). If younfamiliar with Verbal Jazz Phraseology, see the Glossary.
3. He also has classified information that NBC is canceling "Friends" this year: Okay, did anyone really think that the marketing plan involving an attack on Iraq was cooked up overnight? Sure, September 11 made it easier to cook up a war with anyone. If people like former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill are supposed to be your loyal supporters and members of your inner sanctum, what does that say about the loyalty bred within your party and administration when O'Neill says that the tax cuts were a bad idea, the President has the intellectual curiosity of a horse put out to stud, and that the administration was looking to go to war right away? One interesting note that Verbal Jazz read elsewhere: it took the administration no time to initiate an investigation into O'Neill's potentially classified documents, but it did take them quite a while to begin investigating the CIA name revelation of agent Valerie Plame (who happens to be married to a political opponent of the White House). Hmmmmmm.
4. will you be paying for that Mars trip with your Official Airline Credit Card? the proposed plan to colonize the moon and swing humans toward Mars (using the physics of gravity, which Verbal Jazz does not pretend to understand but still thinks is a neat concept) won't hit American pocketbooks, wallets, purses, credit cards and other conveyances of funds until the current administration is long out of office and John Edwards (Now Dorian Gray in the Verbal Jazz Glossary) looks old enough to be President. Instead of using tax revenue to pay for things like, well, human services, the administration cuts taxes (just barely for the middle class, but still technically a "cut") and then promises the Moon and Mars and, if we are really lucky the vision of "2001: A Space Odyssey" will be revealed in 2101. Next week, the President will propose sending Women to Venus, because that is where they are from, according to some book. Just send the Mastercard bill sometime around 2015, or when the next Democratic President (with Republican trimming) takes office.
5. I'm F**king freezing! Normally, Verbal Jazz is okay with the cold weather: it comes with the territory living in New England. But if I wanted to live through a cold snap in which 5 degrees seems warm, then I would move to Canada then bid on one of those fancy Iraq contracts that Canadians can now bid on. True story: Verbal Jazz went outside to start the car on Thursday morning and thought it felt warmer than Wednesday Morning. The temperature Wednesday morning was -4 degrees. The temp Thursday was 0 degrees. 0 degrees felt warm. Damn! It was -8 degrees this morning.
6. Fingerprint this! Because the US has started fingerprinting visitors from a select list of foreign countries (profiling anyone?), Brazil has started to fingerprint and photograph visitors from the US, since Brazil, land of beautiful people, Rio, and a phenomenally successful World Cup soccer team, happens to be on that list. The new, and by all accounts woefully inefficient and passive aggressive Brazilian checkpoint, prompted one American Airlines pilot to allegedly deliver an obscene gesture for the camera. Said pilot then landed in a Brazilian jail until American Airlines ponied up the fine. If this keeps up, International travel will soon be conducted, once again by ocean liner: just watch out for those pesky icebergs.
|
<< Home