Open Season on Primaries
Once upon a time, in a land long forgotten (hint: it used to be called America), the primary season developed as a slow boil, beginning in New Hampshire and working its way toward the party conventions. Now, according the Associated Pres, state Presidential primaries are being eliminated due to budget concerns and a perceived lack of impact on a front loaded primary season. Please allow Verbal Jazz to scratch his ever balding head with a "What the F**k ever happened to democracy?" look. The idea behind a primary is to allow citizens to have a say in who they want to see go mano-a-mano come November. In this case, the Democrats are deciding who they want to take on the Filtered-media-junkie-flyboy-in-chief, George W. Bush. Democratic in states such as Colorado, Kansas, Maine won't get to cheer on their favorite Democrat in the primary.
This news about the Primaries will of course lead to a chorus of: "We need to change the system." To that end Verbal Jazz has come up with some new primary suggestions:
1. The candidate who raises the most money wins: Isn't the goal of the election to affirm which candidate got the most money? This method cuts out the middleman, at least.
2. Presidential Idol: Have America vote by telephone and watch as weekly talent contests winnow the candidate pool down. I, for one, would love to hear Joe Lieberman's golden pipes.
3. PATs: Presidential Aptitude Tests: Have a series of tests that measure the aptitude of the potential candidates. The only drawback is that the Bush Administration would inevitably have a hand in developing the tests, measuring apathy as aptitude. To score a perfect 1600 (goes with the address, eh?) the candidate would have to answer that he or she would defer to an incredibly hawkish staff looking out solely for corporate interests.
4. Have primaries all on same day: nah! Too easy!
5. Beauty pageant: Dick Gephardt in a swimsuit and heels, need I say more?
6. Let the Supremes Decide: Instead of letting the American people pick the candidate least likely to defeat Bush, let the Supreme Court do it. They have plenty of experience deciding elections.
7. Military Credentials: Move over, John Kerry, so you were in Vietnam? Wes Clark was a General: take that to the Presidential House!
Final note: In an attempt to balance coverage of the Democratic Nomination, Verbal Jazz will now mention the Democratic candidates not mentioned in this piece. In particular random order they are: Carol Moseley Braun, Dennis Kucinich, Al Sharpton, John Edwards, and Howard Dean. Verbal Jazz makes every attempt to be as subjective as possible, we hope the attempt at objectivity helps.
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Once upon a time, in a land long forgotten (hint: it used to be called America), the primary season developed as a slow boil, beginning in New Hampshire and working its way toward the party conventions. Now, according the Associated Pres, state Presidential primaries are being eliminated due to budget concerns and a perceived lack of impact on a front loaded primary season. Please allow Verbal Jazz to scratch his ever balding head with a "What the F**k ever happened to democracy?" look. The idea behind a primary is to allow citizens to have a say in who they want to see go mano-a-mano come November. In this case, the Democrats are deciding who they want to take on the Filtered-media-junkie-flyboy-in-chief, George W. Bush. Democratic in states such as Colorado, Kansas, Maine won't get to cheer on their favorite Democrat in the primary.
This news about the Primaries will of course lead to a chorus of: "We need to change the system." To that end Verbal Jazz has come up with some new primary suggestions:
1. The candidate who raises the most money wins: Isn't the goal of the election to affirm which candidate got the most money? This method cuts out the middleman, at least.
2. Presidential Idol: Have America vote by telephone and watch as weekly talent contests winnow the candidate pool down. I, for one, would love to hear Joe Lieberman's golden pipes.
3. PATs: Presidential Aptitude Tests: Have a series of tests that measure the aptitude of the potential candidates. The only drawback is that the Bush Administration would inevitably have a hand in developing the tests, measuring apathy as aptitude. To score a perfect 1600 (goes with the address, eh?) the candidate would have to answer that he or she would defer to an incredibly hawkish staff looking out solely for corporate interests.
4. Have primaries all on same day: nah! Too easy!
5. Beauty pageant: Dick Gephardt in a swimsuit and heels, need I say more?
6. Let the Supremes Decide: Instead of letting the American people pick the candidate least likely to defeat Bush, let the Supreme Court do it. They have plenty of experience deciding elections.
7. Military Credentials: Move over, John Kerry, so you were in Vietnam? Wes Clark was a General: take that to the Presidential House!
Final note: In an attempt to balance coverage of the Democratic Nomination, Verbal Jazz will now mention the Democratic candidates not mentioned in this piece. In particular random order they are: Carol Moseley Braun, Dennis Kucinich, Al Sharpton, John Edwards, and Howard Dean. Verbal Jazz makes every attempt to be as subjective as possible, we hope the attempt at objectivity helps.
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